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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

1000 replies

colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 16:22

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new.

But I honestly don't know how I can bear this Sad

This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him.

I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself.

How do I bear this?!

OP posts:
Confusednet · 10/01/2022 23:40

@colouringindoors when did you call and message him? Flowers

fedup078 · 11/01/2022 06:26

Oh this is all bringing back such bad memories
With my ex, we'd had some stupid little row and he ghosted me. But we worked in the same building!
I knew it was over because he'd promised he would say goodnight every night and he always did but the night after the argument I got nothing
He refused to even tell me straight that it was over
I managed to coax him out for a coffee eventually but he still wouldn't talk and he ended up running off crying
I realised he was one messed up piece of shit at this point but my god did I love him
That year nearly killed me
What a prick to keep you hanging . Make this the last time you contact him though . I never got closure

Chocaholic9 · 11/01/2022 07:13

I'm sorry, OP.

I was where you are now, one year ago. Now I'm doing fine.

Chocaholic9 · 11/01/2022 07:14

Just to say that you will feel better. Probably sooner than you think.

Windywuss · 11/01/2022 07:24

Aww @colouringindoors you're only human. Don't beat yourself up. I agree that people don't always know their reasons. He sounds like he's very flakey if he's been with you and now the ex is around. Although it could just be an easy reason to give rather than really looking at his issues. Either way, although we desperately want to understand why, often what they say doesn't help.

I think instead that if you do have contact with him, although unwise, it's just going to be a gradual process of weaning yourself off him.

My ex sent me his reasons in an email. They hurt deeply as they were so superficial and didn't make sense. We've gone no contact and then he always gets in touch and I'm in a daft position now where he rings me all the time but I don't see him...see, I'm even more messed up! So I'm over my heartbreak but will probably have to go through it again at some point. What am idiot I am! But we are human. We all react in different ways. We had loads of tearful conversations. Sometimes it just takes some of us longer. It won't be at this intensity for too long. Flowers

AlbertBridge · 11/01/2022 07:50

He might not have answered because he was with someone else.

Eww.

scorpiogirly · 11/01/2022 10:19

It's crap when they're so dismissive, 'let's talk tomorrow'. It's so rude. If I were in a position like this I would be happy to talk and answer any questions.

fedup078 · 11/01/2022 10:22

@scorpiogirly it's awful isn't it
I know no one has to stay in a relationship and we are all free to end them when we we like but I would hate to think I'd wounded someone so badly and just chose to ignore them
So many times on here we see ppl who have been ghosted or dumped out of the blue by text etc
It's so absolutely disgusting and gutless

AlbertBridge · 11/01/2022 10:32

'let's talk tomorrow'

Again, he was probably with someone else. It was late in the evening.

OP, never contact him again. You won't get closure, you'll just lose all your dignity and long-term (TRUST ME ON THIS!) you'll regret that.

All you need to know is that he no longer wants to be in a relationship with you. You didn't do anything wrong. You couldn't have changed it. It's 100% him and 0% you.

Block his number, delete him, lock your phone in the car every night. Not joking.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 11/01/2022 11:27

RoyKentsChestHair oh bless you. It's so hard, it leaves such a massive hole.

I think I have to have him tell me why. Even if it's a load of bollocks. And then that really will be it. He is seriously messed up. And not in a million years do I need another messed up man in my life.

I've managed to last longer at work today (without going home). So I guess that's something.

Thank you all x

OP posts:
UserBot989 · 11/01/2022 11:47

I would never again ask a aman for the reasons he dumped me. 1999 i needed reasons and we met up so he could give me the reasons. He told me i was racist. I already felt utterly wortless. I had a v low self esteem. Lots of reasons,bad parenting, lowest stream at school. Struggling career wise. I had been relocated, made redundant, passed over, over looked. I hid the low self worth. But then this man who had won my heart told me i was racist. I was nearly suicidal. I went on ant depressants. I had used outdated terminology but i had more empathy and more kindness in my heart than he had. He was the first woke person. Before it was a word. He worked for a charity, i worked in the city. The one and only time i met his dad he made lazy stereotypes about the irish, to my face, but i just thought, he's nervous, he's making conversation.

Anyway because i got the "reason" he dumped me i sank even lower. I sank so low i ended up in an abusive relationship and thought that worthless people like me couldnt expect any more. I thought only people with value could leave abusive relationships.

So luckily now if somebody dumped me, i wouldnt want to hear the "reason".
They are not obliged to destroy me telling me how awful i am.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 11/01/2022 11:51

He was with her for over 25 years. She initiated the split. I'm pretty sure he's not over her or the trauma of separation. It's nothing exciting. Just really sad and a big shame.

OP posts:
AlbertBridge · 11/01/2022 11:56

He was with her for over 25 years. She initiated the split. I'm pretty sure he's not over her or the trauma of separation. It's nothing exciting. Just really sad and a big shame.

Is this what he said today?

fedup078 · 11/01/2022 12:01

How long have they been separated?

Jjjayfee · 11/01/2022 12:04

I haven't read the ft but hope you are feeling a little bit better. I think in some ways the experience you had, whilst like grieving, can feel worse. Someone who dies doesn't have a choice but it feels like the person you loved did have a choice. That's what I found very painful when it happened to me. Now, with hindsight, I can see the flaws in the man I once loved. You will get over this.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 11/01/2022 12:04

No I haven't spoken to him. This is what I suspect... its been a couple of years.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 11/01/2022 12:05

Jjjayfee yes you're spot on re the choice. It is all really, really sad.

OP posts:
whatdoidonow11 · 11/01/2022 12:09

Maybe he needs space?

AlbertBridge · 11/01/2022 12:28

No I haven't spoken to him. This is what I suspect... its been a couple of years.

It would make sense.

I'm really sorry. Make sure you do LOADS of self care. Everything you like. Spoil yourself.

Bloody, bloody men.

workshy44 · 11/01/2022 14:34

Delete his number. The reason he broke up with you is that he doesn't feel as you do about him. If he loved you he wouldn't break up with you, it really is that simple.
You may get a reason, you may not but I can guarantee you will feel a 1000 times worse if you hound him for one.

You are giving him all the power and while it is too late now it was a mistake to call/text him.
I really wish you all the best , you will get over this

KissedintheDark · 11/01/2022 15:37

@UserBot989

I would never again ask a aman for the reasons he dumped me. 1999 i needed reasons and we met up so he could give me the reasons. He told me i was racist. I already felt utterly wortless. I had a v low self esteem. Lots of reasons,bad parenting, lowest stream at school. Struggling career wise. I had been relocated, made redundant, passed over, over looked. I hid the low self worth. But then this man who had won my heart told me i was racist. I was nearly suicidal. I went on ant depressants. I had used outdated terminology but i had more empathy and more kindness in my heart than he had. He was the first woke person. Before it was a word. He worked for a charity, i worked in the city. The one and only time i met his dad he made lazy stereotypes about the irish, to my face, but i just thought, he's nervous, he's making conversation.

Anyway because i got the "reason" he dumped me i sank even lower. I sank so low i ended up in an abusive relationship and thought that worthless people like me couldnt expect any more. I thought only people with value could leave abusive relationships.

So luckily now if somebody dumped me, i wouldnt want to hear the "reason".
They are not obliged to destroy me telling me how awful i am.

What a wise and perceptive woman you are. Stay strong. Flowers ~ Op, I hope you are able to get some closure from whatever he has to tell you today. Flowers
SnowyWinterDays · 11/01/2022 15:47

.

AndItDoesntSeemToMatter · 11/01/2022 17:09

@workshy44

Delete his number. The reason he broke up with you is that he doesn't feel as you do about him. If he loved you he wouldn't break up with you, it really is that simple. You may get a reason, you may not but I can guarantee you will feel a 1000 times worse if you hound him for one. You are giving him all the power and while it is too late now it was a mistake to call/text him. I really wish you all the best , you will get over this
This is sadly very true, most of us have been there and it hurts like no words. But it's true and there's absolutely nothing that can explain it away - if he was truly that bothered... he wouldn't let you go x
scorpiogirly · 11/01/2022 19:58

Hope you are doing okay tonight @colouringindoors. Not sure if you have spoken to him yet but I hope it went okay if you have x

Original poster
colouringindoors · 11/01/2022 20:14

Thanks Scorpiogirly

I did speak with him. Had a video call after lunch. It helped actually and I don't feel worse for it. I asked him to explain. And I said some things I wanted to say. He looked as shit as me. We both cried. I said I was going to try very hard not to contact him again and asked him to do the same. We wished each other well.

And now I'm in from seeing West Side Story and feel emotionally like someone has peeled my skin off. It's an amazing amazing film.

This afternoon I felt a tiny bit better. I always feel better for speaking to him, but also I think I have made some progress in starting to accept that it wasn't meant to be Sad.

OP posts:
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