Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

[colouringindoors]

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new.

But I honestly don't know how I can bear this

This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him.

I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself.

How do I bear this?!

But that 4 weeks has really lasted 4years, don't you think? I've never known time to move so slowly.

Totally. Longest 4 weeks in a long long time x. Really want to message tonight. To have that connection, someone on your side, someone focussed on you.

@LittleWins

Please do not message your ex boyfriends on their birthdays.

It will not end well. You will either obsess about his response or lack of. You are looking for a reason to justify contacting them. It’s over. It will hurt but it will be OK soon.

Hang in there!

It’s also not fair on him. I’m dreading my birthday in case my ex decides to send me a message. He’s blanked me for 3 months by that point and I’m just starting to come to terms with it. Seeing his name pop up on my phone at this point will really stir up some feelings that I don’t need at this point. It’s not kind to reach out to someone on a day which should be about them not you.

Fair point but doesn’t that depend on who broke up with who? He broke up with me but specifically expressed an interest in remaining friends and he was genuine about that. He enjoyed my company and lots about me but just didn’t fall for me. I said I would need time to get over him before I could consider that but as a result it’s left the door open for me to contact him when I feel ready.

Anyway I’ve realised that it’s a lot to do with the people-pleaser in me that was really making me feel like it would be rude if I didn’t, and I’m breaking that habit and learning to do what’s best for me so at the moment I’m not planning to message him.

RoyKentsChestHair
That’s a very fair point
It was me that instigated ending as wasn’t working for me as he was very distant
I’m now dating others anyway

But he did like me I know on some level , there was a connection
And I always want completion

I’d hate to ruin a day for him
Just want him to know I remember him and havnt forgotten him

But yeah

Inexplicably heart-achingly missing him this evening. Have a bonkers urge to drive to his house. Which I totally will not do. I just remembered he has a book of mine. But I won't ask for it back. I'll buy another copy. "Exquisite, wonderful, beautiful" apparently. But not enough. I don't want to be on my own for the rest of my life but god how do you get involved with someone else and risk THIS again?

I think , and I’ve said this before
The problem was he was your main source of joy
Would you disagree ?
There is every chance to meet another kind one
But I think you have to work , and god knows it’s not easy , on having other sources of happiness
I hope that I havnt crossed a line saying that x

No you haven't. You're right, he was my main source of joy, after 10 awful, awful years.

I know I need to do more, see more, meet more. But god.

Babe I had 20 horrible years with my ex
Not comparing by the way , or minimising
I always knew he was horrible sadly so for the last few years I had to work very hard to build friends , network , joy as I knew we would end eventually

Look it’s not easy
But the mental health support you are accessing will help you with this

Promise x

Thank you. I really appreciate that. Tonight I'm just wondering how I find joy when the thing I've missed most, and need most is a healthy positive emotional and physical relationship, something I've not had in way over a decade.

But I trying to be open to possibilities.

I am in exactly the same position as you. A miserable marriage followed by a happy relationship, then nothing. I can’t seem to get over it, he’s now blocked me because I was sending him emotional messages.
I just feel so lost. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody x

So sorry @humps27 it's so hard. Have a rant if it helps x

@colouringindoors

Thank you. I really appreciate that. Tonight I'm just wondering how I find joy when the thing I've missed most, and need most is a healthy positive emotional and physical relationship, something I've not had in way over a decade.

But I trying to be open to possibilities.

I’m with you. It’s so hard when you just want love and affection. My friends keep saying “you don’t need a man to be happy” but I sooooo miss the hugs and the sex, and just having in-jokes with someone. It’s horrendous.

But I have to keep reminding myself that if he wanted to be with me, he would be.

He’d make the changes that he knows he needs to make to be in my life. If his right to be verbally abusive is more important than spending the next 40 years in my company, fuck him. He’s a narcissist - he’s not going to deny himself of something he wants, which means he doesn’t want me. That sucks but it’s easier to cope with than imagining him kicking himself for letting me go.

This thread helps, feel less alone knowing other people are going through similar things.
Would be nice to check back in a year and hopefully everyone that has been through this heartbreak will be happy and in a much better place x

@RoyKentsChestHair

that pic is interesting. I'm def in between both bonds.

I sooooo miss the hugs and the sex, and just having in-jokes with someone. It’s horrendous

yes it is. Especially ime when you know what you're missing.

@Humphs27

yeah it does help that this pain of a first powerful relationship after an unhappy marriage/relationship is a Thing. And that we're not alone.

But I have to keep reminding myself that if he wanted to be with me, he would be

yes.

They didn't want it, love us enough. And that is their fkn loss.

I think that trauma bond is very interesting !
That’s all I seem to get relationship wise !

I look at the sometimes dull-appearing husbands my friends married and wonder why that was never something I went after ?

I think that’s why on some level I’m ok with being single , as the alternative seems to be a trauma bond which I appear to be wired into having

I think men and women both want this loving relationship , I mean that’s why the apps are full. Bit so many people just can’t , won’t , or are unable

Urgh woke up feeling shit and very very lonely

i just don't want to keep doing this anymore

I know, but you can do it. You really can. You are doing better than a month ago, and in another month you will have improved some more.

Keep
Putting one step in front of another
You yourself said you had seen improvements
Have you got any
Mental health stuff this week lovely

Look you can either continue to move on with this as you have done or you can let it destroy you. It's never a straight line forward - it's always 3 steps forward and maybe two backwards. Find your self love - that love is way more important than love from anyone else. Tell yourself this is possible because it is.

Worth watching
Scary how accurate it is

thanks Thisisworsethananticpated will take a look.

thanks for the encouragement. Today has been really tough. I ended up sobbing on my lovely yoga teacher who gave me a hug. Just spent a nice hour with dd so i still feel v emotional but a bit calmer if that makes sense.