Elderly parents hating that we're so middle-aged

[UserBot999]

I know I shouldn't be playing over this comment but a while ago my mother and my aunt were talking about how they couldn't believe their children were middle-aged. One of them, can't even remember which said ''and don't they look it!''. I resent that. I'm very healthy and I walk a lot and I love clothes and fashion and make up. In moderation, as appropriate you know. My brother who is nearly 50 (I'm 51) is also very healthy, works out, not at all fat. Doesn't smoke or drink excessively. All our own teeth, not bald or grey haired....

My parents are in their late 70s and seem to love how they've aged and are quite self-congratulatory about how they're still active, still stylish, still in possession of their teeth, still driving, still walking, still talking, still enjoying life.

But one day my mother showed up at my house. I wasn't expecting her. I was in my dressing gown. I was told later that I looked like death warmed up.

I just have this feeling that my age really revolts her even though I'm ok with it myself.

Hmmm. Very often the reason people say unpleasant things is jealousy.

I'm sure you look just fine. There is no reason to say awful things to someone.

Perhaps tell them to keep comments about your personal appearance to themselves in future.

Or just ignore them entirely.

But if it gets on your nerves then say something.

I really relate to this!!

I remember going to the pub with my father. I was 46, he was 76.

I ordered a glass of wine. He ordered a beer.

He said to me, look at you a middle aged woman drinking in the day.

That generation can be very harsh I've found. I'm sure it's some sort of reaction to the very high (societal?) expectations being pushed on them and resentment that we don't feel the need to rise to that any more.

God my Dad used to do this every birthday. "I can't believe you're 30, I can't believe you're 42, I can't believe you're 55". In the end I got fed up with it, told him I couldn't believe it either and so best for both of us if we didn't mention it. He said that what he really meant was that he couldn't believe he was old enough to have a 30, 42, 55 etc year old daughter. Which made me feel so much better

Because seeing your children ageing hard proof that they are getting older themselves.

I have the opposite with my DM, she hates me referring to myself as middle-aged, because "if you're middle-aged wtf does that make me?"

Er, not middle-aged, mum, seeing as you're 66 and unlikely to live to 132...😆

Oh yes, every birthday! I cannot believe I'm the mother of a 51 year old

She seems able to accept her own age though. It's so strange.

I'm astounded I have children around 30 years old. I don't feel old enough.

Its me who often looks like death warmed up though.

In order to avoid writing an essay I'll just say...
I know the feeling and that's without having had any comments made.

Are you not middle aged? Maybe you should have asked them what they meant (by 'don't they look it') especially if you thought it was an insult.

If you have children you'll find yourself doing something similar one day. It's a reminder about how quickly time passes for all of us.

by the way, I don't think I look years younger than I do. I don't, but I look healthy and attractive and I dress in a flattering way I hope. It's the expectation that I somehow defy ageing that is bothering me I think.

@EmmaH2022

In order to avoid writing an essay I'll just say... I know the feeling and that's without having had any comments made.

Succinct! You sound at peace with what I'm still rolling around in my head. I'll get to where you are!

@campion oh I know I'm middle-aged. It's just that sense that it's slightly revolting to my parents.........

There is a double standard here, they are delighted with themselves for having stayed healthy, active, stylish................ but simultaneously kind of horrified by our ages even though we are all for our ages also healthy, active, stylish etc...

I have DC in their 40s which is UTTERLY RIDICULOUS!!!

They are now getting grey hairs just to make me feel old.

I don’t think it’s about how you and your brother look. You sound very youthful (much more than me and I’m around your age). It’s more that if their children are around 50, it’s bringing it home that they are nearly 80. Maybe they are thinking of their own mortality, however fit for their age, stylish etc. It sounds like it’s coming out as jealousy or even competition which is so not healthy. It probably stems from worries about the future but there’s no need to say nasty things. If I get to that age, I imagine I would be very pleased and relieved that my grown up children were fit and well and enjoying life. Would you want to distance yourself a bit so you don’t hear it? Or it might be worth leaving or excusing yourself on the phone if they say something of this ilk so they get the message that this stuff isn’t kindly received and won’t be put up with?

I imagine it's scary getting old, trying to hold on to your health and fitness, and it helps to bolster each other up. The younger you look, the more it protects them psychologically. My DM was cool with ageing but treated me like a child her whole life, absolutely couldn't see me as a middle-aged women, and I'm not sure that was any better.

@UserBot999

Oh yes, every birthday! I cannot believe I'm the mother of a 51 year old

She seems able to accept her own age though. It's so strange.

My Mum says this to me every birthday too😀 ... I’m 57 ....I don’t take any offence to the comments though..... think it just reminds her that the years are rolling by ( I’m the eldest child)

Just realising that I'm guilty of exclaiming about how old my friends kids are now they're off to university. Might stop that even tho nothing derogatory meant.
But there's a disgust in your parents message that I'd struggle with too.

My grandparents are in their 90s, all their children in their 70s. I always think that must be so strange, to see your babies grow old.

@BadPlaceJanet

My grandparents are in their 90s, all their children in their 70s. I always think that must be so strange, to see your babies grow old.

I agree....my Mum has 3 GGDs now ( she’s early 80s) ..every time she sees them she says to my DD that she can’t believe she is how old she is ..... she says her children grew up fast....her grandchildren faster...and her GGC are growing the fastest of all

Having thought about it more, I think they may be projecting. As in, they are actually revolted about their own ageing but it’s too painful (to the ego) to realise that so they project the revulsion towards your ageing instead. Unfortunately they are telling you about it! It’s completely different to marvel at how grown up or old family members and acquaintances are. Time goes very fast after all.

Yes, right down to the unexpected visit when I was in my dressing gown. Same response.

My parents were the same, it started when I was 30!!

Derogatory remarks about your personal appearance are a red flag coming from anyone, let alone family.

My mum (bless her) was always blunt to the point of cruelty til the day she died at 82. If she thought I looked old/tired/fat she'd tell me. If she didn't like what I was wearing - usually because she thought skinny jeans are not for women over 18! - she'd comment. If she thought I was behaving inappropriately (getting into a new relationship after my divorce! - god forbid I still wanted a sex life after 40!!) it was remarked upon in very blunt terms. Loved her to bits and still miss her every day .....

I think it's just that your parents are a product of their age as we are of ours. Smile and move on.