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Original poster

What is this he's doing?

149 replies

HP715 · 07/01/2022 09:05

My DP was over last night and one conversation went like this

Him: have you seen my hat, I left it here the other day?
Me: no sorry I've not seen it.
Him: you must have, I left it here.
Me: I haven't, maybe check under the sofa?
Him: oh you should have said it was under there (checks under sofa). It's not there?
Me: sorry I don't know then.
Him: don't lie, you must have seen it?
Me: I really haven't!
Him: don't lie! You've probably hidden it.
Me: why would I hide it? And please don't accuse me of lying!
Him: when did I say you were lying?
Me: you did twice.
Him: no I didn't, you must be hearing things.
Me: no, I'm not.
Him: you've got issues!

He then goes in to the kitchen, makes himself a drink, comes back in to the living room and is back to being 'normal'.

He's usually absolutely fine but this kind of conversation is starting to happen more regularly. Am I the unreasonable one here? He 100% said I was lying twice, so being told that I was hearing things and I have issues is completely uncalled for, surely?!

OP posts:
FlowerFlour · 07/01/2022 18:48

[quote HP715]@FlowerFlour Funnily enough I found the hat earlier, under the other sofa (the one he didn't look under). Have I told him it's here? No. Am I going to tell him? Also no. [/quote]
Good! Grin He doesn't deserve a hat. His stupid head can freeze.

MrsGhastlyCrumb · 07/01/2022 18:54

He is a shit.

And, in other news- I cannot be the only person who thought of the classic book..??

What is this he's doing?
What is this he's doing?
What is this he's doing?
Shortpoet · 07/01/2022 18:58

How on earth would a hat get under the sofa in the first place.

I mean I’m known for putting the remote control in the fridge, and my purse in the microwave, but I wouldn’t look under a sofa for a hat!

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 07/01/2022 18:58

Send him a picture of you wearing it while sticking two fingers up. Then dump and block.

Original poster
HP715 · 07/01/2022 19:11

@MrsGhastlyCrumb Actually love that!

OP posts:
JosephineDeBeauharnais · 07/01/2022 19:27

@ToastCrumbsOnAPlate

Send him a picture of you wearing it while sticking two fingers up. Then dump and block.
This! Do it!
Mimilamore · 07/01/2022 19:35

Red flag.... he will get worse, try and get support x

TheresAStarmanWaitingInTheSky · 07/01/2022 19:48

@ToastCrumbsOnAPlate

Send him a picture of you wearing it while sticking two fingers up. Then dump and block.
Lol definitely! Maybe he deliberately hid the hat there?
irene9 · 07/01/2022 19:53

Well, he's assumes that other people are hostile and unhelpful to him, and that he is always on the receiving end of other people's bad behaviour.
While he himself remains blameless.

He can't take responsibility for losing the hat, or face the fact that he left it behind. So someone else must be responsible.
As his preferred stance is 'victim', he'll keep trying to cast you in the role of perpetrator who has 'done' something to him.

He has to ascribe his bad stuff to someone else.
His 'failure' to see the hat under the sofa then must necessarily imply that if it's not there you are lying because he was 'right' to think it might be there when you suggested it.
Then when the hat wasn't there....well his thought couldn't be wrong. Ergo - you lied to him.

You'll notice this, he has to be right so even in harmless situations.
It's not great really. It's very controlling.
And he probably rants a lot. His relationships, including work and family are probably troubled where everyone else is wrong and he is 'right' and has 'to do everything' because no one else cares or is good enough.
It's pretty immature.
Do you feel you two are equal, or do you feel you are more the adult one?

dapsnotplimsolls · 07/01/2022 20:02

Hide it in your bag next time you go round to his. Put it under his sofa. Dump him.

Original poster
HP715 · 07/01/2022 20:05

@irene9 As his preferred stance is 'victim', he'll keep trying to cast you in the role of perpetrator who has 'done' something to him.

It's interesting you say that because that's exactly how it feels. He's told me on a few occasions that I 'stress him out' but failed to give me a single example of why.

No I wouldn't say I feel like we are equal. Sometimes it feels like I'm his mum!

OP posts:
inheritancetrack · 07/01/2022 20:17

LTB. Gaslighting you. It gets worse.

ProudThrilledHappy · 07/01/2022 20:22

If you stress him out so much he obviously wont be so upset when you fuck him off to the bastard pile then will he? Also agree you should put the hat somewhere ridiculous, like on a shrub outside his house

MadMadMadamMim · 07/01/2022 20:23

I wouldn't waste any more time on him. Dump and move on. He's obnoxious - and it's easy to see why his last couple of girlfriends ended it.

FangsForTheMemory · 07/01/2022 21:32

And you're with him why, exactly?

rocky1914 · 07/01/2022 21:36

Seriously please just leave him. He sounds like a POS. You deserve better. Get rid of him. ASAP.

SpeedRunParent · 08/01/2022 14:58

I think the message is clear; LTB. Gaslighting is a huge red flag. Move on, find yourself a decent one.

Enough4me · 08/01/2022 15:05

If you feel like his mum, he is likely casting you as the controller role and himself as the victim. It handily lines him up to use an affair or bad behaviour to cover the rescuer role (see: drama triangle). It puts you in the position of always being wrong, and him in the position of poor victim.

A key technique the perpetrator uses is DARVO, deny, attack, reverse victim and offender. It means when you challenge him for his controlling behaviour he denies it, attacks your behaviour and explains that you are the person who is controlling. My exH narcissist would point-blank contradict facts to mess with my head, and I will never understand why he was so manipulative. It unfortunately took me years and him having an affair before I ended things and understood more through counselling.

He's old enough to have behavioural patterns, which he's shown you, so why will he change?

Original poster
HP715 · 08/01/2022 17:57

@Enough4me I'd never heard of DARVO but I've just read up about it and it's scarily similar to have some of our conversations go!

OP posts:
Original poster
HP715 · 08/01/2022 17:57

*to how some

OP posts:
Suzanne999 · 08/01/2022 18:07

Get rid. This will only get worse. Gaslighting seems to become habitual and they enjoy the dreadful effects it had.

Original poster
HP715 · 08/01/2022 19:12

Well, bit of an update for you! I've not seen him since the other night but he came over this evening. Could tell he was grumpy but didn't say anything. Long story short, he ends up getting some wet food on his hand which he then wipes under the sofa cushion. I asked him why has he wiped it down there, he said well I can see there was something else there anyway, I hand him a cloth and ask him to wipe it off. He stands up, tells me that 'he's f**king had enough of me' and not to text him again. Then he stomped off home.

So looks like he's beaten me to it!

OP posts:
Ownerofkids · 08/01/2022 19:21

Omg thank god your rid of that man child!
xx

fedup078 · 08/01/2022 19:26

@HP715
Excellent
Now block him

WiserMe · 08/01/2022 19:36

Looking to provoke you?
Then blame you for your reaction?

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