DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

[WeyAyeMan]

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

Who would your little one live with if he murdered you? I know a case where a very young woman was murdered by her violent abusive ex in front of their kids, and the poor kids have vanished into foster care... no idea what will happen to them. That is sadly the reality for children whose mothers are murdered by their fathers. Please, please do not let this be you and your child.

Well done OP you should be so proud- I’m in a near by city of you need a chat let me know I’ll happily meet up for a coffee or a walk or whatever xx

I'm sorry, lovely, I missed your updates. Well done, you are a strong woman and you've got this.

If it helps you, OP, the "nice man" never actually existed. It was the mask he put on to attract you - it's the "bait" he uses to keep you there.

The REAL him is the abusive bastard who tried to kill you. And who may succeed if he comes back to you.

You have trauma bonded to a fake persona - like a dream partner, he's not real.

When the mask slips and you see what is under it, believe THAT picture because that is the real one.

Glad you have a NY free of him for at least a few days - make the most of it and get away from him because he'll be raging when he comes back.

You're being so brave OP and it's great to hear you say you'd never consider having him back, as that would likely result in you losing your child as SS wouldn't be able to trust that you could adequately safeguard them.

Thank god for your neighbour too, what a bloody brilliant human being to not only notice but report it and save a life in the process.

I'm sending happy new year thoughts to you and your guardian Angel neighbour

You don't have to leave, get a solicitor & get an occupation order. Hopefully he will at least get given an order to not come near you. Can you get the locks changed to make you feel a but safer & maybe cameras on the perimeter of where you live?

I hope you know how brave and strong you are being x trauma bonds are a very real and painful thing to work through , he sold you a dream and delivered a nightmare , keep telling yourself this any time you have a wobble , I keep a hair tie on my wrist and ping it for a short sharp snap when my
Mind takes me to a dark place.
Please look after yourself as well as your daughter , you are pregnant and need your energy so try and eat and be kind to yourself x
You are amazing and you are free 😊

I'm so sorry you are in this situation. It might help to remember that, not only did the 'lovely' man you fell for never exist, but that the 'loveliness' was a mask this man put on, to con you. He knew what he was doing. He always meant to hurt you. They always do.
Wishing you a safe, healing and peaceful future.

So sorry you have had to endure such awful times. No matter how bad a relationship is you still need tome to grieve after it has finished. Allow yourself this time but know it will pass. I wish you the strength you need to stay away from him and the love to protect your babies.

I’m so sorry OP. Sorry I don’t have much helpful advice, but wanted to bump the thread so others see. Have you got much of a support network, family & friends etc?

Oh sorry I missed the subsequent pages after the first one

@WeyAyeMan

I've spoken to women in need and have a key worker already, to be fair the police and other services have been good to me but it's just the shock.

I feel heartbroken, things were calm before they arrested him he had been back to his nice self which is making it worse. I know this is the cycle of abuse, but it's killing me 😢

I went to stay with my brother last night but the baby wouldn't settle so I'm back home in our own bed, it's horrible being back here alone, I know I'm safe, but just feels wrong

Please if you can be strong for your own sake..DO NOT RETURN.

You WILL be attacked again.

I have had two friends who kept going backhand were used at punch bags again and again.
One got out, the other... she returned, got pregnant, and is a punchbag for this horrendous man who can be charm personified.

IF he loved you he would not attack you.
Pregnancy is a trigger for these types of ghastly men to attack, and young children deserve so much better, as do you.

Up to you... I'd been beaten as a child, and the pain and fear of that made me bloody determined never to endure it again!!!

The taste of blood, the bruises, the fat lip, the ringing ears who needs it.

Not you, and certainly not your children.

@WeyAyeMan

I won't ever ever entertain the thought of having him back, I wouldn't risk loosing my children

I'm just hurting at the loss of a family a relationship. It wasn't my point to be a single mother. I'm in Durham

@WeyAyeMan I've just read your posts, and they bring tears to my eyes.

This brute never loved you.

You deserve so much better as do your children.

A very 'Middle class' woman mum knew used to get beaten, and had the tendons on her hand severed fending off blows.

Luckily she escaped... none of us imagine being single parents, but you will manage.. as long as he doesn't entice you back.

You were so lucky not to have been killed.

You need never be hit again!
or abused, or strangled.

Best wishes to you and your children.
Never look back.

It's your unborn baby that will die. Put that at the forefront of your mind when you miss him.

But...Happy New Life to you and your children. Happy safe life, happy loving life. You deserve to live safely with your little ones and they deserve the lovely mum that you are. You will survive. You will survive him

Happy New Year, Op. You are a brave and strong mother.

I managed to sleep for an hour or so and then I wake up as if I'm waking up from a night mare, shaking and checking the dark room to make sure he's not there. My daughter has slept in my arms tonight. That and reading all of these replies are giving me strength I didn't know I had.
They are making me cry, but in a good way. I am so grateful for this support. Thank you. I'm going to try and sleep for another hour

I just read your thread.

The cycle... Being in the good part (mask on) after being brutalised that's what we want, the tormentor to admit their wrong and make it better.
Then tension builds and you know the rest.
Mask off.

This is who he is. The nice guy is an act to reel you in. If he threatened to snap your neck on the first date you wouldn't have a second.

So, you will be in a traumatic response (fight, flight, freeze, fawn) the sympathetic nervous system activated.
You can reset by extending your outbreath, so 4 seconds in, 5 out. Build up to 4 in and 8 out.

You should feel calmer.

It's hard I know, it's like breaking an addiction.

It's him or you.
Choose you, and keep choosing you, many times each day.

Choose you.
Choose a future with possibilities of happiness and hope.

It's certain pain if you choose him. The least pain you can escape with is what you have today.

Sending so much love.

Have you had any medical attention since the attack?

Lots of great advice that I won't repeat but a couple of things;
Have Durham Constabulary offered to refer you into Harbour? They offer a brilliant service around domestic abuse. If they haven't, you can self refer. Ask for an Independent Domestic Violence Advisor referral as well. They can put you in touch with solicitors to get a non molestation order and also can support around housing etc. they can also arrange securing your current property if you want to stay there eg locks changing.
Also, you should get checked over following the non fatal strangulation, especially as you are pregnant. If you ring 111 they can get you an appointment at a walk in centre to be reviewed and also have your other injuries documented by a clinician as this would be helpful evidence in both criminal and family law proceedings.
Stay strong, Durham lasses are made of stern stuff!you can shake off the trauma bonds and keep yourself and your baby safe but get as much help as you can to do this. Work with the social workers who will do everything they can to safeguard your baby from him.

I'm in shock reading your post. I know it's not easy to just dust these fuckers off and walk away. I cannot imagine what it must be like to be a child who grows up knowing that their mother was murdered by their father. The trauma of that knowledge must be horrific to bear. Please put your little ones front and centre of all your thoughts and use the love you have for them to help pull you free of the hold this man has over you.

You are doing the best thing possible by getting away from this man. For both you and your dc.

Your life will be so much happier and you will get to see your children grow up. Staying in a relationship with this man could mean you miss out on both those things.

I can understand that you miss having him around as he was sometimes nice, but realistically, you were living with an abuser and potential murderer. Such a scary thought.

Your GP may be able to help- you may need medication to help you through this crisis, until you are more settled.

Firstly, you are not alone, there are loads of survivors of domestic violence, engaging with the support services is going to give you an amazing support network and in touch with others.

You are responding in a normal way to severe trauma and torture, you are now safe so your body and mind are trying to process everything.

Let's make a list each day of what you have to do, cleaning, eating child care etc.
Try and go for a walk, get some outside time each day, breathe.

It's normal to miss your abuser, it's normal to grieve. Don't be ashamed of these feelings, process them and they will pass.

Well done for supporting the police prosecution, you have safeguarded both your children. You are a great mother.

Hey, congratulations on getting through your first night alone. What's the plan for today? You are amazing.

God this thread is a life saver, I'm shaking reading the responses but they are helping me so much. I actually managed to get a good bit of sleep and my daughter slept really well last night.

I'm actually on the outskirts of Durham so covered by Northumbria police, I'm being supported by social services and wearside women in need. All 3 have been very good to me.

I woke up to a text saying that he's been charged with false imprisonment, 4 assaults occasioning actual bodily harm, 1 common assault
Don't really understand any of it all. I keep thinking of him lying in that cell, wondering what he would say to me, if he's sorry. And then I remember why he's in there in the first place, thanks to the strength I'm finding

Thank you all so much for the support I actually feel a bit humbled