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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

1000 replies

colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 16:22

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new.

But I honestly don't know how I can bear this Sad

This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him.

I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself.

How do I bear this?!

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 13/01/2022 22:40

Thanks. It's hard to change my perspective on him because he was very kind and lovely on many ocassions. But what DasAlteLeid wrote is also true. Did I make a(nother) bad choice?

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 13/01/2022 22:41

Was some of his kindness/attention out of guilt?

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 13/01/2022 23:12

the trouble with getting angry...

OP posts:
AlbertBridge · 13/01/2022 23:58

The connection we have is so strong. Intense. Honest. Passionate

...On Thursdays and Saturdays, and a couple of evenings texting. After 3 years of dating, that's still relatively distant. Why?

So you knew him when he was still with his ex? 🤔 How close were you then? Was that when you told him you'd fallen for him, and then went NC?

I'm getting a Player/Headfuck/Unavailable vibe from him.

AlbertBridge · 13/01/2022 23:59

Every day you don't contact him, I get more and more proud of you.

scorpiogirly · 14/01/2022 10:19

Hope you're doing okay today @colouringindoors.

As Albert says, that doesn't seem like a lot of time put in on his part for the relationship.

DasAlteLeid · 14/01/2022 11:34

@colouringindoors

Thanks. It's hard to change my perspective on him because he was very kind and lovely on many ocassions. But what DasAlteLeid wrote is also true. Did I make a(nother) bad choice?
Why are you framing it as you making a bad choice? You went in to this with the right intentions from what I can work out, and that’s all one can do when one enters a relationship. Unless there’s a big back story, you put your trust in a relationship that you thought had good potential, which is something 99% of us do at some point in our lives. He’s the one who knew his own mind and doubts. He’s (possibly) the one who went in with less than noble intentions. Stop blaming yourself and see him for what he is - just a bloke, who at best cocked up a bit, at worst, strung you along whilst in a relationship and knowing you were vulnerable, and then cut and run when things turned more serious. He doesn’t sound great tbh x
Original poster
colouringindoors · 14/01/2022 11:57

we dated for 6 months

OP posts:
redredwine40 · 14/01/2022 20:03

Hope you're okay OP. I ended things with my boyfriend yesterday and I feel devasted. I know it was the right thing to do but all I want to do is message him and makes things right again. Big hugs

Original poster
colouringindoors · 14/01/2022 20:14

redredwine40 oh you poor thing. It's such an awful feeling x. What are you doing this evening?

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 14/01/2022 21:57

@Scorpiogirly how are you doing? I haven't been busy enough today, too much time to ponder.

Have lit a fire with dcs this eve though. First time. Exh always used to do the fire...

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 15/01/2022 01:20

he never saw a future with me did he? how did i get it so, so wrong? another emotionally fucked man. three years I've been in love with him. three fucking years Sad

OP posts:
RiverSkater · 15/01/2022 01:50

OP I would suggest you look up Limerance.

Wishing you all the best x

Original poster
colouringindoors · 15/01/2022 09:02

yeah. i have wondered about that

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/01/2022 09:06

I had limeramce with the last guy
It’s actually really helpful to realise that

Op , do you think that applies to your?

Original poster
colouringindoors · 15/01/2022 09:18

i dont know. the stuff ive read about iy said it was re someone you werent in a relationship with. but we were, at least for the last 6 months

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 15/01/2022 09:29

he was definitely always in my head

OP posts:
Boiledcabbages · 15/01/2022 09:34

Omg. Never heard of limerence and just googled it.
This is what has just happened to me.
4 months ago split up with my ex of 21 years. Was then pursued almost immediately by someone I had known since I was a teenager.
He love bombed me, continuous texts, spent every weekend with me and I was completely and utterly obsessed. Couldn't focus on anything else. Not work, not friends.......
Just after Christmas all texts stopped and he has found someone else to do this to.
Although this has hurt, I can now recognise how so very very unhealthy all of it was. So many many red flags that I have ignored. So many things I would never have put up with if my mind was in the right place.
I was actually living with anxiety the whole time but couldn't see it. I feel so much better in my head now.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/01/2022 09:46

Same
With the last one I …..
Thought about him all the time , it was crazy cray cray
Had long involved fantasies , sexual and romantic
Read his familys profile on social media 🙈
Checked for his messages non stop

I also constantly deleted him as he wasn’t responding how I wanted and I knew it was unhealthy in some level

I knew it was weird and now I have a name
For it !!! I was questioning my sanity as I knew it was off and not right

Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/01/2022 09:52

Op I’ll say this again
You understandable put all your emotional eggs in this fellows basket
I totally get why you did it , 100%
But life is full and rich , and as you heal I urge you to try and get back in the wider world

I know you have had a horrific time and I’ve also got a son with (less life changing ) mental health problems after a divorce

But it’s worth working on this - as someone else might pop into your life and you can learn from this and maybe the next one you can have a more relaxed and less intense attachment

And maybe the next thing is more casual

I was so obsessed with the last one and it made me feel unhappy and weird

THisbackwithavengeance · 15/01/2022 09:56

What helped me during a very, very painful breakup was to say to myself that how I felt at that moment was the worst I would ever feel about it and if I could cope with the current pain, then I could cope with the breakup.

Once I "knew" I could cope, the pain slowly started to fade.

So sorry, OP, it's shit,, isn't it?

Boiledcabbages · 15/01/2022 10:12

@Thisisworsethananticpated

Same With the last one I ….. Thought about him all the time , it was crazy cray cray Had long involved fantasies , sexual and romantic Read his familys profile on social media 🙈 Checked for his messages non stop

I also constantly deleted him as he wasn’t responding how I wanted and I knew it was unhealthy in some level

I knew it was weird and now I have a name
For it !!! I was questioning my sanity as I knew it was off and not right

Exactly this!!!!!
Original poster
colouringindoors · 15/01/2022 10:12

it is SO shit Flowers

OP posts:
Boiledcabbages · 15/01/2022 10:12

@colouringindoors is this how you were feeling?

Original poster
colouringindoors · 15/01/2022 10:20

re messages yes. he was in my head of the time. I did see us together in the future, but no fantasies or scenarios.

i think there is an element of limerence. of dependence on someone who always made me feel better when i reached out to them when something shit was going on. but also complicated by the fact that he was genuinely "i never thought I'd feel like this about anyone again"

OP posts:
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