Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

[colouringindoors]

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new.

But I honestly don't know how I can bear this

This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him.

I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself.

How do I bear this?!

@TheSpecialist

A friend said to me “good god girl get a grip” at a similar point in time to yours.

Time to move on lady. You’re wasting your precious life on something that was very short in reality. Stop living for the past. It’s gone.

I was the same. Forget the twat.

This sort of response misses the point entirely. It takes time to work through a huge loss, and it’s not your place to decide what size the loss is - it is ours only. It is dependent on childhood and more recent issues that all factor into what this relationship meant to us and how hard it is to get over. Colouringindoors and the rest of us on this thread are working REALLY hard to do exactly that. We’re doing all the right things - seeing friends, self-care, keeping busy, therapy, reading and learning about why this has hit us so hard - and yet it just doesn’t magically disappear because we decide it should.

If that worked, I would have felt better on Day 2, which is the day I decided I was definitely going to build a better life without him.

Thank goodness I don’t have ‘friends’ like yours.

I agree
It’s not 100% about ‘losing a man’

It’s the loss of something that made you happy
Again I salute the work you are all
Doing to process
I’ve learnt a lot through this thread actually

it’s very easy to go down a wormhole.

Sometimes a friend will help you see perspective as you’re far too down the wormhole.

A short relationship isn’t worth this amount of effort. I learned this the hard way.

But everyone else is also learning this the hard way hence this thread
I don’t disagree , painful lessons have been learnt
And will they approach the next one better
100%

I think when we shift our focus to it's not "them" we miss...but we miss the hope, excitement, whatever they provided that we needed it helps.

@iwonderiwonder

I am not sure whether I missed this, *@colouringindoors*, but do you think he has done this before, to other women? Had them fall in love with him then back off? Do you think that there were things he did which could almost have been calculated to make you fall in love? I might be way off here, it is just that some of this sounds oddly familiar!

I was wondering the same. For some men it's the thrill of the conquest and the addiction to being adored but they can't be satisfied with just one woman for extended periods of time so they look around to see who else wants to fall in love with them.

"For some men it's the thrill of the conquest and the addiction to being adored but they can't be satisfied with just one woman for extended periods of time so they look around to see who else wants to fall in love with them."

In my case this was definitely the case - lots of people start throwing around terms like NPD / gaslighter / abuser - tbh I think he just had his own issues; I wrapped myself up in knots trying to understand WHY but fundamentally I had to decide (1) it didn't matter why (2) I had to put it behind me

So I agree to an extent with the person who said wallowing is no good, but I also agree it takes time to get to the point where you recognise you're wallowing.

For me, I decided to draw a line when I got a new job, decided it was a fresh start, would break off contact etc, concentrate on work etc. 3 months later I met my now husband!

I don't think he's done this before. I think he's more damaged and shut down than I realised. But compared to ex was emotionally very open and expressive.

Not wallowing. Working to understand why this has been so devastating, and missing a close friend if over 2 years. Plus on top of a decade of major traumas and losses it's extra hard to loose something that made me happy.

I find this useful...

Spot on @Moff2k

@Thisisworsethananticpated

I agree It’s not 100% about ‘losing a man’

It’s the loss of something that made you happy
Again I salute the work you are all
Doing to process
I’ve learnt a lot through this thread actually

For me it’s about losing a part of myself - whilst his immaturity is part of the problem, he was also very playful and a bit naughty, which brought out a side of me I’d not seen for many years. I’m now questioning who I even am without him. I’m a bit like a sponge - I soak up the traits of people I spend time with. He was a very strong personality so I sort of fitted into the spaces left by him. Without him there’s nothing to fit around iyswim. Someone posted early on about being a satellite to his planet and it really did explain how I felt. That without him I have nothing to orbit and I’m floating in space. It’s going to take a lot to fix this, and while I know it’s the right thing to do, it’s not as simple as just getting a grip!

And what Moff said!

@RoyKentsChestHair I can relate to that. My ex was funny, jokey and we had fun together. I realise now that that's something that's been missing from my life for a long time and I need to figure out how to find other fun people to hang out with to fill that need.

@Moff2k Yes that is so true.

I think it is completely understandable that you would feel heartbroken, the loss of expectation for a start, we humans all thrive on being connected to others and when you feel it was a special connection it is of course heartbreaking to find out it is not what you had believed it was and it takes a considerable physical toll too, so looking after your body and health is so important at the moment. If you focus on being physically okay, good sleep good food exercise you don't have to think about whether you are wallowing or not but this is a loss and grieving a loss of expectationand taking care of yourself is important.

He may not have done it before but it does sound like he wasn't being entirely genuine because I just don't see how he couldn't have realised that you were so invested and at your ages and with dc on the scene it was incumbent on him to be more sure before leading you down the garden path surely

Thank you.

Going away tonight for the first time since i went away with him in November. Memories of that trip are filling my head. I loved it. Stupid man, he could have had lots more like it.

It does help to realise they’re the ones missing out doesn’t it. Hope you have a lovely time.

Yes it does. Thanks @RoyKentsChestHair I've had a better day. When memories of him have popped into my head I've basically thought "fuck off [name]" which has been quite effective!

@mumtothethreeamigos how are you doing tonight?

I’m feeling so much better. Dare I say it I feel I’m over him. He was really hard to deal with and I feel far more peaceful having no contact with him. I’ve booked onto a climbing course all weekend and I got my nails done today. I’m on the up. How are you? Hope you’re feeling ok xxx

That's good to hear @Mumtothethreeamigos You may still go up and down but it's good that you're doing fun things for yourself.

Ah that's good, glad you've found a positive. I'm finding the "fuck off [name]" approach when i get a memory pretty effective!

Ok so I came down again. Went to a 40th and just felt so sad to be single and alone with lots of couples. I realise many of them have ups abs downs but it’s hard when you have split with someone. I was SO tempted to send the ex a pic of me all glammed up saying hope you’re well I’m doing fine but thought better of it realising that only people who aren’t doing fine send that kind of shit 😞 xx

Urgh that's hard. I've been out with dd today and appreciating having her around as everyone else is paired up. It's really wearing.

I miss him. I miss having that One person to chat to at the end of the day. I miss physical affection and sex. I miss walkingbalong a windswept beach with him and his arm around me. I miss not feeling lonely.

Going away has been tough. Especially today where what I've done and even the weather has been similar to being away with him. Hopefully next time away it'll be easier. Feeling pretty low tonight.