Husband's work taking over family life.

[Nextquestionplease]

Husband is a high earner, who takes on additional work to the extent that our younger child wants to cut the computer in half, to stop him working and spend time with us going out or in the house.
He helps get them ready for school and bed, but it's like he's part-time help for an hour in the morning and two hours at night.
There's no companionship.
He takes work on holiday (one holiday a year), works the day before we go and goes back the following morning.
He sleeps separately so he can wake up early to work before going to work, or stays up late working.
He's angry if I challenge him and walked out when I got angry about the amount of work he's doing. I'm terrified he'll disappear if/when I I challenge him again.
He wants to be in charge.
I want to have a life.

You seem quite beaten down to be honest. Perhaps you do need to speak to womens aid advice line. The national one is good. You sound like you've got low self esteem if you can't even take the kids out on your own. Hes got you completely controlled. This is more than just him working all hours. He's controlling you all. Please seek help.

I can take and do take them out on my own but it's not much fun on my own.
Going out with friends - both parents come and I feel crap on my own.

This sounds awful for you and for the children. His obsession with work is not conducive to family life.

I don't know what to suggest as if you split, you can't make him want to see the DC and be responsible for them, so I guess he would just pay you CM and work even more hours? Would that be better for you? You wouldn't have the daily disappointment of seeing him prioritise work over his children and his wife, but you would still have 100% of the day to day responsibility and grunt work.

It's not just the children he doesn't appear to want to spend time with, but it's you as well.

I think he's checked out.

What does he do for work?

Get some financial advice, get a job so you can be financially independent and get the hell out of there. Seems like it's such a toxic environment.

Can you not go back to the retraining? Get some childcare whilst you do this? Make plans to leave.

What is his rationale for working this hard? Is he getting any recognition/advantage at work from it? Or is he putting it on himself and getting taken advantage of? I'm convinced a lot of overwork is entirely self-created.

I think you do need to have a conversation about where he's going with this?

Don't put him on the spot with this, but you need to say ' I appreciate everything you do for me/DC, but we need to make some time to discuss where you are going with your work because this doesn't feel sustainable'

Because you need to know is this it, forever? Is it just some stage he needs to get through, then he'll be more in charge of his time? (Note he may well say this and even believe it, but it's likely to just carry on I'd imagine)

Perhaps ask him if he knows for certain he'll get something out of all this - does he actually know anyone at work who has been promoted because of their exceptionally long hours? Is he getting any meaningful recognition/career progress from it?

Because it is possible to be well remunerated and to progress without insane hours in many jobs.

Why don't you leave him? If he's a high earner then you should be ok. Get some legal help to see where you stand.

Lots of good points made.
Will have a proper think when children back at school.
Feel like crying cos I'm burnt out.
He says he's tired but he says/admits works easier than childcare!

If you are burnt out then the income that comes from his being a high earner should partly go towards getting you some support. That could be a cleaner, some childcare so you can go to doctor appointments, get some downtime, etc.

I think you said, upthread, that you can't work because the income would just go to childcare. If you are feeling financially insecure because you think he's not committed to the marriage, then working will help you be connected to the workforce, which would be a security for you.

Do you love him? And does he love you? Leaving won't make things better for any of you.

He may have money worries you know nothing of or be saving to pay school fees.

Saying you don't work as you have to look after dc tells me you are in a gilded bubble. If you leave a judge will expect you to work and earn your keep. Your dh will pay for dc only. Things will be much much harder.

Whilst the kids are at school, get a skill, find an interest, get fit, earn some money even if its gardening. Make friends with the wives of the work colleagues your dh spends his time with but go to the theatre with them, no sitting about boozing and moaning. If your dh won't take care of dc, get a sitter. Just say he is working.

If you want to do things weekend's with dc, do them. Take a relative if he won't go. Smile, get dressed up and go out.
Your life will be better, you will be busy, your dc will be happier as no arguing, and your dh will want to spend time with the new busy you. If he doesn't at least you will be happier with friends. Have a dinner party or outdoor barbecue or just invite people for drinks. If he is too busy fine but Do t anyway.

Ps this might not be a popular viewpoint but he needs to treat you as a valued client.

Pps. Stop the separate rooms. You need intimacy.

How much of the burn out is pregnancy? With school aged children, you’ve got hours every day to rest etc. something isn’t right for you at the moment. What will happen when the baby is here?

Bunny cat - absolutely not pregnant.

Ok I misread the bit about the high risk pregnancy; I thought that was current. Even accounting for the additional needs of one of the children, I think you need to think about why you’re burnt out and whether there might be some depression or other things going on as well. What are you doing while the kids are at school? I’d use some of that time to really focus on your wants and needs. Even if work isn’t an option, would volunteering be an option. It just feels like you’re a bit lost from what you’ve posted .

Guess what - he's working and won't talk about money

I'd cry if I could- the antidepressant blunts my feelings.
I'm so lonely.
His family think he's Mr Wonderful but I know the truth - he lives to work and we're inconveniences.
When I confront him with wanting to know the bank account numbers and he refuses- again- I'll know its the end.
I'm so scared of going thru all the emotional divorce stuff. I won't have much choice if I want to be treated as his equal.

I keep myself busy during term-time. School holidays only reveal how empty my life really is.

@Nextquestionplease

I'd cry if I could- the antidepressant blunts my feelings. I'm so lonely. His family think he's Mr Wonderful but I know the truth - he lives to work and we're inconveniences. When I confront him with wanting to know the bank account numbers and he refuses- again- I'll know its the end. I'm so scared of going thru all the emotional divorce stuff. I won't have much choice if I want to be treated as his equal.

What does he actually say...

? I don't know the numbers

? The details are downstairs I'll get them later

? I know them but I'm not telling you

Have you actually said to him this is a dealbreaker for you?

Do you have a pension?

Do you have family or friend you can talk to in real life?

Can you ask his family to fill the gaps - ie X is working would you like to bla bla bla " keep doing it until the family realise just how much he's missing out. Obviously eventually they will come to realise he chooses to ignore you all, best let them twig it themselves, unless you want a rift. You may find they will help him to notice what he's missing ?!

I used to send emails to my DH when he was away for months at a time working - for us it was more to keep him in the loop as he did want to be there but couldn't . For yours it might show him what's he's missing maybe ??

Not asking his family to fill in the gaps - they benefit from his professional advice and won't say anything to upset him as they want free advice.

He says the financial information isn't important.

By not sharing a bed, he's avoiding me asking questions.
I dont have any energy left to save my marriage.
I'm surviving not living.
Went out for 5 hours in 2 week school hol cos he's working.

Can you afford to split ?

You need to get a job and put the children in childcare. Get some independence and some perspective. You have what a lot of people would call a very easy life - you don't work, don't clean, get everything paid for. Your husband works hard so you don't have to get a job. All the comments about wanting to be romanced come across as needy and immature, and the one about one of the best looking men in the world flirting with you was just weird.

OP I think you need to separate out two different things:

1. Division of labour. This isn’t actually unfair by the sounds of it. Your latest post “Went out for 5 hours in 2 week school hol cos he's working” is a bit silly. Most SAHMs would expect to look after/take their DC out solo in the holidays, on weekdays at least. It’s not clear why you’re not doing this, it seems slightly cutting off your nose to spite your face.

2. DH’s relationship with you and the DC. This is clearly a mess. He doesn’t prioritise spending time with you and DC. The “project work” that he does at weekends, could you manage financially without this? If so then he is using it as a way to avoid family life. Sleeping separately. Not sharing financial information. He has checked out.

As regards 1) you won’t get lots of sympathy as this thread shows. As regards 2) you can certainly expect better.

Could you suggest to him that instead of 2hrs in the evening he works an extra hour and frees up a weekend morning so you have a whole day to do something together?

TBH for a high earner (I’m assuming- doesn’t look like you’ve given an indication and my advice would be v different for 70k vs 1M) an hour in the morning, an hour at night and 1.5 days at weekend wouldn’t be bad at all.

Why are you staying @Nextquestionplease?

OP - have you heard of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs?

You are feeling so lost and upset because, while all of your basic needs are met without effort, hardly any of your higher (psychological or self fulfilment) needs are met.

You are looking to your husband to fill these needs, but you will also start to feel better if you fill them in other ways (friends, volunteering, extended family, hobbies, work).

Once you start filling these needs you may find you start to feel better and have more perspective on what you want to do about you relationship with your husband (counselling, communication, LTB, ultimatum etc…).