Elderly parents hating that we're so middle-aged

[UserBot999]

I know I shouldn't be playing over this comment but a while ago my mother and my aunt were talking about how they couldn't believe their children were middle-aged. One of them, can't even remember which said ''and don't they look it!''. I resent that. I'm very healthy and I walk a lot and I love clothes and fashion and make up. In moderation, as appropriate you know. My brother who is nearly 50 (I'm 51) is also very healthy, works out, not at all fat. Doesn't smoke or drink excessively. All our own teeth, not bald or grey haired....

My parents are in their late 70s and seem to love how they've aged and are quite self-congratulatory about how they're still active, still stylish, still in possession of their teeth, still driving, still walking, still talking, still enjoying life.

But one day my mother showed up at my house. I wasn't expecting her. I was in my dressing gown. I was told later that I looked like death warmed up.

I just have this feeling that my age really revolts her even though I'm ok with it myself.

@UserBot999

I know I shouldn't be playing over this comment but a while ago my mother and my aunt were talking about how they couldn't believe their children were middle-aged. One of them, can't even remember which said ''and don't they look it!''. I resent that. I'm very healthy and I walk a lot and I love clothes and fashion and make up. In moderation, as appropriate you know. My brother who is nearly 50 (I'm 51) is also very healthy, works out, not at all fat. Doesn't smoke or drink excessively. All our own teeth, not bald or grey haired....

My parents are in their late 70s and seem to love how they've aged and are quite self-congratulatory about how they're still active, still stylish, still in possession of their teeth, still driving, still walking, still talking, still enjoying life.

But one day my mother showed up at my house. I wasn't expecting her. I was in my dressing gown. I was told later that I looked like death warmed up.

I just have this feeling that my age really revolts her even though I'm ok with it myself.

1. You are middle-aged.
2. Having your own teeth is not a sign of age.
3. Being bald is not a sign of age.

If I were your parents, I'd be congratulating myself only capacities and health.

You say you are OK with yourself yet can't get past a comment.
Your thread title says says your parents hate your being middle-aged, yet nothing you have said shows this.

You are your own problem.

My next door neighbours are in their 70s and very youthful and fit. They often joke they are going to start lying about their kids’ (in their 40s) ages.

I get this a bit from my older brother (17 year gap). He got quite agitated when I mentioned plans for my upcoming 40th. And he generally seems a bit disgusted by older women.

I think struggling with the dissonance of time passing is pretty normal. I vividly remember holding my first born - it’s like an imprint on my skin and when I think of it I can smell him and hear the sounds of the ward outside the curtain. It feels like moments ago and somehow I’ve blinked and he’s in secondary school.
I forget how old I am and have to count up, and there’s a complete mismatch between my interior sense of myself and the value I hold in society as an invisible middle aged woman.

The disgust you’re picking up on is where it departs from the norm. And that’s about them, and their self esteem, and absolutely nothing to do with you.

I find that my mum somehow thinks I’ve got above myself by having the utterly normal trappings of a middle-aged lifestyle. She hated my ‘big house’ which ‘was only suitable for someone with full time staff,’ when in reality she had raised me in a similar house which was only one of her two homes. And I remember being baffled when she told me it was pretentious for people ‘my age’ to show an interest in wine.

@PicaK

Just realising that I'm guilty of exclaiming about how old my friends kids are now they're off to university. Might stop that even tho nothing derogatory meant. But there's a disgust in your parents message that I'd struggle with too.

Yes, I never minded it when it was ''leaving home!'' or ''having a baby'' or whatever.

There is a palpable dislike of my being middle-aged though. It's like I am walking around with a turd under my shoe.

My mum had a harder time with me turning 40 than I did. And she was horrified when I stopped colouring my hair.

It was evidence of her ageing, that’s what bothered her. I expect your parents are the same. “I feel fit and active and youthful but my children are in their fifties so actually I’m old”

@echt wow, I think I must have touched a nerve.

I'm ok thank you, I just thought it was an interesting phenomenon at this stage of life that others might relate to. It seems they can.

By the way, if you think a poster is not ok, which you've indicated in your post, do you think doing the face is going to guide them towards being more ok!?

@YesILikeItToo

I find that my mum somehow thinks I’ve got above myself by having the utterly normal trappings of a middle-aged lifestyle. She hated my ‘big house’ which ‘was only suitable for someone with full time staff,’ when in reality she had raised me in a similar house which was only one of her two homes. And I remember being baffled when she told me it was pretentious for people ‘my age’ to show an interest in wine.

I know what you mean. I don't have a big house but my mum hates that I'm braver than her and would go places on my own. Sometimes I say ''I'm going to xxxxxxx'' and she replies ''but you'll be on your own'' and she is so baffled.

Not all of us get to move away from the old parent/child dynamic. Some parents don't want it to be a relationship of equals.

I remember a friend discussing menopause with gp and he referred to middle aged women problems. She said she almost looked around the room to see who he was referring to and realised it was her😂 we don’t necessarily feel too different as we age and it’s a unavoidable reality check when we realise our kids are middle aged… lord knows I feel old with a 15 yo dd!

I can't believe I'm the mother of an 8 year old. I imagine I'll continue to find it disturbing when they are 18, 21, 30, 40 etc. Hopefully anyway, better than the alternative.

@BerthaBlythe yes they do have very low self-esteems, both of them. There has been a lot of emotional labour that's all been mine because they rely instead on defensiveness and denial and repression. I know they can't change now.

I am going a bit deep now but I do wonder if my mother every wonders wtf have I done with my life? Even though my Dad is really co-dependent at least he's had his sports and his job.

"I'll always be 25 years younger than you, though, Mum/Dad."

Smile sweetly. Job done.

@StillWalking

My mum (bless her) was always blunt to the point of cruelty til the day she died at 82. If she thought I looked old/tired/fat she'd tell me. If she didn't like what I was wearing - usually because she thought skinny jeans are not for women over 18! - she'd comment. If she thought I was behaving inappropriately (getting into a new relationship after my divorce! - god forbid I still wanted a sex life after 40!!) it was remarked upon in very blunt terms. Loved her to bits and still miss her every day .....

I think it's just that your parents are a product of their age as we are of ours. Smile and move on.

Oh absolutely! My Mum feels OBLIGED to tell me!

When I moved in to my new house after I got back on my feet after leaving my x my Mum kept suggesting to me that a single bed was more appropriate. I was 43. I was not going to go back to sleeping in a single bed but she brought it up about five times! Telling me how silly it was!

I obviously couldn't say well maybe i want to roll around with a man one day!

@babouchette

"I'll always be 25 years younger than you, though, Mum/Dad."

Smile sweetly. Job done.

Mum did say ''the gap seems to be narrowing!''.

And yet it's still 25 years!

@twilightcafe

Because seeing your children ageing hard proof that they are getting older themselves.

^ this But I couldn’t give it much headspace to be honest.

My parents are in their late 70s and seem to love how they've aged and are quite self-congratulatory about how they're still active, still stylish, still in possession of their teeth, still driving, still walking, still talking, still enjoying life
Join in. "Yes, it's amazing at your age! I hope I'm still driving when I'm as old as you! Isn't it GREAT that you still take an interest in fashion? I think it's MARVELLOUS. Good for you!"

Whats age got to do with looking like "death warmed up"?, maybe you did look rough, people of all ages look rough at times. I think this might be a case of your own insecurities seeping through and your becoming aware of your creeping age

When I moved in to my new house after I got back on my feet after leaving my x my Mum kept suggesting to me that a single bed was more appropriate
When I told my mum I had a new bf she gushed about how nice it was to have a friend, someone to talk to. This gave me a momentary flashback to standing-up sex in his kitchen. But I agreed with her in a totally serious voice.

They say it because it makes them feel better about themselves,

I was told later that I looked like death warmed up.

This isn't ok @UserBot999 .

Whats age got to do with looking like "death warmed up"?, maybe you did look rough, people of all ages look rough at times. I think this might be a case of your own insecurities seeping through

@MissMaple82 Regardless of how the person looks, it's not an ok thing to say.

I think it's the generation that they are. My grandmother (born around 1915) was of the generation that dressed 'old' from middle age. Hers was the generation that had the concept of 'mutton dressed as lamb' as an insult for people who behaved/dressed younger than they were.

My Mum (now 80) is of the generation that values youthfulness very highly, as a generation they were a bit sneery about their parents allowing themselves to be old before their time. She was absolutely horrified when I stopped dying my hair in my forties and went grey, possibly in part because a grey-haired daughter made her look older.

My wonderful aunt-in-law was talking about this the other day - she is turning 80 next year and that doesn't bother her, but what does bother her is being the mother of a 50 year old, she says that's what makes her feel old, not her own advancing years. Although this was all said very good-naturedly.

This has made me laugh .My mum thinks I'm still a child at 56 .She was utterly disgusted at me a few weeks go when i was at home in Ireland and met a school friend at the pub on a Friday afternoon.(ladies dont do they sort of thing in her mind)She was sending me messages on What's App telling me that she would come and pick me up just to get me out of the pub .I ignored her messages and she was livid.

Can relate - although mine is always weight related. The last comment was, "you used to have such nice legs - what happened?", thanks mum, I've got nerve damage, scars and a load of metal in one of them so they're hardly gonna be model-like!