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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

1000 replies

colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 16:22

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new.

But I honestly don't know how I can bear this Sad

This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him.

I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself.

How do I bear this?!

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 31/01/2022 19:53

thank you, I really appreciate that x

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 31/01/2022 21:12

It sounds crazy but tonight I still can't quite believe we're not going to message again, or chat on a walk, or sit in the pub, or have incredible sex. It is so sad and such a waste Sad I still fkn miss him so much. Sitting next to him while he drives us somewhere, feeling safe and happy and content. Laughing and joking about the music selection.

OP posts:
Persephonespip · 31/01/2022 23:14

It doesn’t sound crazy. You’re not crazy. You’re grieving. You weren’t together long enough to find out all his bad points, you’re still remembering the honeymoon version. It’s good that you have been starting to feel angry: he knew you were vulnerable, he knew you were in love with him. Would a good friend and a kind person have become involved with you in those circumstance? Hang on in there, op,…

Original poster
colouringindoors · 31/01/2022 23:18

He talked about work a LOT Wink

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 31/01/2022 23:23

he knew you were vulnerable, he knew you were in love with him. Would a good friend and a kind person have become involved with you in those circumstances

OP posts:
Persephonespip · 31/01/2022 23:38

He talked about work a LOT

Well, that’s pretty dull Grin

Original poster
colouringindoors · 31/01/2022 23:47

And he accompanied me to all my hosp appts and took care of me and asked useful questions of doctors. He did care for me. And he was also pretty crap. That's the thing. It's not black and white.

OP posts:
Persephonespip · 31/01/2022 23:53

I know it isn’t. it just helps (me) to try to concentrate on why he was bad for me; otherwise I’ll drive myself insane Smile

Original poster
colouringindoors · 31/01/2022 23:57

Ah. Sympathies x

OP posts:
RoyKentsChestHair · 01/02/2022 01:41

@colouringindoors

And he accompanied me to all my hosp appts and took care of me and asked useful questions of doctors. He did care for me. And he was also pretty crap. That's the thing. It's not black and white.
This is the hardest thing isn’t it. People keep saying to me “well if it was right you wouldn’t have been arguing so much” but in between times it was wonderful, so much affection, such generosity, and just so many laughs all the time. Like you it feels like such a waste. I would have put up with so much low level shit that other women just wouldn’t (I know I should have higher standards! But he was messy, egocentric and way too involved with his ex, which I know lots of my friends would not accept). He just had to not overstep some fairly robust boundaries and he fucked it up. I’m so cross with him as well as broken hearted.

I had a message from a relative of his this week after 2 months saying that he was sorry to hear we’d split up and that he’d always considered me to be lovely. Sad. I told him I’ve struggled but I’m getting there. I guess I’m half hoping that he’ll let him know that I’m so sad, but I don’t know what that would achieve as I know I can’t get back with him. It’s torture.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 01/02/2022 02:03

oh I'm so sorry RoyKentsChestHair you're right, it is torture. Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 01/02/2022 14:28

Today I've just been thinking "What were you doing XXX? Did I get caught up in a latish mid life crisis? pandemic aberation? health issues causing mid life crisis? I'm pretty certain it was more than just fun. What were you doing though, with everything you knew about me.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/02/2022 08:16

It’s February ladies
January is OVER
Op I’ll be honest , he maybe really liked the sex and companionship with you but found the emotional toll heavier

Last autumn I was In a very bad way bout my son and had building work
I was stressed beyond humanity and i wasn’t in the right place for a relationship of any type , even casual

I know it’s boring but the self care the hard work on us is critical
Therapy
Meds
Exercise
Friends
Getting the right support in place

As this way we don’t put our emotional eggs in one basket

Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/02/2022 08:17

And it February which means
I text my ex obsession for his birthday this month

WhisperingJesse · 02/02/2022 09:49

Are you definitely going to? I haven't decided yet.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 02/02/2022 10:19

WhisperingJesse
I am
It didn’t end great and actually , a lot was my headspace
He meant a lot to me for a while
But zero zero expectations
zero

WhisperingJesse · 02/02/2022 12:42

Good. If you can have zero expectations then that sounds okay. I have 11 days to decide whether I can be in that headspace or not.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 02/02/2022 21:49

I am definitely not messaging Him.

That's progress - it will be 4 weeks Friday.

I still feel very, very sad, but the literal agony of the first two weeks has subsided.

So if anyone's still reading and similarly heartbroken,

hang on.

OP posts:
lollipoprainbow · 02/02/2022 22:14

@colouringindoors as my lovely mum used to say once you've hit rock bottom the only way is up. This was said to me many many times during various devastating break ups !

Gettingonwithit12 · 02/02/2022 22:44

OP I’m glad to read your update. Think how far you’ve come since those first two weeks, and then how much better you’ll feel in the next two weeks and so on… definitely hang in there, you can do this

Original poster
colouringindoors · 02/02/2022 23:11

thanks so much x

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 03/02/2022 16:37

Urgh. Thursday still proving deadly SadSadSad. Miss him so much. What were you doing XXX???!!!

OP posts:
LittleWins · 03/02/2022 19:15

Please do not message your ex boyfriends on their birthdays.

It will not end well. You will either obsess about his response or lack of. You are looking for a reason to justify contacting them. It’s over. It will hurt but it will be OK soon.

Hang in there!

PeakyBlender · 04/02/2022 21:53

You're doing really well and time is passing and you're healing x

Original poster
colouringindoors · 04/02/2022 22:09

4 weeks today. Things are a lot better. I'm sad, exhausted and frustrated. Miss the deep connection. But getting there...

OP posts:
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