Dating thread 222: into 2022 and beyond

[BelladiMamma]

The rules as a screenshot (feel free to copy and paste them in).

Must say I’ve taken a good 5 months off the apps and I feel so much better and back to myself from the break from it.

@ButterflyOfShay

Aye, I guess to be fair it's been "six of one and half dozen of another" - I didn't reply to one of his messages for days and he hasn't ever directly mentioned his ex/the break-up to me

(it's more me working things out in terms of timing?)

It just seems like we've only communicated about "can you get through the border Ok/are the government going to impose this quarantine?" recently? I guess I asked him for more messages and I didn't like what I got.

And I guess this was his first "Xmas as a single man with family after a 10 year relationship" and I think there's been some tension there as well (his mum had to isolate quite soon after he got there).

Plus there's the "brief texts but great in person" disconnect there.

I mean MrC was a MUCH better communicator/flirter but I think it was because he was stuck on an all male ship so it was pretty much his only entertainment?

In terms of in-person chemistry and "FTF date vibe" MrC is like hanging out with a dull colleague compared to him.

But I guess this is the issue with long distance dating in COVID times - issues that can be solved with a quick FTF chat or a meet get magnified.

There's a great line someone uses in that First Date hotel show where someone says something like "I can't tell if it's me, or him, or how I am with him, or the combination.". which rings true here.

Like if I didn't fancy him so much I probably wouldn't be getting "het up" about regular but boring comms!

Anyway - not my circus etc, and I can only deal with myself and accept others as they are!

I'm going to stick my phone away, BREATH, hand this work in, work out, go see some lovely art and take my mind off it for a bit.

@ReturnOfTheBunk I feel for you lovely as there’s clearly a special connection between you but it’s one of those ones that’s best in person hey, he clearly still thinks about you and likes you a lot or he wouldn’t be keeping in touch. Tough 😞 xxx

I've never had a 10 year relationship so I'm not really sure what happens emotionally after the end of one!

@ButterflyOfShay

Yes, I think it might well end up a "let's try to stay in touch/connected but not date" thing? As with the dating it becomes "emotionally loaded" then.

@ReturnOfTheBunk

I've never had a 10 year relationship so I'm not really sure what happens emotionally after the end of one!

No!! Me neither, I had a 4 year one and that took a good couple of years to recover from and we didn’t even live together! Can’t imagine how hard it must be if something like that comes to an end. But maybe they’d been distant for years and he’s found the emotional spark with you that he didn’t have with her?

Dropped off the thread but still keeping up. @curmudgeonly007 reading between the lines, and based on what you said after your last meet with MsW, I'm not sure she's bringing enough of the F to the FWB?
You've got good self control there @ReturnOfTheBunk not reading the message. Covid added enough complications to dating without factoring in crossing borders, sounds stressful! Hopefully things will start to settle over the summer 🤞
I didn't feel qualified to comment @Stepcount but glad you had a bit of a chat with Mr V and I hope he starts making progress health-wise. Really interesting reading about compromise Vs changing someone. I'm a naturally talkative person and Mr D is much more reserved. I've wondered before if it will be an issue and it played on my mind again at our last meet. I know he can be chattier so it's not that he isn't like that ever, but it isn't his default like it is mine?

@Heartbeats0708, thank you. I think when you have clearly met someone with Mr D who you feel a connection with and 90% + is great but the part of your brain that remembers or knows things can go wrong is niggling away at you. If I was clever or well read on psychology I could probably give you a name for it ! I don't know that many couples are the absolute ying-yang for each other but him being a little quiet would not be a deal breaker for me. he clearly brings lots of postives into your life and like most of us are constantly doing, you can only keep checking in with yourself that it's working for you.
I'm feeling a lot less frazzled so things are back to feeling more normal. I think a combination of hormones and a physical post Christmas crash were contributing to the tearfulness. I find some aspects around my situation with Mr V a bit triggering. I have been in this situation several times before - not specifically sex but being promised change or commitment that was either super slow or never happened - and being kept waiting is a difficult limbo for me. I want to believe that Mr V will go to the doctor again and we will at some point have the true intimacy I would like with him but whilst I wait it makes me feel on edge. I have hung on in there, including a massive issue with my late DH (unrelated to sex or our relationship) that was never resolved.
I too follow the thread daily and I'm cheering on everyone in their individual search for love or those finding comfort or a renewed strength in realigning what they need in life.

@ReturnoftheBunk thank you for your lovely thoughtful response to my post yesterday. Honestly appreciated it a lot.

You are very strong to resist the message! It seems unfair that you and MrHedgehog have such a connection but logistics are getting in the way. I suppose the time of year hasn't helped, Christmas is such a fraught and emotional time for lots of people. Sounds like you're being very careful not to overinvest which is always the wise choice.

@ButterflyOfShay I feel better today thank you. I really struggle with expressing negative thoughts and feelings IRL so I guess I used the thread as a place to vent. Felt better just for writing how I was feeling tbh.
5 months off dating apps? That's great if it was draining you or not adding to your life. You sound like you're really investing in yourself so it could be a good idea not to go back on just yet. Might join you on the bench! Any more sightings of the elusive MrTurk?

@Heartbeats0708
Yep, think you have nailed it, which is bit disappointing as we have been good friends for ages, but she seems to dropping off the F part, the B part was introduced by her. She is couple of years younger than me (50 this year I think), and her sex drive seems really high.
Can believe I’m saying this, but I think I need more emotional support from her, it’s almost like a gender role reversal with regard to sex.

@curmudgeonly007 if she’s a long-standing friend though can you not have a conversation about how adding the B but subtracting the F is making you feel? Surely that’s the beauty of FWB, you can talk things out?

Day 10 completed of dry January, fairly chocolate free too and I HIIT the gym for the first time since before Christmas without trouble this morning. So, mostly good. I do miss the gentle, unthinking buzz induced by alcohol though. Last night we watched an upsetting drama (Four Lives) and I just couldn’t switch off from it, so couldn’t sleep. With two wines on board I wouldn’t have engaged with it so much so would have slept…

@ReturnOfTheBunk my relationship that ended earlier this year was a fifteen year one. I can’t speak for how everyone might feel but for me the feelings were intense - crying constantly for months, anger, fear, suicidal at times. I was the one who was left though. Maybe it’s easier if you’re the one that leaves, I don’t know.

Do you know much about how it ended for Mr Hedgehog? I think long distance relationships are difficult for any couple, even if you know each other really well and are in love.

@returnofthebunk sorry my 15yr relationship ended in 2021 I mean! Forgetting that we’re in a new year now

@curmudgeonly007 do you actually want more from her though? She's so far away anyway. I think if they were a good friend, I would tell them I enjoy more contact etc but I think you need to weigh up what you want. If you want a relationship, then say so. Do you think your situation with her is stopping you meeting anyone else more available?

@ButterflyOfShay I think the apps really do have a way of draining us mentally. I have friends who refuse to do them purely because of this. I tended to also use them to make connections. I was a single mum working from home and it enabled me to have fun interractions which I wouldn't normally have. I do think when you are feeling brighter, consider going back on but with less pressure on yourself.

Has the thread broken? Or was the last update really 11.35? 6 hours ago? That must be some sort of record...

@WeWantTheFinestWines

Has the thread broken? Or was the last update really 11.35? 6 hours ago? That must be some sort of record...

😂😂😂

I checked in to read it a couple of times and thought the same.

Was there a zombie apocalypse without any of us realising 😝

@curmudgeonly007 is MsW suggesting a repeat which could also involve a 'where is this going and where are we' conversation?

@MizK glad you’re feeling a bit brighter. Not seen anymore of MrTurk but ive kind of lost interest anyway. I think maybe it was an inexplicable flash in the pan crush. I get those sometimes 🙂

Hi all,

Been watching this thread since before Christmas and wanted to join you all.

Have been dabbling in OLD unsuccessfully and have definitely developed a thick skin. A few potential irons who have not yet resorted to ghosting or going down the sexting road but time will tell. I would say that at least 8/10 of guys that I've spoken to have requested more revealing pics or asked me what I'm in to. Doesn't seem to matter which site either!

@Eesha I don’t want to go on the apps when I’m feeling crappy as that is just asking for trouble.. the apps should come with some sort of health warning to stay away if you’re not feeling good.
But I won’t want to go back on them when I’m feeling good as I know they’ll make me feel crap again because all the bad behaviour I see on there just makes me sick. Just really feel that those things aren’t any good for me personally!

Good luck with it @Daydreamscometrue! There have some success stories here lately 🙂

@ButterflyOfShay

Good luck with it *@Daydreamscometrue*! There have some success stories here lately 🙂

Thank you! Close to giving up to be honest.

@Daydreamscometrue it’s not the greatest barrel of laughs is it! 😟

Cheering you on @Badbaddog and right here on day 10 with you! I’m sleeping like a log which is amazing and having vivid dreams! I love dreaming it’s cool 🙂

@ButterflyOfShay it definitely isn't! Was not this bad 20 years ago that's for sure.