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Original poster

[TW] my new boyfriend just told me he was accused of sexual assault

128 replies

deceasedx · 30/12/2021 21:36

Hi guys, I just found this place and I'm really looking for some help in finding the right thing to do here.
I recently met a guy off of Tinder and things have been going extremely well up until this point. We went on several dates where he seemed to be a very sweet and kind person, and we recently decided to make things official between the two of us. That aside, I was aware that his ex was a touchy subject to him from the beginning and I obviously didn't want to pry at first. It wasn't until the other day when we were on the phone that I finally felt it was fine to ask what happened. That's when he dropped the major bomb that his ex had accused him of sexual assault. I was completely caught off guard as I was expecting him to tell me that she had cheated or something similar to that. He, obviously, claims that he didn't do anything and that there was no severe legal action taken. However, that doesn't completely ease my mind. I'm a firm supporter of always believing the victim first. With that being said, I don't have any access to the full story at all. As for his story, he told me that the two of them were making out when she told him that she wasn't in the mood for anything sexual in that moment. His account goes that he didn't push from that point on and later asked her to perform a specific act for him. She first obliged, then said she was no longer interested and they both stopped what they were doing. Days later, she began acting distant, said that she had felt like she had to do what she did out of fear, and then went to the courthouse where she must've filed some form of complaint that kept them separated for a few days. That's the only information I have and I don't know how I could go about talking to this girl myself. I certainly don't want to be associating with someone who is capable of something like this; I am not a sympathizer to these types of actions in the slightest. I'm just unsure of what to do because I have no means of knowing the full truth. How am I supposed to know what happened? All opinions are welcomed.

OP posts:
GiantWaterBottle · 30/12/2021 21:43

Oh that's a really hard situation. I don't know OP. Do you get any kind of 'vibe' or feeling about him? Intuition?
Unfortunately false accusations happen all the time. It is not uncommon at all.

I would probably want to discuss it more. I'd say to him that you understand it's a difficult subject but you need to ask some more questions. If he's funny about that then dump immediately. If he's open and understanding, I'd ask things like why he thought she did it, was it genuine and he didn't read the situation properly? Was it vindictive, if so why? Attention seeking? What was she like etc. Also, why he thought she felt afraid.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 30/12/2021 21:45

You will never know OP you weren’t there- personally I’d stop seeing him, he could be innocent but that risk isn’t worth it for someone you’ve started seeing.

oopsyoudiditagain · 30/12/2021 21:46

I'm a firm supporter of always believing the victim first.

If this is true, then you know what to do.
Dump his ass.
Support counts the most when you do the right thing. Even if you have something to lose.

He told you watered down version, what happen from the ex’s point of view is highly likely much worse.

He told you who he is.
His trying to see how low your bar is.

TooWicked · 30/12/2021 21:46

I’d have dumped him by the end of the phone call.

IWillFindYou · 30/12/2021 21:47

False accucations are rare.
Men are more likely to be raped than falsely accused.
He’s a rapist.
Get away from him!

Hb12 · 30/12/2021 21:48

the two of them were making out when she told him that she wasn't in the mood for anything sexual in that moment. His account goes that he didn't push from that point on and later asked her to perform a specific act for him.

Yuck

Rainbowqueeen · 30/12/2021 21:50

You need to prioritise your personal safety. This guy is essentially a stranger to you.

I would end the relationship - give a different reason if you like It is extremely unlikely that what he told you is exactly what happened.

RedCandyApple · 30/12/2021 21:52

Personally it’s early days I would end things

Grizzlydog · 30/12/2021 21:54

You can submit a Claire's law request to the police and they can give you any relevant information about this man.
Asking for a specific sex act after she said she wasn't in the mood is probably all you need to know though

scoobydoo1971 · 30/12/2021 21:55

Apart from Claire's law, google his name and see what comes up under court reports and so on. You maybe surprised what you find out.

Balonder · 30/12/2021 21:56

According to research men are more than 200 times more likely to be raped than to be to be falsely accused of rape

Yummypumpkin · 30/12/2021 21:56

I think his manner in telling you and his treatment of you will tell you a lot.

CSJobseeker · 30/12/2021 21:58

and then went to the courthouse where she must've filed some form of complaint that kept them separated for a few days

Are you in the UK?

I only ask as, if you are, this doesn't ring true at all. Processes will be different in other countries though.

Men who have been falsely accused of sexual assault are really rare. Women who have been sexually assaulted but don't report / no action was taken by the criminal justice system are very common. On that basis, I would give him a swerve.

AngryAtAssholes · 30/12/2021 22:01

Unfortunately false accusations happen all the time. It is not uncommon at all

This is not true. AT ALL.
The exact opposite in fact, for the very reason that the majority of women who are sexually assaulted are more likely to be dismissed as making a false accusation than believed. Even by other women.

It really is shocking just how willing some women are to support men no matter the danger they pose.

But to your query @deceasedx - if he didn’t do what he says he was accused of why would he tell you? If no legal action was taken and he wasn’t jailed/cautioned etc why would he share this rather than just telling you she was a crazy ex?

I suspect this is the lite version of the story so that when you hear what he actually was accused of/did, he will have already set the ground work for you to disbelieve it.

Skiptheheartsandflowers · 30/12/2021 22:08

The question to ask is: why did he tell you? Do you know his ex? Because on the face of it, he could have kept quiet and you wouldn't have known. Which makes me think there's more to this, and that he's worried you'll stumble across some information (online report about his conviction?) or that someone will tell you the full (worse) story, so he decided to try and get his side in first.

On that basis, I would echo the advice about googling and doing some more digging. This 'form of complaint that kept them separated for a few days' sounds like bollocks, for a start, but I'd be looking into that, and proceeding with extreme caution regarding him.

2bazookas · 30/12/2021 22:24

She "went to the courthouse to file a complaint" ????????

Not in UK. In UK, she would have gone to police.

Either, the offence was not in UK; or, there's a big hole in his story.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 30/12/2021 22:27

Unfortunately false accusations happen all the time. It is not uncommon at all.

I would love to see the data supporting this Hmm Everything I’ve read suggests that false accusations are incredibly rare.

HeronLanyon · 30/12/2021 22:29

Yes assume you are in the USA ?
Sorry this has happened.
Good advice above. In particular you will never know the truth.
Wonder why he told you.

Funnylittlefloozie · 30/12/2021 22:32

Are you in the UK? If not, the Claires Law advice won't apply. Personally I'd walk away. There are plenty of good men out there who HAVEN'T been accused of sexual assault, to the point of having restraining orders taken out against them. He may be trying to suss out just how much you'll take. Protect yourself.

user1481840227 · 30/12/2021 22:53

@2bazookas

She "went to the courthouse to file a complaint" ????????

Not in UK. In UK, she would have gone to police.

Either, the offence was not in UK; or, there's a big hole in his story.

I'm in Ireland, I think here it's possible to go to court to get an interim safety order and she wouldn't need to go to the police. That would be in line with the story.

I wonder is it possible she made the allegation of sexual assault as her reason for the safety order or whatever it was that kept them apart, but that she didn't go to the police to report it.

Lordoftheflyingpan · 30/12/2021 22:56

I had a boyfriend tell me that his ex-girlfriend accused him of raping her. She didn’t go to the police but she had obviously discussed it with him.

I think he told me because he genuinely didn’t think he did anything wrong and just wanted to tell me that girls are just crazy like that and he hoped I was “cool”.

I was young at the time and didn’t think too much of it; he was great with me…. In the beginning. Then I saw why she had accused him; he didn’t respect boundaries at all. You said no, or pushed away, or were disinterested and he just didn’t stop. He didn’t care. He’d keep going because “you’ll be fine once we get started”. And then he’d be totally normal and loving. He did not see an issue with how he behaved even when it was explained to him; by more than one person.

I would say him having a previous accusation is a HUGE red flag. He will do the same to you. He might be great now, but how does he react when you disagree with him, or do something he doesn’t like?

JurgensCakeBabyJesus · 30/12/2021 22:59

If you're in England or Wales you can request a Claire's law disclosure from police (I'm not sure how it works in Scotland or NI sorry), because the offence took place against a partner it would be disclosable, although even if the offence isn't against a partner certain other mechanisms can be used for disclosure if the relevant agencies are aware he is in a relationship. False accusations are incredibly rare compared to no conviction for a sexual assault and what he's disclosed is true it's a serious one. I worked for some time with domestic abuse and sexual offenders, partial disclosure is common to get their version of events out there first in case anyone else says anything.

AndTime · 30/12/2021 23:03

I agree that he is worried you will find out and therefore getting his side in early. If you are in the uk do a a Claire's law application ASAP and google his name and town.

Lordoftheflyingpan · 30/12/2021 23:04

I think he could have told you about this accusation to gauge your response to it.

Pinkbonbon · 30/12/2021 23:05

He literally told you she said she was scared of him.

When people tell you shit like that, run.

Sounds like he was coercive in his last relationship. And yes, sexually assaulted his ex.