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Original poster

Emotional affair?

383 replies

Tic221 · 31/12/2021 14:02

Just a bit of advice really.
I'm at work and thinking about something I saw last night on DH ipad.

Our marriage hasn't been great and lockdown has made it worse.
I was actually considering if we should continue. Nothing particularly bad but I feel we have grown apart too much.

Anyway last night I couldn't sleep so went downstairs at 1am and DH had left his ipad on the kitchen table.
Opened it (innocently) to browse MN and came across imessages.

In a nutshell he has been speaking to a woman for 6 months.
Hours and hours every day.
Mainly evening time as I go to bed early to be up for work at 4am.

From what I can gather, they know eachother through work but don't work directly together.
I've had a look at her Facebook and I don't recognise her. It would seem she is in a relationship too. He has never mentioned her either.

Last night they sent over 100 messages.
Pretty mundane stuff really
New year plans, work, TV etc.

They've sent photos nothing sexual but there are a lot.

They are quite suggestive on a few but not very direct.
Like she mentions his tight jeans on his photo.
He mentions her dress but with a winky face and says it made him feel flustered.

They have not once mentioned me or her apparent partner
But have mentioned I'm passing.
She has one toddler
We have 3 older dc

I'm not sure what to make of it.
They clearly fancy eachother with the photo comments etc
But it isn't sexual and not like they're discussing the lows of their current relationships.
It almost seems friendly but with a subtle undertone.

For me that for 6 months they have messaged eachother every day.
Including Christmas
And speak for hours.

Is this an emotional affair? Or just an unhealthy friendship? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 04/01/2022 12:35

They did message last night.

He told her he had been thinking of her snd then sent the licking lips emoji (honestly, I can't believe I'm having to type this about a 45 year old man) and she said tell me more.
He said " I enjoyed it, that's all there is to know"
.she sent the blushing emoji Hmm

And then it went back to pretty mundane stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tic221 · 04/01/2022 12:39

And no I would rather not see what they say to eachother but at the same time I can't help but look.

At first to prove to myself it was probably innocent but now to see how little he thinks of me really.
I need that hurt to make me proactive.
The last 2 nights they've just made me cringe really and I think he comes across as a pathetic idiot.

OP posts:
ProudThrilledHappy · 04/01/2022 12:42

Not paying for dcs Christmas presents is pretty disgusting. It’s like a slow checking out of the family. Stop paying for his share of things for a start, if there are any birthdays coming up in his family leave him to it. It does sound like a bit of resentment growing toward you but that could also be down to him trying to vilify you to justify his actions with her.

Their messages sound disgusting OP and I am in awe of your strength to keep your cool in the face if it

Original poster
Tic221 · 04/01/2022 12:44

At times I've hated my job but I think it has taught me to put on a brave face and pretend I feel okay

There have been many times I've cried on the way home from work after seeing something upsetting etc and I've always left that feeling in the car.
I can cry all the way home and then go in and be normal as I don't like to take it home.
The only time I ever did the opposite was when covid kicked off and I cried all the time. Which he told me I was being silly over (while working from home)
This was at the beginning when I genuinely believed I was going to bring covid home and kill everyone.

I think I have just learned to put on a smile when I don't feel like smiling.
So I do feel strangely in control

I think after it will all come out and I'll cry a lot.

OP posts:
Yummypumpkin · 04/01/2022 12:49

It's not even that he thinks so little of you...but that he clearly doesn't seem to think of anyone but himself.

It's a fault in him, but it's not the sort of fault at 45 that is work through-able.

SarahBop · 04/01/2022 12:54

I feel so sorry for you.

I have been betrayed and the pain is unbearable.

I was going to say it sounds like your Husband may be experiencing a Midlife Crisis. The messaging sounds like an ego boost. Not making excuses, but if he's in 'poor me' mode and feels he is lacking attention...he is clearly trying to get some.
You're a busy working mum - sounds like neither of you get any decent time with one another, along came this shiny new toy who is stroking his ego a bit, and voila, emotional affair.

I am not justifying his behaviour AT ALL - but I am trying to explain that there is always a deeper issue behind peoples behaviour. It's not to say your marriage isn't salvageable; marriage counselling could be an option? But he would absolutely have to cut ties with this woman and commit to working on you too.

Do not let him gaslight you - he has absolutely crossed a line and you are more than entitled to be flipping furious!!

Can you reply back from the ipad? I'd have been so tempted to respond to her pics saying Oh you look lovely, I'm sure your boyfriend is lucky to have you, now leave my husband the fuck alone!

Although it does sound like your Husband is being a crawley desperate bugger towards her too.
One of my friends husbands is overly flattering to other women, and I've always found it cringey - he would often 'heart' womens profile pictures and I felt it was a bit of a sign he fancied this woman.. Some men are just fools!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2022 13:12

@Tic221

They did message last night.

He told her he had been thinking of her snd then sent the licking lips emoji (honestly, I can't believe I'm having to type this about a 45 year old man) and she said tell me more.
He said " I enjoyed it, that's all there is to know"
.she sent the blushing emoji Hmm

And then it went back to pretty mundane stuff.

@Lifeisnteasy

Unfortunately this is now undeniable sexting territory 😞

Poor OP.

OP you sound like you're doing so well, getting advice and getting your head straight before letting him know you know. You should be really proud of yourself Thanks

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2022 13:16

I got a significant promotion at work last year (which I'm so thankful for now) and since then he has passed comments about me earning more than him but not in a happy way.

God he is pathetic, being unhappy and jealous instead of proud of you for a brilliant achievement.

Mumof3confused · 04/01/2022 13:20

‘^^The only time I ever did the opposite was when covid kicked off and I cried all the time. Which he told me I was being silly over (while working from home)
This was at the beginning when I genuinely believed I was going to bring covid home and kill everyone.’

This was way before the contact started with this OW but this lack of support or understanding, to me would be a massive issue. How happy were you in your marriage pre-covid?

Bowwowwowoh · 04/01/2022 13:23

He sounds like an absolute bell-end (sorry OP).

All sorts of theories can be presented explaining why he's doing it. It does sound to me like classic mid-life crisis, needing to know he's still got 'it', and some emasculation he's feeling. At the end of the day, though, these explanations count for nowt as he's a grown-up and he should know the right way to conduct himself.

BackInBlackAgain · 04/01/2022 13:24

That is how it starts OP, they strike up a friendship, all platonic and normal and then throw in the odd compliment or winky face emoji to see how the other responds, if the other person doesnt respond to it or glosses over they carry on with the platonic and then try again with the compliment etc to see if they get a different reaction and if they do as in the other person responds, they then start to increase the sleazy comments, the compliments, the love heart emojis etc, then the sexting starts.

I know what you are going through, it broke my heart.

mrsbitaly · 04/01/2022 13:26

I would be concerned if they were messaging at this volume and regularly . If there was nothing to hide and I don't mean physically why wait until you are in bed and why not mention it or even introduce you to her if she is a friend now?

I find these things start off as innocent but can build into something else I really hope I am wrong

HaggisBurger · 04/01/2022 13:32

@mrsbitaly

I would be concerned if they were messaging at this volume and regularly . If there was nothing to hide and I don't mean physically why wait until you are in bed and why not mention it or even introduce you to her if she is a friend now?

I find these things start off as innocent but can build into something else I really hope I am wrong

Probably need to read the 12 pages and OPs updates to see that it is certainly not innocent … even if not actually physical.

@Tic221 do they ever suggest meeting you or seeing each other in person?

HaggisBurger · 04/01/2022 13:33
  • meeting up! Clearly not “meeting you” as you’ve clearly been whitewashed out of the picture so as to minimise uncomfortable reality for them both. I don’t doubt she knows he’s married etc etc it’s just not spoken of.
Stationfork · 04/01/2022 13:33

I'm so so sorry OP that you are going through this.

I'm also in no way proud of this but I was the OW previously and it all went really wrong. Like your husband it started with a close friend I was working with (all day every day) and our friendship became more intense.

I left my DH before anything happened between us as we'd both said we wanted to. We had a short but intense affair and he never left his wife. I ended it in the end when it became clear he never would and I moved on.

Sadly his wife found out months later and despite taking him back continues to punish him every single day. It's horrible. We never have any contact but occasionally I'll see him from afar and he looks broken.

I'm not trying to justify his behaviour, it wasn't right. But we just fell for each other and didn't ever mean for it to happen or for it to devastate anyone

You sound

HaggisBurger · 04/01/2022 13:35

@Stationfork if you have no contact with your AP how on earth would you know his wife punishes him every single day for his affair??? Poor poor him.

Stationfork · 04/01/2022 13:36

Sorry phone playing up.

You sound as if you have no intention of staying with him anyway, sounds best to separate, you move forward continuing to be amazing and know that despite anything he says in the future, it isn't your fault.

Maybe he went out looking for it, maybe he didn't, but sometimes connections just happen with people when we least expect it.

If I was on the other side of it, I'd want my partner to just leave me straight away if they met someone else. I've said that frankly to my new bf from day one, affairs do cause so much pain.

I never thought I'd be the type of person to have one though, until I met that one particular man. It was a very confusing time.

Stationfork · 04/01/2022 13:37

Mutual friends is how I know. We still work for the same organisation but in different locations now.

SarahBop · 04/01/2022 13:38

@Stationfork

I'm so so sorry OP that you are going through this.

I'm also in no way proud of this but I was the OW previously and it all went really wrong. Like your husband it started with a close friend I was working with (all day every day) and our friendship became more intense.

I left my DH before anything happened between us as we'd both said we wanted to. We had a short but intense affair and he never left his wife. I ended it in the end when it became clear he never would and I moved on.

Sadly his wife found out months later and despite taking him back continues to punish him every single day. It's horrible. We never have any contact but occasionally I'll see him from afar and he looks broken.

I'm not trying to justify his behaviour, it wasn't right. But we just fell for each other and didn't ever mean for it to happen or for it to devastate anyone

You sound

@Stationfork If you have no contact, how do you know his wife punishes him every single day?!
Bowwowwowoh · 04/01/2022 13:39

One person's 'wife punishing him every day' is another person's 'wife feeling distraught, devastated, depressed every day'. Poor wife.

ProudThrilledHappy · 04/01/2022 13:45

@Stationfork if he looks broken imagine how his wife felt.

If life is so hard with her he could always leave, but surprise surprise so many men won’t leave a partner until they’ve comfortably feathered a nest somewhere else

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2022 13:45

@Bowwowwowoh

One person's 'wife punishing him every day' is another person's 'wife feeling distraught, devastated, depressed every day'. Poor wife.
Yeah this @Stationfork

You've no idea what goes on behind closed doors, at all.

padsi1975 · 04/01/2022 13:51

His wife punishes him every single day? Oh my good God! So not only did he cheat, he now moans to 3rd parties about how he's being punished and that gossip finds its way back to the OW? Isn't he the gift that keeps on giving?!

padsi1975 · 04/01/2022 13:53

Sorry, this thread is being derailed. OP, I am sorry for you having to read such gross messages but I think you're right to read them. A) better to know and b) you can screen shot and then he can't gaslight you. But the situation is grim, I'm so sorry.

Original poster
Tic221 · 04/01/2022 14:05

I'll actually say this looks like it started fairly innocent.
The messages 6 months ago wouldn't have bothered me. They were fairly infrequent and normal
So as angry as I am, I can sort of see how they start as friendship.
That said they're both adults and know what they're doing is fucking pathetic and damaging.
I've lost half a stone since I've found out.

OP posts: