Emotional affair?

[Tic221]

Just a bit of advice really.
I'm at work and thinking about something I saw last night on DH ipad.

Our marriage hasn't been great and lockdown has made it worse.
I was actually considering if we should continue. Nothing particularly bad but I feel we have grown apart too much.

Anyway last night I couldn't sleep so went downstairs at 1am and DH had left his ipad on the kitchen table.
Opened it (innocently) to browse MN and came across imessages.

In a nutshell he has been speaking to a woman for 6 months.
Hours and hours every day.
Mainly evening time as I go to bed early to be up for work at 4am.

From what I can gather, they know eachother through work but don't work directly together.
I've had a look at her Facebook and I don't recognise her. It would seem she is in a relationship too. He has never mentioned her either.

Last night they sent over 100 messages.
Pretty mundane stuff really
New year plans, work, TV etc.

They've sent photos nothing sexual but there are a lot.

They are quite suggestive on a few but not very direct.
Like she mentions his tight jeans on his photo.
He mentions her dress but with a winky face and says it made him feel flustered.

They have not once mentioned me or her apparent partner
But have mentioned I'm passing.
She has one toddler
We have 3 older dc

I'm not sure what to make of it.
They clearly fancy eachother with the photo comments etc
But it isn't sexual and not like they're discussing the lows of their current relationships.
It almost seems friendly but with a subtle undertone.

For me that for 6 months they have messaged eachother every day.
Including Christmas
And speak for hours.

Is this an emotional affair? Or just an unhealthy friendship?

oh wow what a dick. Deffo emotional affair heading toward maybe more?

[quote Tic221]@HaggisBurger no neither of them have mentioned meeting up at all. Which I find odd. But then it seems to be getting more intense by the day so I feel it isn't faraway[/quote]
Your description of how they are getting off on a kind of fantasy trip to Greece etc makes total sense. They are keeping it theoretical until … they don’t. And one suggests a meet up. “Just to talk” would be my guess of the script …

Btw you can speed up your exchange by letting your buyer, estate agent, solicitor et. know that you need to exchange by X date (if you think you can do this on the QT). A lot of people just let a house sale “happen” in its own sweet time - whereas it is possible to progress things (nicely). Your estate agent should have a progression person who can advised on deadlines for things like buyers survey, valuation etc. You might want to dress this up to your OH as having heard that prices are due to soften in your area in next few months so you want to get this wrapped up …Unfortunately you will have to tread carefully about what you say to your conveyancing solicitor as they will be acting for both of you. Wishing you luck.

Good luck OP. What a horrendous way to come into the new year xx

I got a significant promotion at work last year (which I'm so thankful for now) and since then he has passed comments about me earning more than him but not in a happy way. I think he feels bitter as for his new job he had to take a cut. In November this year he told me he couldn't contribute to Christmas at all. Including dc presents because of the pay cut. Now,. I would almost accept this as it was such a big cut but 2 months before that he spent most of an inheritance he had on a fancy motorbike (that he doesn't need) but had no means to help me with the financial burden of Christmas.

This would infuriate me: it was ok for him to earn more, but not ok for you. And it's ok to treat himself to a very expensive item he didn't need, in spite of his own pay cut and feeling bitter about your improved salary, and then 'punish' you and make you foot Christmas for your mutual children and his relatives. WTH?!

I would be very resentful of all that, especially if he's getting petty over phone contacts, etc.

I would also be mindful that it's a red flag as to what life will be like when you do drop the bombshell on him that you know he's having an emotional affair that's clearly headed for a physical one and/or plans to leave you ... he won't give 2 shits about his kids and the need to cover childcare so you can keep working your shift hours. You definitely need to be on task ensuring your hours are during childcare availability hours since he will deliberately make life difficult for you by the sounds of it.

He's a rat, dedicating all his thoughts, time and energy on cultivating a new relationship while ignoring the woman he married and thinking about how his behaviour will affect his family long term.

Glad you're seeing a solicitor. Keep digging and taking pics of documents and account numbers, etc.

He is a very unfair, disloyal and ungrateful rat.

With your determination op, he is going to turn into a very sorry looking rat.

You are amazing.

What a slime ball. I really would love you to pack his bags and throw him out.

@PopsicleHustler

What a slime ball. I really would love you to pack his bags and throw him out.

Me too!

OP I realise why you are biding your time but my god, you've got more resolve than me... I would struggle to control my rage tbh

You're amazing.
He's a douchebag. And so is she.

If I was on the other side of it, I'd want my partner to just leave me straight away if they met someone else. I've said that frankly to my new bf from day one, affairs do cause so much pain

@Stationfork

How do you know affairs cause so much pain, you havn't been on the recieving end of that pain, you were inflicting it !

You hurt another woman, knowingly and even now you're thinking of your affair partner's pain. This shows you just don't get it.

You also don't understand the army of women who are here to support op when they have to read the obvious you state.

We know all about it, we just can't understand the brass cheek of ow trying to justify it. You don't help, you're just a reminder of the horrible people who don't give a shit about others.

It's horrible to watch it unfold OP. I don't think I could not say anything and wait to see how far they take it though. I know you're worried about the house. I think I'd rather ask him about it and then pretend you're willing to try to work on things - I'd bet he'd be willing as this woman hasn't really given him anything concrete.

I think I'd at least have to say that a message came through from someone called xxx and you wondered who it was - I would really want to know how he'd answer that one. Then I'd ask if you can see his messaging history.

There is another aspect to this op and that's your safety.

I hope he's not the volatile sort because men can tend to lose control, especially as you are going to hit him when you've sorted it all out financially (not that he doesn't deserve it)

Just make sure you're safe and tell him with others around if he could possibly turn nasty.

Take care

Sorry OP, I don’t have words of wisdom or words to comfort but I just hope you are alright and just know that this will only make you a better and more compassionate person in the future having experienced something like this. My Mum always told me that things like this will help you to be there when your children need you and go through something similar, whether it’s a natural breakup or a bereavement. Reading this has truly troubled me, just try and find something small to enjoy for yourself each day

I feel so sorry that you’re going through this op. Reading your posts I felt so tremendously angry on your behalf, that I started shooting my own poor husband daggers.

Anyway, stay strong. You’ve just realised that this “man” is a waste of your precious time. If you can palm him off onto another woman, I’d say that was a win!

Your posts have touched so many people. There are some beautiful messages.

It is a fantasy. What makes me sad is if she wavered....I suspect it would become more.

Of all, his attitude to your career shocks me most. Good people don't do that at all, let alone directly to you.

There is nothing...nothing...in your response, posts or decisions which shows the slightest fault. I suspect everyone reading this knows...I probably wouldn't handle it as well.

If you reach the point where you don't 'handle it well ie let your hurt and anger out...please know that is also OK.

I really hope you can take care and be OK.

I'm sorry OP - what a horrible start to the New Year. I think you're doing the best thing keeping quiet, even though it's hard. Try not to let him get the ipad either so he doesn't realise you can see the messages. x

Op, he feels shit about himself (that's on no-one but him).

You make him feel this more acutely because you are good, loyal, kind and a hard worker, and to cap it all you've now been recognised for that and rewarded with your promotion.

She makes him feel better because she is none of the things you are and is therefore massaging his ego. That is not a good foundation on which to build a relationship.

It is also a very good reason for you to walk away, and surround yourself with people who recognise what a gem you are and celebrate it with you, not resent you for it.

I'm so sorry @Tic221 but my god you are handling this SO well. How are you doing today?

Men and their desire for a woman to be around constantly massaging their fragile fucking egos! So precious to them that they happily destroy families for it - you are doing well OP - I’d be spitting bullets.

This is 100% an emotional affair, and whilst it isn't physical (that you know of) it's still not ok and it still hurts. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's so hard.

I've recently had a similar situation with my husband, and we are now separated (lots of other things were hidden from me).

I would confront your husband on this issue. If he truly wants your marriage to work he will cut all ties with this woman. If he isn't prepared to do that then leave that asshole and realise your worth.

OP, whole situation is shit, I sincerely wish you peace and steadfastness in this fucking ordeal you've been given to deal with. You do you and take care of yourself. I believe you got this like so many on here and can 100% make it through.

So sorry OP that you're dealing with this. You've got nerves of steel! Good luck.

So sorry, OP.

Yes, they're painting a fantasy world. This is their escape.

It will most likely blow over at some point but it's blown your world apart.

Keep a lid on it. Say nothing. Let the house exchange.

Sending 💪 op
You’ll get through this
But god it’s hard
I know it’s a cheesy phrase but do practice self care especially now you are back at work
You know the drill

So sorry you are going through this, you must be in utter turmoil. It is devastating.

Agree you have nerves of steel. I would have said something straight away I think…although not sure we really know how we will react in this situation until we are in it.

Hope the house sale goes through quickly OP. It must be torture reading their messages and not saying anything.

Hoping the legal advice on Friday is helpful too.

I see immaturity and mean-spiritedness. And misogyny. It seems you aren’t a team unless he has the higher income.

He resents your promotion/accomplishments and is ‘making you pay,’ both literally and figuratively: the digs and pettiness, the financial manipulation and zero contribution at Christmas, the withdrawal of support and mocking your trauma as you treat and save patients. And, of course, the lying about you to his shiny new girlfriend.

What a small man he is…and a poor role model for your boys. This is a despicable way to treat their devoted mother. He should be modeling marital equality, kindness, loyalty, and support.

It was particularly jarring to read their ‘pillow talk,’ when OW sent him to bed because ‘the boys will be up soon,’ like this is her family and her business. Shame on him for violating all of you with his infidelity.

Good luck with the solicitor on Friday, Tic. You’ve taken charge of your narrative, and are making such productive progress.

[quote Tic221]@HaggisBurger no neither of them have mentioned meeting up at all. Which I find odd. But then it seems to be getting more intense by the day so I feel it isn't faraway[/quote]
Hi op I just wanted to say how well your handling this . This happened to me with my ex of ten years . We have a daughter together also . This happened to me over the Christmas period too . I lost the plot over it . The women had the police on to me for threatening her and I also kicked my ex out . They got together for a while but guess what .... it didn't last . Obviously the excitement wasn't real when they were legit and no sneaking about . If I could turn back time I wouldn't of reacted the way I did . I think I let myself down . If I could turn back time . I would sit down one evening waiting for him to text on his phone and casually say oh by the way you can tell ...... that you are actually a free man from tonight so you two can finally meet up . Say it calm as hell . See what he does . Guarantee you he will be lost for words . Do not lose it . This will get to him so much more thinking you don't care . Then it is up to you what you want to do with the relationship. But op from experience this is never going to leave you and when ever he is on his phone you will always he worrying . Leave him please . I know how hard it is but he is the one who has ruined everything not you . Also all this crap of them having a connection is complete crap so do not feel down about it anymore . It's called mirroring . They infact have nothing in common .let us know how your doing op ❤️