How to not overshare

[stillvicarinatutu]

This is really hard for me .

I met someone very recently. We had 3 dates - I'm really picky . This was a big deal for me nd more so when we slept together. It was really passionate and a real turn on .
He says he wants to see me again , arranged to stay with me and also arranged a weekend away .
We'd exchanged some flirty texts both before we slept together and since .
He's said while he's still interested in a longer term relationship , he'd appreciate me sharing less of my thoughts . He says while im at like 90% he'd prefer 80% . I haven't a clue what % im at - I just wanted him to know it had meant something to me .

Im now just feeling really quite silly .
We do talk and are really open with each other and honest - I've said that it's probably better that he just takes the lead and if im not happy I'll say .
But it's made me feel small and silly . This was not his intention I know that it's more baggage fro my lady relationship - but I want something long term and while he says he does he's approaching it very differently.
I only bloody said I'd enjoyed the sex because he mentioned something about looking o to each other's eyes blah blah blah . And so i opened up and said what it meant to me .
Im not in love .
Im happy alone .
I'd be happy alone again .
But I felt like there was potential to fall in love here , potential for a long term relationship.we live about 90 mins apart so spending time together takes planning.

I feel silly I opened up . He says I shouldn't and he's attracted to me both in mind and body but I can't help feeling stupid that I overshared .
He wants to keep seeing me . But im wary now of saying the wrong thing . One minute the conversation is sexually charged , the next - I've said too much .
Wtf is wrong with me for Christ sake . When am I ever going to learn ? How do I navigate this ? I really like this bloke and I like he says he does t need his ego boosting or anything but it's left me feeling a bit daft that I tried to tell him the sex was good and what it meant for me .

He's text twice saying he is really interested blah blah and goodnight but I didn't reply . I'm clearly looking too eager . Which is weird ....because I'm happy alone . I'd be disappointed if he called it off but not devastated.

I fear I've come across as needy . How do I pull this back .
He was meant to be staying here in a couple of weeks and I did say if he felt things were just going too fast we could back off - he didn't want that .

Help . I'm clueless at this shit .

I'm sorry but this guy is negging you .. he undermined your self esteem here. I mean he wants you to share 10% less. What a load of bull.

He's said while he's still interested in a longer term relationship , he'd appreciate me sharing less of my thoughts . He says while im at like 90% he'd prefer 80% . I haven't a clue what % im at - I just wanted him to know it had meant something to me .

To be clear, you did not "overshare". You shared a thought or two about the physical intimacy you had together and for whatever reason he got jumpy about it, equating your enthusiasm for physical intimacy with enthusiasm for emotional intimacy.

That's a bit presumptive on his part, but it's even more arrogant that he TOLD you what "percentage you're at" (as though he knows what you're thinking or feeling better than you do) and what "percentage he'd be comfortable with".

It might be that he's one of these "spiritual" guys who is actually a bit of a closet misogynist and sexually insecure on the inside... secretly looking for a sweet, feminine and 'pure/innocent' partner who they can feel like the Big Man and Sexual Guru with.

You showing enthusiastic about sex might have triggered a bit of a prudish response – all this talk of being 'led by the head as well as heart' sounds to me like he wants to be the one to take the lead and control the pace. You being assertive and having your own ideas about what you'd like to do makes him feel a bit less in control, so he has tried to shut that down a bit to get you feeling less secure and him back into the dominant position.

Spiritual fuckboy! Yesssss…was trying to think of the term yesterday and couldn’t remember but that is exactly what this guy is.

He rang tonight and apologised profusely.
He said he didn't want our relationship based on sex bec he likes me way more than that apparently and wants to know me etc etc .

Both my rl friends have told me not to cut my nose off to spite my face .
He apologised. He sounded like he meant it .
I've already backed right off .

If he doesn’t want your relationship based on sex he should stop having sex and sending you dick pics. Dick. If I were you I’m not sure I’d get over it, but see how he goes - at least you’ve got your eyes open now

And I won't be sharing anything else now .

I have now added spiritual fuckboy to my "men to avoid in any shape or form" list. It's such a perfect description of the self declared spiritual guru types who are ten a penny in places like Glastonbury.

@stillvicarinatutu

And I won't be sharing anything else now .

That’s quite sad op. Why aren’t you sharing? So he’s basically won?

I hope things ends well for you.

He's a tosser. Avoid.

I would take a different approach. Continue to see him if that's what you want, but make a concerted effort not to filter your self. I don't mean just say any old thing that jumps into your head (unless you usually do), but don't hide who you are in the slightest. If there's any hope of this becoming anything meaningful (I'm not convinced mind you, given his 80% comment) then you need to see how he leaves you feeling about yourself when you're exposed. If you act yourself and end up feeling self-conscious and foolish again then you can quickly dismiss him, because who wants that as their future even in the short term. If you feel obliged or forced to hide yourself then you might as well call it a day now because how can that be the foundation for anything remotely special.

I have to say my gut is to bin him though. And maybe take heart in the fact that you clearly can find people you fancy!

Tbh I wouldn't bother with him again. There really was no point in him saying that other than to make you uncomfortable and put you on a back foot. He led the conversation and then berated you when you responded. Look into my eyes and sex and sex pics and you can't say that you enjoyed it and want to have sex with him again? It's not like you're talking about marriage and kids.

If you really get on well dont write him off just yet. On the upside he's opened the gates for you to be totally honest with each other about any comments made, so make the most of that 😉

I'm in a similar situation to you, been single for longer though, and my 5 week relationship has hit a few bumps in terms of things he's said (not relating to sex though) which I haven't been happy with, but I've thought sod it, told him I'm not happy with the remarks and he's stopped saying them.

As a pp said, don't change yourself, carry on as you are, tell him if he's pissing you off and it'll either work or it won't.

Couldn't be bothered with the begging/feedback. Thank you next.

*negging

P.S he sounds like 80% controlling. Do you prefer 60-70%?

He just thinks it's all a bit too much ,too soon for some things to be said. I would probably agree with this. You can't possibly know someone after such a short time.

Why proceed if you've already cut things off and are wary of what you say? For want of a better term, it sounds like you have the ick, and you can't recover from that. Your friends mean well of course, but can you really see any meaningful enjoyable interactions with him in future?

It really shouldn't be this hard 3 dates in.

At best he's a tedious, tiresome litttle man, at worse he's a manipulative little shit negging you.

Gosh OP he's driving me mad already and I dont even know him.

Imagine yourself back here in two years with the benefit of hindsight. Maybe you're making a thread saying you don't feel like yourself anymore, that you've bent over backwards for him, worked on yourself, and yet you never feel good enough.

Thats the impression I'm getting from this thread. Already hes calling the shots. He's throwing you some crumbs saying how amaaazing it all is, and it would be perfect if you "just" change this tiiiiny little thing about yourself.

Unfortunately once you start that slippery self, he'll just find something else to "fix" about you. Before you know it you've twisted yourself into his ideal which is unrecognisable from who you truly are.

Everyone has flaws, but absolutely no one here would advise you start talking to them and trying to change them after three dates! This is who you are, and more importantly, this is who he is.

If you continue, with you refusing to "overshare" and second guessing yourself, what's to say after his apology that he won't dial back his "authentic self" and keep his trap shut, just for a while until he thinks you're too invested to walk away?

You'd both be building a relationship in a fantasy. Neither of you would be being who you truly are.

Honestly I don't think you can move forward from this. He's taken the shine off as you say and you'll always be questioning everything you say and do and living on a knife edge.

@1forAll74

He just thinks it's all a bit too much ,too soon for some things to be said. I would probably agree with this. You can't possibly know someone after such a short time.

But HE’S the one who said if!!! OP just agreed and reiterated what he’d said and the intensity of the connection HE had forced by asking her to look into his eyes while he was shagging her.

You lost me at "dick pics"

Do you actually like those? Because if you don't tell him, be transparent, like he has been with you.

@stillvicarinatutu

He had rung me and said it was hot .... I'd said I'd loved it and it was amazing sex . He seemed to feel this wasn't necessary after the event . I think I've made him feel uncomfortable.

He sounds rather hypocritical to me. Wants to be the driver on what you say and how you say it. How are you supposed to relax, let go and enjoy yourself if you are having to edit yourself generally and worry about what percentage you've reached - let alone whilst you are DTD? That would really put me off the guy if I had to constantly monitor myself like this.

And what's with the dick pics? 🤮

Apart from this episode you sound pretty self confident, OP. Have fun with him if you want to pursue it further - but more on your terms. 🌹

It is weird to try to alter the way someone communicates after 3 dates, sex or no sex. You just go along with the flow, keep thoughts like 'woah she shared a lot there' to yourself and see how it goes.
Him asking you to change to suit his neuroses is a problem. He doesn't see you as a fully formed autonomous human. Just as a person he wants to sleep with but not be made in any way uncomfortable by.
Jog on, yoga-boy.

3 dates in and all this, doesn't bode well for a relationship. Neither does sending dick picks so early on - "it's not about the sex though" - yea right, anyone who sends dick picks from the start is making it about sex! Avoid that kind if it's a relationship you are after.
I smell controlling tendencies here, he's got you on the back foot after only 3 dates! Looks like it's ok for him to be sexually explicit whenever he wants, and he can demand it if you when he wants, but come out with it off your own back, and that's too much, because that not been controlled by him.
If you are not careful, you may find that after backing off he then slips in some 'helpful tips' ( rules) about what it's ok to do, just so you know.

really into meditation and quite spiritual and believes his happiness is his responsibility

And yet, three dates into a new relationship he is already training you to modify your behaviour to meet his requirements. And doing it in a way which is not obvious what specifically, you should do differently. You now find yourself treading carefully, trying to avoid saying the wrong thing.

You describe yourself as really picky. What do you look for in a man? Is there something about him wanting you to be 'better' that feels good to you? Might be worth unpicking that reaction.

Honestly, throw this one back.

Hold out for someone who honestly thinks you are brilliant, just the way you are now.