What is this he's doing?

[HP715]

My DP was over last night and one conversation went like this

Him: have you seen my hat, I left it here the other day?
Me: no sorry I've not seen it.
Him: you must have, I left it here.
Me: I haven't, maybe check under the sofa?
Him: oh you should have said it was under there (checks under sofa). It's not there?
Me: sorry I don't know then.
Him: don't lie, you must have seen it?
Me: I really haven't!
Him: don't lie! You've probably hidden it.
Me: why would I hide it? And please don't accuse me of lying!
Him: when did I say you were lying?
Me: you did twice.
Him: no I didn't, you must be hearing things.
Me: no, I'm not.
Him: you've got issues!

He then goes in to the kitchen, makes himself a drink, comes back in to the living room and is back to being 'normal'.

He's usually absolutely fine but this kind of conversation is starting to happen more regularly. Am I the unreasonable one here? He 100% said I was lying twice, so being told that I was hearing things and I have issues is completely uncalled for, surely?!

It's gaslighting.

Yep gaslighting and the start of a slippery slope of further things to come I reckon.

Eugh I had this exact same thing with my exh only it was a pair of trousers
Then when he found then where HE had left them I hinted that he should maybe apologise to which all hell broke loose

As pp have said, gaslighting. Designed to make you doubt yourself and query your own perceptions and experiences. And it's working!

Ltb.

I couldn’t be with someone like this. Totally crazy!

This behaviour - gaslighting - is purposefully designed to get you questioning whether you’re the unreasonable one.

If it’s happening more frequently it’s an escalating pattern of behaviour designed to control you.

How long have you been with him? He has been on his best behaviour but is now reverting to his true self. A dick.

He is testing your boundaries to see what you will tolerate.

Hes trying to create drama/ an argument and is gaslighting you.
Get rid-it will just get worse.

Congratulations on recognising it. Not everyone does.

Now you need to decide your reaction.

Gaslighting, a worrying sign. Have you been with him long?

Gaslighting. Period. LTB

That's just plain nasty and unsettling.
Keep a very close eye on his future behaviour and your feelings. Have an exit plan if things start to escalate would be my advice.

We've been together nearly 3 years. This kind of conversation seems to be happening a bit more regularly. I was sat there last night thinking you literally just accused me of lying and now you're saying I'm hearing things, why do that, what is the point?!

He’s gaslighting and it’s the start of a slippery slope into emotional abuse

Dodge the bullet

Send him to the dump where all the rest of the POS gaslighting turds should be.

So he was at your place and didn't offer you a drink as well as being a cock?

I would suggest you have a few days away from each other, whatever your usual schedule, with the reason that you are not going to be accused of lying over a hat he has misplaced then told you are hearing things. Either he gets back into his reasonable box or you rethink if you are going to put up with this nonsense until the end of time!

You say he was "over last night", so he doesn't live with you?
You have one issue: your crappy boyfriend.

@ravenmum No we don't live together!

Exh used to do this, pretty much with anything that he'd misplaced. He 'knew exactly where he'd left it' therefore I must have moved it/hidden it/stolen it. Then it started extending to the DC must've moved it/hidden it/stolen it. When I defended any one of us he'd say why are you defending yourself I haven't accused you of anything .. sounds like you're guilty to me..

Tip if the iceberg, but notice I said EX husband.

Don't be putting up with this nonsense OP, be glad you don't live together and have a good long look at the relationship.

He could just be behaving badly, but if this is brand new, what’s his general health like? Is he on any medication that could affect memory? Alcohol/drug use? How old is he? Would you say he has any underlying mental health problems?

[quote HP715]@ravenmum No we don't live together! [/quote]
I know you may not want to hear it, but this is excellent news.
Your boyfriend thinks you're the kind of person who would steal and hide his hat, then lie about it? That is his opinion of you?
You can do better than this.

Gaslighting, I wouldn't be surprised if he's done similar in more subtle ways that you haven't picked up on, potentially with a nicer tone to mask his words, and is now upping his level of control. When you accept this level, he'll likely refer to your issues in losing and forgetting things, as though you both agree you are wrong. He may add in that he just wants to help you, worries about you.

Then you'll doubt yourself, as it seems you are forgetful and have trouble recalling what really happened. Things esclate and get broken and arguments increase, but it was your fault you leave things out and trigger him. After the incidents everything goes back to normal, so it's just you isn't it?

It's not you, it's him!

If his 'poor memory' is caused by health issues, there's still no excuse to be a dick and call the Op a liar.

Gaslighting..one of the reasons I ended things with my x. It’s a tactic to get you to question yourself over their unreasonable behaviour. Why anyone would do this to someone they supposedly love is questionable.