Elderly parents hating that we're so middle-aged

[UserBot999]

I know I shouldn't be playing over this comment but a while ago my mother and my aunt were talking about how they couldn't believe their children were middle-aged. One of them, can't even remember which said ''and don't they look it!''. I resent that. I'm very healthy and I walk a lot and I love clothes and fashion and make up. In moderation, as appropriate you know. My brother who is nearly 50 (I'm 51) is also very healthy, works out, not at all fat. Doesn't smoke or drink excessively. All our own teeth, not bald or grey haired....

My parents are in their late 70s and seem to love how they've aged and are quite self-congratulatory about how they're still active, still stylish, still in possession of their teeth, still driving, still walking, still talking, still enjoying life.

But one day my mother showed up at my house. I wasn't expecting her. I was in my dressing gown. I was told later that I looked like death warmed up.

I just have this feeling that my age really revolts her even though I'm ok with it myself.

@Cameleongirl

My Dad isn’t rude about my appearance, except my nose, which I inherited from him ( and it’s not that bad).😂

But, he’s recently started saying, “well, you’re nearly 50” when I suggest doing something new or different, and saying that I’m “abit old” in some situations.

I’m 47 and I can do what I bloomin’ well want!

Oh yes...my mum has been labouring the point that I'm not as young as I used to be and should be slowing down for years already.

I'm 46

I get this vibe from my parents and I’m only in my 40s. Critical glances at my hair , comments on looking old in photos etc.
It’s totally about their denial about getting older - we are a reminder of that to them I guess.

@squashyhat

God my Dad used to do this every birthday. "I can't believe you're 30, I can't believe you're 42, I can't believe you're 55". In the end I got fed up with it, told him I couldn't believe it either and so best for both of us if we didn't mention it. He said that what he really meant was that he couldn't believe he was old enough to have a 30, 42, 55 etc year old daughter. Which made me feel so much better

Actually, I cannot believe that my children are 34! I suppose its because I remember vividly being that age and it shocks me that I'm so old! I will 54, so no THAT old but I still just have to shake myself that I ALL those years have past. I don't tend to say it out loud but still no idea where the years have gone. You will be the same when you look at your babies and see they are turning 30/40/50. Its more of a reflection on the person saying it than who they are saying it to!

Get your own back by calling them The Oldsers when talking to your brother and commenting that their new outfit is a bit old fashioned but fine for someone your age. For Christmas buy them one of those fold up walking sticks and a shawl.

@Sunnysideup999

I get this vibe from my parents and I’m only in my 40s. Critical glances at my hair , comments on looking old in photos etc. It’s totally about their denial about getting older - we are a reminder of that to them I guess.

Totally! I don't comment though!

@bubblesbubbles11

this is going to be unpopular but i think the "elderly parents" are classic baby boomers. They think they do and have always owned the world, in their minds eye they are still running around fashionable places beckoning in the sexual revolution and changing the world (as they saw it). They cannot abide their own children because they are a reminder that they ARE getting old themselves. It is a kind of perpetual narcissism embodied in a generation.

WTAF? People of my generation can't abide their own children?

Agiesm. The only 'ism' still acceptable and almost encouraged.

Cut them a bit of slack! I know your mother’s comment about you in your dressing gown was unkind but it’s hardly a “red flag” are we never allowed to say the wrong thing especially when our own mortality it staring us in the face. My FIL who lived to 94 said inside he still felt 25 but when he looked in the mirror looked at his children who are all in their 50’s and considered his many health problems he realised sadly that what he felt wasn’t the actual reality. It’s hard coming to terms with ageing hence why so many turn to Botox fillers plastic surgery and God knows what else. My DC was 25 last year I stunned at where the time has gone logic tells me that if they are 25 then I’m late 50’s but like my FIL I still feel 25 inside! I said “gosh I can’t believe your 25!!” Not because I’m criticising him or being unkind to him but I just wonder where the time has gone, I remember my own mother at that age, ir sounded old when I was 20 (although like your parents she was very fit and healthy) and I realise this is now me and that I am now well into the second half of my life which is a bit scary.
Like you I am fit healthy very active and wear trendy clothes I’m told I look early 40”s but this doesn’t make getting older which happens to all of us any easier.

Next time they say they can't believe their daughter/niece is so 'middle aged' just agree and say "ooh I know. It's awful isn't it? I can't believe my parents and aunt are so ancient."

That should shut 'em up!

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I think it must be somewhat sad to watch your children's hair turn grey, and see lines of age on their faces, to be honest. I hope I retain my faculties sufficiently not to reveal this sadness to my DS if I live that long, but it will be there.

Some of us will know even though you don't say anything horrible.

Like I said, I could write an essay but I won't.

As this thread seems to have become ....brutally honest? ....I am curious about people who say things like "I still miss mum/dad every day" even if they didn't like them, barely saw them etc. Is it just one of those things people say?

Life's not a competition but oh my word my dm is definitely winning.
Dsis& I are the target for her comments usually about age, weight, fitness & looking tired.
God forbid we dare to say we've done anything as she'll have done 10 times more. We can't win, if we try to ignore her we're jealous, if we compliment her (difficult!) we're being ageist & patronising. She phoned to ask me if dsis was depressed as she'd put "ever such a lot of weight on..." The faux concern was obvious, she just fancied sticking the knife in, she's VERY proud of her "figure" & don't we know it! Competitive undereating is the norm & makes meals a strain tbh.
My personal favourite was her smugly saying she couldn't see the scar from my fairly major neck surgery as it looked the same as my other wrinkles
We're 50s, she's 82 but there's no let up ever & she's always been like this.
I felt your pain OP.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I think it must be somewhat sad to watch your children's hair turn grey, and see lines of age on their faces, to be honest. I hope I retain my faculties sufficiently not to reveal this sadness to my DS if I live that long, but it will be there.

I don't think it will be sad at all. It will be a privilege to still be around for it. My DD is not 21 anymore, so has already passed the magical MN age to be considered 'young and beautiful'. But to me, gets more lovely every day. But then, in my 50s, I'm very positive about aging. I look and feel great, as do countless other older people. Nothing to be sad about.

There are some harsh parents out there, or just very different from mine. I don't think my parents have ever commented on my age in a negative way (in my 40s, now). The most they would ever have said is that it doesn't feel like X number of years, on my birthday, and I'd agree with that.

EmmaH2022, I adored my mum and dad. Both now dead. But in all truth, a decade on, I don't miss them every day, or even think of them everyday. Life is distracting and we get caught up in what we're doing with the people who are here. But, potentially I can miss them on any day. Big events, obviously, and when i have news to share. But also, going to see West Side Story and thinking how much mum loved the original, hearing a funny story my dad would have enjoyed. Its always there that they're not there, and sometimes that's very painful. But mostly, it's just how it is.

DM commented on my long hair recently and said "are you going to be one of those long-haired old crones?" I think it's jealousy

When I told my mum I had a new bf she gushed about how nice it was to have a friend, someone to talk to. This gave me a momentary flashback to standing-up sex in his kitchen. But I agreed with her in a totally serious voice.

This is the funniest thing I've read all day 😂

@ElftonWednesday

I don't see middle-aged as derogatory, it's just a statement of fact. Lots of people seem to see it as an insult though.

My MIL had a phase of saying "You look tired" quite a lot when I was in my 30s. Well, I had two young children, what do you expect? Plus you know, ageing.

@ElftonWednesdayftonwe

I don't see middle-aged as derogatory, it's just a statement of fact. Lots of people seem to see it as an insult though.

No, it's not an insult. I am 47 and heard a new neighbour chatting to her friend on the phone in her front garden last month. She said 'the neighbours I have spoken to so far are very welcoming. The old lady at No 5 (who is 80,) has been very welcoming.' And then she said 'and the middle aged woman opposite me at No 7 (me!) seems nice too.' I had no problem being called middle aged (because I am!)

Try calling someone over 65 ELDERLY on here though. People hit the ROOF! It's so bizarre. 65 is elderly, but some people are extremely offended by it. I think because the word 'elderly' conjures up images (from some) of someone frail and weak. I think the word 'elderly' should be assigned to someone once they reach 70 actually... 65 doesn't quite seem old enough to be classed as 'elderly' somehow. (Although some people will still take offence no doubt!)

My MIL had a phase of saying "You look tired" quite a lot when I was in my 30s. Well, I had two young children, what do you expect? Plus you know, ageing.

Oh that is SOOOOOO annoying when someone says 'you look tired.' It's basically them saying 'you look rough.' Sometimes it means 'you look old.' It's like when someone says 'you look different.' That is NEVER a compliment. It usually translates as 'you look much older, you've gotten fat,' or 'you have aged!'

"My MIL had a phase of saying "You look tired" quite a lot when I was in my 30s. Well, I had two young children, what do you expect? Plus you know, ageing."

I said "You look tired" to my sister who has an 11 week old baby. I meant it 100% as trying to be supportive, tell her I know how she feels, I remember what it is like to have a newborn. If I thought she thought I was trying to tell her she looked shit (she doesnt) I would be utterly mortified. It all depends on the motivation for saying it.

I also hate "you look tired". Especially when I'm not tired and just look rough!

I don't think the word elderly should be assigned to anyone of any age. What's the point of it? If a person's age is relevant just say the number in a factual objective way. If you're talking about a demographic, again, why not say what you mean and say people over 70/80? There really isn't a need to use a subjective term with negative connotations to denote how old someone is. Especially when there is no consensus on who the term refers to.

@bubblesbubbles11

"My MIL had a phase of saying "You look tired" quite a lot when I was in my 30s. Well, I had two young children, what do you expect? Plus you know, ageing."

I said "You look tired" to my sister who has an 11 week old baby. I meant it 100% as trying to be supportive, tell her I know how she feels, I remember what it is like to have a newborn. If I thought she thought I was trying to tell her she looked shit (she doesnt) I would be utterly mortified. It all depends on the motivation for saying it.

@bubblesbubbles11

I'm sure your sister wasn't offended, and she probably DID look tired to be fair, with an 11 week old baby! And you didn't mean anything. I think with me (and clearly some others here,) we have had it said by people, who are not being kind when they say it. It's a dig and away of saying 'you look rough - or old.'

I can't articulate what I am trying to say really, but you can just tell.... when someone means it as a dig...I know you didn't mean anything negative, and your sister probably knows that too.

This one woman I used to know who has moved now, (who I used to see in the pub/the local shop/the neighbourhood,) used to say to me EVERY time I saw her 'hello Sky. You all right, you look a bit worn out (or she'd say pale, or tired, or gaunt, or weary...) EVERY. FUCKING. TIME she saw me. If I was on my own, OR if I was with someone.

Then when I went to the pub with DH, or friends, and we were sitting down, and she was nearby, she'd keep saying 'you OK? You look uncomfortable.' I'd say 'yeah I'm fine ta.' She'd keep staring at me, and if I fidgeted for TWO SECONDS, she'd say (with a head-tilt,) 'you OK?' I'd say 'YES.' She'd pause, then say 'you just don't seem yourself, you look a bit weary.'

I can't put my finger on it (as I said before,) but it seemed like a dig, like criticism, like a way to have a pop at me ... Got right on my tits. She didn't do it to anyone else. It was very personal, and definitely a dig.

@5128gap

I don't think the word elderly should be assigned to anyone of any age. What's the point of it? If a person's age is relevant just say the number in a factual objective way. If you're talking about a demographic, again, why not say what you mean and say people over 70/80? There really isn't a need to use a subjective term with negative connotations to denote how old someone is. Especially when there is no consensus on who the term refers to.

I suppose if someone asks "who is your new neighbour", meaning man, woman, occupation etc, I would say, "an elderly chap, retired".

I don't find the term middle aged offensive but I think it stretches across an odd range. I am 45 and I definitely will not do 90 😱

Well, she didn't do it to anyone else that I knew of, and when we were with loads of others (like in the pub) it was just ME she targeted with the 'you look tired/weary/not yourself' comments.)

@SkyBlueBlues

Well, she didn't do it to anyone else that I knew of, and when we were with loads of others (like in the pub) it was just ME she targeted with the 'you look tired/weary/not yourself' comments.)

Cross post

I had a colleague who did this to me, and only me, in a room of 6.

@inigomontoyahwillcox

Can relate - although mine is always weight related. The last comment was, "you used to have such nice legs - what happened?", thanks mum, I've got nerve damage, scars and a load of metal in one of them so they're hardly gonna be model-like!

That’s really horrible . What a bitch 😢

I definitely made my mum feel old when she found out recently that I no longer had to pay for prescriptions due to my age. That understandably horrified her!