Husband's work taking over family life.

[Nextquestionplease]

Husband is a high earner, who takes on additional work to the extent that our younger child wants to cut the computer in half, to stop him working and spend time with us going out or in the house.
He helps get them ready for school and bed, but it's like he's part-time help for an hour in the morning and two hours at night.
There's no companionship.
He takes work on holiday (one holiday a year), works the day before we go and goes back the following morning.
He sleeps separately so he can wake up early to work before going to work, or stays up late working.
He's angry if I challenge him and walked out when I got angry about the amount of work he's doing. I'm terrified he'll disappear if/when I I challenge him again.
He wants to be in charge.
I want to have a life.

What is his job and what does he earn? If it's over 100k then I think you have to suck it up or accept he could take a lesser paid job but your lifestyle will change

I am not sure you do have to suck it up. Even in high paid roles it is possible to give your family proper attention when you are with them.

What would he say about the relationship if asked OP?

@minipie OP should be encouraged to get a job to protect herself as her future seems so uncertain. She needs to regain some of her earlier life as well as become financially independent - that may mean spending some of the family income on childcare but so be it.

It doesn’t sound as though the OP’s immediate concern is money - it’s just that DH has allllll the control.

Not honest bout money. And probably not honest about how much of these work demands are reall demands, and how much he is adding in for reasons of his own.

Houseplantmad yes I can see that as a reason. But there were some posters who seemed to be suggesting that if OP works that will mean she is happier with her DH’s constant work schedule and I couldn’t see why that would be.

I'm definitely getting a picture of a man who thinks OP is his servant, tbh.He 'works' therefore everything has to revolve around his work, but OP is not allowed to know about the family finances, so there will always be reasons why anything she wants to do somehow can't happen - because she exists to make this man's life easier...

How do I post a previous posters question?

Thank you to your husband for being a nurse. Long hours and not highly paid.
Why is it acceptable for parents of either sex to not see children during the working week?
I understand that it's due to working hours and commuting time but why is it ok?

I want to go out with a friend for a walk on weekend morning without a child calling me cos dads on the computer, doesn't want to be disturbed and they want to know when I'm back to help them with something.
At the moment, I don't even try.
Attempted a morning exercise class and they called Grandma.🤦‍♀️

@Nextquestionplease - it’s not unreasonable for your dc to wait for help with something if their dad is working (assuming it’s not an emergency). That’s life. You say your dc are all in school.

Why it’s «acceptable « for parents of either sex to not see their dc on a particular work day is because we need to work to provide for our families. You say your dh spends about 3 hours a day with the dc plus single handedly supports the family financially. That’s pretty good.

He doesn’t sound too engaged with you though.

Not always but in my case my DHs workaholism was because he had checked out of our marriage. I wish I'd seen it earlier rather than blaming work, essentially committing that much time is a choice that he is making.
It's miserable and yet no one feels sorry for you, I found I was constantly told how 'lucky' I was to be married to such a man, despite how lonely and tough it was. So much happier without him and he's happier because he had to work less to now see his kids as a co parent!

@Nextquestionplease

Back to life. Normal to work 7 days a week? Year in year out?

He works a few hours in the morning at weekends. He also takes holidays with the family. He spends three hours with the kids every weekday.

I don't think that's so bad. Lots of kids see their parents a lot less than that!

How old are your kids @Nextquestionplease?

There are obviously two sides to this.

1. it sounds like he has checked out of your marriage and there is work to be done in your relationship.

2. what do you actually do?

Posted too soon. It is not clear what you actually do. Many people with your set-up (ie one parent working) would be doing everything during the working week. Your kids are school age, you have a cleaner and you seem to think 3 hours during the week isn’t enough. It is more than many people have.

His inability to switch off for holidays/weekends is problematic but you are also not helping by expecting to be sole earner and do a big chunk of childcare etc

I think this relationship is doomed. He may be "staying for the children" as he knows seeing them briefly morning & evening is more than he'd get if you split up - then he would either have to make an effort to care for them without you, or not see them. I can see why the current set up is better than that for him.

However, I don't think that will last. Once they're teenagers and more independent he won't have the same motivation to remain living in the same house. He does to seem to want a relationship with you.

The problem I foresee is another few years of being a house wife is really going to impact your life long term. Child maintenance is not enough to run a home and stops once they're older. Post divorce, his obligation to financially support YOU will be very small - you will be expected to work. Plus if he's hiding his income now then god knows what tricks he would pull in a divorce.

What's your plan for the long term? Do you have a pension? I don't think you can rely on this man to provide you a comfortable old age. You need to earn some money and start building a future for yourself. It could be training rather than a job at the stage? Make the most of having his income while you can but build a proper independent future. It doesn't matter that you'll have to pay for holiday clubs etc - the family can afford it now. Your aim should be to build an income that means you can still afford it when he leaves.

Drifting along staying at home "for the children" and in case the washing machine breaks is going to bite you in the ass in the future.

• doesn't seem to want a relationship

I think this is a scenario where unless you make plans to leave or find your own life by getting a job, not much will change, I will say there are a lot of remote jobs out there so perhaps you could do one of those and have a babysitter so you can work. I was like your dh. I used to feel under tremendous pressure to have a life I couldn't have or give my dc unless I was working all the time.

To a certain extent I will always be like it, I am a workaholic and it is like an addiction, it's very hard to ignore certain jobs though. My job now refuses annual leave nearly everytime I ask for it, it makes it very difficult to just take a break and even when I do take a break I have all of that work waiting for me so I find it easier to never take a break. I've just come back from a holiday where I was working everyday. I don't even want that but I don't really know how to stop it because that's how my job is, I do it or I lose it.

I have got a little better by reorganising certain aspects of it but what made everything easier for me to let go was dh getting a much better job so that I could not worry so much about finances. I don't think people always realise how difficult it can be being the sole breadwinner for some people. In your shoes I'd get a job and childcare asap.

It would be really interesting to know what your DH thinks you are getting out of the relationship?

He's a high earner so it's not like you're on the breadline.

He sounds like crap father and your children know it. I don't believe that he didn't know he'd be like this before having children.

It seems to me that he thinks that everything to do with children, bar giving them money, is a woman's thing. He's not interested in actually spending time with them or looking after them - that is your job. I'm imagining he had kids either because you wanted them, or because he wanted to appear to be a family man at work or in your community.

These men get away with so much my telling their wives 'but I do it all for you' - no, this type doesn't. He'd be working like that regardless.

I'm sorry OP - it sounds like your marriage is totally dead. He is basically your salary and the genetic father to your children. It must be quite damaging for your kids to witnesses all of this and to see they are clearly not wanted :(

@Nextquestionplease

Lots to answer. In a nutshell - the time he spends with them is eating and helping to get dressed. I have to continually ask him to play with them, to develop their skills and get off gadgets. They are v attached to me and come to me first as they've got used to him working every day, year-round. Sat & Sun am as a minimum he's working 3 hours in the am at home. I do things to keep myself busy but I want time with my husband - not him to go off upstairs and work or go to bed after dinner.(8 pm sat night cos he woke up at 6 to work). He has little patience with the children when we go out - he gets bored and resents spending the money - unless its somewhere he wants to go. He helps early am before going to work and 2 hrs max, sometimes 1, in the evening. I don't have a problem with that cos it's a working day. I do have a problem with not even being taken out for dinner or asked if I'd like a special Covid takeaway dinner for my birthday! Had to work in his place of work today (arranged a few weeks ago), working tomorrow and all last week incl Bank hols. He knew it was Xmas school hols as I wrote it in his work diary - he chose to work rather than be with us and took his laptop on his son's outing yesterday.🤦‍♀️

What job does he do? So many SAHMs seem delusional about the demands of high paid jobs. Three hours during the week day with kids is a lot. He would be better off paying a nanny who won't complain, than OP who doesn't work but expects him to do more than three hours/day of childcare despite her not even working one hour.

Why are high-earners exempted from family time.
I don't mean meal-times, I mean days or afternoons out.
I'm not resentful of what I do, I resent not having time out as a family on Bank hols!🤯

@Nextquestionplease

Why are high-earners exempted from family time. I don't mean meal-times, I mean days or afternoons out. I'm not resentful of what I do, I resent not having time out as a family on Bank hols!🤯

I don’t think anyone has suggested that they are?

And I think the “high earner” part is a red herring.

It sounds like a very unequal situation

And not like you get on. Do you?

Are you staying for his income and he for ease, but opting out of spending time with you?

Is there anything good there

He does the childcare to show he can do it - but won't even collect a prescription for me on a Sat am when I have a high temp and he's doing paperwork.
Expects me to get it when I can't even stand up.