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Original poster

[TW] my new boyfriend just told me he was accused of sexual assault

128 replies

deceasedx · 30/12/2021 21:36

Hi guys, I just found this place and I'm really looking for some help in finding the right thing to do here.
I recently met a guy off of Tinder and things have been going extremely well up until this point. We went on several dates where he seemed to be a very sweet and kind person, and we recently decided to make things official between the two of us. That aside, I was aware that his ex was a touchy subject to him from the beginning and I obviously didn't want to pry at first. It wasn't until the other day when we were on the phone that I finally felt it was fine to ask what happened. That's when he dropped the major bomb that his ex had accused him of sexual assault. I was completely caught off guard as I was expecting him to tell me that she had cheated or something similar to that. He, obviously, claims that he didn't do anything and that there was no severe legal action taken. However, that doesn't completely ease my mind. I'm a firm supporter of always believing the victim first. With that being said, I don't have any access to the full story at all. As for his story, he told me that the two of them were making out when she told him that she wasn't in the mood for anything sexual in that moment. His account goes that he didn't push from that point on and later asked her to perform a specific act for him. She first obliged, then said she was no longer interested and they both stopped what they were doing. Days later, she began acting distant, said that she had felt like she had to do what she did out of fear, and then went to the courthouse where she must've filed some form of complaint that kept them separated for a few days. That's the only information I have and I don't know how I could go about talking to this girl myself. I certainly don't want to be associating with someone who is capable of something like this; I am not a sympathizer to these types of actions in the slightest. I'm just unsure of what to do because I have no means of knowing the full truth. How am I supposed to know what happened? All opinions are welcomed.

OP posts:
CSJobseeker · 31/12/2021 21:57

@sweetbellyhigh

And it's basically just saying that false accusations are incredibly rare.
Yes, because that's precisely the point that the poster you quoted was making.

Earlier in the thread someone claimed that false accusations are common. Various posters have argued with that claim. Why do you object to them doing so?

billy1966 · 31/12/2021 22:34

@Grizzlydog

You can submit a Claire's law request to the police and they can give you any relevant information about this man. Asking for a specific sex act after she said she wasn't in the mood is probably all you need to know though
This.

Dump ASAP.

Lachimolala · 01/01/2022 07:30

This is how my ex describes a great deal of his sexual assaults of me, it’s always ‘I only asked’ ‘she could’ve said no’ blah blah blah.

When in reality he actually nagged and nagged me, sulked, stomped, called me names, started with the passive aggressive shite with me and the kids if I dared say no. So I always relented and let him have his own way with me, anything to stop his nonsense. It may not have ever been violent but it absolutely was sexual assault.

I can appreciate I might be reading between the liens a little too much here due to my own trauma, but thought it was necessary to explain I recognise that pattern of describing he using and I’m not sure I believe him in all honesty.

That being said I would always tread carefully with accusations of SA and would always choose to remove myself from that situation/person. Plenty more fish in the sea.

Lordoftheflyingpan · 01/01/2022 23:46

@Lachimolala

This is how my ex describes a great deal of his sexual assaults of me, it’s always ‘I only asked’ ‘she could’ve said no’ blah blah blah.

When in reality he actually nagged and nagged me, sulked, stomped, called me names, started with the passive aggressive shite with me and the kids if I dared say no. So I always relented and let him have his own way with me, anything to stop his nonsense. It may not have ever been violent but it absolutely was sexual assault.

I can appreciate I might be reading between the liens a little too much here due to my own trauma, but thought it was necessary to explain I recognise that pattern of describing he using and I’m not sure I believe him in all honesty.

That being said I would always tread carefully with accusations of SA and would always choose to remove myself from that situation/person. Plenty more fish in the sea.

Same. When he told me how his ex accused him, what he was actually telling me was how he was going to behave with me in the future.

I hope you and your kids are safe now and I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

maddy68 · 01/01/2022 23:50

My instict is:
He told you which gives him honesty points

I also know someone that was accused ....felt so sorry for him as I know it was untrue.

Give him a chance however at the slightest uneasy feeling run for the hills just in case

Aquamarine1029 · 01/01/2022 23:58

You would have to be insane not to dump this man.

AgentJohnson · 02/01/2022 04:34

I'm a firm supporter of always believing the victim first.

You mean you were a supporter….. This stranger has said he’s been accused of sexual assault and now you say you do know what to do.

It’s totally up to you what you do or don’t do but don’t trot out lines like ‘I'm a firm supporter of always believing the victim first’, when it clearly isn’t true or should at least come with the caveat ‘unless it interferes with my dating’.

sweetbellyhigh · 02/01/2022 04:48

@maddy68

My instict is: He told you which gives him honesty points

I also know someone that was accused ....felt so sorry for him as I know it was untrue.

Give him a chance however at the slightest uneasy feeling run for the hills just in case

Genuine question: how do you know the accusation was untrue?
Insidelaurashead · 02/01/2022 04:53

My abusive ex insisted I gave him a blowjob when I couldn't have sex because I was physically miscarrying our baby. He literally whipped his dick out and tried to force my head down then moaned and whinged and wheedled and promised he would then cuddle me and comfort me through what I was going through and finally I gave in. It was abusive. It was sexual assault. OP I would run a mile, I would run a million miles.

Redcrayons · 02/01/2022 09:09

@maddy68

My instict is: He told you which gives him honesty points

I also know someone that was accused ....felt so sorry for him as I know it was untrue.

Give him a chance however at the slightest uneasy feeling run for the hills just in case

Except he hasn’t been falsely accused. He’s told her what happened.
Also, unless you were in the room, you don’t know it was untrue at all.
TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 02/01/2022 15:32

@maddy68

My instict is: He told you which gives him honesty points

I also know someone that was accused ....felt so sorry for him as I know it was untrue.

Give him a chance however at the slightest uneasy feeling run for the hills just in case

Yeah , he told her. He was honest that he was an abusive git.

How do you know the accusation was untrue against the ‘someone you know’? Were you in the room when the alleged assault presumably didn’t take place? Surely then you could have given a statement to the police and got it all cleared up quite quickly.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2022 20:02

@maddy68

My instict is: He told you which gives him honesty points

I also know someone that was accused ....felt so sorry for him as I know it was untrue.

Give him a chance however at the slightest uneasy feeling run for the hills just in case

  1. Your instinct it's a very high risk strategy
  1. Unless you were in the room and could see everything you have no idea if he is innocent or not
  1. Leave at the slightest unease? You mean like a man telling you he's been accused of sexual assault but no 'severe' action was taken? That kind of unease? In which case you surely agree it isn't worth the risk for OP to keep seeing him

It's staggeringly rare to be falsely accused of rape. Men are more likely to be victims of rape than to be falsely accused.

5128gap · 04/01/2022 20:19

My best guess:
He told you because there's a risk you will find out.There's a risk you'll find out because it's on record somewhere. It's on record somewhere because there was enough reason to believe her. There was enough reason to believe her because its likely to be true.

Deadposhtory · 04/01/2022 20:25

Looks like the ops disappeared

schnarf · 21/04/2024 15:43

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schnarf · 21/04/2024 15:45

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/01/2022 20:02

@maddy68

My instict is: He told you which gives him honesty points

I also know someone that was accused ....felt so sorry for him as I know it was untrue.

Give him a chance however at the slightest uneasy feeling run for the hills just in case

  1. Your instinct it's a very high risk strategy
  1. Unless you were in the room and could see everything you have no idea if he is innocent or not
  1. Leave at the slightest unease? You mean like a man telling you he's been accused of sexual assault but no 'severe' action was taken? That kind of unease? In which case you surely agree it isn't worth the risk for OP to keep seeing him

It's staggeringly rare to be falsely accused of rape. Men are more likely to be victims of rape than to be falsely accused.

He wasn't accused of rape, he was accused of sexual assault.

schnarf · 21/04/2024 15:59

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Haffiana · 21/04/2024 16:09

and then went to the courthouse where she must've filed some form of complaint that kept them separated for a few days.

Hmm. I don't imagine OP will be back to tell us which country allows its citizens to file complaints in court, or that has a court act on such a complaint to 'keep them separated'.

But just in case this is in good faith and OP is simply muddled rather than hairy of foot - if your partner was actually held for a few days then be certain that the police had very, very good reason to do so.

schnarf · 21/04/2024 16:15

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schnarf · 21/04/2024 16:27

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BinkyBeaufort · 21/04/2024 16:33

ZOMBIE!

2Noope · 21/04/2024 17:27

maddy68 · 01/01/2022 23:50

My instict is:
He told you which gives him honesty points

I also know someone that was accused ....felt so sorry for him as I know it was untrue.

Give him a chance however at the slightest uneasy feeling run for the hills just in case

OP is already uneasy, a few dates in, he might as well go in the bin. He’s already told her he at the very least coerced his ex into a sex act.

Renamed · 21/04/2024 17:29

Look, the best case scenario is that she said she didn’t feel like sex, yet he still asked her for a blow job - like that’s just a favour instead of a sexual act you need to feel into doing. That’s enough reason to not want to carry on seeing him.

2Noope · 21/04/2024 17:31

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.

kkloo · 21/04/2024 18:14

schnarf · 21/04/2024 15:45

He wasn't accused of rape, he was accused of sexual assault.

Show quote history

What difference does that make?
Sexual assault can be just as traumatic as rape or more so. Neither is less than the other. So you're just nitpicking.

That poster said it's staggeringly rare to be falsely accused of rape, the same also applies to false accusations of sexual assault. So they tend to be grouped together when people talk about false accusations or accusations.