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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP Arrested - Trigger warning DV

827 replies

WeyAyeMan · 31/12/2021 22:19

My dp well ex dp has been arrested and now charged with 5 counts of assault and 1 count of false imprisonment against me on Christmas Day, now remanded in custody till court on Tuesday. I'm a wreck and have severe trauma bonding to him. I'm missing him so much.

I'm around 7 weeks pregnant, home alone with our 8 month old baby and shaking in shock. Has anybody been through similar? The fear of unknown is making it worse.

OP posts:
newusername2009 · 31/12/2021 23:49

I’ve not been where you are so won’t insult you by pretending I know what you are going through but I can imagine you grieving for the life you thought you were going to have. The problem is the man you love / loved is tied up with the man who can beat you. They will always be one person and you can’t possibly love all sides of him so you have to find a way to let him go.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, find comfort in loving your children and doing this for them.

me4real · 31/12/2021 23:51

So sorry you went through that @WeyAyeMan . Every time you miss who you thought he was, remind yourself of what he's really like. You could make a list of all the stuff he's done and look at it when needed.

But mainly just try and do stuff that makes you feel a bit more comfortable or distracts you a little. x

user15364596354862 · 31/12/2021 23:57

Emotions come in waves - they always change even when they feel they'll never end.

When you feel pain, focus on caring for yourself in that moment and wait for it to ease. Because it will, no matter how unbearable it feels it never stays at that intensity.

Even if all you can do is breathe through it, that's ok.

It's good you understand trauma bonding. Notice that's what's happening. Remind yourself. Label the feelings. Name which part of the abuse cycle you're in. Clarify that you're grieving a fantasy.

Stay in the present moment - don't run off into your future worries. Deal with what is happening right now rather than the past or possible future.

The pain is part of processing and healing. Like a wound that first throbs then itches as the skin knits then finally settles as it heals. It feels rubbish but it gets you somewhere better and somewhere necessary. Flowers

ACCx · 31/12/2021 23:58

This is so sad. I hope you’re okay OP. Please just think of your child and their safety. Do you have any SS involved because of this? X

StrongbutTired00 · 31/12/2021 23:58

You may well still love him, it doesn’t turn off like a tap. But you need to love your little girl more, you need to show her that it’s never ok for a man to ever lay his hands on her, you need to protect her and keep her safe from that violent animal. I know how you feel and I’m sending you love and strength 💐 you will do it for your children x

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 01/01/2022 00:00

@ACCx

This is so sad. I hope you’re okay OP. Please just think of your child and their safety. Do you have any SS involved because of this? X
Yes they're now involved, thank you for your kind comment x
OP posts:
BraveGoldie · 01/01/2022 00:05

Happy New Year OP! You are not alone! This is a new start. ThanksThanks

Original poster
WeyAyeMan · 01/01/2022 00:08

@BraveGoldie

Happy New Year OP! You are not alone! This is a new start. ThanksThanks
Thank you x

Happy new year

OP posts:
Ted27 · 01/01/2022 00:17

Hello, I'm an adoptive mum. My son's birth mum has lost 4 sons to adoption. Don't let be you.
You are in shock and grieving the life you thought you were going to have. This man is capable of killing you, better to be an alive single mum than leaving your children behind.
Good luck with whatever lies ahead, stay strong and take the support that's offered.
You can build a good life for you and your babies - you and they deserve it.

ACCx · 01/01/2022 00:19

OP you’re very brave for admitting you miss him. A lot of people would keep this to themselves. The good thing is you can see that he is abusive and that he will not change. The reason I ask about SS is because one of my friends was in a situation similar to yours and SS eventually told her to choose her children or her ex/partner. She also missed him but what kept her going is that she saw it as it was him or her children. I know that’s not really advice but just so you know you’re not alone and you’re very strong. Keep going xxxx

rocky1914 · 01/01/2022 00:22

I am so proud of you, OP. I know we don't know each other so this probably means nothing to you but genuinely, I feel so damn proud of you right now. Your story touched me. You are a strong mama and your children will be so proud of you once they're old enough to understand.

Allow yourself to mourn the loss of the relationship. That's absolutely fine and totally normal. The feelings will fade in time, I promise.

Just maintain your focus which are your children. You'll look back a year from now and be so glad you took this step.

Well done, I can't say it enough. Very sad but incredibly inspiring story. Sending all my love to you and your children x

Pollingbadly · 01/01/2022 00:23

You are being so brave.

I understand the heartbreak as well. No need to apologise for that. It's a loss to you and you can feel it.

But at the same time, how glad will your babies be in times to come that they have their mum and don't have to watch her getting hurt, or be hurt themselves? As hard as it is, better times are coming and it's already begun.

Flowers
sadpapercourtesan · 01/01/2022 00:27

Keep posting in here whenever you need a bit of strength, OP. You're amazing, courageous and your children are lucky to have you xx

LizzieVereker · 01/01/2022 00:28

You have taken the first few steps towards an amazing future, that is wonderful and so brave. It won’t be easy but you will do it. Take the practical advice above. You are enough 💐

Toddlerteaplease · 01/01/2022 00:30

If you take him back, your baby will be placed in foster care, as you cannot keep them safe.

PickAChew · 01/01/2022 00:32

No, no similar experience but I would be glad of enforced space between me and such a crap excuse of a man.

Devilmakes3 · 01/01/2022 00:34

Your feelings are your feelings and they need to be experienced but they are not the whole picture here.

This guy will never stop abusing you, my 78 year old FIL is physically abusive still he locked SIL into a room this year and pulled a machete on DH when he confronted him. He still abuses MIL daily who has stayed all these years. Please, please stay strong. You don’t deserve this. Get out now. Don’t ruin your whole life on this man.

mumsiedarlingrevolta · 01/01/2022 00:36

oh @WeyAyeMan my heart is breaking for you

But you are strong and you will do this for you and your children

we are all behind you

Marianne1234 · 01/01/2022 00:39

I think you’re amazing, OP. You’ve got this 💪

Take your beautiful babies and sail off into the sunset.

JaniceBattersby · 01/01/2022 00:40

I sit in court for a lot of these cases OP. One very similar to yours in my local court was recently given an eight year extended sentence and deemed to be a dangerous offender.

Please do not underestimate how lucky your escape has been. You only get one life. This is your chance now to get this man out of yours.

Well done for taking this first step. I hope they demand him in custody so you can get on with healing.

user1493494961 · 01/01/2022 00:44

Wishing you a very happy new year OP.

KeeG8181 · 01/01/2022 00:45

Happy New Year OP. I'm currently in the same abusive cycle you have been in. 2022 is our year. The year we survived. Xxx

Queenie6655 · 01/01/2022 00:47

Op

The advise on here is great

Many wise words

With regards to fostering your dogs please dm me and I can try to support wit. This

You sound so strong in so many ways

Sending you the best wishes

WizbitsLeftEye · 01/01/2022 00:48

You're going to be alright. It might not seem it yet, but you're doing great.

If you have to move, or have to go into refuge, you'll get through it.

Your babies can cope with a little upheaval while this is all sorted.

I came out the other side of this twice, with the help of two refuges, lots of women's aid volunteers, social services and some wonderful friends.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Your ex is sick in the head and none of this is your fault.

Have a happier new year x

Chickmad · 01/01/2022 00:53

Happy New Year @WeyAyeMan

I spent NYE of 2005 grieving for my abusive Ex and the relationship I had lost...a relationship that wasn't really real.

Things seemed very hopeless then, and I felt that I had failed my children. That I had let them down by not being able to stick it out. I knew nothing of trauma bonding or narcissistic behaviour.

Now many many years have passed I realise that I wish we had separated sooner. That damage had already been done to my little ones.

You are being so strong for your babies. And hopefully your LO will never have the memory of the bruises on your face.

My now hulking great kids understand what happened and are proud of what we achieved as a little family unit of our own. Yours will be too!

Don't minimise his behaviour. Don't make excuses.

Be proud of yourself when you stand up and bear witness to his vile behaviour. You are doing it for your children and yourself and your future....one baby step at a time.

The advice on here is brilliant. And there are some very knowledgeable and supportive hand holders who will help every step of the way.

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