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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this he's doing?

149 replies

HP715 · 07/01/2022 09:05

My DP was over last night and one conversation went like this

Him: have you seen my hat, I left it here the other day?
Me: no sorry I've not seen it.
Him: you must have, I left it here.
Me: I haven't, maybe check under the sofa?
Him: oh you should have said it was under there (checks under sofa). It's not there?
Me: sorry I don't know then.
Him: don't lie, you must have seen it?
Me: I really haven't!
Him: don't lie! You've probably hidden it.
Me: why would I hide it? And please don't accuse me of lying!
Him: when did I say you were lying?
Me: you did twice.
Him: no I didn't, you must be hearing things.
Me: no, I'm not.
Him: you've got issues!

He then goes in to the kitchen, makes himself a drink, comes back in to the living room and is back to being 'normal'.

He's usually absolutely fine but this kind of conversation is starting to happen more regularly. Am I the unreasonable one here? He 100% said I was lying twice, so being told that I was hearing things and I have issues is completely uncalled for, surely?!

OP posts:
Milomonster · 07/01/2022 09:49

It’s good you posted and have picked up on it. I agree with having some distance and take time to reflect on this. Time apart and silence may alert you to other things he’s said or emerging/established patterns of behaviour.

Original poster
HP715 · 07/01/2022 09:54

@Craftycorvid No issues with drink, drugs or mental health. He's in his mid 30s. He has done this for a while, it just seems to be getting worse (or I'm now noticing it more).

OP posts:
Ownerofkids · 07/01/2022 09:57

My oh always forgets where he leaves his keys/ hat
Every morning as he’s leaving its a mad rush to find them, i put it down to his adhd
He has sometimes said where have you hid it, or why do you always hide my stuff.
Its absolutely stressful
Ive told him to put his stuff in the same place ie on the fireplace so he always knows where it is and it can’t go missing
I never have an issue finding my keys and i have better things to do than go around hiding his stuff
It’s annoying- is this gaslighting though?????

DayzeeDaresYou · 07/01/2022 09:59

This isn’t going to change so it’s a case of you get used to it or dump him.

Gettingonwithit12 · 07/01/2022 10:01

Oh god I used to get this. If he couldn’t find something he would say ‘well SOMEBODY has moved/hidden/stolen it’. Well only 2 people lived there, so obviously he meant me! But if I tried to stick up for myself he would say I was crazy, as he hadn’t ‘accused me of anything’. It sounds ridiculous now, but it was just the start- by the end of the relationship I was questioning my perception of everything and felt I was going mad. It’s fantastic that you’ve recognised this behaviour OP, so you can be on your guard. Don’t put up with it like I did.

Gooddog · 07/01/2022 10:01

OP - if there's any chance of him changing you need to firmly call it and do something like ask him to leave etc if he does it again. Be assertive and don't cave.

He is unlikely to change though in any case so please make sure you don't get pregnant. Don't let him damage your mental health.

KurtWilde · 07/01/2022 10:02

@Ownerofkids does he accuse you of lying when you say you don't know where they are and you haven't hidden them?

I have adhd but I don't go round accusing people of hiding my stuff if I can't find it.

Enough4me · 07/01/2022 10:09

@KurtWilde, really good point. My 12 year old DS has ADD and gets frustrated with himself rather than blame others when he forgets and loses things, he has started to use his phone to photo things he needs and to take responsibility for his things.

Telling another person they have done things they haven't cannot be disregarded because the person has differences in attention, memory etc. This isn't anything you are doing wrong OP.

CousinKrispy · 07/01/2022 10:11

Dump him.

EmmaH2022 · 07/01/2022 10:15

[quote HP715]@Craftycorvid No issues with drink, drugs or mental health. He's in his mid 30s. He has done this for a while, it just seems to be getting worse (or I'm now noticing it more). [/quote]
End the relationship.

Ownerofkids · 07/01/2022 10:19

@KurtWilde im not sure but he has said your mums hid my stuff kids or your mum hides things…

Sorry to jump on your post op - if its only been 3 years & no dc then maybe re think the relationship

KurtWilde · 07/01/2022 10:20

He has done this for a while, it just seems to be getting worse (or I'm now noticing it more)

That's pretty clear cut to me. I think if you could say it only happens occasionally then maybe you could pull him up on it and nip it isn't the bud. But to say he's done it for a while and it's getting worse, says to me he's become comfortable in his shoddy treatment and gaslighting, and (in my experience) it'll only get worse.

Mumof3confused · 07/01/2022 10:22

My husband does this but the other way round.

Me: have you seen my paperwork I left it on that table
Him: I haven’t touched it.
Me: but it was there, I remember leaving it there
…and so on.

Turns out he has moved it. And usually to a place that does not make sense so I wouldn’t think to look there, and I definitely would not put it there. Usually when this happens it’s when he decides to ‘tidy’ which is just another word for ‘hiding things where nobody will think to look for them’.

I don’t know if I am going crazy or what. I don’t even think he does it on purpose. Of course when I complain I get the ‘you always complain, I can’t do anything right, all I did was tidy the house’ type response.

I have no advice but I know how you feel. It’s exhausting and infuriating.

TheFoundation · 07/01/2022 10:23

It makes more sense to look at how you feel when he does this, rather than what the behaviour is called.

How does it feel?

GreyPaw · 07/01/2022 10:23

OP the example you've given is very similar to the types of examples Pat Evans used in her book "Verbal Abuse". It might be worth a read.

yellowsmileyface · 07/01/2022 10:35

@HP715

We've been together nearly 3 years. This kind of conversation seems to be happening a bit more regularly. I was sat there last night thinking you literally just accused me of lying and now you're saying I'm hearing things, why do that, what is the point?!
The point is to take control over you.

Don't waste time and energy trying to rationalize his behaviour, it will only make you feel more crazy and confused. His behaviour is completely irrational.

These kinds of situations will keep happening more and more, getting progressively worse and more scary.

You need to leave him. It will only get harder to leave as time goes on and there's honestly no chance of things getting better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/01/2022 10:35

HP715

Its not you, its him. He needs to be your ex bf as of now.

Such men do not change and this is deliberate from him. He is actively trying to make you question your own perception of reality and make you doubt your own self ; such pyschological abuse like this is truly insidious in its onset. As for him being absolutely fine most of the time, that is he showing you the nice part of the nice/nasty cycle of abuse which is also a continuous one.

FrancescaContini · 07/01/2022 10:36

Jesus, he’s gaslighting you. He’s really nasty.

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 07/01/2022 10:59

He's not Paul Young is he?

notacooldad · 07/01/2022 11:19

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles
He's not Paul Young is he?
The singer? What's he done?

SunshineCake1 · 07/01/2022 11:22

He's seeing what he can get away with. You've become his entertainment to see how much he can push and control you.

SunshineCake1 · 07/01/2022 11:22

@notacooldad

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles He's not Paul Young is he? The singer? What's he done?
Trying to be funny I suspect.
notacooldad · 07/01/2022 11:24

Trying to be funny I suspect
I'm sorry if I've missed the mark.
I honestly dont know.
I'm not trying to be funny at all.

OrinTakesFlight · 07/01/2022 11:28

Grin haha TwoLeftSocks. I liked it.
Wherever I lay my hat - that's my home. Paul Young.

SunshineCake1 · 07/01/2022 11:28

@notacooldad

Trying to be funny I suspect I'm sorry if I've missed the mark. I honestly dont know. I'm not trying to be funny at all.
Not you, nota cooldad.