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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

827 replies

WeyAyeMan · 31/12/2021 22:19

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

OP posts:
WeyAyeMan · 01/01/2022 10:35

@Mumdiva99

Hey, congratulations on getting through your first night alone. What's the plan for today? You are amazing.
I'm just sitting in bed still so we're having a lazy day. I need to Hoover, wash bottles and do some washing.

Before he was charged the police recommend I take as much as possible to my brothers so we emptied my fridge etc, I think I'm going there for dinner they can cook one of the joints of meat I had or something. I just couldn't stay there if I didn't have to, I just wanted my own bed.

I haven't received any medical attention, it happened almost a week ago now, i Think I will have to though to check pregnancy etc, just feel I haven't got the strength. I've barely been able to wash and brush my hair because of the pain to my head, hair was coming out in clumps!

OP posts:
NettleTea · 01/01/2022 10:54

he wouldnt really be sorry, only sorry that he has been held account for his behaviour.
Or he would say sorry to get back in the house and then you would need to pay for what has happened to him.
The mindset of the kind of men who do this is that they feel that they are entitled to do it - their entire understanding of relationships and women is warped and only concerned with self fullfillment - they will do and say whatever they need to keep in control and keep on top.
It is not a loss of control, as I am guessing he never has attacked his boss, or a stranger, but very much an exertion of control over someone who he feels is not fulfilling their role. In his mind he will feel justified for what he did, will somehow twist it round to being your fault and, if you have gradually been slowly worn down by him, you will probably believe that too. These men manage to find women who are vulnerable to treating them as if they are the word of god.

But its not your fault. It was never your fault. Nobody, no matter WHAT they did, deserves to be treated that way. But he will not see it and he is a damaged person, well beyond any help that could be offered by a supportive partner, possibly well beyond the help offered by a professsional. His entitlement to hurt you in order to control you is deeply ingrained, and that is what makes him dangerous, so Im really glad to hear you have no intention of allowing him back.

But it hurts. Of course it does. And yes, I imagine he has filled your world so that every waking moment was filled by him, and thats why there is a great big gaping hole. And in a high octane relationship all the emotions are huge and overwhelming - even seemingly the 'love' that was shared. But sadly none of it was real and all of it is unhealthy. Your partner shouldnt take up all your brain, so much that you lose yourself and cannot function without them - they should add to and support your own identity.

Try to get through these next few days with as much kindness to yourself as possible, and try to let go of the fantasy that was your relationship with him. You have a few days before anything happens with him, and to be honest, most of that is going to roll on without your input as the police have made their decisions around charging.

Your safety and the wellbeing of your babies is paramount now. NYE gives you the chance to drop a line to any friends you may have let drift during your time with him. Build a support network. And look at doing the freedom programme - in person would be good, buit online is good. Fill the hole with self love. Mums are strong. Eat. Sleep. Breathe. accept help.

Queenie6655 · 01/01/2022 11:46

You are incredible

Never let this man contact you again

Let your health visitor know

Engage all agencies

He is Vile !!!!!!!

WeyAyeMan · 01/01/2022 11:52

I keep hearing his voice in my head, things he would be saying playing with the baby. It's as if he's died and I'm mourning him. It's weird and fucked up I know 😢😢

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 01/01/2022 11:58

Not weird at all. It is like a death in some ways.

I hope being at your brothers is a good time/distraction for you.

Why did the police tell you to take stuff there? Are they suggesting you stay for your safety? Or just because they think you need the support? I actually understand you wanted to stay at home over night as all yours and baby's stuff is there. But do whatever feels right for you.

When you finally feel you can wash your hair you need a loud chorus of 'I'm gonna wash that man right out of my hair" - if it's too soon for light hearted moments then sorry I'm kot trying to minimise your experience.

Good luck today.

lifesgoodwithlg · 01/01/2022 12:05

OP, it's going to be hard this year but infinitely better than living on eggshells with a violent man. Everytime you feel bad or think that he's sorry , remember you are keeping your children safe. You may think that he would never hurt your child but he would, he viciously assaulted you while your baby is in utero. I am so sorry that you are going through this but make a promise to yourself that he can never hurt you or your children again. Ps words are cheap, all the sorrys in the world can never make amends for what he has done. Remember you are braver and stronger than you think you are. 2022 is Freedom Year for you.

oakleaffy · 01/01/2022 12:05

@WeyAyeMan

I keep hearing his voice in my head, things he would be saying playing with the baby. It's as if he's died and I'm mourning him. It's weird and fucked up I know 😢😢
@WeyAyeMan These women/child beaters seem to be superficially charming. They can turn on a sixpence, Charming and then blazing eyed knocking the crap out of you.

Please keep strong, a book I read years ago helped me with an emotionally abusive relationship{not physically, but I bet it could have been had I not ended it} was called ''Women who love too much''

It really was an eye opener.

Yes, of course you are 'Mourning'...the man you thought he was... but he isn't that man. He is an unstable violent potential killer and you deserve so much better, as do your DC

He'll doubtless try to reel you back in, please don't drop the charges against his violence.

www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Who-Love-Too-Much/dp/0099474123?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

UserError012345 · 01/01/2022 12:12

Only you can break the cycle with the help of the police / family / friends. It won't be easy but it's no longer just about you - you need to think about your children.

oakleaffy · 01/01/2022 12:13

@WeyAyeMan
When you wrote about your hair, where he's brutalised you...
I had that as a child when my abuser pulled out a chunk of my hair on top of my head..I had a bald spot for ages.It did grow back, but the pain is so bad.

Your hair will grow back, as will your self respect and self respect when you are free from this toxic prison. {I expect he has belittled you as well}

One day, this will all be a distant memory, and you hopefully will look back from a place of safety and peace in a year or two.

rocky1914 · 01/01/2022 12:38

Thinking of you today, OP. Hope you and DD are okay. You're amazing. I think I speak for everyone else when I say that we are so proud of you. Your daughter and unborn DC have an incredible mother and they are so lucky. Sending love and hugs x

BoodleBug51 · 01/01/2022 12:57

You're not mourning him, love, you're mourning the person you want him to be.

But the reality is that he's a monster who beats his pregnant wife up on Christmas Day.

Stay strong.

Georgeskitchen · 01/01/2022 13:00

Sending hope and strength and please keep posting here and stay safe x

MotherChristmas2021 · 01/01/2022 13:10

Just wanted to say, you're amazing OP. You can get through this! Flowers

bigred22 · 01/01/2022 17:07

You're doing really well OP, you're so brave and strong. It might not feel like it, but it's good that you understand it's trauma bonding because you know what will happen if he was to come back.

I'm sure he'll have lots to say after a few nights locked up and he might mean it in the moment but that person who attacked you is the real him and the safest thing for you is for him to be locked away (as he rightly deserves).

Keep pushing through, every hour that passes is an hour closer to being free of that life and danger

WeyAyeMan · 01/01/2022 19:35

@oakleaffy
Thank you for the link I'll look into it.

What happens if you do drop charges? Not that I would more curious it's really,

Today he was in court he's been remanded in Durham prison until 31st January when he'll be sentenced in crown court. I feel in shock

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/01/2022 19:55

That is a fantastic result good on the police and courts that they are taking it seriously.

He has brought this on himself and could have easily killed you.

RandomMess · 01/01/2022 19:55

Apply for an occupation on the house and a non-molestation order now.

Thanks
Yummypumpkin · 01/01/2022 20:06

I'm pleased it is moving at pace.

ACCx · 01/01/2022 20:57

Hope you’re okay today OP. xxx

MrsGarethSouthgate · 01/01/2022 21:06

[quote WeyAyeMan]@oakleaffy
Thank you for the link I'll look into it.

What happens if you do drop charges? Not that I would more curious it's really,

Today he was in court he's been remanded in Durham prison until 31st January when he'll be sentenced in crown court. I feel in shock [/quote]
Has he pleaded guilty?

As if not, his appearance at Crown Court will be a PTPH (pre-trial plea hearing) rather than a sentencing. This will be his next opportunity to enter a plea, and if he pleads not guilty then a trial date will be set.

If he pleads guilty at the PTPH a date will be set for sentencing and pre-sentence reports requested from probation - these take around 8 weeks where I am so sentencing would most likely be the beginning of March. I would expect him to stay in custody until then.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 21:15

Largely because victims often felt under huge pressure / were threatened by their abusers, you no longer choose whether to press charges or not. The police will decide if there is enough evidence or not and then hand over to the CPS. It's not in your hands and that's for the best as it means you won't be having to decide whether to 'press charges' or not.

Gently, I'm very worried that you're even wondering what would happen if you could theoretically have dropped charges. If there is any part of you that would like to take him back, I think it's worth you really really trying to remind yourself that if you were to do so then you would likely at least temporarily lose custody of your child as you would be making decisions that are directly jeopardising their safety and showing SS and others that you aren't able to safeguard them.

If you were able to 'drop charges' (as I say, you can't - just talking hypothetically to try and help you think this over) is that something you would be tempted to do? If so I think you would be wise to push for some counselling as soon as humanly possible, perhaps ask women's aid for some places to call? You're so vulnerable and you've been so very brave, there's no shame in needing some support to stay strong.

alwayswrighty · 01/01/2022 21:16

@WeyAyeMan I just want to say I was you, and you are stronger than you think.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 21:17

And I agree, brilliant things are moving rapidly. It shows how serious this incident was.

Be careful not to give too many identifying details eg specific dates and places, just as this is a public discussion forum and you want to make sure you're not sharing more than is safe Thanks

Partey · 01/01/2022 21:25

@WeyAyeMan I’m probably very near you and know you’re in good hands with TfC and WWIN.

I wish I’d been as brave as you. Fuck him, that feeling will come I promise.

Today is the start of a new life, a peaceful one, with your 2 babies. Take care and accept all the support you can x

Queenie6655 · 01/01/2022 21:56

[quote WeyAyeMan]@oakleaffy
Thank you for the link I'll look into it.

What happens if you do drop charges? Not that I would more curious it's really,

Today he was in court he's been remanded in Durham prison until 31st January when he'll be sentenced in crown court. I feel in shock [/quote]
Did he plead guilty ?

What an awful awful man

Have to say I'm so impressed with how they have dealt with this

The fcker could have killed your