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Original poster

[TW] my new boyfriend just told me he was accused of sexual assault

128 replies

deceasedx · 30/12/2021 21:36

Hi guys, I just found this place and I'm really looking for some help in finding the right thing to do here.
I recently met a guy off of Tinder and things have been going extremely well up until this point. We went on several dates where he seemed to be a very sweet and kind person, and we recently decided to make things official between the two of us. That aside, I was aware that his ex was a touchy subject to him from the beginning and I obviously didn't want to pry at first. It wasn't until the other day when we were on the phone that I finally felt it was fine to ask what happened. That's when he dropped the major bomb that his ex had accused him of sexual assault. I was completely caught off guard as I was expecting him to tell me that she had cheated or something similar to that. He, obviously, claims that he didn't do anything and that there was no severe legal action taken. However, that doesn't completely ease my mind. I'm a firm supporter of always believing the victim first. With that being said, I don't have any access to the full story at all. As for his story, he told me that the two of them were making out when she told him that she wasn't in the mood for anything sexual in that moment. His account goes that he didn't push from that point on and later asked her to perform a specific act for him. She first obliged, then said she was no longer interested and they both stopped what they were doing. Days later, she began acting distant, said that she had felt like she had to do what she did out of fear, and then went to the courthouse where she must've filed some form of complaint that kept them separated for a few days. That's the only information I have and I don't know how I could go about talking to this girl myself. I certainly don't want to be associating with someone who is capable of something like this; I am not a sympathizer to these types of actions in the slightest. I'm just unsure of what to do because I have no means of knowing the full truth. How am I supposed to know what happened? All opinions are welcomed.

OP posts:

Swisscheeseleaves · 31/12/2021 12:49

Not a chance in hell i would be continuing this. You'll be next.

Mybalconyiscracking · 31/12/2021 12:52

I would be wary but give him the benefit of the doubt.

trickyex · 31/12/2021 12:55

Having recently been assaulted by someone I met online (and there having been some red flags I ignored) I would cut this arrangement off immediately.
I was told to report it but am unwilling as I cant face the process.
He has given you a warning, you would be unwise to ignore it.
Please take care of yourself and your safety OP.

liveforsummer · 31/12/2021 12:58

There are sadly so many men like this out there, some out themselves early with the dick pics etc, others sadly you have to find out the hard way. This man is showing who he is without having to experience it, the only benefit he'd be getting is the benefit of the block button

rwalker · 31/12/2021 13:01

As others has said false accusation are rare but not unheard of. Our friends (now ex friends) daughter did one pushed the lad to the point of suicide .

ArdeaCinerea · 31/12/2021 13:04

I find it very bizarre that there are women here who would stick around for a guy like this after hearing a story like that in the early stages. What's the point? He is 99.9% likely to be a rapist based on his own account, but even on the small chance he isn't, why bother to waste your time with him? When there are so many men on planet Earth who are not rapists, and you barely know this guy, and you have no ties to him whatsoever? Err on the side of your own safety and run away from him. Why would you even consider any other option?

Nailsbythesea · 31/12/2021 13:08

She said she wasn’t in the mood for anything sexual and then he asked her later to do a sex act - I’d bin him for this reason alone!

felulageller · 31/12/2021 14:10

Even the way he tells it isn't great. She said no then he asked her to... Give him a BJ?

That's not ok. It's coercion. At best.

Have you tried googling his name? Was he ever charged? If you are in the UK you can use Claire's law to find out about his history. I'd advise doing this. And not being alone with him until you know more of the facts.

Ask him for the paperwork, if he won't disclose it you'll have your answer.

girlmom21 · 31/12/2021 14:14

@rwalker

As others has said false accusation are rare but not unheard of. Our friends (now ex friends) daughter did one pushed the lad to the point of suicide .

His version of events prove he was in the wrong though...

SleepingStandingUp · 31/12/2021 15:27

@Mybalconyiscracking

I would be wary but give him the benefit of the doubt.

So that when she doesn't feel in the mood for full sex she can perform, as his request, sex acts that she's too scared to not do? That's HIS take on it let alone hers

dangerrabbit · 31/12/2021 15:51

Why did he choose to tell you this at this stage? Presumably some of this information is in the public record so he's looking to get his side of the story in first

CharlotteRose90 · 31/12/2021 17:47

So she said she didn’t want anything and he asked for a blow job im guessing. Sorry but that’s disgusting and I’m not surprised she reported him. He clearly doesn’t respect women and you need to run like hell.

Pinkbonbon · 31/12/2021 18:24

@Mybalconyiscracking

I would be wary but give him the benefit of the doubt.

Why? She has only been on a few dates with the guy. Its very new. So why would youbtake a daft risk like that on someone you barely know? Maybe if you were a year in and had had no experience of ill treatment from him. Otherwise, nah, don't take mad risks.

Closetbeanmuncher · 31/12/2021 18:38

I wouldn't continue it, no way.

Someone pushing for a sex act after you've told them no??

Major red flag.

rwalker · 31/12/2021 19:49

@girlmom21
rwalker
As others has said false accusation are rare but not unheard of. Our friends (now ex friends) daughter did one pushed the lad to the point of suicide .

His version of events prove he was in the wrong though...

No the fact he could prove he was somewhere else and her text to her friends saying she'd made it up prove he was innocent and she was vicious dangerous and spiteful.

Sorry to disappoint you that a man was innocent .

BurntToastAgain · 31/12/2021 20:21

[quote rwalker]@girlmom21
rwalker
As others has said false accusation are rare but not unheard of. Our friends (now ex friends) daughter did one pushed the lad to the point of suicide .

His version of events prove he was in the wrong though...

No the fact he could prove he was somewhere else and her text to her friends saying she'd made it up prove he was innocent and she was vicious dangerous and spiteful.

Sorry to disappoint you that a man was innocent .[/quote]
I think the ‘his version of events’ applies to the guy in the OP. His version of events is one in which he didn’t just take ‘i’m not in the mood for sex’ as a no and the woman was fearful about not doing what he wanted.

It’s not really a comparable situation.

Xogozil · 31/12/2021 20:26

Leave it a couple of days and discuss it with him again. If his story changes then the chances are he’s lying.

sweetbellyhigh · 31/12/2021 20:39

@gannett

It's kind of interesting that even his side of the story doesn't show him in a great light. The usual spiel from a man admitting he was accused of sexual assault is to claim the woman was making it up completely. But he doesn't deny that something not-good happened in a grey area and she legitimately thought it was sexual assault, even if he didn't.

So what I would be asking is:

Why did you ask her to perform a specific act when she'd made it clear she wasn't up for anything sexual? Also, how much later was "later" - half an hour? Two hours?

Why do you think she was afraid of you? What did you do, generally or in that moment, to make her think like that?

Do you regret making a woman feel as though she was assaulted, even if you didn't intend to?

Most importantly: What have you learned from all of this? What mistakes did you make, why did you make them, what are you doing to ensure you don't make them again?

My thoughts entirely.

And I have long thought that this is the situation behind many sexual assaults, that the man genuinely doesn't understand the meaning of consent.

I am not suggesting this is ok or excusable, but I do believe there is a huge knowledge gap on both sides about consent.

OP only you know whether or not this is a deal breaker.

I say this as someone who has experienced sexual abuse.

For many women it would be a straight up no because it is too unpalatable/triggering etc.

But from a less emotive place I think that this guy sounds like someone who genuinely does not understand, and who therefore has the potential to change his behaviour. not your role to facilitate this of course just my thoughts.

As I said, I have survived serious sexual abuse, court case, jail sentence and so on. So I am not naive about the trauma involved.

However I do wish that as a society we could better support boys to grow into good men, men to become better men, and violent men to want to change.

sweetbellyhigh · 31/12/2021 20:42

@ElvisPresleyHadABaby

Men are 271 times more likely to be raped themselves than be falsely accused.

No.

Pinkbonbon · 31/12/2021 21:22

@sweetbellyhigh

Women are not rehab for damaged men.

If a grown man doesn't know that no means no then there's nothing you or i or anyone can do to 'educate' them. Because they are willfully ignorant.

It takes a real degree of arrogance and fundamental ingrained mysoginy for a man to be that ignorant of wrongdoing.

It is not our responsibility to hang around trying to teach them differently. Nor would we be able to. We are not their therapists.

It is up to us as women to change our own mindsets and learn to nurture and support ourselves. Not try to fix broken men or give them further chances to sudden become decent human beings.

sweetbellyhigh · 31/12/2021 21:25

[quote Pinkbonbon]@sweetbellyhigh

Women are not rehab for damaged men.

If a grown man doesn't know that no means no then there's nothing you or i or anyone can do to 'educate' them. Because they are willfully ignorant.

It takes a real degree of arrogance and fundamental ingrained mysoginy for a man to be that ignorant of wrongdoing.

It is not our responsibility to hang around trying to teach them differently. Nor would we be able to. We are not their therapists.

It is up to us as women to change our own mindsets and learn to nurture and support ourselves. Not try to fix broken men or give them further chances to sudden become decent human beings.[/quote]
Not did I suggest they were. You have made a massive leap.

I exactly pointed out this was not the OPs problem to solve.

All I said was that as a society we need to do better.

pantsandpringles · 31/12/2021 21:27

@sweetbellyhigh. Actually, yes. Well, it's around 230 but still an astonishing figure.

www.channel4.com/news/factcheck/factcheck-men-are-more-likely-to-be-raped-than-be-falsely-accused-of-rape

sweetbellyhigh · 31/12/2021 21:30

[quote pantsandpringles]@sweetbellyhigh. Actually, yes. Well, it's around 230 but still an astonishing figure.

www.channel4.com/news/factcheck/factcheck-men-are-more-likely-to-be-raped-than-be-falsely-accused-of-rape[/quote]
Wtf has that got to do with this thread. Nothing that's what. Very NMAL posting.

sweetbellyhigh · 31/12/2021 21:31

And it's basically just saying that false accusations are incredibly rare.

Wavypurple · 31/12/2021 21:50

Don’t see him again. I’m talking from experience.

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