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Original poster

What is this he's doing?

149 replies

HP715 · 07/01/2022 09:05

My DP was over last night and one conversation went like this

Him: have you seen my hat, I left it here the other day?
Me: no sorry I've not seen it.
Him: you must have, I left it here.
Me: I haven't, maybe check under the sofa?
Him: oh you should have said it was under there (checks under sofa). It's not there?
Me: sorry I don't know then.
Him: don't lie, you must have seen it?
Me: I really haven't!
Him: don't lie! You've probably hidden it.
Me: why would I hide it? And please don't accuse me of lying!
Him: when did I say you were lying?
Me: you did twice.
Him: no I didn't, you must be hearing things.
Me: no, I'm not.
Him: you've got issues!

He then goes in to the kitchen, makes himself a drink, comes back in to the living room and is back to being 'normal'.

He's usually absolutely fine but this kind of conversation is starting to happen more regularly. Am I the unreasonable one here? He 100% said I was lying twice, so being told that I was hearing things and I have issues is completely uncalled for, surely?!

OP posts:
notacooldad · 07/01/2022 11:30

haha TwoLeftSocks. I liked it
Wherever I lay my hat - that's my home. Paul Young

Duh! Got it. I'm slow off tbe mark today.

mrsrat · 07/01/2022 11:30

Are you not intending to ever live together ???after 3 years it's normal to consider that ? I would run and not look back

LowlandLucky · 07/01/2022 12:00

Get rid of the Boyfriend.

ESGdance · 07/01/2022 12:00

He’s getting contemptuous - are there plans or expectations to move the relationship on a level?

What’s his relationship history?

tulips27 · 07/01/2022 12:02

How awful! It made me annoyed just reading it.

Enough4me · 07/01/2022 12:08

@mrsrat, my partner is only moving in now at 3.5 years, after giving time for me to know him, for my DC, then covid delayed things. However, everything is set for it and if he gaslit me we wouldn't be together now.

Original poster
HP715 · 07/01/2022 12:15

@ESGdance Assuming what he's told me is accurate, he's mid 30s, had 2 'serious' partners, both of them lasted no longer than 2 years and both finished with him.

OP posts:
ESGdance · 07/01/2022 12:21

[quote HP715]@ESGdance Assuming what he's told me is accurate, he's mid 30s, had 2 'serious' partners, both of them lasted no longer than 2 years and both finished with him. [/quote]
Not surprised.

Likely it’s because he was abusive which started with the gas lighting.

Often these types can behave for just enough time to love bomb and future fake … seems he has learnt to hang on a bit harder with you - although you have seen this for sometime.

If you are looking for a partner to have children with don’t waste another minute of your precious fertile years because he’s a wrong ‘un. It will escalate. Pushing boundaries.

If this is not where you are at - move on anyway before he erodes your sanity and self esteem.

ESGdance · 07/01/2022 12:24

[quote HP715]@ESGdance Assuming what he's told me is accurate, he's mid 30s, had 2 'serious' partners, both of them lasted no longer than 2 years and both finished with him. [/quote]
Make it a hat trick!

(See what I did there….)

MzHz · 07/01/2022 13:06

[quote HP715]@ESGdance Assuming what he's told me is accurate, he's mid 30s, had 2 'serious' partners, both of them lasted no longer than 2 years and both finished with him. [/quote]
Well it doesn’t take Sherlock Holmes to work out why he gets dumped after a couple of years…

He’s probably even lying about leaving his hat, it’s just to fuck with your head and see just how much shit he can put you through

He’s got to go. This is getting worse and will keep getting worse! You know this

Original poster
HP715 · 07/01/2022 13:06

@ESGdance Yes I did 🤣

OP posts:
TheCatShatInTheHat · 07/01/2022 13:17

So what are you going to do OP? Any other behaviours going on ?

mrsrat · 07/01/2022 14:14

Enogh4time neither of these 2 have children so your proper and right approach to moving someone in with children isn't applicable here I'm afraid

Nanny0gg · 07/01/2022 15:08

@notacooldad

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles He's not Paul Young is he? The singer? What's he done?
Wherever I've laid my hat...
Nanny0gg · 07/01/2022 15:09

[quote HP715]@ESGdance Assuming what he's told me is accurate, he's mid 30s, had 2 'serious' partners, both of them lasted no longer than 2 years and both finished with him. [/quote]
Other than this issue, given your respective ages and the fact you don't yet live together, where do you see this relationship going? Has there been any discussion about it?

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 07/01/2022 15:09

Well Ltb. It's a year overdue..

ChargingBuck · 07/01/2022 16:12

He's usually absolutely fine but this kind of conversation is starting to happen more regularly.

He is escalating his mindfuckery, & you are just starting to see his odd (abusive) behaviour for what it is - an enormous red flag.

That entire hat conversation was engineered to undermine you by putting you on the back foot. You don't want to be with someone who enjoys undermining you, do you?

Well done for spotting the red flag & posting about it to gain clarity.
You don't live with the twat, so splitting up will be easy.
Tell him to go & look for his hat elsewhere, & not to bother contacting you again.
Seriously - this kind of mind game is the start of a slippery slope with a controlling arsehole. Don't take another minute of his crap - finish it & value yourself, & your own wellbeing.

ChargingBuck · 07/01/2022 16:15

@Enough4me

Gaslighting, I wouldn't be surprised if he's done similar in more subtle ways that you haven't picked up on, potentially with a nicer tone to mask his words, and is now upping his level of control. When you accept this level, he'll likely refer to your issues in losing and forgetting things, as though you both agree you are wrong. He may add in that he just wants to help you, worries about you.

Then you'll doubt yourself, as it seems you are forgetful and have trouble recalling what really happened. Things esclate and get broken and arguments increase, but it was your fault you leave things out and trigger him. After the incidents everything goes back to normal, so it's just you isn't it?

It's not you, it's him!

OP - please read this again, & take every word to heart.

This isn't a behaviour quirk.
It is a deliberate process.

Get out before you become nothing more than his plaything.

sassbott · 07/01/2022 16:52

@Sundancerintherain

He is testing your boundaries to see what you will tolerate.
👆🏽 this. This is how gaslighting starts. Very small/ random/ innocuous ‘blips’. So small that you decide to not make a big deal out of it at the time. And just shrug it off. He then has gotten away with two things A) starting an argument out of absolutely nothing B) denying he said what he said. Which if it works tells him he can do this more and get away with it.

From here? It escalates.

And the way you know it’s deliberate? The complete return to normality.

Geppili · 07/01/2022 17:07

He is irritated that he can't find his hat. He gaslights you because that is a way for him to channel his irritation with himself. He blames you for the loss of his hat. It escalates to him calling you a liar. You are shocked and confused, put on the back foot and left doubting your own sanity. This is a sadist's seemingly polite and non physically violent way of inflicting psychological hurt and damage.

AtrociousCircumstance · 07/01/2022 17:09

Get rid of him.

Honestly how can it be worth it? Gaslighting, accusing, undermining, then expecting everything to go back to normal…

It will erode your trust and self esteem. Plus he just sounds pathetic. How can you have any respect for him? Dump.

Enough4me · 07/01/2022 18:28

@Geppili I expect his hat is in is house where he left it, this wasn't about the hat. This is about him creating boundaries around the OP.

FlowerFlour · 07/01/2022 18:36

If the hat exists and you find it, please cut it to absolute ribbons before you give it back to him.

catfunk · 07/01/2022 18:44

I would calmly pull him up on it and repeat back what he says to you so he can't wriggle out of it. Every. Single. Time.

"Stop lying"
"To clarify, you just said stop lying - you are accusing me of lying?"
"No I'm not"
"Yes, You just very clearly said stop lying. I'd like
you to leave now. I won't be spoken to like that in my own home"

Be firm and repeat repeat repeat with conviction every time.

Otherwise just ditch him, he doesn't even sound worth the effort.

Original poster
HP715 · 07/01/2022 18:46

@FlowerFlour Funnily enough I found the hat earlier, under the other sofa (the one he didn't look under). Have I told him it's here? No. Am I going to tell him? Also no.

OP posts: