Page 27 | Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

colouringindoors · 2022-01-07T16:22:22+00:00

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new. But I honestly don't know how I can bear this [sad] This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with. This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him. I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself. How do I bear this?!

Original poster

colouringindoors · 28/01/2022 09:34

Three weeks today, this morning. Feels like forever though it's still vivid. I miss you.

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WhisperingJesse · 28/01/2022 17:10

@Persephonespip That was useful thanks. You're absolutely right about it being about the glimpse of a happier life. One thing I've realised after my breakup is that he really made me laugh, which I had lacked so much in my relationship with my depressive negative husband. So now I need to make sure I spend time with friends who make me laugh so that I have that in my life with or without him.

Amethyst1974 · 28/01/2022 19:35

Not read the whole thread but wanted to share my story. 20 years ago my partner of 4 years left me for someone else. It was a woman he had been to school with and they had reconnected. We had just come back from an amazing 2 week holiday and I really thought things were fantastic between us. The following day he told me he had something to tell me and just like that he left. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I lost so much weight that people thought I had a serious illness. It was like my world had ended and everything looked stark and grey. He sent his friend round to collect his stuff and I never saw or spoke to him again. A week after it happened I sent him a begging email for him to contact me so we could talk. He never replied. The following months were horrific. I was signed off sick from work, I couldn’t eat or sleep and spent my days wandering around the house exhausted and crying. Eventually friends got tired of my tears and began to drift away. It was honestly the lowest point of my life. All my dreams of the future had been snatched away and I felt there was nothing left for me. My grief felt unmanageable, everything reminded of me of him, I couldn’t listen to music or watch telly or read a book without something triggering me.

It took a year for me to rejoin the world but the legacy it left was traumatic. It changed my view of relationships, I got married and went on to have two amazing children but I became guarded and shut my emotions off. I had therapy which helped enormously. It was helpful to talk to someone who was impartial and I realised I had an anxious attachment style. My whole identity was wrapped up in the relationship so that when it died, a part of me died too.

It does get better. I kept a daily journal documenting my feelings on a day to day basis. My therapist strongly encouraged me to repeat affirmations which helped hugely. Mine were: I release my attachment to (name) I set him and myself free.

She also encouraged me to have gratitude for this experience, to be grateful for the lesson that life has given and it’s made me a stronger, better and more empathetic and compassionate person.

Work on yourself OP and anyone else who is going through similar. Make your baseline fantastic so a relationship is a wonderful bonus in your life and not a desperate need where you’ll settle for anything. Good luck to you x

UserBotTrending · 29/01/2022 07:54

I had an experience like that 20 years ago too. No breakup hurt me that much since.
Altho the experience was a deep wound.
My parents parenting v neglectful so it triggered loads of wounds.
Wish id had therapy then. The next man i got inolved with(and had kids with 😪) was horribly abusive. I put up with it because i felt like nothing.
Interesting idea to be grateful for the experience. It left a legacy on my life for sure

PeakyBlender · 29/01/2022 07:58

When you're going through hell, keep going.

You're doing well x

LetsGoParty · 29/01/2022 08:59

Oh my, OP, you really have had a bad time. Hope things feel better soon

Original poster

colouringindoors · 29/01/2022 15:15

Ah thank you so much. Honestly, kind comments on this thread are making such a difference to me. Although I'd never wish this on my worst enemy it doesn help to know others have experienced something similar, esp after a previous unhappy relationship/marriage.

I'm not having a great day but rang Crisis team first thing and got a sympathetic RMN who was kind and helped me get moving.

I am st my sisters with my siblings but really struggling, now hiding out with the small kids!

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WhisperingJesse · 29/01/2022 18:19

Who knew that three weeks could feel like eternity? The time goes so slowly. I want to feel better now.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 29/01/2022 19:11

Hang tight ladies
Keep holding on
We should keep this thread running as I want to see you all perkier
I’m patient !
I’m ok , took me two long hard years since the split to be this perky though
I got over my jan 1st split fast but that’s because it was online rather than real x and I started old again

Original poster

colouringindoors · 29/01/2022 19:39

Who knew that three weeks could feel like eternity? The time goes so slowly. I want to feel better now

x a million

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Original poster

colouringindoors · 29/01/2022 19:42

We should keep this thread running as I want to see you all perkier. I’m patient

how patient?! 😅 Glad you're doing better x

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Thisisworsethananticpated · 29/01/2022 20:03

Patient ! Maybe not every day 😂 but milestone events
What’s really important is you are all talking
It’s so important to talk and get it out

Original poster

colouringindoors · 30/01/2022 13:39

Thanks Thisisworsethananticpated finding Sunday's can be really lonely. Have gone for a walk and now in garden centre for cuppa and another pots of daffs probably

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IBloodyLoveMichaelJackson · 30/01/2022 17:31

@Amethyst1974

Not read the whole thread but wanted to share my story. 20 years ago my partner of 4 years left me for someone else. It was a woman he had been to school with and they had reconnected. We had just come back from an amazing 2 week holiday and I really thought things were fantastic between us. The following day he told me he had something to tell me and just like that he left. To say I was devastated is an understatement. I lost so much weight that people thought I had a serious illness. It was like my world had ended and everything looked stark and grey. He sent his friend round to collect his stuff and I never saw or spoke to him again. A week after it happened I sent him a begging email for him to contact me so we could talk. He never replied. The following months were horrific. I was signed off sick from work, I couldn’t eat or sleep and spent my days wandering around the house exhausted and crying. Eventually friends got tired of my tears and began to drift away. It was honestly the lowest point of my life. All my dreams of the future had been snatched away and I felt there was nothing left for me. My grief felt unmanageable, everything reminded of me of him, I couldn’t listen to music or watch telly or read a book without something triggering me.

It took a year for me to rejoin the world but the legacy it left was traumatic. It changed my view of relationships, I got married and went on to have two amazing children but I became guarded and shut my emotions off. I had therapy which helped enormously. It was helpful to talk to someone who was impartial and I realised I had an anxious attachment style. My whole identity was wrapped up in the relationship so that when it died, a part of me died too.

It does get better. I kept a daily journal documenting my feelings on a day to day basis. My therapist strongly encouraged me to repeat affirmations which helped hugely. Mine were: I release my attachment to (name) I set him and myself free.

She also encouraged me to have gratitude for this experience, to be grateful for the lesson that life has given and it’s made me a stronger, better and more empathetic and compassionate person.

Work on yourself OP and anyone else who is going through similar. Make your baseline fantastic so a relationship is a wonderful bonus in your life and not a desperate need where you’ll settle for anything. Good luck to you x

What a terrible thing to have happened to you @Amethyst1974 out of interest do you know if he's still with her?

Original poster

colouringindoors · 30/01/2022 18:10

Was a couple of miles from his house today and good grief the urge to drive there was immense. This is so insane. I went NC with a him a while ago when we were just messaging a couple of times a week. I knew I was in love with him and at that point I knew he was not in the right place mentally. But I caved after a few months as I missed him so much. Now I'm supposed to go NC after 6 months "together". I feel like I'm losing what's left of my sanity.

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WhisperingJesse · 30/01/2022 20:30

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹. Shitty day for me too. I ended up driving home saying "he wasn't right for me, he wasn't right for me", trying to convince myself.

Original poster

colouringindoors · 30/01/2022 20:40

Urgh sympathies x I sometimes have to repeat "It's over" × 10 to try and get it into my thick head.

The temptation to message him is almost overwhelming: to articulate how horrific I still feel, how this is almost, almost unbearable, how he never should have started it given that I'd already told him i was in love with him twice over the previous 12 months. Everything we had and he had no intention of staying with me. What a shit. And me, what a total fucking idiot.

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Original poster

colouringindoors · 30/01/2022 20:43

he was the person I'd message when i was feeling low

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Amethyst1974 · 31/01/2022 13:14

@IBloodyLoveMichaelJackson

I have no idea if the relationship worked out. He moved away with her and it was before Facebook or social media, just as well really I couldn’t have handled seeing them happy on Facebook 😢

Amethyst1974 · 31/01/2022 13:16

@colouringindoors keep posting on here let us know how you’re doing x

UserBot9to5 · 31/01/2022 13:21

Not that I don't get it because I do I promise, but has that little voice whispered yet ''at least you don't have to tidy up just cos he's coming over''. And ''you can have a bloody cup a soup for dinner if you damn well want now'' ............ ''sod getting the legs waxed''. ''will buy myself this jacket as I won't need money for babysitters now''.

Original poster

colouringindoors · 31/01/2022 16:49

UserBot9to5 sadly not yet!

Amethyst1974 thank you x I started a 2 week online group therapy/treatment programme secured by crisis team today. 2 hrs a day. Hopefully it will help the severe depression aspect of the grief. I still can't sometimes believe it's possible to feel like this from a break-up. Back to my own gp later - have seen a different one over the last 2 weeks who was lovely. Bit daunted seeing mine. Feel a bit like a broken record - have seen her a lot over last decade.... but I've had suicidal thoughts every day for at least last 2 weeks, so...

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Original poster

colouringindoors · 31/01/2022 17:25

GP sympathetic but ultimately as waste of time. But what can she do anyway? Massive load of diazepam would be nice but never going to happen. Currently unable to see this ending well.

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amiafreakofnature · 31/01/2022 18:43

@colouringindoors

Urgh sympathies x I sometimes have to repeat "It's over" × 10 to try and get it into my thick head.

The temptation to message him is almost overwhelming: to articulate how horrific I still feel, how this is almost, almost unbearable, how he never should have started it given that I'd already told him i was in love with him twice over the previous 12 months. Everything we had and he had no intention of staying with me. What a shit. And me, what a total fucking idiot.

It's not your fault. Why would we think someone who tells us readily they have feelings for us is lying?

Thisisworsethananticpated · 31/01/2022 19:18

but I've had suicidal thoughts every day for at least last 2 weeks, so...

Well done for being so proactive
For starting this thread
For being honest abiut how you feel
And for really trying to get help

I know you don’t feel good (understatement of the year) , but I think you are trying so hard to get through this , for you and for your kids
You’ve been very brave