Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

[colouringindoors]

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new.

But I honestly don't know how I can bear this

This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him.

I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself.

How do I bear this?!

Jesus boiled ! I had wine , gin and smoked

This week has been full on

But now sundays ruined

I gave up smoking and baked for 3 years. Split up from my long term ex and still didn't lapse but when I met the newest ex started smoking. This highlights where my head was at with anxiety and lack of sanity whilst WITH him. Now I'm back smoking again and need to pull together the will power to stop again.

Baked I mean vaped

Get the vape out
I’m feeling so meh
Really angry with myself for lapsing
Why can’t I have fun without drink

He finally told me "I can't give you what you want"

This means "You're much keener on me than I am on you and I'm starting to feel guilty about that, because I'm inherently a decent person."

So at least he's not another twat!

When did he "finally" tell you that? I wish you'd stop contacting him.

@starylight it's crazy. Have you contacted him since he sent that text? We'll never understand why or how they could do these things as we wouldn't do them ourselves.

@colouringindoors How are you feeling today?

@boiledcabbages my drinking increased during the second lockdown and started getting a bit out of hand. When I was with him I was drinking a lot more due to anxiety around the relationship. Since splitting I've cut down to about 20%.

@AlbertBridge

He finally told me "I can't give you what you want"

This means "You're much keener on me than I am on you and I'm starting to feel guilty about that, because I'm inherently a decent person."

So at least he's not another twat!

When did he "finally" tell you that? I wish you'd stop contacting him.

Just caught up on the full thread. OP, you need to leave him alone now. If the roles were reversed in this the responses would be less sympathetic and I'm going to be cruel to be kind.

He's not as into you as you were to him. It's over now; he's not changing his mind. You have two options- carry on moping or pull your big girl pants on and get on with your life.

He told me yesterday. I needed to hear him say it. I wont be contacting him again.

I am not moping thank you. I am grieving for the loss of a friend, lover and for the first strong, consistent picture of me being happy in the future with someone lovely that i love. I haven't anything like that vision in over a dozen years thanks to bipolar ex and other major traumas. I have dealt an enormous amount of awfulness over the last decade, but even so I haven't felt as horrific as I've done for rhe last 9 days ever.

I am pulling up my big girls pants by staying here for my kids because no way would i inflict a tenth of the pain I'm on them.

Op maybe now that it’s 💯 clear you can start to live on
Darling now is the time to delete him totally
I imagine you feel shitty today so keep on moving

Thisisworsethananticpated oh sympathies. I feel horrendous this morning and was alcohol free, can't imagine what I'd be like if Id drunk. Can you dose up on paracetamol and get outside?

Op maybe now that it’sclear you can start to live on yeah i think having heard him say that will help. Not making a difference to the sobbing this morning though.

If you continue to feel this bad , maybe see gp
I was totally a mess when i split with my ex and they gave me SSRI
They help
You’ve been through so bloody much and they might help keep you robust as you move on

You won’t feel this shit forever
But I’m worried for you

@colouringindoors

He told me yesterday. I needed to hear him say it. I wont be contacting him again.

I am not moping thank you. I am grieving for the loss of a friend, lover and for the first strong, consistent picture of me being happy in the future with someone lovely that i love. I haven't anything like that vision in over a dozen years thanks to bipolar ex and other major traumas. I have dealt an enormous amount of awfulness over the last decade, but even so I haven't felt as horrific as I've done for rhe last 9 days ever.

I am pulling up my big girls pants by staying here for my kids because no way would i inflict a tenth of the pain I'm on them.

This is like Day 1 all over again but it won't be as bad. You had some hope still but it has been dashed now . Get yourself out of the house and go for a walk with your kids today .

I so wish there was mumsnet when I was younger and going through awful break ups. Talking it through and sharing experiences would have been helpful. My mum amazing as she was could never understand why I got so upset after a breakup as she had never had anyone break up with her. I can still remember the desolate feeling and I'm ashamed to say that one breakup was so bad I used to add vodka to my bottle of water to get through the working day. I'm glad it's normal to have these feelings as I really thought there was something wrong with me !!

Thisisworsethananticpated thank you x Im already on 150mg sertraline for ptsd. im getting worried to

Then get back to the GP babe
You’ve taken a battereing and sometimes just talking to a kind professional helps
Please ?

Love is such a gamble isn't it

Ain’t it just
That’s why I’m looking for fun and casual
No one is breaking my heart again

Ha ! She says !

I'm can't even be arsed with casual I'm absolutely done now

Thisisworsethananticpated

i will i promise.

might ask sibling if they can come and stay with me this evening

I don't think it has helped that yoy have been in contact with him. I'm not blaming you for that at all, I did the same but the longer you stay no contact, the easier it will be for you to move on. I don't think anyone thinks they're ready for a relationship and the all of a sudden realises they can't do it. I am going to assume that he knew this all along and for that he's a shit.

I don't think you'll contact him again now he has made it clear
But from my experience your heartache will soon turn to anger
He had every right to end the relationship but he shouldn't have strung you along especially knowing full well what you have been through
I strongly advise that you now delete all his contact details

i hear what you're saying x but i think i needed to hear him actually say to me "I can't give you what you want".

i think hismarriage breakdown was similarly devastating for him and part of the reason he can't commit. i know it sounds like I'm making excuses.

I am logging time I'm not in contact with him. i have an elastic band to ping when i get the urge in the absence of something wiser.

Zero contact is the only way forward,you have to commit to
it, yo yoing back and forth only prolongs the pain and you never ever get the result you want, temporarily it might make you feel better, but it will only annoy him all the more.
Keep busy, switch thoughts, delete his number all his details and block. The less you focus on someone the quicker the recovery. There are lots of good books out there and loads of info online, read up and put it into practice, that will be the best thing you can do for yourself right now.