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Original poster

[TW] my new boyfriend just told me he was accused of sexual assault

128 replies

deceasedx · 30/12/2021 21:36

Hi guys, I just found this place and I'm really looking for some help in finding the right thing to do here.
I recently met a guy off of Tinder and things have been going extremely well up until this point. We went on several dates where he seemed to be a very sweet and kind person, and we recently decided to make things official between the two of us. That aside, I was aware that his ex was a touchy subject to him from the beginning and I obviously didn't want to pry at first. It wasn't until the other day when we were on the phone that I finally felt it was fine to ask what happened. That's when he dropped the major bomb that his ex had accused him of sexual assault. I was completely caught off guard as I was expecting him to tell me that she had cheated or something similar to that. He, obviously, claims that he didn't do anything and that there was no severe legal action taken. However, that doesn't completely ease my mind. I'm a firm supporter of always believing the victim first. With that being said, I don't have any access to the full story at all. As for his story, he told me that the two of them were making out when she told him that she wasn't in the mood for anything sexual in that moment. His account goes that he didn't push from that point on and later asked her to perform a specific act for him. She first obliged, then said she was no longer interested and they both stopped what they were doing. Days later, she began acting distant, said that she had felt like she had to do what she did out of fear, and then went to the courthouse where she must've filed some form of complaint that kept them separated for a few days. That's the only information I have and I don't know how I could go about talking to this girl myself. I certainly don't want to be associating with someone who is capable of something like this; I am not a sympathizer to these types of actions in the slightest. I'm just unsure of what to do because I have no means of knowing the full truth. How am I supposed to know what happened? All opinions are welcomed.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 30/12/2021 23:07

@Hb12

the two of them were making out when she told him that she wasn't in the mood for anything sexual in that moment. His account goes that he didn't push from that point on and later asked her to perform a specific act for him.

Yuck

Basically ' I can't f* you so the least you can do is give me a blow job'

Yep. Gross

Lordoftheflyingpan · 30/12/2021 23:08

@JurgensCakeBabyJesus that’s such a good point re: partial disclosure.

MadeForThis · 30/12/2021 23:21

He sounds awful.

jo55ie · 30/12/2021 23:35

Did he offer this information to you without you asking?
My dh was wrongly accused by an employee who was a cf making up bs to get a payout... for how it was all dealt with I think a close family member told her what to say and do... it all went pear shaped...I always used to believe the victim and I have been a victim myself... but it really hurt seeing my dh go through tons of shite because of a cf who boasted about it all on social media afterwards... I do believe in karma
It is definitely worth speaking about it in depth f2f

dancingstars · 30/12/2021 23:46

As for his story, he told me that the two of them were making out when she told him that she wasn't in the mood for anything sexual in that moment. His account goes that he didn't push from that point on and later asked her to perform a specific act for him.

This tells you everything you need to know. She said no to anything sexual. Instead of listening to her and respecting her boundaries, he asked her to perform a sex act for him. Even by his own account, no doesn't mean no to him, it means let me persuade you until you do what I want. I'd ditch him fast.

BellatricksStrange · 30/12/2021 23:49

This reply has been deleted

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Theunamedcat · 30/12/2021 23:51

I woukd be suspicious he was eroding your boundaries

gannett · 31/12/2021 08:14

It's kind of interesting that even his side of the story doesn't show him in a great light. The usual spiel from a man admitting he was accused of sexual assault is to claim the woman was making it up completely. But he doesn't deny that something not-good happened in a grey area and she legitimately thought it was sexual assault, even if he didn't.

So what I would be asking is:

Why did you ask her to perform a specific act when she'd made it clear she wasn't up for anything sexual? Also, how much later was "later" - half an hour? Two hours?

Why do you think she was afraid of you? What did you do, generally or in that moment, to make her think like that?

Do you regret making a woman feel as though she was assaulted, even if you didn't intend to?

Most importantly: What have you learned from all of this? What mistakes did you make, why did you make them, what are you doing to ensure you don't make them again?

Tarttlet · 31/12/2021 08:39

@user1481840227 you can go to court in the UK to get a non-molestation order without involving the police. It sounds like that's perhaps what's happened here, and if it is it most likely means that he has only made a partial disclosure; a non-molestation order is usually used to prevent violence or harassment, and evidence of abuse is generally required e.g. abusive text messages, photographs of injuries.

@deceasedx - based on the above, it sounds like his behaviour has been a lot worse than he has told you. I would walk away and not look back.

Shoxfordian · 31/12/2021 08:59

It sounds like she said no and he took that to mean the start of the negotiation process not actually no.

Plenty of men around who haven’t been accused of sexual assault so date one of them instead

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2021 09:03

What do you mean no severe legal action? Why is the severity important, there clearly was legal action.

If you believe the victim first, then you’d end This, the fact you’re hesitating means you don’t. And it must have been bad if she reported it, so he’s minimised for you, as you’d expect. No one goes to the police and no one is restrained over the little story you repeated.

Bluntness100 · 31/12/2021 09:03

@Shoxfordian

It sounds like she said no and he took that to mean the start of the negotiation process not actually no.

Plenty of men around who haven’t been accused of sexual assault so date one of them instead

It really doesn’t sound like that.
SmallElephant · 31/12/2021 09:10

I agree with the poster saying that even if his account is completely true (and bear in mind that we all naturally tell a story so that it presents ourselves in the best light), he still doesn't come out of it looking good. If she said she wasn't in the mood for anything sexual, how can he claim that "not pushing it" and "asking her to perform a specific act" are in any way consistent? Unless by "later" he means "several hours later".

TeaStory · 31/12/2021 09:11

Even telling his side of the story, he doesn’t come off well. She said no, so he kept pushing it until she felt coerced? Ew.

EarthSight · 31/12/2021 09:13

@GiantWaterBottle

Oh that's a really hard situation. I don't know OP. Do you get any kind of 'vibe' or feeling about him? Intuition? Unfortunately false accusations happen all the time. It is not uncommon at all.

I would probably want to discuss it more. I'd say to him that you understand it's a difficult subject but you need to ask some more questions. If he's funny about that then dump immediately. If he's open and understanding, I'd ask things like why he thought she did it, was it genuine and he didn't read the situation properly? Was it vindictive, if so why? Attention seeking? What was she like etc. Also, why he thought she felt afraid.

@GiantWaterBottle Where gave you got this idea from?
BurntToastAgain · 31/12/2021 09:20

Oh that's a really hard situation. I don't know OP. Do you get any kind of 'vibe' or feeling about him? Intuition?
Unfortunately false accusations happen all the time. It is not uncommon at all.

False accusations are uncommon.

What is not uncommon is male entitlement and everyone making excuses for it. Even by the details in this guy’s ‘but I’m the victim here’ tale, it’s obvious that he nagged and coerced her into the specific sex act.

Abusers don’t come with handy forehead tattoos warning you. No. They present as people who’d never do that sort of thing - until you’re trapped and the mask slips.

The fact he told you this, and DARVOed it, is a very clear sign that you should run. Fast.

Geriatric1234 · 31/12/2021 09:21

@Hb12

the two of them were making out when she told him that she wasn't in the mood for anything sexual in that moment. His account goes that he didn't push from that point on and later asked her to perform a specific act for him.

Yuck

Agree. Totally yuck.

Even if his story is 100% true, he would give me the mega-icks. What person requests sex-acts from a partner they knew wasn’t in the zone earlier? If you read the subtext it suggests he tried to make her relieve him as she’d got him all wound up earlier. Gross gross gross.

Redcrayons · 31/12/2021 09:23

He’s telling you the sanitised version in which he comes off as a creep.

Redcrayons · 31/12/2021 09:27

@GiantWaterBottle

Oh that's a really hard situation. I don't know OP. Do you get any kind of 'vibe' or feeling about him? Intuition? Unfortunately false accusations happen all the time. It is not uncommon at all.

I would probably want to discuss it more. I'd say to him that you understand it's a difficult subject but you need to ask some more questions. If he's funny about that then dump immediately. If he's open and understanding, I'd ask things like why he thought she did it, was it genuine and he didn't read the situation properly? Was it vindictive, if so why? Attention seeking? What was she like etc. Also, why he thought she felt afraid.

False accusations don’t happen all the time.
Victim blaming and excising shitty behaviour from men on the other hand...
Redcrayons · 31/12/2021 09:27

*excusing

TellMeItsPossible · 31/12/2021 09:28

Disclosing a crime or even just unsavoury behaviour during the early days of dating is a test to see how much the other person is willing to accept.

Whether the story is 100% true or not is immaterial, actually. What matters is- will you pass or fail his test? Meaning, will you stay with him and see what other skeletons he reveals (possibly worse, you were cool with this one after all), or will you put yourself first?

The first test is always followed up with more after - after you've fallen in love, after you've entwined friendship groups, after you've met family, after you've moved in together....

I was once dating a man who casually revealed that when he gets especially angry he throws things and punches walls. I broke it off 4 days later. He told me what he's like, and it was unacceptable to me. The end.

girlmom21 · 31/12/2021 09:32

She said she wasn't in the mood so he asked for a blowjob instead. Is that the kind of bloke you want to be with, regardless of whether charges were brought or not?

Opentooffers · 31/12/2021 09:51

Sorry even in his much abbreviated version it doesn't look good. At best, from his point of view, he conceds that he asked for a sexual act after she had voiced that she was not 'in the mood' for anything sexual. Thus showing at best, that if he is in the mood, his needs trump her feelings - terrible attitude, you should not date anyone who thinks this way.
Then there is the fact he told you about it, clearly because he had to, so this has proceeded criminally - also bad, but you could try the Clare's Law route to get more info ( I'm no expert here).
Personally, I would not touch this with a bargepole with or without a crime, his own words are bad enough - her version will be much worse!

unname · 31/12/2021 09:57

He admitted asking for more after she wasn’t up for it. He thinks that’s normal. So even if nothing more had happened, his attitude is not one of a god partner.

GoodForTheSoul · 31/12/2021 10:01

Agree with others, his version of th story sounds like sexual assault anyway. She said no and "he didn't push" but asked for other sex acts?! So he did push her. And she felt uncomfortable and potentially scared.

He literally told you he did it.