Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you stay with your partner if they decided to transition?

775 replies

RedRobyn2021 · 08/01/2022 21:06

I'm watching an episode of Queer Eye where this transwoman's partner said they stayed with them after they decided they wanted to transition and it got me thinking

If your partner decided they wanted to transition would you stay with them?

OP posts:
fourandtwo · 09/01/2022 07:33

@mistermagpie

I don't think I could. I would still love him, but I don't think I would be attracted to him or want a sexual relationship with him anymore.
And the fifth reply to this thread completely sums it up for me.
username1293948 · 09/01/2022 07:37

If I’ve chosen to be with a man because

Woodlandwater · 09/01/2022 07:39

My DH is an attention seeker. He likes to tell me when he's done chores, he exaggerates his illnesses (manflu) to get sympathy. This is the most annoying aspect of him. Declaring he wanted to transition would be next level attention seeking and incredibly unattractive. And as a pp said, there would also be a huge burden for me to manage the interactions with others, it would be me who ended up in school explaining to teachers, me trying to justify his behaviour at the school gates, me having to console my child etc etc. So I'd just see it as a massive attempt to assert dominance and show 0 respect for me.

SiobhanSharpe · 09/01/2022 07:41

I'd also be furious that a would-be transitioning DH of mine was so utterly selfish to do this to his children -- it would seriously deprive them and make it clear that his wants were more important than their need to have a father who cared more about them than himself.
And no way would I ever relinquish or share the name mother, mum or mummy just so he could appropriate it, as some trans widows have experienced.

Jumpingintomenopause · 09/01/2022 07:44

@SleepOhHowIMissYou

Yes, I think I would.

Same as if something happened that meant we had no sex life. I wouldn't end the marriage because of the change.

I married him for better or worse, in sickness and in health, and I meant my vows. Plus I do feel that people shouldn't be restrained by entrenched gender norms.

I like to think he feels the same.

Your very reasoning is why I wouldn’t stay! I find trans people spend their entire existence craving those ‘gender norms’. I couldn’t stay with a man chasing some idea of femininity that many biological females themselves rightly don’t adhere to. Sex is biological.

For me the man I married would cease to exist and our marriage would cease too.

DialSquare · 09/01/2022 07:44

I do beg you to do a little research into the lives of trans women and men. It’s not a Carry On film. Stuck on boobs, red lipstick etc.

I've done my research and it's still a definite No.

I do beg that YOU do a lithe research by reading the Trans widows threads on here.

TracyMosby · 09/01/2022 07:49

I do beg you to do a little research into the lives of trans women and men
Ha talk about not knowing your audience!

HoliHormonalTigerlilly · 09/01/2022 07:58

No.

HopefulProcrastinator · 09/01/2022 08:00

Not a chance. I'd see it as a breach of trust and honesty given that we've been together over 20 years, it would be as hurtful to me as infidelity.

ufucoffee · 09/01/2022 08:05

Absolutely not

anon12345678901 · 09/01/2022 08:07

Nope not a chance in the world. I wouldn't be attracted to a trans woman, and I certainly would not support them if they believed they then had a right to enter womens only spaces. In fact i would lose all respect for them let alone be attracted to them. I'm happy to say that I'm straight and like men.

lucillelarusso · 09/01/2022 08:12

These women are quite remarkable: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/4236287-trans-widows-escape-committee-5-and-so-it-continues

2Rebecca · 09/01/2022 08:34

No. He wouldn't have the same personality if he suddenly decided that performing femininity was something he had to do. I also wouldn't fancy him in feminine underwear etc and would find it all a bit silly. Thankfully it's highly unlikely. He doesn't take sexual stereotypes and gender ideology that seriously.

DrSbaitso · 09/01/2022 08:43

He wouldn't have the same personality after taking cross sex hormones and having vast amounts of life-changing surgery.

UserBot989 · 09/01/2022 08:43

no

Frannibananni · 09/01/2022 08:48

No. We could be friends but nothing more.

Alayalaya · 09/01/2022 08:48

Yes. I need him to help pay the mortgage, even if he’s become a she. And I need him/her to babysit and share the burden of childcare. We wouldn’t be in a relationship any more and I’d suggest we should date other people, but for practical purposes we would need to continue living together for at least ten more years.

rookiemere · 09/01/2022 08:54

Nope , this has always been a deal breaker to me even before being trans was a thing. So when DH and I started seriously dating about 19 years ago I checked to make sure he didn't like wearing women's clothes or make up and the answer was that he definitely didn't.

I can see for some women staying might be the right thing to do, but I hate the mental gymnastics when the wife is now presented as being a lesbian when in most cases full surgery hasn't taken place. She's not a bloody lesbian, she's married to a man wearing a dress.

Auntieobem · 09/01/2022 08:56

No. I'd try to get him help for whatever mental health needs he had, but couldn't live with a transwoman.

Balula · 09/01/2022 08:59

Yeah, I'd of course try to navigate the relationship. I don't have any GC views though so 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have family who have transitioned and originally their marriage took a break (not sure who instigated it) but they then got back together, this person was a big, heavily bearded, tattooed biker who was always incredibly troubled and unhappy but is now living life as a woman and has a spark about them that they didn't have before. Their partner and daughter appear to be happy and content as well.

LawnFever · 09/01/2022 09:04

@Alayalaya

Yes. I need him to help pay the mortgage, even if he’s become a she. And I need him/her to babysit and share the burden of childcare. We wouldn’t be in a relationship any more and I’d suggest we should date other people, but for practical purposes we would need to continue living together for at least ten more years.
Would you do the same if either of you met someone else of the opposite sex?

Why would him transitioning mean you’d still want to cohabit with him no matter what?

nolongersurprised · 09/01/2022 09:07

No.

My DH is a middle aged man and therefore is most likely to want to transition due to AGP. I would find that deeply unattractive, even repulsive

ButterflyBitch · 09/01/2022 09:08

@MrsFionaCharming

In the same way as I couldn’t love him if he suddenly started being racist or homophobic, I couldn’t love him if he displayed such disregard for women by claiming to know what it is to ‘feel’ like one.
This. There’s no chance I would still love my dh if he did this.
Diggersaursarethebest · 09/01/2022 09:16

No

TracyMosby · 09/01/2022 09:17

but I hate the mental gymnastics
This. Feeling the need to control other people’s feelings and language. No. Not something I would tolerate at all.

Swipe left for the next trending thread