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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

1000 replies

colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 16:22

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new.

But I honestly don't know how I can bear this Sad

This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him.

I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself.

How do I bear this?!

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/02/2022 20:32

Your going to get through this
And the cry did you good
But I think the less you idolise him the better
You’ll come
Through this a stronger woman
Watch it and tell me what you think

WhisperingJesse · 08/02/2022 22:37

I watched it and wow, like you said it is absolutely right. This is what I have been experiencing and I can identify both a need and trait that he fulfilled for me.

It's like I said earlier in this thread about having been starving and someone offered food. It's so very painful to have it taken away again.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 09/02/2022 18:39

Thanks. I am nearly not idolising him at all. I am focusing on the list. And the fact that he knew I was in love with him but didn't have any long or even medium term plans. Still hope he misses me and regrets us ending. I am now 50:50 between dreaming he'll turn up on the doorstep (which will never happen) and begging me to take him back and if I see him being clear I don't want him back.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 09/02/2022 18:40

It's like I said earlier in this thread about having been starving and someone offered food. It's so very painful to have it taken away again.

THIS x a million %

OP posts:
fenellastripe · 09/02/2022 18:54

@colouringindoors

Thanks. I am nearly not idolising him at all. I am focusing on the list. And the fact that he knew I was in love with him but didn't have any long or even medium term plans. Still hope he misses me and regrets us ending. I am now 50:50 between dreaming he'll turn up on the doorstep (which will never happen) and begging me to take him back and if I see him being clear I don't want him back.
Did he explain why he isn't over his ex? Also, were there no signs he wasn't over his ex? Could the ex be back on the scene?
Original poster
colouringindoors · 09/02/2022 20:48

Would so, so like a Him hug though. I'm a naturally affectionate person. Who's been starved of affection for over a decade.

my yoga teacher said would i like to meet for a coffee i said yes she said she'd message me today re when. no message. I know, don't take it personally.

OP posts:
fenellastripe · 10/02/2022 14:08

@colouringindoors
I find your fantasy about turning up on his doorstep and speaking to his wife kinda strange. Hasn't he split from his wife?

2022newyrnewme · 10/02/2022 22:01

@colouringindoors I’m so sorry, it’s an awful feeling..time helps.
My x of 5 yrs ghosted me over something minor..here one day gone the next..shocking,. tell yourself it’s for the right reasons..even if it doesn’t feel like it. Hugs x

Original poster
colouringindoors · 11/02/2022 18:03

@012022newyrnewme god what a total sh*t! So sorry that happened to you. Hugs right back.

Signed off from crisis team group therapy I've been doing for the last fortnight (gone fast!) I has helped, no least felt a lot less alone. Tough this evening though.... trying to distract with crafts!!

OP posts:
WhisperingJesse · 12/02/2022 17:42

How long till the heartache ends? It's been 5 weeks of total NC and I still think of him all the time, still miss him (despite knowing he wasn't perfect for me) and still long for his body.

Is this really going to fade/stop? I'm doing all the right things - thinking positively of life without him, inner healing, keeping busy with exercise and friends, but God I just still miss him.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 12/02/2022 17:47

You are doing great
And doing the right things to get through this
But pain doesn’t fade in 5 long horrible weeks

Homebaby · 12/02/2022 19:36

I commented early on and have been following since. My break up is slightly different as I've had a whole world of other shit to deal with alongside so it kind of all blended in to one and tbh I feel like I've had to re build much of my life in the last few months. What I said originally still stands, you will get through it as hard as it still seems right now.I'm still finding it hard. But you're all doing amazingly. You will have good days /hours /minutes but it's important that you don't beat yourselves up about the times you feel hopeless. They're normal and show that you have a heart. My ex was a raging narcissist, like out of a textbook. Having never come across one before it's been the biggest learning curve. I'm determined not to let him win despite what my brain sometimes tells me. I was recommended a book by a friend, it's called the chimp paradox. It explains how our brains work and how the emotional side can take over in times of stress. And importantly how to manage it. For me it's been a game changer, and if it helps one other person I'll be happy. Good luck to you all.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 12/02/2022 19:55

@Homebaby thanks so much for the support and kindness. It really does help and is so appreciated. So sorry that you've also had a really tough time. My exh has a few narcissistic traits and it's a total headfuck. That book sounds good - thank you. Will see if it's on Audible...

How long since your break-up?

OP posts:
Homebaby · 12/02/2022 21:33

@colouringindoors we broke up last September, I saw what he was after a few months and ran. A few weeks later I discovered I was pregnant, a huge shock and meant he was back in my life. Unfortunately I lost the baby through a missed miscarriage, had a terrible time with the treatment and he behaved appallingly. You'd think I could have ran away faster than the first time but hormones and my skewed brain made it so much more difficult. Had a few other sad things happen and I spiralled a bit. One thing that pulled me through was reading about narcissism and how their minds work. They are one massive head fuck but I'm trying to turn it in to a positive and work on myself a bit hence the book. And I've started counselling which is also helping. I still have thoughts that he might change but deep down I know they don't. And life is hard enough without someone deliberately trying to sabotage us!
I really hope the book helps and you can stay strong. One step at a time 💐

Original poster
colouringindoors · 12/02/2022 22:07

oh gosh that sounds so tough, I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It may well be that the hormone rollercoaster made the situation with your ex even harder. I'm glad the counselling is helping. Take good care of yourself Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 13/02/2022 14:35

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2021/sep/26/i-was-seeing-a-man-for-a-few-months-why-am-i-so-heartbroken

Good advice here. Might try that allocated 30 mins- have felt on verge of tears all day...

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/02/2022 18:14

I wondered abiut the 30 mins advice too
That said , that said you have nothing to lose and everything to gain
But I’d also struggle a bit to do that too x

kellyspark · 13/02/2022 18:15

Were you unwittingly an OW, OP? It happens a lot it seems.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/02/2022 18:15

I’ve stayed seeing someone new ish and already my anxiety and insecurities are rising
And obsessive message checking

Why do I get like this ? Why can’t I chill
Take one day at a time

kellyspark · 13/02/2022 18:18

@Thisisworsethananticpated

I’ve stayed seeing someone new ish and already my anxiety and insecurities are rising And obsessive message checking

Why do I get like this ? Why can’t I chill
Take one day at a time

Life's so much easier when you chill about men. I find that comes from being comfortable with being alone should the situation ever occur.
Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/02/2022 18:41

I’m happy single that’s the irony
I just get mental weird over guys that I like

Mumtothethreeamigos · 13/02/2022 22:05

I feel your pain. I have split with my boyf after a year of on and off on and off. I’m totally devastated and feel hopeless, heartbroken and also don’t know what to do with myself. Never known pain like it (split with emotionally abusive ex husband four years ago) it’s so hard. I’m trying to take one day at a time and not think of the future which feels vast, empty and lonely from here. Sending love xxx

Original poster
colouringindoors · 13/02/2022 22:56

@Mumtothethreeamigos oh I'm so sorry you're going through this. For me and others on this thread, the end of the first relationship following a toxic one, seems to be particularly awful. It's hard to believe, but the pain does ease, slowly. Keep posting here if it helps - we know what it's like Flowers

OP posts:
PeakyBlender · 14/02/2022 19:20

Hope you guys are all okay today.

spacehardware · 14/02/2022 19:43

I have been in this exact situation it SUCKS

made even worse by the way the guy behaved after he broke it off, keeping me dangling for ages, saying he still loved me (even when he had moved in with another woman!)

Felt utterly wretched, far worse than after my divorce but as others have said I think it was aggregated trauma.

Anyway just over a year after I finally put a stop to it, I met my second husband and he is bliss

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