[TW] my new boyfriend just told me he was accused of sexual assault

[deceasedx]

Hi guys, I just found this place and I'm really looking for some help in finding the right thing to do here.
I recently met a guy off of Tinder and things have been going extremely well up until this point. We went on several dates where he seemed to be a very sweet and kind person, and we recently decided to make things official between the two of us. That aside, I was aware that his ex was a touchy subject to him from the beginning and I obviously didn't want to pry at first. It wasn't until the other day when we were on the phone that I finally felt it was fine to ask what happened. That's when he dropped the major bomb that his ex had accused him of sexual assault. I was completely caught off guard as I was expecting him to tell me that she had cheated or something similar to that. He, obviously, claims that he didn't do anything and that there was no severe legal action taken. However, that doesn't completely ease my mind. I'm a firm supporter of always believing the victim first. With that being said, I don't have any access to the full story at all. As for his story, he told me that the two of them were making out when she told him that she wasn't in the mood for anything sexual in that moment. His account goes that he didn't push from that point on and later asked her to perform a specific act for him. She first obliged, then said she was no longer interested and they both stopped what they were doing. Days later, she began acting distant, said that she had felt like she had to do what she did out of fear, and then went to the courthouse where she must've filed some form of complaint that kept them separated for a few days. That's the only information I have and I don't know how I could go about talking to this girl myself. I certainly don't want to be associating with someone who is capable of something like this; I am not a sympathizer to these types of actions in the slightest. I'm just unsure of what to do because I have no means of knowing the full truth. How am I supposed to know what happened? All opinions are welcomed.

The opposite side of 'the victim is always right' is 'innocent until proven guilty'.

If you are keen to continue this relationship then
Claire's Law
Google
More info about the legal action - a non-mol order doesn't always mean there's been some assault, just that a concern has been raised and it's felt better to keep the parties apart. Maybe that's what he means by non-severe?
Then a long discussion about boundaries and how he applies them.
And being alert to any brushing aside of your concerns and your boundaries.

@oviraptor21

The opposite side of 'the victim is always right' is 'innocent until proven guilty'.

If you are keen to continue this relationship then
Claire's Law
Google
More info about the legal action - a non-mol order doesn't always mean there's been some assault, just that a concern has been raised and it's felt better to keep the parties apart. Maybe that's what he means by non-severe?
Then a long discussion about boundaries and how he applies them.
And being alert to any brushing aside of your concerns and your boundaries.

The principles that apply in a criminal court are not necessarily appropriate for everyday life.

Because ‘innocent until proven guilty’ when referring to sexual assault pretty much means ‘assume the victim is lying’. Often the only possible ‘proof’ is the victim’s account that she did not want the sex he insisted on having.

Courts may have to err on the side of aquitting to try to avoid miscarriages of justice. But in actual life, it’s a simple case of ‘do we believe women when they tell us men have harmed them?’

Or do we pretend we are being neutral when we, yet again, dismiss them and insist on a presumption of innocence that is premised on that dismissal?

@oviraptor21

The opposite side of 'the victim is always right' is 'innocent until proven guilty'.

If you are keen to continue this relationship then
Claire's Law
Google
More info about the legal action - a non-mol order doesn't always mean there's been some assault, just that a concern has been raised and it's felt better to keep the parties apart. Maybe that's what he means by non-severe?
Then a long discussion about boundaries and how he applies them.
And being alert to any brushing aside of your concerns and your boundaries.

There was a criminal investigation into his behaviour. His claim is that it wasn't 'severe'. If he's still minimising his actions it's not OP's job to educate him. It's her job to protect herself.

I may be the only one to say - things change
Maybe he was open because he had learned and wanted things to be better

He didn’t have to say anything
He could have hidden it
But he seems to have trusted you and wanted to come clean

I wouldn’t walk away if all is good between you two
I would follow advice about digging
And talking face to face with him
Putting some boundaries in place

It will be tough as he may become too Defensive

But we all make bad choices amd
Israel’s at time - but we are allowed to change and learn

Aren’t we ?

OP, the account your new boyfriend told you is identical to an account an ex of mine (now a good friend), gave me about something that happened to him and a girlfriend. I was rather shocked by it all, particularly the allegation and pressing him further, found out that his girlfriend has told a friend about what had happened and they had pressed her into making a complaint. He was questioned by police as a result. Eventually the girlfriend dropped charges.

We discussed this at length and he seemed suitably contrite and recognised he had not behaved well. He understands he coerced her into something she didn't want to do. Even now, a few years later, I am still unsure how I feel about it all, but I don't think he's a terrible person and just acted in a stupid and selfish way.

He has been resolutely single since this happened so it has clearly shaken him. Weirdly, he now lives in Ireland. (I do not.)

As an aside, I have been in a similar position with a few ex-boyfriends where they have coerced me into doing something when I haven't been in the mood. While I have been deeply unhappy about this, and regretted giving in, it was my decision to do so.

@GiantWaterBottle

Oh that's a really hard situation. I don't know OP. Do you get any kind of 'vibe' or feeling about him? Intuition? Unfortunately false accusations happen all the time. It is not uncommon at all.

I would probably want to discuss it more. I'd say to him that you understand it's a difficult subject but you need to ask some more questions. If he's funny about that then dump immediately. If he's open and understanding, I'd ask things like why he thought she did it, was it genuine and he didn't read the situation properly? Was it vindictive, if so why? Attention seeking? What was she like etc. Also, why he thought she felt afraid.

This is disturbing on so many levels. False accusations do not happen all the time, it’s actually very rare for soneone to involve law. And to say was she being Vindicative or attention seeking? I can’t even fathom why that would be your go to position.

People do present themselves in the best light, and the overwhelming odds are something really bad happened here and he’s downplaying it.

@Overthinkingx3

I may be the only one to say - things change Maybe he was open because he had learned and wanted things to be better

He didn’t have to say anything
He could have hidden it
But he seems to have trusted you and wanted to come clean

I wouldn’t walk away if all is good between you two
I would follow advice about digging
And talking face to face with him
Putting some boundaries in place

It will be tough as he may become too Defensive

But we all make bad choices amd
Israel’s at time - but we are allowed to change and learn

Aren’t we ?

At the possible expense of personal safety? NO. He can go be a 'changed man' in someone else's bed.

Men are 271 times more likely to be raped themselves than be falsely accused.

Sorry, his version of the story is bad enough but worrying one he thinks is ok and paints him as the victim. It does not. It paints him at least as a sex pest who won't take no for an answer the first time and saw his partner simply as a way to get off - yuk! No second chances for this one if it were me

@gannett

It's kind of interesting that even his side of the story doesn't show him in a great light. The usual spiel from a man admitting he was accused of sexual assault is to claim the woman was making it up completely. But he doesn't deny that something not-good happened in a grey area and she legitimately thought it was sexual assault, even if he didn't.

So what I would be asking is:

Why did you ask her to perform a specific act when she'd made it clear she wasn't up for anything sexual? Also, how much later was "later" - half an hour? Two hours?

Why do you think she was afraid of you? What did you do, generally or in that moment, to make her think like that?

Do you regret making a woman feel as though she was assaulted, even if you didn't intend to?

Most importantly: What have you learned from all of this? What mistakes did you make, why did you make them, what are you doing to ensure you don't make them again?

This

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

Unfortunately false accusations happen all the time. It is not uncommon at all.

I would love to see the data supporting this Everything I’ve read suggests that false accusations are incredibly rare.

As the vast majority of sexual assault cases don't even come to court, and of those that do the majority end in a ‘not guilty’ verdict, one could argue that it was a false accusation. I’d like to think that’s not true, but we don't actually know because the victim isn’t going to turn round and say ‘I made it up’ if the accused is either not charged, or found not guilty if it goes to court. What we do know is that the vast majority of cases of sexual abuse do go unreported. That’s something we need to work on. Women should feel able to report their attacker knowing it will be dealt with appropriately.

Even if you believe him, by his own account his gf felt obliged to perform a sexual act he asked for out of fear. She'd said she wasn't in the mood yet he was happy to press her for more sexual contact a short time later. And that's his sanitised version.

Run.

@liveforsummer

Sorry, his version of the story is bad enough but worrying one he thinks is ok and paints him as the victim. It does not. It paints him at least as a sex pest who won't take no for an answer the first time and saw his partner simply as a way to get off - yuk! No second chances for this one if it were me

Absolutely this! OP, bin him off, dont even engage in further conversations with him.

She said no but he kept pushing her boundaries? A crime is not only a crime when there was a conviction- he doesn’t respect consent and that’s all you need to know here. RUN. It’s perfectly acceptable not to give such men a chance - when someone shows you who they really are, believe them the first time.

Personally I would see red flags and leave
But maybe it isn't that easy for you ?
You can do clairs law threw the police or social work if he has had any convictions or previous accusations of dv or assault will show up?
He doesn't have to know about it as it's completely confidential 🤫

Even in his version of the story he sexually coerced her at the very least

He asked her to perform a sexual act on him after she had said no. That statement alone should get the alarm bells ringing. He doesn’t respect boundaries. Get shot of him.

This is such a big red flag, you shouldn’t ever ignore any red flags in the beginning.
Walk away.

The story doesn't sound like a false accusation. It sounds like he made her feel like she should perform a sexual act when she didn't wanted to. It's not for him to decide if she should feel alright about that.

Have you spoke to him about consent, do you know his views on it?

You could do more digging and try to get more information but is he worth it?

Even if you believe him, by his own account his gf felt obliged to perform a sexual act he asked for out of fear. She'd said she wasn't in the mood yet he was happy to press her for more sexual contact a short time later. And that's his sanitised version.

Run.

This. With bells on.

I may be the only one to say - things change
Maybe he was open because he had learned and wanted things to be better

The story he told shows no signs of having taken responsibility for doing something wrong and trying to learn to do better in future.

The opposite really.

Ok, firstly, you can apply for an injunction/non molestation court order here in the UK to stop someone you're in a relationship with having contact with you. In fact, you don't go to the police to do this, but the courts. So yes, OP can be in the UK and this story makes sense.

www.gov.uk/injunction-domestic-violence

Secondly, OP, the fact she went to the trouble of getting a non mol order (if this was it, ask him) means she was sufficiently scared of him/his reaction. So it can't have just been a sexual assault thing or she would have only gone to the police, whatever happened had her scared enough to go to court to get him to stop contacting her. If he confirms it was a non mol order, then he's definitely not been truthful about what happened. No one goes to all this hassle in court for something that was just a misunderstanding.

On the basis of that, I would take a WIDE SWERVE. You haven't known him long, so it's easy to cut loose now. I'd investigate more for a close friend/relative/long term partner but someone of just a few dates - better to be safe than sorry.

In fact, it's likely she spoke to Womens Aid or similar to get advice to do this - I think it's likely this was seen as a case of domestic abuse, and might even have been a pattern of it. Non mol orders are NOT granted with no evidence/lightly.

that there was no severe legal action taken

Bearing in mind the pitiful rate of successful prosecution for sexual assault, I would say that the above phrase is meaningless. My ex son in law was accused too and also faced no "severe legal action". Doesn't mean he didnt do it.

I can’t believe someone said he didn’t have to say, how would anyone know that, there is every chance he thought she’d find out. Especially if the woman is local to them, or she can find the woman on face book.

I’d almost guarantee if this woman went to law enforcement and the relationship ended over it it was both much worse than he has admitted and also hugely likely it wasn’t the first time.

I never really understand “I always believe the woman, until the one time some random bloke I met on tinder tells me then I’m tempted to believe him”