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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

1000 replies

colouringindoors · 07/01/2022 16:22

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new.

But I honestly don't know how I can bear this Sad

This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him.

I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself.

How do I bear this?!

OP posts:
DasAlteLeid · 13/01/2022 11:00

Also I’m so sorry to hear about your son’s condition, that sounds very traumatic for all of you x

Original poster
colouringindoors · 13/01/2022 11:45

felt the same after my significant break-ups, and would walk along the street crying, cry at my desk, cry on the tube

yeah this is me. Walked into college and started sobbing! I am crying less than last Friday, though that wouldn't be hard.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 13/01/2022 11:55

I came to this college for quite a few years before Covid hit. While it is lovely and I have a really good friend here, I have been a mess here before dealing with ex, ds etc. So it's proving hard to be back.

OP posts:
AlbertBridge · 13/01/2022 12:34

Do you think you're upset at the loss of this actual man, or at the removal of the lightness, fun, sunshine from your world? Without him, does everything else seem overwhelming, bleak, and difficult? Without respite?

I'd understand that.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 13/01/2022 12:38

I think it's both. But mostly him. He made me really happy, more than most people I've ever met tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 13/01/2022 19:39

I can't wait for today to be over. That will then be one week.

I miss him so much. I think I partly felt better Tuesday from just spesking with him. Oxytocin hit?

Part of me is dreaming he's taken my advice, getting some counselling and will come back to me in....... xxx months time. Certain. Head all good. Happier and healthier. It's bollocks though. I literally had a daydream that we'd talk about 3 funerals (that we were both at) and a wedding (ours). Hopeless, hopeless. But something good would have come out of all the awfulness of the last decade. And that would make the awfulness more bearable.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 13/01/2022 19:42

He was there for me so many times over the last 3 years. I guess I leant on him too much.

I hope he Really, Really, Really misses me.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 13/01/2022 19:49

Do. Not. Message. Him.
Do. Not. Message. Him.
Do. Not. Message. Him.

OP posts:
DasAlteLeid · 13/01/2022 19:52

@colouringindoors yes you will feel better having spoken to him, but only in the short term. I remember a horrible break I had with my long term partner when he left me to pursue another woman, I spoke to him with her in the background and still felt happier afterwards! It was a cross between feeding the addiction and knowing I was in his thoughts, even if only for those few minutes. But really it set me back, and actually we did end up getting back together which was a big mistake as he was a total commitment phobe and not good for me. Maybe if we had gone NC I would’ve been strong enough to recognise this and move on. From what you’ve written I don’t know if your ex is good for you either at this point. Getting some perspective by being NC can only be a good thing in the long run x

DasAlteLeid · 13/01/2022 19:54

@colouringindoors

Do. Not. Message. Him. Do. Not. Message. Him. Do. Not. Message. Him.
Agreed. It will only hurt you more. He has not contacted you. Do not hurt yourself more by self-sabotaging x
scorpiogirly · 13/01/2022 20:12

@colouringindoors

Do. Not. Message. Him. Do. Not. Message. Him. Do. Not. Message. Him.
I had a nap earlier and dreamed about him. I woke up thinking it was a good idea to contact him. I didn't. Been a rubbish day in terms of feelings. Don't give in. Every day is one day closer to being over it.
Original poster
colouringindoors · 13/01/2022 20:12

Thank you for replying x I really do believe I need to go NC. I have done it before with him (before he split with ex). I lasted 6 months.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 13/01/2022 20:13

Hugs scorpiogirly

OP posts:
Maybejustmaybe2022 · 13/01/2022 20:16

Give yourself some tough love.

When you feel sad or want to text him, say to yourself GOOD GOD GIRL GET A GRIP!!

SandyPanda · 13/01/2022 20:30

Don't message him. You need to get your angry on for what a disappointment he's turned out to be.

Talking to him the other day just prolongs the pain. Clean breaks heal the fastest x

Original poster
colouringindoors · 13/01/2022 20:42

Everyone is telling me not to message you. But it's like heroin. That I've been using for years. The connection we have is so strong. Intense. Honest. Passionate.

OP posts:
EmmasMum12 · 13/01/2022 20:42

Heroin kills

DasAlteLeid · 13/01/2022 20:53

@colouringindoors

Everyone is telling me not to message you. But it's like heroin. That I've been using for years. The connection we have is so strong. Intense. Honest. Passionate.
I’m going to be brutal but he obviously didn’t feel the same. Otherwise he would be with you now. I know it’s so hard, I really do. But continuing to believe you’re some kind of soulmates is only going to keep you trapped in this nightmare. See him for what he is - a fallible man who should’ve taken more care with your heart. He knew you were vulnerable and had lots of trauma over the years. He behaved selfishly by carrying on with you when he knew he wasn’t ready to date again. Get angry.
LittleWins · 13/01/2022 20:55

NC was then only thing that worked for me.

When I felt tempted I wrote down what I would say to him and seriously considered what response would make me happy & unless he said he had built a time machine nothing would.

You will get through this. There will be a brief window when you don’t think about it and you’ll notice that more & more.

saltandherbsandnothingnice · 13/01/2022 21:01

Virtual hug OP. That must be incredibly painful. Let yourself feel it all. This is the stuff of life. (Really annoying this to say, I know, sorry). The first after a hard relationship is always intense and feels special. You will find love again.

BetsyBrush · 13/01/2022 21:14

@colouringindoors

Everyone is telling me not to message you. But it's like heroin. That I've been using for years. The connection we have is so strong. Intense. Honest. Passionate.
Instead of writing all this stuff how about making a list of positive things that you can aim for in future eg

I deserve better than this
I deserve a man who loves only me etc etc ?

TBH the stuff you are writing is only indulging the fantasy you have in your head.

SandyPanda · 13/01/2022 21:14

Absolutely agree with the above. If it was good for him he'd have stuck it out. It needs to flow both ways else one person gets hurt.

You'll be okay.

Original poster
colouringindoors · 13/01/2022 21:24

man who should’ve taken more care with your heart. He knew you were vulnerable and had lots of trauma over the years. He behaved selfishly by carrying on with you when he knew he wasn’t ready to date again.

OP posts:
Original poster
colouringindoors · 13/01/2022 21:33

Yes. He did. I told him a way back I'd fallen in love with him.

OP posts:
Lin1276539 · 13/01/2022 21:42

If you love someone and then lose them, by whatever means, you will be dealing with grief. Be kind to yourself. Be the friend you need. Take time to mourn the loss and make sure to feel your feelings and not bottle them up. My thoughts are with you sweetheart ❤

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