Dating thread 222: into 2022 and beyond

[BelladiMamma]

The rules as a screenshot (feel free to copy and paste them in).

Thanks for the new thread Bella.
2+years with Mr V, although a couple of blips and wobbles along the way. Still somewhat undecided if he really is my ‘real deal’ guy. He’s lovely, funny, great company and easy going but the lack of sexual intimacy is definitely getting to me. He spent Christmas with me and my DDs, he went to the Boxing Day party with late DHs family again and he’s around for the next few days as DD2 has her birthday tomorrow and of course it’s NYE.
We’ve had some pretty heavy chats about the lack of sex and he’s committed to addressing it asap. He did admit that he’s worried what will happen if tablets don’t work for his ED and that made me realise that some of his dragging his feet is actually not wanting to face it being an unsolvable issue. He finds these conversations difficult and he’s not very good at being as emotionally open as I am so I struggle with that too. I worry that if I walk away I could be leaving behind a lovely guy and may not find someone similar again. But I thrive on a bit of flirty, open affection and I am missing sex. I will definitely have to wait to see what the next few weeks bring because I am deeply fond of him and his situation is not of his choosing.

@Caramelblonde I do agree having known a few on here who are decent blokes. What I would say is most people are just chasing/looking for this elusive spark and maybe tend to pass over the good ones who may just be nice. That's just my opinion of course.

@Knutface
Blimey the fens, that really is nowhere land, as a kid I grew up In Norfolk and we used to drive through the fens to get to Yorkshire, miles and miles of cabbage fields…

@Caramelblonde
As a younger man I did consider being a plumber, someone once told me you only need to know 2 things to be a plumber, water runs down hill & pay day is Friday.
Think I’m bit old to go on the tools now..

Omg I've just written a lengthy detailed reply to the issue of location and it's literally disappeared in front of my eyes

Grrr

Widen the areas where you might date or if you're travelling leave the app on and see who pops up

That's it basically

Oh and good photos. Not cat fishing type photos but smiley sexy ones

Thanks for the new thread.

MrBeard is away visiting family so I’m using the time to catch up with things around the house. We’re having a phone chat tonight.

I’ve been thinking about whether I believe in love any more and what our future might be. I don’t think I do and maybe it’s just best to live for the moment and see how it goes. The sex we have is much more ‘hot’ than romantic feeling (as you said with Mr A @BelladiMamma) and I’m not sure whether to have a word with him about it or not. Don’t even know if I want conventional ‘romance’ anymore, but I do want to not feel used and to feel cared about.

Sometimes he will say things during sex that are borderline offensive, but when not having sex he’s very sweet.

@BelladiMamma agree having smiley photos very important. I saw one guy’s profile where he only had one photo - a close up of him frowning. Terrifying!

Can I jump on?
Quite newly split from ex-h, and this guy - I’ll call him MrFootball - has swooped in and I don’t know what to do with it I knew him, just as someone to say hi to in passing before, but the last few weeks he’s been putting in some serious graft to let me know that he wants more.
He’s 100% my type and the way he speaks to me, treats me, looks at me etc has me feeling all swoony like a lovesick teenager We’ve spent some time together, and I really like him.
I just can’t help but feel like it’s too soon since my split and there’s an age gap there too - he’s 14 years older than me.
I’ve been out of the dating game since I married ex-h in my late teens, so I feel like I have no idea how to play this

Checking in, I've been ill all week (not covid) and now have a really husky voice. My new years eve plans have been dropped and I'll probably have a quiet sober night in now. No point wasting good champagne if it all tastes like shit.

Nothing from Mr Cricket since last week but I did message him last night saying I think we need to talk and find out where our heads are at. He did the infuriating thing that he always does and read immediately but takes ages to reply. I think it actually would be good to talk and work out where we stand. Not for any other reason than I think our friendship is worth that and it might actually help.

@PotatoGoblins hi and welcome! What is it specifically you're worried about, that you're not ready or you don't know how to navigate the situation?

@Stayingstrongish hmmm 🤔 not sure what I think about that. I don't like it at all; if it's something that makes you feel uncomfortable during sex that you then can't address, that's not a good place to be. It's a hidden problem IYSWIM and they can weight heavily. Last night MrDublin did one thing I didn't like and I just raised it immediately and that's that. I prefer the bucket of cold water approach, quick and effective. It didn't stop him from liking me or wanting to have Dec with me. He's just better informed about my preferences now.

@Isitreallyme1277 so you think there is a friendship worth saving? What makes you think that? (Not a loaded question, I am just encouraging you to go through the exercise of figuring out what there is of value).

@Naimee87 forgot to say from the other thread, sorry you didn't get to see the 🧲

Dec? Sex!!

In other news, MrDublin and I had a minor birth control snafu. Obviously at my age I'm looking at almost certain miscarriage rather than pregnancy and I really don't want to go through having to terminate a high risk and let's be honest unwanted pregnancy at my age.

He's done all the heavy lifting of figuring out the way forward. I don't think I've been able to actually rely on a bloke before to do that for me. Feels really good.

Checking in, thanks for the new thread @BelladiMamma!

@WeWantTheFinestWines Yup, I'm currently in no doubt either of us think this is longer term - exciting! Everything is just really nice right now.

@Eesha - officially only 2 months, but date zero was 6 months ago so we've technically known each other that long but I'd asked to be friends as life got pretty tricky and had no capacity to date. Which makes things a bit skewed as technically what he suggested would have made complete sense had things stayed that way.

I said that given DDs experiences so far it wouldn't be fair for her to bond with someone new if things didn't work out. He hadn't thought of it like that and agreed. So shelved for the time being. I like how we can just talk through this stuff without anyone being offended. I think part of the suggestion was a tad of frustration that he's been locked away and is finally free to mix but we'll have to wait till Monday for another catch up, but that's just part of being grown ups!

I'm also really pleased where my head is. In previous relationships I'd have been really worried I'd lose someone or be pushed into something or make someone grumpy by pushing back on now seeing them. He's given gentle reassurance while not being overwhelming that he likes me and wants to see where things go. I know I don't have to answer his texts straightaway, that if we don't see each other for a few weeks things aren't going to fall apart, and yet he makes time for me when we're both free. I know this is all very standard stuff but it's taken a lot of getting used to.

@BelladiMamma I absolutely think it's the right way to go considering the DCs ages. For his DD anyway (and I'm absolutely going to wait till after that meet before he meets mine so we'll figure that but out later!). As she's used to hanging out and playing games etc with his friends, so would be more of them and I can just slot in and interact with everyone as a new friend (rather than being "vetted"). I think it's the right call to shift it way down the line though and the bonus is I can get to know his friends a bit first so by the time she meets me things will be a lot more comfortable (rather than me diving under the sofa 😁).

That said, he sent me a pic today and he's shaved half his beard off 😱 It looks good... I think... but I need to inspect it closer to make sure. I knew he was contemplating it... apparently it only takes 6 weeks to grow back so... as with everything, patience 😂

@FabulousMrFifty keep plugging away mate. It's an emotional rollercoaster but I do believe there is someone out there for everyone. Although being a Norwich City fan this season is probably even worse than OLD! (Leeds fan here......not much better!!)

@PotatoGoblins welcome. I'm new to this OLD lark too after being together with my ex for 30 years. I really have no idea what I'm doing!! My suggestion would be to just go with the flow and see what happens. If it's enjoyable, enjoy it, if it's not, walk away.

The lack of "decent men" is something I hear from all the irons I have chatted to. I like to think I'm fairly normal in that I like the outdoors, music and theatre, can string a sentence or two together, know the difference between your and you're , and in OK shape.....but boy it's tough out there!!

@BelladiMamma no idea how to navigate!! I didn’t ever really “date” my ex-h…I’d just sort of happened. So this feels very new and scary!

@FabulousMrFifty Sorry it's all gone so quiet! It's a funny time of year. Fingers crossed for Ms Dog Walker and that many more come out of the woodwork in the New Year!

@WeWantTheFinestWines Good luck on the date tonight!

@Knutface @Iprefergin @OnlyClothes @PotatoGoblins Welcome!

@Misty9 Hope the spark comes back soon!

@Eesha Soooo happy for you! 🥰

@TobyEsterhaseSounds like nice progress! Sorry about Mr Derry Girl removing herself from the running. Bullet dodged!

@RayoftheTriffids Hoping for more Irons for you soon!

@OnwardsEverStridingOnwards ❤️ You're doing awesome!

@MizK 2022 is going to be sooo much better, I know it!

@Dancerinthemoonlight Fingers crossed for someone awesome out in the wild!

@Caramelblonde Maybe sparks will fly at the meet?!

@Onesmallstep67 Im glad you're talking about it - hoping you can find a way forward as so many other things sound really good.

@Stayingstrongish Early days on my end but as you all may remember, poor MrT had far too many "proper" talks before we first DTD. I'm obviously a firm believer in just being open about it. I don't think it needs to kill the mood if you're grown up about it and seems to have really worked. We all like different things but there's lots of ways to meet in the middle!

@Isitreallyme1277 Hope you feel better soon!

@BelladiMamma Eeep! Lovely that he took the lead though!! Feeling all the good things about this one.

Phew, think I'm all caught up but sorry if I missed anyone!!

Checking in, I don't think I posted on the last thread at all ...

I'm on the apps, been on some dates, even second and third dates but no one that's actually right for me.

I tried dating outwith my usual "type" to see if I could broaden my horizons but it didn't work out. Nice guys, fun to spend time with but I just wasn't excited about them. Sticking to what I know I'm looking for from now on.

I get lots of messages on POF but very rarely anyone I reply to. Don't get many matches on Tinder or Bumble, I think both because I don't swipe on many people but also that age bracket thing. I'm 41 and I think a lot of guys cut off their age range at 40.

But I'll keep up with the strong boundaries and positive thinking, hopefully 2022 will be a good year for dating and relationships 🤞🏼

@BelladiMamma it's hard to describe but we have a connection (not even slightly romantic) have done since out first meet, its like talking to the male version of me sometimes but slightly(okay a lot) less insecure. He gets me, he brings me out of myself, I've never been so comfortable with someone. It took me so long to actually accept he likes me as a person and that he wasn't going to disappear. He has also been really supportive and was one of a handful of people who checked up on me when my world was falling apart in the summer. He also always asks about my cats(remembers their names), like you would about children, and that means so much to me.

@InABetterPlaceNow thanks hopefully I'll be able to do something soon. I was supposed to be hitting the gym this week too.

Checking in, hope you're okay @BelladiMamma? No one wants s contraception crisis but glad Mr Dublin is stepping up.
Hope you're soon feeling better too @Isitreallyme1277 and you get some sort of resolution with Mr Cricket, if a friendship is salvageable.
@PotatoGoblins if the split with your exh was recent just bear in mind it could be a rebound thing for you.. my rebound helped me build my confidence and I learned a lot, but by gosh did it hurt when it ended.
@Stayingstrongish hmm I'm not sure- do you like it in the moment? There's a thread on the sex topic at the moment about a guy not doing missionary and there's some interesting pointers for more romantic sex than 'hot'.
Coming up to seven months now with Mr D and still loved up, we've each met all our important people and things feel bright 🥂

@BelladiMamma would you bring up not liking something that’s said during sex at the time? Or perhaps when relaxing afterwards?

@teesguy knowing the difference between your and you’re makes you a catch from my point of view!

@Heartbeats0708 I do kinda like it in the moment to be honest, and then I feel bad at myself for liking it afterwards. Think I have issues! Thanks for mentioning the thread, will check it out.

That’s lovely that things are going so well with Mr D.

[quote Stayingstrongish]@BelladiMamma would you bring up not liking something that’s said during sex at the time? Or perhaps when relaxing afterwards?

@teesguy knowing the difference between your and you’re makes you a catch from my point of view![/quote]
@Stayingstrongish

Jeez this is moving fast !
@Onesmallstep67 , 2 years, no sex wow, you have more patience than me.

@teesguy
Oh mate, tell me about it, we have shipped 14 goals this month & not scored once, Pukki is just not cutting it right now, we need a 30 a season striker, but who will come to Norwich?.

@PotatoGoblins who does Mr Football support, this is the key question we need answers to

@BelladiMamma did a rubber split ?, they do sometimes.

@InABetterPlaceNow thanks, will have to keep an eye nope for MS Dog Walker.

@Stayingstrongish I know you asked @BelladiMamma, but for me if someone was doing something I didn't like I'd say "stop" whereas if they said a one off thing I'd leave it and bring it up gently afterwards, "Just so you know, I felt a bit uncomfortable when you said xyz - but when you were saying abc it turned me on sooo much". That way he gets an idea of what you DO like and doesn't feel like he's done things all wrong and you get more of the good stuff! If it was a string of things I didn't like, I'd again say "stop" then either take a break and talk through what wasn't working or take control and do something else depending on how it had affected me. I'm lucky in that MrT responds very well to this so YMMV 🙈

@Stayingstrongish the reason I asked is because I wondered if you genuinely didn't enjoy it or just "thought you shouldn't enjoy it"- and there's such a massive difference. It took a long time, a lot of work and a very experimental/easy going fwb for me to feel more liberated and unashamed of my sexuality. Unless someone was doing something really off putting or that I physically didn't enjoy and wanted to stop, I'd probably wait til after. A bit of a "debrief" but of course if you're uncomfortable in the moment then absolutely speak up. If it's a bit of kink could you open up a conversation about safe words? Red/amber?

@Isitreallyme1277 I'm sure you'll groan at this comment but he hasn't contacted you since last week and hardly seems to have reached out since you slept together when he had already had a girlfriend he was spending Christmas with. You again are reaching out to him to get him to open up but he reads your message and doesn't reply. Had you not reached out, do you think he would have contacted you at all?
He doesn't sound at all like the friend you think he is. I'm sorry for sounding harsh but I think he's horrible.