Elderly parents hating that we're so middle-aged

[UserBot999]

I know I shouldn't be playing over this comment but a while ago my mother and my aunt were talking about how they couldn't believe their children were middle-aged. One of them, can't even remember which said ''and don't they look it!''. I resent that. I'm very healthy and I walk a lot and I love clothes and fashion and make up. In moderation, as appropriate you know. My brother who is nearly 50 (I'm 51) is also very healthy, works out, not at all fat. Doesn't smoke or drink excessively. All our own teeth, not bald or grey haired....

My parents are in their late 70s and seem to love how they've aged and are quite self-congratulatory about how they're still active, still stylish, still in possession of their teeth, still driving, still walking, still talking, still enjoying life.

But one day my mother showed up at my house. I wasn't expecting her. I was in my dressing gown. I was told later that I looked like death warmed up.

I just have this feeling that my age really revolts her even though I'm ok with it myself.

@lottiegarbanzo

I suspect they still see themselves as 'middle aged, or barely older' and you mirror the way they think they look - meaning they must look distinctly older.

I kind of have this the other way around, as I'm sure many of use do; in that I look in the mirror and see someone like my parents, then have to remind myself that they are actually quite old and I am not 32 any more.

This is it exactly!

It was just an observation. It doesn't mean I'm judging them harshly. I think it's ok to have a reaction though!

51 is pushing it to be middle aged, not many live to 102!!
I think thr issue here is you're not accepting your own age.
I'm greying, getting old, I take it in humour and lightly, aging is inevitable unless you die young! Commenting she can't believe how old her kids are is not unusual really. Pretty much everyone I know does whether said child is 6 or 60.
I really couldn't get wound up about this. You are how old you are. You're happy with your health. Don't apply for thr bus pass when thr time comes if you don't want it, live your life!!

@Alonelonelyloner my self-esteem is average I'd say. Better when everything's going well but I'm compassionate to myself when I face rejections or challenges.

I said I was healthy because if I hadn't, I would have been told that they might worry about my healthy, so I was making it clear that I'm not aging ''too fast''.

I didn't have to post this thread, it was just a passing observation, sort of thing I'd say to friends. 90% of what's on mumsnet could have been left unposted I'd say!

@AppleButterfly

51 is pushing it to be middle aged, not many live to 102!! I think thr issue here is you're not accepting your own age. I'm greying, getting old, I take it in humour and lightly, aging is inevitable unless you die young! Commenting she can't believe how old her kids are is not unusual really. Pretty much everyone I know does whether said child is 6 or 60. I really couldn't get wound up about this. You are how old you are. You're happy with your health. Don't apply for thr bus pass when thr time comes if you don't want it, live your life!!

Facepalm

"It was just an observation. It doesn't mean I'm judging them harshly. I think it's ok to have a reaction though!"

Absolutely, I believe you and you can definitely react, you just opened the MN harsh judgey overreaction portal with it 😆

"Why do this generation think it's OK and appropriate to make nasty derogatory remarks? I hear SO many stories like this. On here, and in real life. I also find that it comes mostly from aged 60+ mothers, grandmothers and aunts, and it's almost ALWAYS aimed the younger women/daughters in the family. Very rarely the men/sons. Most of the time the men (sons usually) can do no bloody wrong"

This is also my experience, to an extent, though the comments started when I was late teens and mum was early 50s. My sister got the same comments- thankfully just from mum not aunties. You'd be better without that (cake). That colour doesn't suit you. Would you not have been better to buy that in the next size up? Have you put on weight? That fleece is awful. That top does nothing for you. Etc etc. My brother never got the same comments even when he put on a bit of weight in his 30s. I think the most she ever ventured was that she didn't think his newly acquired beard suited him, and even then I think she just opined this to us, not directly to him. I wish I had known then to reply "that's your internalised misogyny talking" but did start to kick back a bit eventually with a good "How kind of you to say so. You really have the knack of making people feel better about themselves" any time she made a little dig.

Yep @powershowerforanhour Sadly, I think a lot of women have experienced this kind of nasty shit from mothers and grandmothers. Why the fuck they do it I have no idea. It boils my piss. And as I said, it's almost always aimed exclusively at women (daughters.) The men (sons) can do no wrong.

"OMG, what I wouldn’t give to stil have my parents, or even just one of them, even if they teased me about my age."

My parents are both dead. I loved them, miss them and wish they were both still alive. I do not miss my mum's critical comments though and think it is fine to push back when they are still on the green side of the sod, and also to reflect on the digs and "mentally reject" the unkind comments even after they are dead.

It’s ok to look your age or older!!!
You don’t have to justify your looks by saying how fit / well made up/ dressed etc etc
However if you find these comments upsetting -ask her to stop

I've just asked someone on another thread not to refer to “boomers” as though we are a homogenous group.
They replied that the reference is about a certain mindset rather than a whole generation.
I shall assume that the references on this thread are in the same vein rather than just plain old ageism. Again.

@me4real

Whats age got to do with looking like "death warmed up"?, maybe you did look rough, people of all ages look rough at times. I think this might be a case of your own insecurities seeping through

@MissMaple82 Regardless of how the person looks, it's not an ok thing to say.

yes, I agree, I felt that comment was so unnecessary.

I've been told upthread that maybe my self-esteem is the problem, may it's my insecurities, maybe it's my fear of ageing. But the truth is although I'm not completely invincible, I also know that I don't owe it to anybody to look attractive or glamorous! Sometimes I manage it, but it's not what my self-esteem is based on. If I look rough, I wouldn't be berating myself for looking rough.

I wouldn't even say to somebody ''you look tired''.

"Sadly, I think a lot of women have experienced this kind of nasty shit from mothers and grandmothers. Why the fuck they do it I have no idea"

I think it is a real thing that mothers and grandmothers are particularly horrible to their daughters and grand daughters.

Females in particular can be really nasty to each other and the inter generational age inbalance just facilitates an kind of opportunity to bully within the family dynamics.

I also think it stems from the older generation wanting to distance themselves as far as possible from any kind of work within the family probably stemming from them feeling put upon when they were younger so when they get older they revel in the chance to stand back and say "not my job any more, you get on with it daughter/grand daughter, and by the way, the way you are doing it is wrong...."

This is not ageism. This is a phenomenon i have seen time and time again.

It is so interesting to read

TheYearOfSmallThings comment 13.21.
This is so common.
And it reads like the older generation of 60+ 70+ are entirely blind to their own aging - they are forever young. It is only their own children who are getting old. It is almost as if they are saying they will live forever and their children are just a figment of their own imagination who have the audacity to get grey hair!! (whilst having totally missed their own grey hair in the mirror).

And Giggorata tone of "let me just correct this incorrect thinking".
Its no more a sign of ageism as is criticising younger people for lack of resilience/ wokeness / being too materialistic etc is a sign of ageism.

I don't see middle-aged as derogatory, it's just a statement of fact. Lots of people seem to see it as an insult though.

My MIL had a phase of saying "You look tired" quite a lot when I was in my 30s. Well, I had two young children, what do you expect? Plus you know, ageing.

Makes me laugh in adverts for men's grooming products they say "Tiredness". They can't even say "ageing". Obviously men don't age.

And 50s are definitely still middle-aged. It doesn't mean exactly in the middle, it means somewhere in the middle.

Mum was very shaken when i told her I'd started menopause. Knowing your children are middle aged regardless of appearance is the absolute evidence that they are elderly. I think what lies beneath it is fear.

Mind you, I was born middle aged! 🤗 Ive always liked a naice National Trust property with tearoom, a museum to get lost in, old movies and music, vintage fashions.

They are being negative about you, and worse still negative about something you can't change.

Do they ever make positive or kind or nice comments?

You can think, and indeed say, whatever you like, bubblesbubbles11.
There is no correction from me, real or implied.
I believe in free speech, whether I agree with it or not.

And I have observed that ageism is one of the few “isms” that is permitted, and even common on Mumsnet, so I wish to put in my views, that generalising about “ boomers” and yes, other younger generations too, isn't fair on those who don't bully their relatives, who don't put them down, who are resilient, who aren't materialistic, or whatever.

@queenMab99

My mother could never remember how old we were in her later years, and used to ask. When I replied 60 or whatever age I was she would look stunned, and say 'you can't be, well you don't look it!' then her expression would turn to horror as she asked 'well how old am I then?' It always made me laugh.

I had exactly the same conversation with mine. More than once she told me I looked ill without make up (I do - can’t argue) and told me to do my face.

My son will be 47 this year and it feels completely bizarre when I can remember the day he was born so clearly.

My mum is in her early 80s...quite pleased with herself in general (although thoroughly sad and resentful about how her life has turned out) and fixated on people's appearance, particularly that of women.

When I was chatting to someone on OLD last year and musing over whether to suggest we met uo for a coffee she felt it necessary to ask if he'd actually seen a full length photo of me so he wasn't shocked or disappointed when he saw me in person.

Tbf I am considerably overweight but I scrub up okay for a fat bird. It still plays on my mind nearly a year later.

She also constantly remarks on teen daughter's figure. She lost a stone and half last year and started strength training and looks amazing imo but her aim is to be strong, toned and curvy, not a bean pole.

Mum seems baffled by the fact she's 'still big' aka size 12-14 and in near perfect proportion as she's tall. Thankfully she tends to make the comments to me rather than DD.

She's the same with everyone though...celebrities, royals, her friend's cousin's neighbour on FB.

Drives me batshit.

My Dad isn’t rude about my appearance, except my nose, which I inherited from him ( and it’s not that bad).😂

But, he’s recently started saying, “well, you’re nearly 50” when I suggest doing something new or different, and saying that I’m “abit old” in some situations.

I’m 47 and I can do what I bloomin’ well want!

I think in past generations, women believed they had a duty to be slim and attractive. They were their appearance, their social worth and economic status depended upon it, far more than is the case now.

They're projecting their own fear and hatred of getting older on to you. An adult child is a stark reminder that the parent is even older. Everytime they see you not looking in the first flush of youth it underlines that they are at an even more advanced age. They are competing with you to be better at getting older.

I think that you are being a little bit harsh.
Isn't it more that all parents think that their children are young and beautiful but then see you in harsh light and realise that our young children are showing signs of ageing?
Lets be honest you may be an absolutely gorgeous 51 year old, but at the end of the day no one is going to mistake you for a 21 year old.