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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

827 replies

WeyAyeMan · 31/12/2021 22:19

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 01/01/2022 21:59

Not guilty or entered no plea. That's all I know

OP posts:
Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 01/01/2022 22:02

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Largely because victims often felt under huge pressure / were threatened by their abusers, you no longer choose whether to press charges or not. The police will decide if there is enough evidence or not and then hand over to the CPS. It's not in your hands and that's for the best as it means you won't be having to decide whether to 'press charges' or not.

Gently, I'm very worried that you're even wondering what would happen if you could theoretically have dropped charges. If there is any part of you that would like to take him back, I think it's worth you really really trying to remind yourself that if you were to do so then you would likely at least temporarily lose custody of your child as you would be making decisions that are directly jeopardising their safety and showing SS and others that you aren't able to safeguard them.

If you were able to 'drop charges' (as I say, you can't - just talking hypothetically to try and help you think this over) is that something you would be tempted to do? If so I think you would be wise to push for some counselling as soon as humanly possible, perhaps ask women's aid for some places to call? You're so vulnerable and you've been so very brave, there's no shame in needing some support to stay strong.

Definitely not tempted to take him back. Just struggling I suppose I am still very emotional about it and need to work through it.

I'll die before I'm parted from my children

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 22:10

You poor thing Thanks

And I'm sorry if it came across as insensitive or as if I don't think you're putting your children first - you absolutely are and it sounds like you're doing brilliantly.

I just wanted to see if it was worth you maybe speaking to women's aid to discuss some counselling places they might be able to signpost you too for some support to help you.

I don't know you but I feel very proud of you!

Tulipsandviolets · 01/01/2022 22:16

How awful and disgusting to treat you like that and being pregnant. What a revolting vile specimen. You and your children deserve to live in peace and be safe. You're extremely brave op and you will get through this. Flowers

RandomMess · 01/01/2022 22:27

Yeah do not drop your charges against him.

You need to demonstrate to SS that you see his behaviour for the abuse it is.

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 01/01/2022 22:30

@youvegottenminuteslynn

You poor thing Thanks

And I'm sorry if it came across as insensitive or as if I don't think you're putting your children first - you absolutely are and it sounds like you're doing brilliantly.

I just wanted to see if it was worth you maybe speaking to women's aid to discuss some counselling places they might be able to signpost you too for some support to help you.

I don't know you but I feel very proud of you!

Thank you yes I definitely need counselling I am willing to accept anything that will help me.

I will not take him back in just really struggling at the moment, it's just the shock that my life's turned upside down at all.

I won't be withdrawing my statement dropping charges or anything like that, the policeman said in interview he appeared shocked that I had spoken out!

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 22:35

See - you've even impressed a policeman by being so brave and unequivocally putting your children first. That's amazing, take strength from that Thanks

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 01/01/2022 22:38

@youvegottenminuteslynn

See - you've even impressed a policeman by being so brave and unequivocally putting your children first. That's amazing, take strength from that Thanks
Thank you for such kind words, He meant my ex was in shock that I'd spoken out. I wish I could rewind time and this had never happened I'm really struggling tonight. My daughter won't settle off to sleep and it's constant dadada it's like a knife in my heart
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/01/2022 22:44

Even better! You've shown him who you are. A strong woman and a mother who is not taking this abuse any more and is determined to get justice and be safe.

When she says dada try to remember that all she means is 'I want stability and familiarity' - it's one of the few words she knows and that's what she's telling you really. She wants the familiar. As her mum you know that dada is one of the familiar things that is not safe. And that you're protecting her from it. Just as if she said 'sweeties' all day, it wouldn't be right to give them to her all day. Being a responsible and loving parent is giving your child what's best for them, not what they think they want in the short term.

You're doing so well, you really are.

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 01/01/2022 22:47

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Even better! You've shown him who you are. A strong woman and a mother who is not taking this abuse any more and is determined to get justice and be safe.

When she says dada try to remember that all she means is 'I want stability and familiarity' - it's one of the few words she knows and that's what she's telling you really. She wants the familiar. As her mum you know that dada is one of the familiar things that is not safe. And that you're protecting her from it. Just as if she said 'sweeties' all day, it wouldn't be right to give them to her all day. Being a responsible and loving parent is giving your child what's best for them, not what they think they want in the short term.

You're doing so well, you really are.

Thank you so, so much
OP posts:
Northernlurker · 01/01/2022 23:01

She isn't asking for him. Dada is the first sound they can make. It happens to fit nicely with 'daddy' so gets a lovely reaction from the people she knows best - so she says it more.
You are her world. She needs you alive and well not beaten and throttled. It's terrifyingly easy to kill somebody by putting your hands on their throat. You were lucky and now you are being very brave. You are all your children will ever need.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 01/01/2022 23:04

You aren't in love with a 'nice' man, you are in love with somene who is a violent, abusive, dangerous man. do you want your children to be without a mother, and then groomed to be either like him, or marry someone like him?
i know this is difficult but please please trust people who say you are better off without him. it will be painful but it is so improtant, your life depends on it, and if not yours, your children's life. He will psychologicallly kill them, even if he doesn't physically kill them. They are as good as dead if you don't keep them safe.

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 01/01/2022 23:07

keep strong. stay strong. you are strong. you are stronger without him. you will be better without him. you are doing it. you can keep doing it. one foot infront of the other, slowly slowly ... you are doing it. well done...

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 01/01/2022 23:08

Thank you both

You are right and I need to show my daughter how a woman should be treat, I can't and won't allow her to grow up and think that life was normal.

I think it's just the silence in the house, getting used to him not being here etc, maybe a bit hormonal? It's just taking some adjusting to

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 01/01/2022 23:12

Your baby is only 8 months old
In a couple of days she will be saying mama

mathanxiety · 02/01/2022 00:50

Turn on the radio or the TV. It's nice to have sound surrounding you.

Your LO is not saying Dada with any meaning attached to it. This is the sound all babies make. She is not associating it with her awful father. It will be Bababa soon, then Mamama.

If it's getting to you, try imagining her screaming, 'Daddy NOOOO' when she's 3 or 4 and he's slapping the living daylights out of her.

Ruralbliss · 02/01/2022 01:20

Just read the entire thread and want to add my voice of concern and support OP.

I've never read such a traumatic account of violence and on Christmas Day too towards a pregnant woman. Absolutely horrifying and you are lucky he didn't kill you I think. What kind of monster would tell the mother of their baby 'I will snap your neck'.
He meant it I think.

You must do all you can to protect yourself from him when his time in custody ends. He is unhinged & sadistic.

Try to take each hour at a time and realise you have been through a terrible traumatic event plus the hormones of early pregnancy.

Do you have people you can lean on for support? Did your tribe know you were a victim of domestic abuse behind closed doors.
I assume it has been going on for a long time and escalated last week for the neighbour to speak up and come to your rescue?

Speak to us here. We can be your virtual support.
Well done for writing your post. Everything you are doing is good. For you and your babies.

We are here to help you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Have lazy days.
One day this will be ancient history.

idiotmagnet · 02/01/2022 01:47

@WeyAyeMan

I won't ever ever entertain the thought of having him back, I wouldn't risk loosing my children

I'm just hurting at the loss of a family a relationship. It wasn't my point to be a single mother. I'm in Durham

You are a family without him, and you will be happy and stable. What he offered you was not a family relationship. You would quite possibly end up dead, and your children motherless. You are a family, and you will be happy. Best wishes to you.
ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/01/2022 05:35

Let's hope he gets a decent sentence for what he's done.

Your DD will stop saying dada soon enough. And remember, she has no clue about the danger you and she are in from him - she's just aware that someone she's used to seeing isn't there. If you had a dog that went missing, it would be the same.

I really hope that this is your year to break free of him. He's not worthy of your pity - save it for yourself and your kids.

Peanut82 · 02/01/2022 08:21

I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through, I've been there, I get it.
It was nearly 11 years ago for me now, he'd been violent before but I always forgave him.
You'll be in shock, mourning your relationship and mourning the person you wanted him to be. That's not real, he's shown you exactly who he is.
Keep engaging with the police and womens services, they were great with me and helped me get a restraining order out on my ex. I thought I'd never trust a man again.
Fast forward to now and I have an amazing new partner and a dd who's 6
You're stronger than you think, you will get through it

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 02/01/2022 08:50

@Ruralbliss

Just read the entire thread and want to add my voice of concern and support OP.

I've never read such a traumatic account of violence and on Christmas Day too towards a pregnant woman. Absolutely horrifying and you are lucky he didn't kill you I think. What kind of monster would tell the mother of their baby 'I will snap your neck'.
He meant it I think.

You must do all you can to protect yourself from him when his time in custody ends. He is unhinged & sadistic.

Try to take each hour at a time and realise you have been through a terrible traumatic event plus the hormones of early pregnancy.

Do you have people you can lean on for support? Did your tribe know you were a victim of domestic abuse behind closed doors.
I assume it has been going on for a long time and escalated last week for the neighbour to speak up and come to your rescue?

Speak to us here. We can be your virtual support.
Well done for writing your post. Everything you are doing is good. For you and your babies.

We are here to help you. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Have lazy days.
One day this will be ancient history.

Thank you so much for the support, I really appreciate every reply in this thread and the help it's given me. I managed to sleep a bit better last night only woke up a few times, but I woke up panicking thinking i don't want to give evidence against him, I think because I have no control over anything it's the fear of the unknown which is overwhelming. I keep thinking about him lying in a cell, what he's doing, thinking, and then I snap back to reality and think would he be this bothered if he had put me in a morgue?! I feel like I'm in a tv drama or I'm going to wake up and it's all not happened.

My brother has been a fantastic support, my friends are good listeners too but they don't really understand my emptiness and feelings of missing him. Nobody knew what had happened until he was arrested so no doubt has been a shock for them too

OP posts:
picklemewalnuts · 02/01/2022 09:28

Would it help to know that the brain is plastic, it shapes itself according to experiences? So your brain has built itself around this mess of abuse and control- that's why it feels bad at the moment BUT it will rebuild around your new situation if you give it a chance. Just hold on to the brighter future you and your DCs will have if you just hang in there through each day- it will get better.

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 02/01/2022 09:31

@picklemewalnuts

Would it help to know that the brain is plastic, it shapes itself according to experiences? So your brain has built itself around this mess of abuse and control- that's why it feels bad at the moment BUT it will rebuild around your new situation if you give it a chance. Just hold on to the brighter future you and your DCs will have if you just hang in there through each day- it will get better.
I didn't know that but if does make sense, thank you. Yes I'm certainly it a day at a time, sometimes an hour at a time
OP posts:
alwayswrighty · 02/01/2022 09:59

@WeyAyeMan you've got this. One step at a time, with our support and of your family and the agencies. Flowers

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 02/01/2022 10:15

I keep panicking and thinking to myself I really don't want to give evidence against him. What would happen if I don't? I just can't shake this feeling of utter panic

OP posts:
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