Utterly, utterly, heartbroken

[colouringindoors]

I know I'm not the first and won't be the last. It's nothing new.

But I honestly don't know how I can bear this

This morning my relationship ended. We'd only been "together" for six months, friends for 3 years, I've "liked" him for over 3 years. It has been wonderful. I could talk about anything and everything with him. He made me laugh, he's kind, we had lots in common and omg the chemistry was incredible. I really thought he was the person I'd spend the rest of my life with.

This came after separating from my husband of 20+ years 4 years ago and a huge amount of trauma due to ex's severe mental illness, ds severely ill, dd diagnosed ASD. The last 10 years have been horrendous apart from meeting new man, getting to know him and becoming involved with him.

I feel worse than I did when I separated from my husband. I've been unable to stop crying all day. I literally don't know what to do with myself.

How do I bear this?!

the trauma has been so bad it's literally paralysed my ds' legs.

I’m with you. I’m a month down and only just stopped noisy snotty crying daily.

Still doing it. Just not all day every day!

I was with him 9 years and it feels like I cut off a limb, but it was infected and was causing me problems so it had to go .

I’m honestly broken but I have to keep hold of the idea that there’s a better man out there for me. When the chips were down and I needed him to support me he made things worse. He’s not a man I can rely on. I have to keep drilling that into my brain because at the moment it’s telling me to beg him for forgiveness and that I’ll tolerate any amount of shitty behaviour just to have him back.

Re messaging, even if you get a nice message back it may not help. I reached out with a short message saying “thinking of xx today, hope you’re ok” as it was a sad anniversary this week. He replied thank you for remembering and ended with a x. Set me back weeks.

This really is an addiction - and like drugs and alcohol - every time you crack you have to go back to square one. Every day you can get through you’re one step closer to being ok.

I really can’t imagine how hard it has been for you. It sounds terrible and life can be so unfair, some people seem to sail through and others get 10x the shit to deal with.

But! You need to remember that it was YOU who got you through everything over the years. Yes you can lean on others but the fundamental strength you drew on for years was your own. It’s easy to forget that when you’re heartbroken and everything is about the man who isn’t in your life anymore. But you don’t need to build castles on sand, it won’t help you in the long run and that’s how it was with him. You can’t rely on him and in your situation, you need to be surrounded by people who are only out for your good. The main one being you x

Sorry that was to @colouringindoors but @RoyKentsChestHair I’m so sorry you’re going through a horrible break up too. It is like an addiction and going cold turkey is the only way. Eventually those days turn in to weeks, months, and then poof! You’re ok and moving on. Hugs to you x

@DasAlteLeid

I really can’t imagine how hard it has been for you. It sounds terrible and life can be so unfair, some people seem to sail through and others get 10x the shit to deal with.

But! You need to remember that it was YOU who got you through everything over the years. Yes you can lean on others but the fundamental strength you drew on for years was your own. It’s easy to forget that when you’re heartbroken and everything is about the man who isn’t in your life anymore. But you don’t need to build castles on sand, it won’t help you in the long run and that’s how it was with him. You can’t rely on him and in your situation, you need to be surrounded by people who are only out for your good. The main one being you x

love this!

xxx

9 yrs x i cannot begin to imagine how you're still walking around. You're incredible.

I'm afraid I don't think no contact is helpful. I think setting boundaries as to what you can have a conversation about (we won't talk about feelings, getting back together, happy memories etc) is much more useful and allows you to process the shift in the relationship without feeling absolutely bereft about not being able to speak to someone. Also, not having contact allows you to create an illusion of the person in your head (they are wonderful, they've moved on, they are sleeping with someone new). Innocuous boring contact about Coronation Street is what helps IME.

It takes time. Let yourself be sad! It's all part of the process. Be kind to yourself.

the trauma has been so bad it's literally paralysed my ds' legs
Jesus , even now ? Permanently

oh fuck I've done 8 messages back to back 😭😅

Messages here are good!! Keep going with these! The more time you're messaging us, the less you're messaging him.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry the massage brought up your emotions (although, long-term, I bet that's really healing). I'm sorry he was your comfort person, and that the one person you'd usually turn to for support is the one who caused all this shite! I'm so sorry.

Apologies to the PP but I think Coronation Street messages are for WAY further down the line, when you're over him. I'm talking a year or so. Until then, you've got to break the addiction. And it IS an addiction. It's oxytocin. You've chemically bonded to this guy and you are going to have to 12-step your way to freedom.

Step one: admit you're powerless over these feelings. This love.

Step two: ask for strength from a higher power.

But always, always remember: one day at a time. No contact TODAY. Just do it one day at a time.

And I wasn't kidding about locking your phone in the car.

No contact also cures infatuation.
Infatuation is SO STRONG. It puts a sheen of glamour and "specialness" and meaning over everything connected to one person. It's the most distracting and blinding thing EVER. And it only dies through total neglect.

It's bliss when it goes. That's when you can see the person again and they look smaller, older, less impressive - because that magic aura your heart conjured up around them has vanished. They're just "normal" again and you wonder WTF you ever saw in them.

I've had three significant break-ups, and only the first one really got me. I was 21 and almost took an overdose. 😬 The only things that helped were: total wallowing, no contact; talking about it to everyone who'd listen (I bored friends in rotation); moving away; time; and lying in the dark in my bedroom smoking fags and listening to heartbreaking music. "Black" by Pearl Jam is perfect. Actually, watch that on video. Eddie Vedder is H 🔥 O 🔥 T and it'll cheer you up.

Sorry- have asked for my post to be removed. op I hope you find your strength to climb this hurdle. Sending you lots of good wishes

@DeoForty

I'm afraid I don't think no contact is helpful. I think setting boundaries as to what you can have a conversation about (we won't talk about feelings, getting back together, happy memories etc) is much more useful and allows you to process the shift in the relationship without feeling absolutely bereft about not being able to speak to someone. Also, not having contact allows you to create an illusion of the person in your head (they are wonderful, they've moved on, they are sleeping with someone new). Innocuous boring contact about Coronation Street is what helps IME.

Oh cripes, I've tried this in the past some 14 years ago. It was agony. Couldn't do it then I bailed on the dumper. Each to their own though but I think NC Is needed to get to the stage to be able to do this.

How are you today @colouringindoors? Remember take it one hour at a time if you need to. I found getting up quickly and turning the radio on to bullshit talk station like Five Live while getting some food down me quite helpful, autopilot and fake it til you make it x

Hi I am physically exhausted today, totally wiped out. Thursdays are when I'd see him so have decided to return to hobby group with a friend. Just got to find some energy from somewhere

Coffee
Have you bought some nytol one a night yet ?

So messages at night, and dates on Thursdays. When else did you see him? How many times a week?

Sat pm. Messaging through the day 2-3 days a week. That's the sum of it.

Have an anti anxiety med that I take at night which plus Calm App mostly sorts sleep. Haven't woken at 4 last couple of mornings - 6 instead which is better.

Have never drunk as much tea as I have this week. Stomach can't face coffee.

Must try and have shower.

I've had three significant break-ups, and only the first one really got me. I was 21 and almost took an overdose.❤

I don't like the term wallowing, to me it implies I have a choice in how I feel, how much I cry. I feel I have little choice. Sometimes, even though I try, I cannot hold the tears in, even if I'm out in public. I tell myself that most people won't notice that my ears are half the size due to puffiness. That if they don't understand this, they are lucky.

the trauma has been so bad it's literally paralysed my ds' legs
Jesus , even now ? Permanently

he got a ptsd diagnosis. Rarely the body's nervous system is so traumatised/ disrupted that it starts to malfunction. Messages from the brain don't get to their destination. Medically it's called a Functional Neurological Disorder. Ds has had it literally as long as I've know this man. Ds is improving. It's not permanent, but it's unstable, and he has other FND symptoms inc seizures, loss of use of arms, severe pain, loss of speech. It has been utterly horrendous. I got DDs ASD diagnosis the day after DS was admitted to hospital following acute onset of FND - legs stopped working one Sunday afternoon in October.

the final straw for my ds was the death of his uncle by suicide, my ex husband's brother.

I met my man at the funeral. He made what was a horrendous day, bearable.

@colouringindoors

I've had three significant break-ups, and only the first one really got me. I was 21 and almost took an overdose.❤

I don't like the term wallowing, to me it implies I have a choice in how I feel, how much I cry. I feel I have little choice. Sometimes, even though I try, I cannot hold the tears in, even if I'm out in public. I tell myself that most people won't notice that my ears are half the size due to puffiness. That if they don't understand this, they are lucky.

I felt the same after my significant break-ups, and would walk along the street crying, cry at my desk, cry on the tube! I’m not the most emotionally stable person and can cry at the drop of a hat so I do understand. In a few weeks you will be able to fight the tears back here and there, and then there will be fewer occasions when the urge to cry takes you, and then eventually you won’t be crying over this man anymore. I know it sounds clinical and like it doesn’t behoove what you and your ex had, but it’s the reality and coldly comforting in a way. You will get over him. Try to keep that in your mind. You will. X