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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this he's doing?

149 replies

HP715 · 07/01/2022 09:05

My DP was over last night and one conversation went like this

Him: have you seen my hat, I left it here the other day?
Me: no sorry I've not seen it.
Him: you must have, I left it here.
Me: I haven't, maybe check under the sofa?
Him: oh you should have said it was under there (checks under sofa). It's not there?
Me: sorry I don't know then.
Him: don't lie, you must have seen it?
Me: I really haven't!
Him: don't lie! You've probably hidden it.
Me: why would I hide it? And please don't accuse me of lying!
Him: when did I say you were lying?
Me: you did twice.
Him: no I didn't, you must be hearing things.
Me: no, I'm not.
Him: you've got issues!

He then goes in to the kitchen, makes himself a drink, comes back in to the living room and is back to being 'normal'.

He's usually absolutely fine but this kind of conversation is starting to happen more regularly. Am I the unreasonable one here? He 100% said I was lying twice, so being told that I was hearing things and I have issues is completely uncalled for, surely?!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 08/01/2022 19:45

Urgh filthy man child you are well rid!

Block everywhere as he's going to try come back.

HoseMeDownWithHolyWater · 08/01/2022 19:58

Use his hat to wipe it up.

Pinkbonbon · 08/01/2022 20:00

Ugh, what a pig. You're well shot of him.

He'll be sat at home waiting for you to phone and appologise for calling him out on his bs xD hahaha...haha...ha.

Block him. Or in a few days time you'll get messages saying some shit like you're being a baby for not texting him. Trying to make you feel in the wrong.

Pinkbonbon · 08/01/2022 20:02

@WiserMe

Looking to provoke you? Then blame you for your reaction?
And probably this too.
Original poster
HP715 · 08/01/2022 20:02

@HoseMeDownWithHolyWater Haha 😂

OP posts:
Sideswiped · 08/01/2022 20:11

I hope you shouted 'good riddance to bad rubbish' as he walked out! Grin

IWasFunBeforeMum · 08/01/2022 20:14

Don't waste years with someone like this like I did. It'll mess you up. Get rid.

fuckoffjournalists · 08/01/2022 20:16

What a nasty way to talk to you and treat your house, hope you’re ok. Time to block him and move on.

ChargingBuck · 08/01/2022 20:20

Good grief.

You are well rid of the ridiculous toddler.
BLOCK!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/01/2022 20:21

Ugh thank god it's over! Please block him and have no more to do with him.

Gaslighting little wanker.

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 08/01/2022 22:09

Seriously op , please don't allow him to enter your home again.

SunshineCake1 · 08/01/2022 22:18

Obviously he will come crawling back so block and delete him immediately.

MissConductUS · 08/01/2022 22:19

It's not often the trash takes itself out.

It might be a mental heath issue or he might just be a dick.

Enough4me · 09/01/2022 00:10

He'll likely contact you again, say he was stressed, say he's worried about you, misses you...it's all rubbish. Block, go completely no contact, if wants his stuff put it in a black bag out the front.

CheekyHobson · 09/01/2022 04:29

Sounds like you're well rid already but this...

It's interesting you say that because that's exactly how it feels. He's told me on a few occasions that I 'stress him out' but failed to give me a single example of why

... is a classic sign of an abuser. They seem angry at you or say something critical in a general way about/to you (eg "You're so controlling"), but when you ask them to explain the reason behind their anger or give examples of the behaviour they're accusing you of, they will never be able to give specifics.

It's because they are projecting their own negative feelings onto you.

A similar thing tends to occur around how they perceive your "tone" or what they think you are thinking. Like if they are feeling irritable, they might accuse you of having "a funny tone in your voice" so that they can accuse you of being irritable.

Or if they have a negative thought about themself, like they are feeling unattractive, when you glance at them, they might snap at you, "What?!" You say, surprised, "Nothing! Why are you upset?" And they'll say, "You were looking at me like you find the sight of me disgusting." If you protest, you will find that they seem suspicious, or doubtful about whether you're telling the truth, which can be really unsettling. You find yourself questioning, "Did I have a funny look on my face? Could this be my fault?" If you have been feeling uncomfortable around them because of how they've been acting, you might even feel guilty because even if you weren't thinking they looked disgusting, you wonder if your feelings of anxiety showed on your face somehow, making them think you were thinking they are ugly. Your thoughts get all tangled up with theirs and you're not sure what's really going on.

So really, the takeaway is that confusion about the other person is a major red flag in a relationship.

Flickflak · 09/01/2022 05:14

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster
HP715 · 09/01/2022 09:06

@CheekyHobson Yes I did get accused of having 'a tone' quite a look. Or a 'look on my face'. Sometimes I'd just be watching TV and he'd come out with something like that.

@Flickflak Yes he has a key!

OP posts:
Original poster
HP715 · 09/01/2022 09:06

*quite a lot

OP posts:
ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 09/01/2022 10:28

You're being far too passive op. You're allowing him to enter your home as he pleases and talk to you like shit.

jeaux90 · 09/01/2022 12:28

Take the opportunity to block him and burn the hat Grin

Ddaydday · 09/01/2022 12:49

@CheekyHobson has it spot on. Dealt with this myself, it gets worse sadly

ProudAlly · 09/01/2022 13:01

Burn the hat, change the locks and block

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 09/01/2022 13:08

[quote HP715]@CheekyHobson Yes I did get accused of having 'a tone' quite a look. Or a 'look on my face'. Sometimes I'd just be watching TV and he'd come out with something like that.

@Flickflak Yes he has a key! [/quote]
Wow, I always love it when the trash takes itself out, and this man is literally rubbish.

I really hope this thread helps op and other people recognise these red flags early in future. Stuff about "looking at me funny" or "you're taking a funny tone" is a sign of someone who is in no way ready to be in a healthy relationship.

Sometimes it's fuelled by anxiety rather than abusive nature (which doesn't sound the case here) but it's not the sign of a good partner in either case.

Enough4me · 09/01/2022 13:17

OP, you are almost free, you need his stuff out and his key back.
Do you have a plan - possibly a friend who could help tak his stuff to him and collect the key?

Pinkbonbon · 09/01/2022 15:49

Or just drop his stuff round at his parents place.

I think I'd see about changing those locks ASAP though cause even if he give you the keys back, you just never know if he has made a copy.

The dude is a total headworker. Those comments about your mood are actually part of gaslighting too. Sounds like he's been at it for even longer than you realised.