Page 2 | DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

WeyAyeMan · 2021-12-31T22:19:55+00:00

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much. I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

Queenie6655 · 31/12/2021 23:15

He's a total bastard

How dare he

My seemingly lovely partner did this to me
Assaulted my d d too

I was too afraid to call police
Was so worried for him
Blah blah

It then got a whole lot worse

Yea he will kill you
Don't think fondly of him
You must get a restraining order asap

He must never be near you and your child again

He is total scum

I speak as someone who could have matched your story word for word

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 31/12/2021 23:16

Your children can’t live with him can they so you’re going to have to choose to leave him for them.
It’s one pathway or the other and you need to protect them and leave him or risk loosing them.
It sounds like you are in shock but don’t let him back into your life he nearly killed you and your unborn baby - I’m so frightened for you, you seem to be retreating in to a fantasy of what you would like him to be rather than who he really is.

Wizzbangfizz · 31/12/2021 23:21

Read back your post and now read it as though a close friend/daughter/relative was posting.

What would you say?

Bearsinmotion · 31/12/2021 23:23

My situation is a bit different but might be useful to you.

Ex DP was verbally and emotionally abusive. He also had severe mental health problems. But I was in love with him and determined to make it work. But it was the old boiling frog analogy - it escalated and escalated. We separated but stayed living together “for the sake of the children”.

November 2020 I convinced him to move out. A few days later I was on an evening course online, so didn’t pick up the phone when he called . He came to the house and tried to kick the door in so I called the police.

Now a year on my life is so much better. It’s not been easy but I am so glad I got out, most importantly seeing the children are so much happier. You can do this OP!

DeclareThePenniesOnYourEyes · 31/12/2021 23:23

Please contact somebody you trust, preferably a family member if you have a decent, calm member you can rely on. I know this feels terrible now - I have been there with an unhealthy attachment to an abuser, although no kids- but long term it’s for the best you’re apart. It sounds like he may end up in prison and that might be a good thing. Please prioritise your 8m old and yourself first above everything else. If you can manage to speak to a professional to discuss your pregnancy options going forward that will be helpful too. If there is a family member or friend you can trust they can help with this and potentially the care of your 8m old. Please consider getting some professional psychiatric help for yourself, you’ve obviously been through a lot. Waiting lists are crazy at the moment but speak to your GP in the first instance. Good luck. You can do this @WeyAyeMan

BraveGoldie · 31/12/2021 23:28

How are you doing now, OP?

It is really great that you are aware of the trauma bonding - so that you understand that those feelings are a result of abuse and aren't helping you to be safe. I think it's also a really positive step that you are able to describe his awful treatment of you clearly, without diminishing it or excusing it.
You strike me as very strong with a part of you able to see clearly what has been happening.

Don't be put off coming here for support, because of the strong words people are using about your partner.... they are not criticisms of you..... we just care a lot about you and your children being safe and free.

Keep talking to us here. About anything you want. You are not alone and I am sending hugs if you would like to receive them.

Original poster

WeyAyeMan · 31/12/2021 23:28

I won't ever ever entertain the thought of having him back, I wouldn't risk loosing my children

I'm just hurting at the loss of a family a relationship. It wasn't my point to be a single mother. I'm in Durham

OP posts:

Original poster

WeyAyeMan · 31/12/2021 23:32

@BraveGoldie

How are you doing now, OP?

It is really great that you are aware of the trauma bonding - so that you understand that those feelings are a result of abuse and aren't helping you to be safe. I think it's also a really positive step that you are able to describe his awful treatment of you clearly, without diminishing it or excusing it.
You strike me as very strong with a part of you able to see clearly what has been happening.

Don't be put off coming here for support, because of the strong words people are using about your partner.... they are not criticisms of you..... we just care a lot about you and your children being safe and free.

Keep talking to us here. About anything you want. You are not alone and I am sending hugs if you would like to receive them.

Thank you. Yes I'm going to keep coming back and reading, the replies are really helping me clear the fantasy of him from my head. I'm just devastated it turned out like this

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BraveGoldie · 31/12/2021 23:33

Great! So he's your EX..... your Ex. That is fantastic that you know you will never allow him back......

Yes you will feel loss for what you wanted him to be. But you will be free and safe.

Next year is going to be so so so much better OP!

Mummytotwonow · 31/12/2021 23:34

Please please please don’t go back to him. For you, for your babies… you deserve so so so much more. Do not put yourself or babies in future danger with this monster. He is evil - who the heck punches and tries to strangle a pregnant lady. You have to stay strong for you and your babies.

1AngelicFruitCake · 31/12/2021 23:35

Well done for putting your children first x

Original poster

WeyAyeMan · 31/12/2021 23:35

Thank you everyone for taking the time and compassion to reply to me

OP posts:

Mumdiva99 · 31/12/2021 23:35

Of course you are grieving. But be clear as you have said you are grieving the idea of a nuclear family and not grieving this monster.

Families come in all sorts of shapes and sizes and can change over time. Don't worry about what you don't have. Focus on what you do have. One lovely child and another on the way.

Original poster

WeyAyeMan · 31/12/2021 23:37

@Mumdiva99

They are glad he's gone because he sounds horrible. Don't think of what you have lost. Wait until you can get councilling to deal with that. Just deal with tonight? Think in the moment.....how long before baby wakes for the next feed? Is there long enough to watch a movie first? Or do a load of washing/ironing? What time will baby be awake in the morning? Do you need to try to sleep soon? Or can you wait and watch the fireworks at midnight. Do you need to sterilise any bottles for tomorrow? Can you take baby for a long walk in the pushchair tomorrow? Where would you go?

Thank you this is really helping me break the long night down

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Yummypumpkin · 31/12/2021 23:37

I'm from Durham, though sadly not there now.

You should feel pretty bloody proud right now.

It takes bravery and self awareness, determination and strength to do what you're doing.

The hardest part is behind you.

Your emotions will settle down.

Do please spend as much time with (could be on the phone or on here) others.

You've done it.

You've changed the course of your life, your children's lives and their children's lives.

Now...keep going!!

RandomMess · 31/12/2021 23:39

Write down and stick up somewhere "I love the person he pretended to be"

"I love the idea that we could be a happy family but it wouldn't be like that"

I'm so sorry you are going through this. It will be a long time to overcome your trauma bond but you will get there.

One day at a time, one hour at a time if that's all you can deal with sometimes.

Queenie6655 · 31/12/2021 23:40

For what it's worth op
I have never been happier now as a single parent

The loser is gone and with a bit of luck will be in jail soon

I totally relate to how you are feeling
I lied
Covered up for him
Minimised

I only wish a neighbour had rung the police

You can do this
He can rot in hell

AngryAtAssholes · 31/12/2021 23:41

I miss the nice man I was in love with terribly

That nice man never existed - you need to keep telling yourself that.

A nice man - a truly, genuinely nice man - would never do what your ex partner did.

The man who punched and strangled and abused you is who your ex partner really is.

Your sister and friends do understand that you still love him but they are repeating the truth of who he is so you can’t talk yourself back into forgiving him.

Good luck - I hope 2022 is a new start for you and your kids.

Original poster

WeyAyeMan · 31/12/2021 23:42

I know I'll be happier in the long run, and most importantly my children will. That's the priority.

I just feel like my hearts been ripped out and world turned upside down, they're looking to rehouse me and foster my dogs. I'm grateful for all the support I truly am, I'm just overwhelmed

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Mumdiva99 · 31/12/2021 23:43

It's not an easy night to be alone. Imagining others having a 'perfect evening'....they probably aren't. My kids are now arguing because it's way too late for them to be up....but someone promised them they can be up till midnight!!

mrssunshinexxx · 31/12/2021 23:43

Time to be selfless and put your children before yourself he is not safe to EVER be around them.

Original poster

WeyAyeMan · 31/12/2021 23:43

@Mumdiva99

It's not an easy night to be alone. Imagining others having a 'perfect evening'....they probably aren't. My kids are now arguing because it's way too late for them to be up....but someone promised them they can be up till midnight!!

I'm cuddling my daughter, and once the fireworks over I'm going to try and sleep even if it's just for an hour 😊

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ChampagneCommunist · 31/12/2021 23:46

@WeyAyeMan I am so proud of your bravery and your ability to understand your feelings at this very early stage. You are a great role model for your children x

Oddbobbyboo · 31/12/2021 23:48

Just wanted to write to you x this was me 12 years ago and I was pregnant with our 4th child. I took my 3 to a refuge… it absolutely broke my heart…. But hand over my heart the help and support I received was invaluable. I couldn’t think or do anything for myself… it’s alien looking back at the woman I was. It was the hardest time of my life and I still feel sad about it all falling apart… it’s crazy how we focus on the good and forget the bad. But I’m sat here 12 years on…. On New Years Eve thankful for the life I have been able to give my children because he’s not here. Unfortunately, he still refuses to acknowledge any involvement in why our marriage broke down but I don’t worry about that. You may feel shockingly 💩 at the moment x but do the work on yourself and watch yourself flourish x honestly when my son was 2, I went back to college did my GCSES, A-Levels and then on to Uni x I never thought I would be able to do anything like that. I know work for the local authority supporting vulnerable children and families… and the tools I gained on my journey to today has massively helped me help people…. Your neighbour has been a little Angel keeping watch…. I know it’s hard and scary but your little babies need their mumma… you’ve got this xx

mathanxiety · 31/12/2021 23:49

@WeyAyeMan

You are shattered because a belief you held has been shown to be unfounded.

Victims of DV believe deep down that they are in control of the situation, that they can influence the behaviour of the criminal.

What you are afraid of is the loss of control over the situation now that he has been arrested. This is all entirely normal and to be expected. Such is the nature of fear and how we deal with it.

The secret is out. The future of the relationship is in the hands of police, social services, and a judge.

Please be aware of this as the next few days proceed, and please try your hardest not to minimise what he did to you when you go to court.

You need immediate help from the police to get a non-molestation order, and an occupation order stating who can be in your home (not him, obv).

You need to call Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 for advice and support.

Stay here on MN and you will get online support.

So sorry your dream has been dashed - you need to grieve this.

Take comfort in the fact that you can get through this and be a great mum to your little ones, free from the energy sapping presence of this man, the stress, the emotional and psychological upheaval, and the sight of someone committing criminal acts in their own home.