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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

1000 replies

colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 16:22

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new.

But I honestly don't know how I can bear this Sad

This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him.

I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself.

How do I bear this?!

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 16/01/2022 20:42

Oh I bet it has scorpiogirly that must mess with your head.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/01/2022 20:50

starylight

I missed your post
Jesus wept
That’s way harsh

Did you have any inkling he was so callous ?
I’m really sorry

Thisisworsethananticpated · 16/01/2022 20:51

scorpiogirly
I’m sorry

You might want to tell friend that moving forward you don’t want to hear this

WhisperingJesse · 16/01/2022 20:58

I've now RTFT. So much I could say. I haven't contacted my ex because I just know it would be too impossibly painful to do so. I know I wouldn't get the response I would hope for and that would be agonising. I haven't deleted him off anything but I'm not going to contact him and I think 8 weeks NC will be a good idea.

My ex is mostly a good guy and broke up with me because he just hadn't developed romantic feelings for me in the way that I had for him. God, I fell for him so hard and so fast. I'm over 50 too and I literally have never felt like this about anyone. And because of that I'm really afraid I will never feel that way about anyone again.

Anyway, he still likes me and enjoys my company and asked if we could still be friends. I said I would need 2-3 months before I could even think about that because it would be too painful, and he was amazed - he said he would have thought 1-2 weeks would do it. He really had no idea how strongly I felt. And it is so hard to lose that. I've been saying it's felt a bit like being in a famine (the lack of support and care in my previous marriage) and then someone comes along and starts giving you food and drink. It is so life-giving and healing and it feels amazing, and then all of a sudden it is snatched away and you're starving again.

starylight · 16/01/2022 21:02

@Thisisworsethananticpated Well he would sulk if I said or did something he didn't like, which sometimes ended up with him giving me the silent treatment for a few days. He hadn't done that for about a year though. Absolutely no indication he was going to break up with me, he'd bought us tickets for something in March.

WhisperingJesse · 16/01/2022 21:03

I've been listening to the 'How to get over your ex' podcast and there is a series of 5 episodes on '10 things you need to know after a breakup'. I've listened carefully and made notes on the first 3 of these and it is helping.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 16/01/2022 21:05

Ifell for him so hard and so fast. I'm over 50 too and I literally have never felt like this about anyone. And because of that I'm really afraid I will never feel that way about anyone again.

I've been saying it's felt a bit like being in a famine (the lack of support and care in my previous marriage) and then someone comes along and starts giving you food and drink. It is so life-giving and healing and it feels amazing, and then all of a sudden it is snatched away and you're starving again.

You've expressed this so powerfully. I feel EXACTLY the same. I'm a similar age too. It's brutal.

No contact is the best approach for most. Mine said he'd like to be friends. I said no. Not possible for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 16/01/2022 21:07

What's that podcast on?

OP posts:
WhisperingJesse · 16/01/2022 21:08

And I also have the mentally ill child (though she seems to be improving now I hope) and two parents with Alzheimer's so being treated nicely and being made to feel amazing and cared for a bit was so heavenly.

WhisperingJesse · 16/01/2022 21:08

I found it on Apple podcasts.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 16/01/2022 21:19

Oh I totally understand how incredible it feels to be cared for when you have major caring responsibilities too. It is heavenly. Sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Really hope your dd does improve.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 16/01/2022 22:14

Worst time of pm/eve when I'd usually message. So miss that intimacy. But am not tempted.

Night all.

OP posts:
Westmeathtip · 17/01/2022 00:31

Why did you only message on some days? How long had he been split from the ex?

Original poster
colouringindoors · 17/01/2022 08:20

Sending light and 🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷 to everyone who needs it this morning.

OP posts:
Boiledcabbages · 17/01/2022 08:24

Thank you. I need them this morning.

WhisperingJesse · 17/01/2022 08:43

I'm so tired of waking up shaky and anxious and sad. It was happening before the breakup as well because I was getting the feeling that all wasn't well.

I'm feeling angry as well about the way he handled some things. I guess that might be progress of sorts?

starylight · 17/01/2022 08:50

@WhisperingJesse I definitely think anger is progress, even if only small. I'm at that stage now, am furious how he treated me at the end!

Original poster
colouringindoors · 17/01/2022 11:01

boiledcabbages what are you up to today?

whispering I think anger is progress, but totally sympathise with waking up feeling like that. It's a tough start to the day.

starynight you have so much reason to be angry! anything of his you can smash (I threw some of ex husband's mugs across kitchen a while back, felt good!!)

Thankfully I am feeling a tiny bit better today as I'm having to cover lessons in the secondary school i work in. Scary. But distracting!!

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 17/01/2022 11:05

Today i feel like my ex is a f**king idiot to loose something so amazing. I hope he realises and regrets it for the rest of his life!!!!!

OP posts:
scorpiogirly · 17/01/2022 11:10

Glad you are feeling better. I bet you never thought that would be possible. Its weird how that starts happening. Going forward you will have more and more of these moments. I am also feeling a little more positive today. After yesterday my mind was jumping to all kinds of conclusions. There was hope even that we could work it out. But today I feel I don't want to hear from him, I don't want to talk to him. NC is definitely helping. I have a small design business, that kind went by the wayside when I started seeing him. But I have started that again and plan to build it up, I'm excited about that again.

scorpiogirly · 17/01/2022 11:11

@colouringindoors

Today i feel like my ex is a f**king idiot to loose something so amazing. I hope he realises and regrets it for the rest of his life!!!!!
Yes he is an idiot. I think mine is too. Mutual friend said to me he was a silly man as he could have had a good thing with me. Unfortunately he didn't have the balls to stand up to his ex.
Boiledcabbages · 17/01/2022 12:22

@colouringindoors I am working today but from home which can lead to staring out the window. I am also, if I'm honest, still waiting for a text. I wake up about 4am every morning and check my phone.

Boiledcabbages · 17/01/2022 12:22

@WhisperingJesse

I'm so tired of waking up shaky and anxious and sad. It was happening before the breakup as well because I was getting the feeling that all wasn't well.

I'm feeling angry as well about the way he handled some things. I guess that might be progress of sorts?

Totally agree with this towards the end
Original poster
colouringindoors · 17/01/2022 13:15

Boiledcabbages god i would definitely struggle wfh... sympathies re the text.

I'm running out of steam. 30 mins til lunch break and another walk...

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 17/01/2022 14:45

the thought of going back to being starved of physical affection is unbearable

OP posts:
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