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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What is this he's doing?

149 replies

HP715 · 07/01/2022 09:05

My DP was over last night and one conversation went like this

Him: have you seen my hat, I left it here the other day?
Me: no sorry I've not seen it.
Him: you must have, I left it here.
Me: I haven't, maybe check under the sofa?
Him: oh you should have said it was under there (checks under sofa). It's not there?
Me: sorry I don't know then.
Him: don't lie, you must have seen it?
Me: I really haven't!
Him: don't lie! You've probably hidden it.
Me: why would I hide it? And please don't accuse me of lying!
Him: when did I say you were lying?
Me: you did twice.
Him: no I didn't, you must be hearing things.
Me: no, I'm not.
Him: you've got issues!

He then goes in to the kitchen, makes himself a drink, comes back in to the living room and is back to being 'normal'.

He's usually absolutely fine but this kind of conversation is starting to happen more regularly. Am I the unreasonable one here? He 100% said I was lying twice, so being told that I was hearing things and I have issues is completely uncalled for, surely?!

OP posts:

billy1966 · 09/01/2022 19:21

Why have you accepted such awful behaviour?

If you are not careful and cop on you are ripe for an abusive relationship.

Start raising your standards, which are very low before you go out anyone again.

Enough4me · 09/01/2022 20:06

@billy1966, in fairness to the OP she has been taking everything in and reflecting. Once you start to see manipulative behaviour you know you've been played, but at the time it can be human nature to think it's just you, or it's a bad day, a small misunderstanding etc. Manipulators are great at creating doubt and covering their lies.

Bluebluemoon · 09/01/2022 20:12

Before the update I was going to say it sounds like he's lost respect for you and is trying to get you to dump him. Men like this don't want to be the bad guy so will often just be utter pricks until you've had enough.

He sounds horrible - you are well rid.

dapsnotplimsolls · 09/01/2022 20:13

Change the locks.

Take his stuff to his house and dump it outside.

Apart from the hat.

Original poster

HP715 · 09/01/2022 20:18

I have actually today collected up any bits he had left at my house and they're now in a bag in the boot of my car. Still debating whether to include the hat!

OP posts:

Original poster

HP715 · 09/01/2022 20:20

@Enough4me Yes I was thinking of asking my friend to put the bag of stuff on his doorstep. She might get the key too, if he answered the door to her!

OP posts:

Bluebluemoon · 09/01/2022 20:25

Personally I'd change the locks - he might've had a key cut.

I reckon he knew full well where the hat was - he hid it to give himself another excuse to have a go at you.
Chuck it in the bin - hopefully it was his favourite and now he'll never get it back. (And I wouldn't put it past him to try and let himself in to retrieve it from where he put it when you're at work).

Santaisstilleatingmincepies · 09/01/2022 20:46

Have a Hat Burning Ceremony in your garden..
It will be very therapeutic imo.
Maybe a little guy that looks like him on top?

ListeningButNotHearing · 09/01/2022 20:55

Wipe up some wet food with it and chuck it in the bag with the rest of his belongings.

Joking - don't lower yourself to his standards.

ProudThrilledHappy · 09/01/2022 21:35

If you are feeling particularly petty, change your Whatsapp picture to a photo of you in the hat. When he asks for it back, deny it is his hat. If he accuses you of lying say you are sick of him making things up and taking a funny tone with you, then block.

Original poster

HP715 · 09/01/2022 21:42

I'm loving everyone's suggestions with what to do with the hat 🤣

OP posts:

FlowerFlour · 09/01/2022 22:10

@ProudThrilledHappy

This is gold.

GentlemanJayFab · 09/01/2022 22:14

My son does this with me. I've only ever been able to prove it once.

He swore blind over and over he gave me my birthday card.

It turned up in the back of his car. Lol.

GentlemanJayFab · 09/01/2022 22:17

My ex mother in law also did this. It was always someone else who moved things or even been into her house to steal things. She always found them.

Low level mental health issues explains it.

Sideswiped · 09/01/2022 22:53

Maybe controversial, but I'd almost be tempted to wipe my arse in his hat and then include it in his bundle to go to him...

Raychelle · 09/01/2022 22:58

When your friend takes his stuff over and gets the key back, give her the hat to wear ;)

NoCureForLove · 09/01/2022 23:02

Set up a fake Insta account for the hat and follow him. Post pictures of the hat in unlikely locations. For years...

DDMAC · 09/01/2022 23:16

Love all the hat suggestions!

My first thought when I read your initial post was that he’s looking for an excuse to break up with you. Sounds like you’re well rid anyway!

Livandme · 09/01/2022 23:22

@Raychelle

When your friend takes his stuff over and gets the key back, give her the hat to wear ;)

This, particularly if your friend is 6'4" rugby player who takes no crap.

2Gen · 10/01/2022 14:15

@KurtWilde

He has done this for a while, it just seems to be getting worse (or I'm now noticing it more)

That's pretty clear cut to me. I think if you could say it only happens occasionally then maybe you could pull him up on it and nip it isn't the bud. But to say he's done it for a while and it's getting worse, says to me he's become comfortable in his shoddy treatment and gaslighting, and (in my experience) it'll only get worse.

I agree with this. You've noticed this is escalating and so I feel I should warn you, it is only going to get worse. It's obvious to me when he accused you of lying twice, then denied he had accused you, that he's gaslighting you and that is abuse OP. You don't live together so I'd advise you to just get rid of him and by text or massage as you shouldn't see him again. He will only try to twist everything you say if you try to finish with him face to face and TBH, he doesn't even deserve that level of respect nor consideration. Dump, delete and block! You need to put your wellbeing and mental health first. All the best!

PearlD · 10/01/2022 14:23

You're not the unreasonable one, it is uncalled for, and there's nothing you can do to fix it. Give thanks that you don't live together, and make him your ex boyfriend as soon as possible. It's fucking with your head, gaslighting, whatever you want to call it, either way, the reason doesn't matter and it's the thin end of a very miserable and soul destroying wedge of you hang around to find out what happens. Let him find someone else's mind to play with. This is not what love looks like.

2Gen · 10/01/2022 14:31

@HP715

Well, bit of an update for you! I've not seen him since the other night but he came over this evening. Could tell he was grumpy but didn't say anything. Long story short, he ends up getting some wet food on his hand which he then wipes under the sofa cushion. I asked him why has he wiped it down there, he said well I can see there was something else there anyway, I hand him a cloth and ask him to wipe it off. He stands up, tells me that 'he's f**king had enough of me' and not to text him again. Then he stomped off home.

So looks like he's beaten me to it!

I hadn't seen this before I posted above, sorry OP. I reckon he's playing a game though! I suspect he expects you to chase after him and grovel now; he wants to make you feel insecure so he can control you, the pathetic little tosser. It does seem like he has overplayed his hand though because you are not going to chase him and are actually relieved he's bogged off, lol? Anyway, be warned he might come slithering back, trying to get you to play the "let's pretend nothing ever happened" game like he did after accusing you of hiding his bleedin' hat, or some other bs, but I'm sure you won't fall for it. It would be a good idea to get a mate to take his stuff round his house and either get your key back or change your locks. Then delete and block him and enjoy being able to breathe again! He's certainly no loss OP!

EnterFunnyNameHere · 10/01/2022 15:14

@ProudThrilledHappy

YES

PinkiOcelot · 10/01/2022 16:09

@NoCureForLove 🤣🤣. Love it. Definitely set up an Instagram account for The Hat!!

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