Neighbour - should I report anything? Am I overreacting?

[Axolottie]

Our neighbour lives alone and is in her eighties. Her husband died just over a year ago. I would say both of them have/had dementia.

We used to hear the arguing through the wall every day. Always the husband shouting at her, and her pleading for him to stop.
She spoke to me once about protecting herself from him.
He died suddenly. I’ve always kept an eye out for details if a funeral - but there hasn’t been one, and she said to me a couple of months ago that she was having a lot of problems with the coroner.

My initial thought (and perhaps irrational thought) when he suddenly died was that - perhaps she did something??
Should I say anything to anyone or just butt out?
Another concern I have is that she told my partner she has a gun. She showed it to him, and it’s only an air pistol. She said she was going to shoot foxes with it - the issue is that she thinks there are foxes under a small bush in our front garden (there aren’t!). I have 2 children and - again maybe irrational - but what if she decided to shoot at an imaginary fox when we are out the front??
Partner thinks I’m overreacting??

Was waiting for someone else to say it, but since they haven't - welcome to Mumsnet, @Axolottie.

I didn't think there was an inquest into every death only if you are alone or if your death is suspicious.

There is not an inquest into every death, but there are more categories than that. If someone had an occupational disease there is an inquest, also if someone had particularly bad pressure sores. Some inquests are simply an administrative formality, others much more complex.

In this scenario, I'd assume the funeral has already taken place, and the death certificate will be issued once the inquest has been held. That can take a long time at the moment, upwards of a year would not be unusual.

(If a postmortem is held then there will be an inquest. However that might well be a confirmation of the cause of death, literally five minutes, which the family will choose not to attend.)

@Spudina

Just because someone’s death is reported to the Coroner, it doesn’t mean the there will be an inquest. We report deaths all the time as patients who have died within so many days of a medical procedure have to be. I can only think of one inquest in 20 years.

My DM's death was reported to the coroner. They did a post-mortem, found natural causes, and issued a certificate of cause of death a week later, so I could register the death and arrange the funeral.

Sometimes, they want an inquest if there are suspicions that there have been failings on the part of other services that contributed to the death. This might be such a case, given that the neighbour was vulnerable because of dementia.

You can't report something you have made up.

I agree. I’d report the concerns about her having an air pistol to shoot foxes though. The gun itself might be legal depending where you are but using it to shoot foxes in a residential area might be something the police want to have a word with her about.

Pardon me OP but you are not only sounding like a nosy nuisance but also fucking mental…. Wtaf!!!! Mind ur own….

Hang on - your neighbour was being quite probably abused, you did nothing, then her husband dies and you want to report her?

I don’t know why you are shocked at the sudden death of a very old man with dementia, it is very common for old people to die suddenly. Heart attacks and strokes can kill people quickly and are extremely common. He could have even died from Covid .
I would say this is much more likely than a frail old lady killing her husband. If there had been any concerns then the police would have investigated by now.
It is quite possible that she hasn’t registered the death if she isn’t capable and has no family. Was he definitely dead when he was removed ? If not he could be in a care home or hospital.
You could report the air rifle to social services, along with general concerns about her welfare if she seems not to be coping. Does she not have any family at all ?

Rear Window lark aside - a person with dementia and a gun is a very very bad idea. Hallucinations with the dementia are fairly common. Both my aunt and father have dementia.

While my aunt lived alone she had constant dreams and hallucinations of intruders, which continued until we managed to get her into a care home. She used to pick up knives and her chair to defend herself, if she had had a gun I can’t say for sure she would not have used it.

I think the possibility of this lady shooting at what she thinks is foxes but is actually your kids is not to be dismissed.

So yes, the gun is a safeguarding issue and needs to be reported fo social services and the police.

I would honestly take a big step back from this, if she comes to you at any point for support then make sure you can advise her where to get professional help, and maybe be willing to have a cup of tea and a biccie with her, if she just wants someone to sit with for a bit. Try not to get too involved though, it sounds quite a complex situation and it might be overwhelming!

A relative died in 2019, I registered the death and it’s still not showing up online yet. You’re adding 2+2 and getting 22.

Let's also just clarify. Nothing the OP has said has indicated or told us for definite this lady has dementia. The OP doesn't even know that for sure. It's purely speculation. Along with the murder of her husband.

Agree with PP you can't report something you made up. And who goes poking around to see if deaths have been registered?

You sound way too invested in something that is absolutely none of your business. Do you fancy yourself as an amateur sleuth or something? Boredom?

If there's a problem then clearly the coroner will already have flagged this with the appropriate people.

I ignored the whole murder lark as absurd.

Dementia though is common in that age bracket and fairly obvious.

The coroner would know by now if he had been shot or it was a suspicious death and she would have been questionned by the police if there was anything bad. Her having an air rifle and maybe a gun is not great and you could speak to the police about that. If you feel she is either a danger to you or herself then speak to 101, they can always do a welfare check.

My dad died in 2020 and we didn’t have a funeral. You don’t have to have a funeral to be buried.

Doesn't the lady have anyone visiting her? Family etc?

If so, mention the gun to them - I can't see how it's sensible to have a lady with dementia in possession of a gun (even if it's only a BB gun - especially when she seems a little too interested in it and has spoken about firing it.)

I don't really understand what you're hoping to achieve from the coroner thing. So long as you know he was taken away by the correct authorities then he was dealt with properly. If there were any suspicions of murder (ie he'd been shot or poisoned or something!) the police would already have been in touch with you.

I think OP is making a lot of assumptions about the cause of death and the process of inquests, when they show online etc. Maybe there's a sense of guilt about not helping the wife when being abused and now catastrophising about the consequences of that mistake.

Either way, op should report the gun situation as gun + dementia is not a good combination. We'd all be up in arms about how on earth she was allowed to keep a gun if we heard on the news that innocent people were killed or injured by her misuse of it.

Murder theory - back off

Person with possible dementia with a gun - speak to non emergency police person.

@PurplePansy05

She rang you asking for help, a vulnerable woman with dementia and you didn't think to assist her, in any way - not necessarily the police, although this was an option. Some dementia sufferers can become verbally aggressive and unkind, maybe this was her husband. Maybe there was more to it. Whatever happened, she needed help, you could have contacted their family, social services, age charities, her doctor, the police. Pop in to check on her in the meantime or get her out of the house regularly. There's a long list of things you could have done here. You did nothing.

Then you come on MN with your sofa detective theories that she killed her husband.

It's nasty, nosey and frankly disgusting. And you keep at it throughout this thread. It's just unbelievable. Less Netflix true crime for you as well, way too much time on your hands to breed your alternative reality. You're not an interested party here, you really are not.

The only thing I'd report to the police is the pistol to make sure she's not a danger to herself or anyone else unintentionally.

I agree 100% with this. I despise nosey people and the op here perfectly illustrates why.

When the lady, whom op suspected had dementia and was living with a spouse whom op also suspected had dementia, was being verbally abused so loudly in her home that the neighbours could hear, and who came to op for help, the op was of fuck all practical help. Despite perceiving this woman as vulnerable, she did nothing. Well, not quite nothing. She asked others what she should do. (In other words, she gossiped. What adult needs to be told what to do by multiple people when they are aware a vulnerable elderly person is being abused? Note, she wasn’t asking who to report to, she was asking whether or not to report. Again, what adult needs to be told this, seemingly by multiple people? Does the op not have basic cop on? )

Now, note that she is still of no practical help whatsoever to this woman, who she thinks has dementia, is recently bereaved, and is living alone. She hasn’t called adult social services about her welfare. But she wants to send a ‘low key’ email to the coroner insinuating this woman killed her spouse. Based on nothing other than op having too much time on her hands, being nosey and prone to flights of imagination. What a despicable person.

Her husband was abusing her and you haven't seen him for over a year. She says he's dead, but to your knowledge, no funeral has taken place.

As long as she also tells them that the husband was taken away in a private ambulance so the authorities are obviously aware and dealing with it.

@Topbananaz

I'm shocked and appalled at the responses you've had here OP. In my line of work, I have to deal with vulnerable children and adults and we have been trained to trust our gut. If something feels off, then it likely is. I wouldn't try to work out the details of her story, but I would give adult social services a call to say you're worried about her. She potentially has dementia and owns a shotgun. I'd be concerned about that.

Her husband was abusing her and you haven't seen him for over a year. She says he's dead, but to your knowledge, no funeral has taken place.

Just reveal the facts, try to ignore your suspicions, but I'd put money on your gut instinct being right that something is off.

I'm currently working with a family where the father is very appeasing, very loving towards the children, very communicative with me. But something didn't sit right with me. After a bit of tim spent with his wife, it has become apparent that he is controlling her, taking away her freedoms and being abusive.

Always trust your gut.

Your training should also have told you to not exaggerate what people tell you and to listen/read properly.

This lady does not own a shotgun.
OP saw the husband being removed by ambulance, ie the authorities know and were involved.

No - he’s not in the house! I saw him being taken out in a private ambulance.

As his body has been removed then I would stay out of it.

I definitely wouldn’t contact the coroner as these things take time and it’s none of your business.

You can’t go throwing false accusations around - you literally have no proof she killed him.
It could also be a reason why it’s taking so long as he died in suspicious circumstances and you contacting them won’t be helpful.

If you’re worried about her safety then you could ring someone to do a welfare check on her.

But honestly just drop it as you seem way too invested in this - checking the death register, wanting to contact the coroner etc.

I would be more concerned about your MH than hers.
Do you have a history with MH issues?

[quote Axolottie]@rrhuth because you can look it up online, and I looked it up yesterday. The death hadn’t been registered.

The neighbour said to me in August that she was having problems with the coroner. The coroner lists all inquests, and I can see there has been no inquest yet. So this is now well over a year after his death.
Coroners are involved when the circumstances surrounding a death are not straightforward, and an inquest is needed.[/quote]
There is a serious backlog in updating the registers due to Covid as I understand it. If the Coroner is involved, let them deal with it.

None of your business.
There will have been a post mortem - if that had shown anything up such as wounds from an air pistol, bruises, a cracked skull etc, then that would have been investigated further and the neighbours would have been contacted by the police to find out if anyone had heard or seen anything.

You could contact social services if you are concerned about someone with dementia owning an air pistol.

My brother died suddenly a few years ago. Due to a few circumstances his body was taken to a city a fair bit away from where we live. His body was their for a while and my mum couldn't register his death until he had been released by the coroner. I would hate to think they had some neighbour thinking they had killed him because his funeral was held a fair bit after his death, and that his death hadn't been registered to their timelines.