How to not overshare

[stillvicarinatutu]

This is really hard for me .

I met someone very recently. We had 3 dates - I'm really picky . This was a big deal for me nd more so when we slept together. It was really passionate and a real turn on .
He says he wants to see me again , arranged to stay with me and also arranged a weekend away .
We'd exchanged some flirty texts both before we slept together and since .
He's said while he's still interested in a longer term relationship , he'd appreciate me sharing less of my thoughts . He says while im at like 90% he'd prefer 80% . I haven't a clue what % im at - I just wanted him to know it had meant something to me .

Im now just feeling really quite silly .
We do talk and are really open with each other and honest - I've said that it's probably better that he just takes the lead and if im not happy I'll say .
But it's made me feel small and silly . This was not his intention I know that it's more baggage fro my lady relationship - but I want something long term and while he says he does he's approaching it very differently.
I only bloody said I'd enjoyed the sex because he mentioned something about looking o to each other's eyes blah blah blah . And so i opened up and said what it meant to me .
Im not in love .
Im happy alone .
I'd be happy alone again .
But I felt like there was potential to fall in love here , potential for a long term relationship.we live about 90 mins apart so spending time together takes planning.

I feel silly I opened up . He says I shouldn't and he's attracted to me both in mind and body but I can't help feeling stupid that I overshared .
He wants to keep seeing me . But im wary now of saying the wrong thing . One minute the conversation is sexually charged , the next - I've said too much .
Wtf is wrong with me for Christ sake . When am I ever going to learn ? How do I navigate this ? I really like this bloke and I like he says he does t need his ego boosting or anything but it's left me feeling a bit daft that I tried to tell him the sex was good and what it meant for me .

He's text twice saying he is really interested blah blah and goodnight but I didn't reply . I'm clearly looking too eager . Which is weird ....because I'm happy alone . I'd be disappointed if he called it off but not devastated.

I fear I've come across as needy . How do I pull this back .
He was meant to be staying here in a couple of weeks and I did say if he felt things were just going too fast we could back off - he didn't want that .

Help . I'm clueless at this shit .

He's said while he's still interested in a longer term relationship , he'd appreciate me sharing less of my thoughts . He says while im at like 90% he'd prefer 80%

Mmmmm. So he's apologised since but even so! This isn't good. Who speaks like that in such a disrespectful way? Is he keeping a ledger?

Anyone who said to me that he'd appreciate me sharing less of my thoughts would be out on their ear! It's up to me what thoughts I express, no one else! He's perfectly entitled to address the situation politely and reasonably if he doesn't agree with what I am saying. But it's up to me what I choose to say and no one else!

I'd text back and say that while 20% of you feels good about the time you spent together, the other 80% CBA to keep the relationship going.

He's an arse!

@stillvicarinatutu

I understand why you say it's a shame because you rarely meet anyone you like, I really do.

But if you flip this round, it's actually GREAT that you have clocked him so early.

You did nothing wrong and it was very unkind of him to suggest you did, and downright weird and controlling of him to assign percentages to which you should behave.

So yes a disappointment he is not the cool and accepting love machine he considers himself to be but so good that you have sussed him out so early.

He has already sullied a nice moment for you and made you doubt yourself. That's who he is.

How arrogant he sounds. Can you even imagine saying something like that to him? Of course not because you are respectful, kind, and not an arrogant twat.

Plenty of abusive shits claim to be spiritual. So they act holier than thou. So they can make little 'tweaks' to you 'for your own benefit'. So they can tell you that your life views are wrong. Honestly op the guy has manipulative douchebag written all over him.

Unless you overshared something gross, there's no reason for him to tell you to stop. He is either telling you he doesn't want to be around you long term or he is attempting to make you feel insecure.

And based on your updates, he doesn't want anything serious but worse, he wants to make you out to be crazy so that he can vanish at some point and leave you feeling like shit. Or, string you along but constantly make you feel like you like him more than he likes you. Never knowing where you actually stand in his affections.

Best to do the ditching for this one.

@sweetbellyhigh

If you actually read what I said - you’ll see that I didn’t say it wasn’t ok to talk about sex with a new guy.
However, there are different ways to do so.

After a few dates and one night - talking about - ‘loved it last night. Can’t wait for repeat….’ - is an light sex talk. Or even more graphic if that’s what you were talking like before.

Bringing up - ‘how much sex meant to me…. how I haven’t been with anyone for 2.5years; how amazing it was; how it made it all special…’ - is a different ball game. And people can react to it differently - depending on their history with other partners etc.

[quote MMmomDD]@sweetbellyhigh

If you actually read what I said - you’ll see that I didn’t say it wasn’t ok to talk about sex with a new guy.
However, there are different ways to do so.

After a few dates and one night - talking about - ‘loved it last night. Can’t wait for repeat….’ - is an light sex talk. Or even more graphic if that’s what you were talking like before.

Bringing up - ‘how much sex meant to me…. how I haven’t been with anyone for 2.5years; how amazing it was; how it made it all special…’ - is a different ball game. And people can react to it differently - depending on their history with other partners etc.[/quote]
Oh really? And who gets to decide those rules? You?

Telling someone you enjoyed sex and what you’d like to do to them next isn’t over sharing.

It might be that you talk more than he’d like. (It doesn’t sound like he’s specifically saying he doesn’t like sex talk.)

You are you you are and this probably isn’t going to work if he wants you to hush up.

@caringcarer

All I can advise is what I told each of my own kids. Never change yourself for another person. Only change if it is for you. Nothing wrong with what you said op. Don't allow him to make you feel bad about yourself.

This x 1000.

Put up wit this crap too many times in my life. It just gets worse. It'll be something else next time. You'll start second-guessing yourself, hesitating and examining what your about to say before you say it.

Nothing you have said indicates you have done anything remotely wrong or weird.

You are who you are and be proud of it.

Yeah I would avoid this one Op. He is happy to have sex with you and to tell you to look in to his eyes which suggests some sort of passionate connection, but you aren't allowed to say what YOU want or that you enjoyed it. He thinks that's too much, and yet he's asked for sexy pics? The nerve of the man.

It seems he has to be the one driving the speed at which things go. Either that or he's deliberately messing with you head. Either way, he's one to avoid. Well done for noticing it so early on, I think you've just saved yourself a whole heap of trouble later on.

*you're

There’s nothing wrong with you. If you can’t be yourself around someone then they are probably not the one for you. After 3 dates he already telling you what you shouldn’t be sharing? 😬

What I'd said was meant to be sexy rather than "I'm in love please marry me !"

It was just sexy talk. He's already said he's loved looking into my eyes when (sorry tmi but he was inside me) so I just thought it was a continuation to say yeah loved it too very hot , can't wait for a repeat, blah blah - I didn't think this would make him feel i comfortable given the talk and circs already.

I've kept things short and sweet today while I weight this up. I feel like he suddenly felt the need to start back peddling.
He said he didn't wan t me not to share - but wants to get to know me etc without flattery etc . Fair enough. He won't get any ! I do t need it .

I've suggested we take things back to dates and no sex
Funny- he didn't like that idea

Exactly. It’s all about what he wants already.

Imagine next time you’re having sex with him and he looks longingly into your eyes. You’ll be brought right back to this moment - am I enjoying myself too much? Should I say anything? When he texts you afterward and says how great it was, how should I reply? Am I being too much?

He’s an arsehole as he’s taken a lovely moment and turned it into a way to make you question yourself. All the while setting the agenda and the tone of your interactions.

Fuck him off, and thank yourself later when you meet someone who feels lucky to get 100% of you, not telling you to tone it down.

@sweetbellyhigh

Rules? Who mentioned rules?
Can you not read?

Or do you think everybody is the same and people always communicate and understand each other perfectly?

I have clearly said that some people can perceive highly emotionally charged statements as red flags, so early in a relationship.

We can discuss whether or not what she said can be perceived as emotionally charged. It isn’t for some. It may be for others?

Btw - were both late 40s . I'm divorced, so is he. We both live alone and a good distance apart I've done the kids thing though I'd never have ruled out marriage again with the right person- but no it wasn't a bloody declaration of undying love - it was meant to make him feel good , it was just sexy banter but yes he's clearly gone "bunny boiler " and backed off .
Fine . No issue . I just felt silly - and told him , so when he's wondering why I aren't responding to the dick pics he'll know why .

Yeah I'm tempted to use the % thing and say 90% of me has now decided he's an arse .

His loss OP.

@caringcarer

All I can advise is what I told each of my own kids. Never change yourself for another person. Only change if it is for you. Nothing wrong with what you said op. Don't allow him to make you feel bad about yourself.

This ^everytime,OP. Don't let him control who you are. Ditch.

Yeah sounds like he's spoilt it for no good reason then. Weird that he should see your comments about enjoying sex (which is something you both contributed to) as flattery towards him. Bit ego-centric.

Dick Pics. Omg block the fucker. He sounds awful. The more you say about him the more he makes my skin crawl.

Don't use the very low bar that most of the women here on Mnet use. Throw him back!

Is a dick pic not over sharing? 😂 Sounds like he's just after one thing. You're worth more - 100%. I'd end it now because it's clear you want different things.

It's as though he thinks it's 'unseemly' for a women to talk about how much she has enjoyed sex even though she has.

Just noticed the Dick Pics. And he says you're oversharing?

@stillvicarinatutu

You said that whatever you told him was ‘meant to make him feel good’.
But how do you know what makes the other person good? You don’t yet know him.
And what you said may have had the opposite effect?
And I think that what he was telling you - that he didn’t need you to prop him up.
Is it possible that he actually was a little insecure and felt it was insincere?

I am your age and divorced. Dating in our age isn’t a walk in the park. And it also takes me a while to like anyone.
I think - in your place I’d given it another try and wiped the slate clean. Start from scratch and got to know each other a little better before getting to sex again.
And if he didn’t like that approach - then so be it.

Just noticed the dick pics too. He's trying to manage what you say but sending you what he wants? Sounds a weirdo.

Three dates and you have had sex, yes seems to me you are both at fault for coming on too strong. However he cannot have his cake and eat it. Possibly this is his way of backing out...a case of going too fas too soon, but again he cannot have it both ways.