Elderly parents hating that we're so middle-aged

[UserBot999]

I know I shouldn't be playing over this comment but a while ago my mother and my aunt were talking about how they couldn't believe their children were middle-aged. One of them, can't even remember which said ''and don't they look it!''. I resent that. I'm very healthy and I walk a lot and I love clothes and fashion and make up. In moderation, as appropriate you know. My brother who is nearly 50 (I'm 51) is also very healthy, works out, not at all fat. Doesn't smoke or drink excessively. All our own teeth, not bald or grey haired....

My parents are in their late 70s and seem to love how they've aged and are quite self-congratulatory about how they're still active, still stylish, still in possession of their teeth, still driving, still walking, still talking, still enjoying life.

But one day my mother showed up at my house. I wasn't expecting her. I was in my dressing gown. I was told later that I looked like death warmed up.

I just have this feeling that my age really revolts her even though I'm ok with it myself.

My mother could never remember how old we were in her later years, and used to ask. When I replied 60 or whatever age I was she would look stunned, and say 'you can't be, well you don't look it!' then her expression would turn to horror as she asked 'well how old am I then?' It always made me laugh.

I wonder if it's maybe reading slightly too much into things by saying your age disgusts them. I don't know them obviously and maybe they say a lot worse things. What I am picking up from the "and don't they look it" is perhaps more to do with the way some older people like to think (a fantasy normally) that noone really thinks they are the age they are. So the point where their offspring actually start getting some grey hairs or being undeniably middle-aged it's just not possible to continue with that fantasy anymore. You can't pretend other people will consider you to be a bright young thing anymore! So I suspect it's much more about them than you. And just saying that people can tell you are middleaged isn't saying you don't look nice, stylish and all the other things you are listing. It's a bit mean as it doesn't allow us middle-aged people to continue with the fantasy a lot of us cling onto which is that other people are busy thinking we're still twenty-something (the number of people i know who like to claim this to me!). But it isn't actually an active criticism unless you really do think it's insulting to be "middle-aged".

If I were you and these comments are hurtful to you I think maybe you should just say something. I don't think you need to make a snippy comment or a clever clever comment. Just be honest and say it's not that nice to be constantly told you are looking middle-aged - particularly as she isn't doing it in a positive way and could they maybe be a bit nicer and more thoughtful please? Would they like it if you were constantly on about how they are aging? Please cut it out.

I find that my situation is slightly different. I moan on about being ancient and my parents are like "i'd trade you" or "that's no age at all." They talk about being middle-aged as "young". Occasionally I get the "can't believe I have daughter who is whatever age" when a birthday comes up. But actually this is usually backed up by saying but you always look young. And I dont' know if that's because I'll always be young in their eyes or what - but it's quite nice. So perhaps a nicer balance there! In fact maybe it's me who is the insensitive one moaning on about aging when they're quite a long way further down the road!

Also - do you compliment them? I know this sounds silly but I sometimes think a lot of families get into this way of being of slightly "jokey" remarks that can be a bit put-downy and aren't actually compliments. Doesn't mean people do think uncomplimentary things - just would be embarrassed to give compliments. And sometimes just changing up that dynamic can come from anyone willing to make the first move. I might start acting towards them a bit more how I'd like them to be - and maybe really saying some nice things (that I do mean). And see if it made any difference.

On my 60th birthday my Mum said she couldn't believe she had a 60yr old daughter and we both laughed, because it was said without malice and in wonderment that this could have come to pass.

Also I once offered my niece a vodka and tonic in front of my Mum, and my Mum later admitted she was shocked that I would do this until she remembered that her granddaughter was 25 and not thirteen, again it made us laugh. I think we all have the capacity to feel surprise at the passing of time and how the reality often doesn't match with how we feel inside.

However Op, in your case it almost sounds like your mother and aunt think they have aged much better than you and your DB and that your DB and you look middle aged (nothing wrong with that), but that they don't look old enough to have middle aged DC, hence the self congratulation. It could be because that is all they feel they have achieved in their lives or maybe they never expected to get to their ages and still be feeling vibrant and healthy and feel the need to keep congratulating themselves on their good luck whilst at the same time putting you down and in your place.

It's just the things we all say when it hits us how old we are and still breathing and wearing normal knickers not control pants.

My mum would sometimes tell me I was looking a' bit peaky. I'd say: "I don't have make up on, Mum."

She didn't wear drag queen slap - just a bit of foundation and colouring as she called it. Usually mine. She wasn't gloating. She said it because she was my mum and she loved me and worried in case I was overdoing it.

Sounds mean (rather than some of the sweet accounts from other posters).

When she says “I can’t believe you’re age” reply “I know - I cannot believe you’re _!” With an astonished/horrified face.

My DC are in their forties, too. I say this in a tone of wonder and amazement.
More so than when my children had children of their own, which was also pretty weird.

*1. You are middle-aged.

1. Having your own teeth is not a sign of age.
2. Being bald is not a sign of age.

If I were your parents, I'd be congratulating myself only capacities and health.*

All of the above. Your parents are just ridiculously rude. And massively privileged to think that getting to their age with their looks and their teeth is a sign of their superiority and not their lucky genetics that have allowed this. Instead of bitching about their younger their relatives looks maybe they could visit my dad in his care home or my mum with dementia and feel superior to them instead?

It's all about them, and how they perceive themselves in relation to you.

You being middle-aged makes them feel really bloody old.

It's not your problem and it's extremely rude of them to make those comments. I'd be tempted to give it right back to them.

[quote UserBot999]@BerthaBlythe yes they do have very low self-esteems, both of them. There has been a lot of emotional labour that's all been mine because they rely instead on defensiveness and denial and repression. I know they can't change now.

I am going a bit deep now but I do wonder if my mother every wonders wtf have I done with my life? Even though my Dad is really co-dependent at least he's had his sports and his job.[/quote]
Do you think you might have low self esteem, as well, OP? I’m not trying to attack you, but the fact that this bothers you so much is a bit baffling to me.

You sound like a perfectly average middle aged woman. Your parents occasionally can’t believe they have (or are old enough to have) a middle aged child. This all seems pretty standard?

My kids are 4 and 13 so I have a way to go but I can think of nothing better than living long enough to see my kids in their old age

They sounds awesome to be honest and normal imperfect human beings and parents. It bodes well for you that theyve aged so well and they've obviously brought you and your brother up to be health aware as well so good on them for that

@Gilda152

They sounds awesome to be honest and normal imperfect human beings and parents. It bodes well for you that theyve aged so well and they've obviously brought you and your brother up to be health aware as well so good on them for that

WFT? AWESOME? How are they 'awesome?!'

*Do you think you might have low self esteem, as well, OP? I’m not trying to attack you, but the fact that this bothers you so much is a bit baffling to me.

You sound like a perfectly average middle aged woman. Your parents occasionally can’t believe they have (or are old enough to have) a middle aged child. This all seems pretty standard?*

I think @MeSanniesareBrannies is making a good point. You sound absolutely normal. Unless you are walking out the house like some Vogue cover daily you are a modern woman and 50 year old woman nowadays tend to be a lot younger looking and feeling than in the 60s or 70s (for instance). I am quite sure there was no offence intended and if she is so used to you looking done up then of course you probably looked a little rough to her eyes in your dressing gown and no make up.

I am like you healthy, I run marathons, dress well and care about myself. This is normal. You don't need to emphasise it. Maybe you do that for her and it makes her feel bad? Maybe the feeling is mutual?

@Giggorata

My DC are in their forties, too. I say this in a tone of wonder and amazement. More so than when my children had children of their own, which was also pretty weird.

My DGD is now a teen

As a baby boomer of 70 - my DCs are 40 s but to me they are 20-30s - young active, successful, demanding careers , doing well in life. I'm proud.
I think the couple mentioned if they are late 70s might be getting a bit apprehensive about their shortish futures. Surely by now many of their friends have had serious ops/ developed dementia/ died - so they're really just trying to kid themselves they're going to reach 100. Maybe you are a reminder of how little times left.

I suspect they still see themselves as 'middle aged, or barely older' and you mirror the way they think they look - meaning they must look distinctly older.

I kind of have this the other way around, as I'm sure many of use do; in that I look in the mirror and see someone like my parents, then have to remind myself that they are actually quite old and I am not 32 any more.

@SkyBlueBlues they've raised healthy children in their own image who have a good opinion of themselves and look after themselves. They're great.

Unless there's some giant drip feed subtext if course...

(There usually is)

OP said her self esteem is good and the only thing that bothers her is that her parents are bothered they have middle aged children , not her problem though really, that's theirs, nobody is perfect.

How about "Well I didn't choose the year of my birth- you did. If you didn't want 50 year old kids when you were in your late 70s, you shoulda waited till you were 40 to have us"

OMG, what I wouldn’t give to stil have my parents, or even just one of them, even if they teased me about my age.

I think it must be somewhat sad to watch your children's hair turn grey, and see lines of age on their faces, to be honest. I hope I retain my faculties sufficiently not to reveal this sadness to my DS if I live that long, but it will be there.