Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair?

383 replies

Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:02

Just a bit of advice really.
I'm at work and thinking about something I saw last night on DH ipad.

Our marriage hasn't been great and lockdown has made it worse.
I was actually considering if we should continue. Nothing particularly bad but I feel we have grown apart too much.

Anyway last night I couldn't sleep so went downstairs at 1am and DH had left his ipad on the kitchen table.
Opened it (innocently) to browse MN and came across imessages.

In a nutshell he has been speaking to a woman for 6 months.
Hours and hours every day.
Mainly evening time as I go to bed early to be up for work at 4am.

From what I can gather, they know eachother through work but don't work directly together.
I've had a look at her Facebook and I don't recognise her. It would seem she is in a relationship too. He has never mentioned her either.

Last night they sent over 100 messages.
Pretty mundane stuff really
New year plans, work, TV etc.

They've sent photos nothing sexual but there are a lot.

They are quite suggestive on a few but not very direct.
Like she mentions his tight jeans on his photo.
He mentions her dress but with a winky face and says it made him feel flustered.

They have not once mentioned me or her apparent partner
But have mentioned I'm passing.
She has one toddler
We have 3 older dc

I'm not sure what to make of it.
They clearly fancy eachother with the photo comments etc
But it isn't sexual and not like they're discussing the lows of their current relationships.
It almost seems friendly but with a subtle undertone.

For me that for 6 months they have messaged eachother every day.
Including Christmas
And speak for hours.

Is this an emotional affair? Or just an unhealthy friendship? Confused

OP posts:
Bowwowwowoh · 04/01/2022 14:08

Mutual ego-massaging is what's going on @Tic221

Original poster
Tic221 · 04/01/2022 14:09

@Mumof3confused things have gone severely downhill since the start of covid and his attitude at the time really made me question who he was. I put it down to him being worried about his job but now it would seem he is just a horrible person.
On nye when they thanked the NHS on the countdown he rolled his eyes.

I know a lot of people are fed up of the NHS (and I do get it) but I just feel like it is one thing after another with him.

In fact how attitude towards me is now making sense. I've spent the last few months thinking I've put weight on, I'm always at work, he's stressed etc but now I know it is because of all of this.

OP posts:
Mumof3confused · 04/01/2022 14:12

That’s really disrespectful to you.

Original poster
Tic221 · 04/01/2022 14:15

@HaggisBurger no neither of them have mentioned meeting up at all. Which I find odd. But then it seems to be getting more intense by the day so I feel it isn't faraway

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 04/01/2022 14:16

Can you see call history on the ipad? Is it possible they are also talking on the phone?

Needrichangemynameagain · 04/01/2022 14:16

.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2022 14:19

[quote Tic221]@Mumof3confused things have gone severely downhill since the start of covid and his attitude at the time really made me question who he was. I put it down to him being worried about his job but now it would seem he is just a horrible person.
On nye when they thanked the NHS on the countdown he rolled his eyes.

I know a lot of people are fed up of the NHS (and I do get it) but I just feel like it is one thing after another with him.

In fact how attitude towards me is now making sense. I've spent the last few months thinking I've put weight on, I'm always at work, he's stressed etc but now I know it is because of all of this.[/quote]
It sounds like he's so pathetic he has a sort of contempt for people he knows are more successful or even just nicer / more productive members of society than him doesn't it?

That contempt for you has seeped through with the whole 'waah nobody looked after me when I was ill' BS he fed her even though you were perfectly supportive when he was ill.

I'm glad to hear you're getting the ick from his messages now!

Bowwowwowoh · 04/01/2022 14:21

I really want to know what book they spent hours discussing - but that's me being nosey.

How does she function if she's up until the early hours messaging?!

Original poster
Tic221 · 04/01/2022 14:23

I've looked at the call log on the phone and can't see anything.
Maybe he deletes it but he doesn't seem to be careful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 04/01/2022 14:25

@youvegottenminuteslynn yes he is like that. He's always been a little like that but more and more recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 04/01/2022 14:30

@Bowwowwowoh everything and anything.

From what they've had to eat that day to talking about how much they love Greece.
I felt like they were planning a fantasy holiday to Greece on one of the message stints.
Nothing concrete but more what they'd like to do.
It is really hard to write down what they mean but it was like " then we could go there, sunbathe, and how about here"
But they said it without what I can only describe as any intention of planning anything.

Sorry if that doesn't make sense but I know know I mean.
Like fantasy land

OP posts:
WanderingLost167 · 04/01/2022 14:33

So, thinking about my experience with this, I don't think it is in anyway premeditated, I don't think he's had an evil plan all along, this reminds me of the analogy used by an earlier poster - the slow boiling frog.

This has been a slow developing thing by sounds of it, and the dynamic and attraction building over time. This doesn'tale it better for you, but I expect its what he's felt and what might say if challenged - he had no ulterior motives, it was just a friendship. Thing is, those lines move and boundaries dissolve over time.

As for how much he is thinking about you... He's probably not really. He's thinking about her, this dynamic, he may not mean to cause you harm (in fact it's likely in his head he's downplayed the whole thing to such a point he thinks he's not).

Or... If there's pain to you involved, in his mind it may be deserved, another thing to perhaps expect when you confront him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2022 14:34

[quote Tic221]@youvegottenminuteslynn yes he is like that. He's always been a little like that but more and more recently.[/quote]
Pathetic, that type aren't they?

My ex cheated on me and blamed it on feeling emasculated that I earned more than him.

It seems it was preferable to him to continue leeching of his parents and shag someone else to solve him feeling emasculated rather than doing what I did, working my arse off and taking a risk to set up my own business. Easier to shag than to graft!

supersop60 · 04/01/2022 14:39

@Lifeisnteasy

Not really no *@youvegottenminuteslynn*

Although it’s very close

It doesn't have to be seating to be cheating. This man is emotionally invested in this other woman. Giving time and attention to someone outside the marriage. Lying about his wife. Lying TO his wife (by ommission) about this other person. I'd say that was cheating.
Myrrfect · 04/01/2022 14:42

@Tic221

I can only say how much I admire your strength. And I hope the sale goes through quickly.

Myrrfect · 04/01/2022 14:43

It does sound like he doesn’t realise what he’s doing and would be shocked to be thought of as cheating but there you go… he is

supersop60 · 04/01/2022 14:51

@Myrrfect

It does sound like he doesn’t realise what he’s doing and would be shocked to be thought of as cheating but there you go… he is
I think he does realise. Why else are these messages happening late at night, in secret? When my DP did something similar, it was all 'nothing's happened'. However it had happened in his head! OP - stay strong, stay quiet and carry on with your house plans. You don't need this - life is too short, and we only get one go at it. Good luck.
Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/01/2022 14:52

The more you say , the more I don’t think you can go back
It’s not just the sexting is it
It’s the lack of support , the delegation of family life and his pathetic behaviour because you earn more
He’s definitely given himself some permission here to misbehave as he feels inadequate and has taken retreat in this online affair
Tosser
And I’m sorry you have lost so much weight
I’m amazed he hasn’t picked up on that
Again - tosser

And he will have the rug pulled from him when you confront
I think he’ll be the type to beg and crawl rather than gaslight , and what do I know

CornishTiger · 04/01/2022 14:53

He really isn’t very clever is he?

Keep gathering evidence. Make a plan and separate.

desperatehousewife21 · 04/01/2022 15:13

The more you’ve described his overall character the more he just sounds so pathetic, and this ow for falling for it all especially if she has a DP. What a couple of toads.

It absolutely now sounds like he’s chasing an ego boost, wants to feel wanted and manly. Except this whole text chain is making him look anything but.

You’ll be well shot of him op in the end, you sound driven and hard working and deserve so much more.

JangolinaPitt · 04/01/2022 15:17

Like fantasy land
That is exactly it.
So sorry you are going through this.
My STBXH did this and was completely shocked when I ended our marriage. Redness to say the EA fizzled put in the cold light of day.

inksinkbink · 04/01/2022 15:19

I know this is horrendous for you but you really must stop reading the messages. You know enough now. Each extra message is an extra wound. Be firm with yourself and stop as it will become a painful, heartbreaking addiction. The sooner you tell him you know the sooner this terrible period will stop. This is so bad for your well-being to be caught in this limbo state.

WatchMyChops · 04/01/2022 15:28

I hope his family know that he spent almost the entirety of an inheritance in himself and that he couldn’t afford to buy anything for his children, his wife or for any of them for that matter. He’s probably going to try to rewrite history. That comment about it being nice that someone cared when you’ve been there taking care of him and bringing him tea etc., just left a sick taste in my mouth. You’re better off without him.

Muthalucka · 04/01/2022 15:55

I’m so sorry op. This is shit.

CrumpetswithMarmite · 04/01/2022 16:00

I'm so sorry to hear of all this - you have a new lens now to see things for what they are at least... You'll probably find yourself rethinking everything in a new light. Eyes wide open now. That is at least empowering as shit as the situation is xx