Would you stay with your partner if they decided to transition?

[RedRobyn2021]

I'm watching an episode of Queer Eye where this transwoman's partner said they stayed with them after they decided they wanted to transition and it got me thinking

If your partner decided they wanted to transition would you stay with them?

Isn't the joke that Frank N Furter is a transvestite rather than TW as he dresses in OTT women's clothes but clearly is a man. This makes me now wonder where is the dividing line between transvestites and TW?

@Threewheeler1 one. My thinking exactly especially after 20 YEARS.

In any case, the trans partner may not even want to stay with their wife. They may want a different type of woman or man. I wonder what the statistics are, I may have a look to see if I can find what percentage of trans women who were married, stay with their wife because they truly want to.

[quote CUniverse]@Threewheeler1 one. My thinking exactly especially after 20 YEARS.

In any case, the trans partner may not even want to stay with their wife. They may want a different type of woman or man. I wonder what the statistics are, I may have a look to see if I can find what percentage of trans women who were married, stay with their wife because they truly want to.[/quote]
Presumably in those cases they both wanted to, for one reason or another.

i'm not sure how i would react, to be honest. i think in general, i'm fairly open-minded about gender, and I don't align myself with the gender critical position around trans identity. but that is a separate question to whether i would want or be able to continue a relationship with some who transitioned.

the reason I hesitate to say 'no, i wouldn't stay with them', is because my current partner has been curious about his own gender since I met him, and has started to experiment with make up and feminine clothing. not dressing 'as a woman' per se, but more just experimenting with gender presentation. he's happy using male pronouns and being identified as male, but if pushed to choose, I think increasingly he would identify as non-binary or genderqueer.

I've been surprised, in many ways, but how un-bothered I am by it - and indeed, the reverse is true. i've enjoyed watching him grow and feel more comfortable in his own skin, and if anything I'm just more and more attracted to him. like another poster, i'm bisexual but i'm not sure that's really what's going on (particularly given the women I'm generally attracted to is a pretty different vibe...).

if he chose to fully transition - which i think is unlikely, it's not where his mindset is - I don't know how I would react. but I figure we're on an interesting journey together, and I'm not going to make assumptions about how i would feel, because I don't think I could have predicted where I am now, either.

No, I don't think anyone could suggest the rapey (Brad and Janet), misogynistic, sex slave (Rocky) creating, murderous (Eddie) Frank N Furter is a good role model for anyone anywhere! 😀

Does he look good in a corset and heels though. I'd say yes.

No. Where did all the cross dressers go?
They are now part of the trans umbrella.

Would I want to stay with someone who sees my sex class as a kink? No

Would I have sympathy for someone struggling with dysphoria? Yes, but...

I still wouldn't want to stay married to them.

Its got nothing to do with being open minded wishfuldreamer. Your partner has been open with you since the start; for women who find out further into the relationship (and for some of us after we had kids) it comes as a shock because we find out we knew nothing about them, they are a stranger. It has nothing to do with bigotry or closed-mindeness.

@wishfuldreamer there is a whole world of difference between being with a non conforming man....someone who wears make up and different clothes but still says they are a man and someone who cross dresses or is trans. Huge difference.

I would ask them to explain to me what, in their opinion, being a woman "feels like" that corresponds with how they feel and how do they know that that's how women feel but men don't, and what does being a man feel like and how do they know that an absence of feeling in themselves that is something that generally men feel and women don't. It's impossible to answer that without resorting to sexist stereotypes and I couldn't stay married to a sexist.

oh, and just on the frank'n'furter question...a few things. first, it's an old film, and I think how trans issues are understood by both queer and non-queer communities alike has changed significantly, including how to 'understand' themselves and explain that outwardly - for example I'm fairly sure Richard O'Brien has had his own journey in terms of his gender identity and that has changed over time. Eddie Izzard is the same.

The second is the vocabulary. my understanding is that 'transvestite' is the vocabulary that was historically used to simply refer to anyone who cross dressed - but it was also the medical diagnosis and so has generally fallen out of fashion. transsexual was sometimes used to distinguish those who cross-dressed from those who sought medical intervention of whatever level. I think potentially (though I'm not any kind of expert here) that term has fallen out of fashion as views around surgery have changed, with an embracing from many corners of a more fluid understanding vs a gender binary that should aesthetically look a certain way. people's choices often depend on their level of dysphoria, but also issues around accessing surgery (especially eg in the US).

I think trying to work out what words to use to describe Frank'N'Furter in the 21st century is maybe a misnomer...I feel like it's probably an anachronistic representation of trans people and queerness in general - but equally arguing over whether he is a transvestite or transgender is kind of pointless and splitting hairs a little.

@TheInebriati - i didn't quite mean that. I mean that I'm fairly open-minded, but that in itself doesn't mean i'd be 'ok' with it. that was kind of my point. but equally, i've surprised myself thus far with what i was ok with, so I guess I'm kind of allowing myself that openness there. I don't think there's anything wrong with someone ending a relationship because their partner comes out as trans.

@jeaux90 - i agree it's not the same thing. that was the conclusion of my post, or at least what I intended it to be. my post was more a musing on the question that i was asked. and 10 years ago, I don't know that I would have been 'ok' with someone who wanted to cross-dress, so I guess what i'm trying to say is that I'm not making any assumptions about how i might react. but, as I said above, i also don't think people should feel they have to stay with someone. I imagine it's an extremely difficult thing to go through, for lots and lots of different reasons.

sorry, and just to add - I appreciate it's an entirely different thing 20 years into the relationship, for example, and I understand the trauma that might come with that. i was just asking the question posed - and I haven't been married for 20 years.

I wasn't suggesting that you are being closed minded, and my apologies if that was how my post came across.

OK, thanks. But again, a lot of us don't end things because our partner came out as trans or AGP, but after they do and as a consequense of being lied to, or of absolutely massive and fundamental changes to who they are.
I realise it sounds like I'm being picky, but the difference matters.

No, full stop.

no, you're not being picky - that's fair enough. i felt a bit jumped upon because I wasn't trying to suggest that the situation you're describing was being a bigot, and I didn't think that my post really suggest that. but i certainly didn't want to suggest that at all!

Not a chance!

@wildseas

Yes.

I'd deduct 20% of their wage, stop 75% of the housework, leave them to do pickups and dropoffs, leave all of the mental load to them, make them in charge of shoe shopping and random dress up days, expect them to find all my random lost things, change all school communication to their contact details, patronizingly explain things to them which they know more about than me. . . .oh and expect them to put my wants above their needs

#livinglikeawoman

Lol, I love this! It should be done to all of them IMO, the reactions would be a revelation alright! I suspect most of them wouldn't know what had hit 'em and would be changing their minds a few weeks in! It seems to me that most of them think that all being a woman entails is make-up, clothes and acting effeminate, often in an exaggerated way that is a mere caricature of real women! What would be a real test would be if they could be made to experience PMS, severe period pains and heavy bleeding that lasts for over a week, every 3 weeks, pregnancy with serious morning sickness, difficult and agonising births and then, the Grand Finalé of the feckin' menopause!!! I wonder how many of them would go the distance if they had to endure all that? Not many I'd say!

@crazyjinglist

I find it strange that TRAs and genderists can simultaneously believe that the attributes and trappings of one's 'gender presentation' are so vital to one's identity and ability to thrive and be one's authentic self, and yet ought to be considered so insignificant by a partner/spouse that transitioning from one gender to the other shouldn't make any difference to how the partner feels about the transitioner.

This is what I've been struggling to articulate, put perfectly.

Although so many of them fetishise periods.

I don't know! I love him very much and knew him for many years before we got together. I think I would give it a go and see what happens.

@optimistic40 would you feel lied to though, what else could be hidden?

[quote Enough4me]@optimistic40 would you feel lied to though, what else could be hidden?[/quote]
Yes, perhaps. I'd be shocked that he'd not mentioned it before! It's really hard to know unless you're in the situation, isn't it? I can understand why people leave and why they stay.

Absolutely not.

I'd be shocked that he'd not mentioned it before!

I am not having a dig but....you forget to mention not buying milk, putting petrol in the car or taking the washing out of the machine...you don't forget to mention you have lied your whole life to your wife, kids, family about who you are!

We are told transpeople are their true gender from birth. That to "come out" means they are admitting and living their real authentic self. To force someone to live with and accept your lie is wrong isn't it?

Absolutely NO WAY!!!!
That's not to say I wouldn't be supportive or still love them, but Incan imagine it would come with a lot of heart ache.