How to not overshare

[stillvicarinatutu]

This is really hard for me .

I met someone very recently. We had 3 dates - I'm really picky . This was a big deal for me nd more so when we slept together. It was really passionate and a real turn on .
He says he wants to see me again , arranged to stay with me and also arranged a weekend away .
We'd exchanged some flirty texts both before we slept together and since .
He's said while he's still interested in a longer term relationship , he'd appreciate me sharing less of my thoughts . He says while im at like 90% he'd prefer 80% . I haven't a clue what % im at - I just wanted him to know it had meant something to me .

Im now just feeling really quite silly .
We do talk and are really open with each other and honest - I've said that it's probably better that he just takes the lead and if im not happy I'll say .
But it's made me feel small and silly . This was not his intention I know that it's more baggage fro my lady relationship - but I want something long term and while he says he does he's approaching it very differently.
I only bloody said I'd enjoyed the sex because he mentioned something about looking o to each other's eyes blah blah blah . And so i opened up and said what it meant to me .
Im not in love .
Im happy alone .
I'd be happy alone again .
But I felt like there was potential to fall in love here , potential for a long term relationship.we live about 90 mins apart so spending time together takes planning.

I feel silly I opened up . He says I shouldn't and he's attracted to me both in mind and body but I can't help feeling stupid that I overshared .
He wants to keep seeing me . But im wary now of saying the wrong thing . One minute the conversation is sexually charged , the next - I've said too much .
Wtf is wrong with me for Christ sake . When am I ever going to learn ? How do I navigate this ? I really like this bloke and I like he says he does t need his ego boosting or anything but it's left me feeling a bit daft that I tried to tell him the sex was good and what it meant for me .

He's text twice saying he is really interested blah blah and goodnight but I didn't reply . I'm clearly looking too eager . Which is weird ....because I'm happy alone . I'd be disappointed if he called it off but not devastated.

I fear I've come across as needy . How do I pull this back .
He was meant to be staying here in a couple of weeks and I did say if he felt things were just going too fast we could back off - he didn't want that .

Help . I'm clueless at this shit .

@stillvicarinatutu

And I won't be sharing anything else now .

you won't be sharing anything else with him? He's done well - only took one go to ensure you behave the way he wants you to, giving him all power and control. He must be thrilled.

you won't be sharing anything else with him? He's done well - only took one go to ensure you behave the way he wants you to, giving him all power and control. He must be thrilled.

This...

Seriously OP you need to do some work on yourself. My new BF said he had a thing about painted toenails, I said you're lucky they're painted at the moment, they're not always, he said he'd paint them, I said no you won't, sometimes they're painted sometimes they're not, get over it. He hasn't mentioned it again. You don't roll over the minute they say they like or dislike something.

I don't know . Today he's clearly been back peddling like billio, flirty texts again - and when I haven't responded in mind he's said he was sorry again and just be my open , honest self because that's what he likes about me - he's apologised again and said I did nothing wrong and that it was him just being cautious because he said he has a tendency to leap in with both feet and then fall over .
He's said he really likes me and that's such a rarity for him - I think he's wondering where the catch is ....we aren't in any kind of committed relationship, we live a fair distance from each other . I have my place , he has his, he's willing to travel more because I've got dogs - he seems to really be regretting saying what he did .

I've told him I've certainly kept perspective. 3 dates is nothing. And I'm genuinely not in need of a man , sex , or relationship. I've proven that to myself over the last 2 years.
I'm going to have to examine my feelings, my reaction, but I've been honest with him - talking not texting- and said how it made me feel. He swears he genuinely didn't mean to sound like he did . I think he knows he's been a dick if I'm honest.

So he's both

'being cautious because he said he has a tendency to leap in with both feet and then fall over .'

and

'He's said he really likes me and that's such a rarity for him.'

He will say whatever you want to hear OP. The statements above conflict with each other. One truth is he did act like a massive dick. It's up to you though...

It sound like he's telling you what you want to hear so he can get laid again.

I know you've said several times you don't need a man, relationship, or sex but your actions with this guy says different.

Nah . But wonder sometimes how many posters are 50 single and ready to simply ltb over the first misdemeanour.

I've spotted a flag . I'm aware . I'll take all the advice here under advisement and I appreciate the opinions.

I'm going to decide for myself what to do next .

I'm in my sixties and if there is one lesson I would like to hand down, it would be that red flags never come in singles.

And it never gets better.

So.much.time wasted on making excuses on what turns out to be simply poor behaviour. I've done plenty of it myself and listened to friends and family doing the same.

And yet, and yet, we all seem to have to find that out for ourselves. Good luck OP

Here's what I'd say. If you want to give it a go then fine, go for it. But don't change anything about what you say or do based on the previous conversations. Take him at his word - that he was wrong and that he shouldn't have said that. Try, as much as possible, to simply pick up from before all that happened.

Then see what happens.... I think there's at least a 50% chance that he'll push back at some point again and you'll find yourself questioning yourself again. But hopefully, if you've done it with your eyes wide open, you'll know this time and end the relationship.

There's always some give and take in a relationship at the beginning as you learn to adjust. But if that give and take leads to you feeling like you can't be yourself or express yourself, then it's not a keeper.

A misdemeanour is forgetting to flush the loo or put the bins out. It is not asking you to tone yourself down because you are too much. People don't change. He's not sorry, he wasn't sorry, he's only sorry/not now because you've called him out on his bad behaviour.

Most people say they remember the first red flag and wished they had taken notice. At least you have spotted it and asked for advice. Even if you have decided to disregard it.

Not over 50 or single BTW

Wtf is wrong with me for Christ sake

Nothing is wrong with you.
You share exactly the amount of information & feelings that is right for you.

This man is negging you.
It is classic undermining.
How do I know this?
Because what he has said is bullshit. He had no specifics to give you, like "please don't tell me you like my feet, it makes me feel weird" (ridiculous example but it serves). Instead, he gives you vague, discomfitting stage direction, with his nonsense about "you give 90%, I need 80%".
He's fully aware that this is indecipherable nonsense.
He does it to keep the upper hand, It's a power play.

I don't think he's finding fault as such - he's really into meditation and quite spiritual and believes his happiness is his responsibility etc etc so he's not looking to me to boost his ego . He's quite confident and knows who he is
Oh FFS.
I think I know who he is - he is Lundy Bancroft's "Mr Sensitive" - causing you extreme upset, shame & self doubt through his manipulation.
You might want to skate past the bible quotes at the end of this article, but does the main text ring any bells OP? - littlebirdflies.wordpress.com/2016/11/06/mr-sensitive/

• because your thinking is skewed about this man. He is definitely finding fault. It is exactly how he is going to control you throughout the relationship, if you devalue yourself by staying with him. He has set you up to accept his work as law, but your words as "too much".

@stillvicarinatutu

He had rung me and said it was hot .... I'd said I'd loved it and it was amazing sex . He seemed to feel this wasn't necessary after the event . I think I've made him feel uncomfortable.

So .. he's allowed to tell you the sex was hot ... but YOU are not 'allowed' to reciprocate?

What a hypocritical twat!
You need to stop taking him so seriously OP.
Try @Ionlydomassiveones's pithy comment for size:
He’s not spiritual - genuinely spiritual people live and let live. He sounds like a pretentious arse who is a bit up himself.

He's a controlling arse. Dump him. And then only date men who you can be 100% (see what I did there?) yourself with.

I think he thought you were over-doing it to in order to flatter him, and he was trying to tell you you didn't need to do that, and he's worded it spectacularly badly.

I mean, if someone told me, at age 50 that I was the first person they'd ever enjoyed sex with, I'd be rather surprised and not sure I'd believe it.

Personally, I'd give him another chance, but if he tries anything similar again then that'd be it.

He's said he really likes me and that's such a rarity for him
Even in his backtracking & Hoovering phase, he's deploying THE classic Negger's Line.
"Other women are so XYZ, but with you, it's different!"
lonerwolf.com/hoovering/

It's just more bullshit, designed to make you believe that you are lucky to have him.

I think he knows he's been a dick if I'm honest.
Of course he does!
He knew exactly what he was doing.
He simply wasn't expecting you to rumble him.

Seriously op, this isn't going to end well. His last response confirmed it. Future faking bollocks whilst telling you off for a perfectly normal comment. He's shaping you and playing with you so he can ensnare you. Whatever he has said, isn't the real him.

And yes, I'm in my 50s and been with my boyfriend for 1.5 years now. But I let 2 go before that. Much rather be on my own than with a toxic person or the wrong one and little chance of finding the right one if you're with him.

@stillvicarinatutu

Nah . But wonder sometimes how many posters are 50 single and ready to simply ltb over the first misdemeanour.

I've spotted a flag . I'm aware . I'll take all the advice here under advisement and I appreciate the opinions.

I'm going to decide for myself what to do next .

All the best, I wish you well and good luck. I don't think you will take any shit now. Be yourself ♥️

I really do appreciate the advice and it's all on board .

I am not unhappy alone . I don't need a man . I don't need a relationship. He knew he'd ducked up here because he scrambled to try and right it - he knew .
I am going to see him again . 4 th date . If he pulls ANY shit that makes me go mmmmm again I won't be seeing him again . I had 5 years with a control freak . I saw the light then as well and left .

It won't take 5 years next time . But we aren't even at 5 dates yet so - because I have so far enjoyed his company, the chat , the banter and the sex , I'll give him the time for our next date . Any shit like that again and he will be gone .

Blimey all this and only 3 dates in....jeez good luck OP, use your instincts and let them guide you. Anymore like this and run fir the hills. Please do let us know how date 4 goes

Big talk tonight. I now know why he reacted as he did . He's apologised again and said he was really overthinking.

Given we were on the phone for about 3 hours, and again it felt easy conversation, even the more difficult stuff was easy - so no not writing this one off just yet .
I told him tonight I am what I am and that won't change - and he said that's actually one of the things he liked and not to change at all- which at 50 let's face it - I wouldn't be .
His reaction to my cooling off made it clear he was invested. I do like him . And it feels easy to be able to be honest with him . Which I have been .
I mentioned tonight I live stargazing, and would love to take a picnic somewhere with no light pollution - his reaction to that actually made me warm to him . I don't think he's spiritual fuck boi....he's just learned to meditate in his own way to help him with stress and I meditate for the same reasons. I don't feel in my gut I should write him off yet .

I'm happy with what I've learned and I'm really appreciative of the input from mn because now that's in the back of my mind - if he fucks it up again there won't be another chance . I'm confident about that.
Thanks all x

Sounds good op! Just keep it all in mind jf you start falling for him. You’ve obviously got this!

@stillvicarinatutu

Big talk tonight. I now know why he reacted as he did . He's apologised again and said he was really overthinking.

Given we were on the phone for about 3 hours, and again it felt easy conversation, even the more difficult stuff was easy - so no not writing this one off just yet .
I told him tonight I am what I am and that won't change - and he said that's actually one of the things he liked and not to change at all- which at 50 let's face it - I wouldn't be .
His reaction to my cooling off made it clear he was invested. I do like him . And it feels easy to be able to be honest with him . Which I have been .
I mentioned tonight I live stargazing, and would love to take a picnic somewhere with no light pollution - his reaction to that actually made me warm to him . I don't think he's spiritual fuck boi....he's just learned to meditate in his own way to help him with stress and I meditate for the same reasons. I don't feel in my gut I should write him off yet .

I'm happy with what I've learned and I'm really appreciative of the input from mn because now that's in the back of my mind - if he fucks it up again there won't be another chance . I'm confident about that.
Thanks all x

Given that you've acknowledged you're an overthinker and now understand he is too, has that given you the ability to rationalise out that this may have been a tiny bump in the "getting to know" you road instead of a major red flag? I ask this as someone who has taken to MN RL like you in the moment of unsurety to be told my DH is the work of the devil and then, when things have calmed down I've realised that strangers vilified my partner because I chose to share one of his less awesome but entirely human and imperfect moments, in the moment and on reflection , they weren't even bad moments just normal bumps in an adult relationship. I'm asking for a thought and answer from you OP, not from others on your behalf. When youve reflected, would you share on here again? I definitely wouldn't. I agree that there is a lot of truly abusive behaviour from men and women on here, but a large proportion of it is normal people being a bit crap, men and women.

OP your post is really confusing actually because you said you'd been made to feel like a bunny boiler and he had asked you to cool it when you expressed feelings after he said he liked the eye contact in bed. But much further on, you gave slightly more detail to what you said and his reaction and it seems the exact opposite, he was talking about his feelings and you responded with flirty sex talk and that put him off because it wasn't meaningful. But then you mentioned he has previously sent dick pics! So I went back to thinking he is a hypocrite. All very confusing situation, but the confusion over what actually was said means you can't really take anyone advice too seriously and need to go with your instincts, which it seems like you are doing. Good luck with it.

Oh ffs what kind of a twat quantifies - in percentages - how much you’re allowed to ‘share’ with him?

Exactly!! What a load of cobblers!
He sounds like a pretentious arse who is a bit up himself Yep!

He's apologised again and said he was really overthinking.

It's one thing to be overthinking, quite another for whatever you do as a result to undermine your partner by telling them they need to change.

His reaction to my cooling off made it clear he was invested

We can agree that he has an interest in you. That is clear. The point though is what sort of a person he is, whether he is decent and honest or a self serving arse who sees he has overstepped and is in danger of your slipping away so changes to reel you back in.

Anyone who gives you a 'percentage by which you over share' ie something that you have no way to know to change, is more likely just keen to keep you on the back foot.

I'd encourage you to keep a watchful eye open for how he goes about things as much as what he actually does.

1. It's 3 dates in (so both are still on best behaviour) - this is his best behaviour.
2. It's all about him (I this, I that, I want, I like, I'm spiritual, IIII
3. It's already dull beyond the point of reasoning
4. Imagine if you start talking about politics, gender identity or heaven forbid equality with this one
5. Why are you soooo invested?

I am not posting to upset OP but I do find it alarming that you would tolerate this behaviour given you have already had what you describe as an abusive relationship. I do wonder if this makes you think this isn't as bad as....

It really is transparent manipulation and I'm just sorry that you are prepared to tolerate it. I think, as many do on here, that you deserve better

Never mind his apologies, his 3 hour phone conversations, or his mutual interest in stargazing.

None of your update changes the fact that this man made you feel terrible, 3 dates in.

It's great you have gained clarity & confidence from your thread.
But I think you are fooling yourself.
I think you are now engaged in a relationship which will be based on power play.
You feel confident that you can be honest with him now - but all that has happened is that he has allowed you to express yourself for 3 hours, so you now feel that this is the standard reality.
It isn't. The reality is how he chose you rate your communication 'performance' & felt entitled to instruct you to dial it down by some undefinable factor of 10%. Whereas his level of communication not only preceded but matched yours in intensity - what a monstrous ego, & massive hypocrite!

As soon as he has you back where he wants you, the negging will start up again. It may be subtle, as he has learned that you are not stupid or a pushover. But it will happen. What he did to you wasn't an aberration - it was designed to belittle & control you. This man will constantly seek to put you off balance so that he retains dominance, He sees himself as the boss of you.

All of this overthinking, stress, & especially the fucking cheek of him to neg you like he has - 3 dates in? It's exhausting even to read about.

Please beware that you are on the verge on entering into a game of seesaw with this 'spiritual' man. You presently feel on top, so you are confident you can handle him. You only feel like this because he spoke to you for 3 hours on the phone, without actively undermining you. This is not the victory you might be thinking it is.
He will not rest until you are lower than him on the seesaw.

Keep in mind how he manipulated you - But im wary now of saying the wrong thing . One minute the conversation is sexually charged , the next - I've said too much - & was prepared to upset you, instruct you, 'manage' you ... I still think you should throw this one back. It's far, far too much angst, & you've only met the tosser 3 times.