Dating thread 222: into 2022 and beyond

[BelladiMamma]

The rules as a screenshot (feel free to copy and paste them in).

I wonder if it’s an age/experience thing too? When I was young I analysed/overthought like crazy - and shit happened anyway. Understanding stuff didn’t help. Now my head is pretty much full of puppies and flowers, I trust my emotions and instincts far more, and I’m much much happier.

So I’m probably more like @curmudgeonly007 (GREAT name) and @Stepcount now - but I learn so much from all of you, let’s hear it for diverse approaches!

@ReturnOfTheBunk

Beverage for my (kind of unconsciously) Dry January. Cadbury’s hot chocolate

Yup, drinking gallons of the stuff! Fuck off, osteoporosis

I think analysing is partly a defence thing, it helps to try and see shit coming and be prepared?? For me anyway. On the defensive I guess.

@Badbaddog That's a good point. I think my head was full of puppies and rainbows when I was younger, my experiences changed how I perceived things, I became more wary and found it harder to live in the moment. I agree with you that thinking about things doesn't change or control things anyway. I am slowly getting back to trusting my instincts and emotions and becoming happier. Totally agree we can all learn from each other.

@ButterflyOfShay

I think analysing is partly a defence thing, it helps to try and see shit coming and be prepared?? For me anyway. On the defensive I guess.

@ButterflyOfShay I get that x

I think as well "apps dating" with no "previous checking people out" can be potentially quite dangerous with lots of pushy guys/predators so I don't mind asking if I have any concerns or thinking out loud.

What's that quote - "men are scared women will laugh at them, women are scared men will kill them."

I mean I'm at the stage now where my filtering is Ok, I've had a few annoying dates/chats, am slightly sad as the one I wanted seems to be fizzling out. And some pleasant memories.

But that's manageable.

But when I look at my "naivete" when first on Tinder I'm like "wtf was I doing agreeing to those guys".

I mean resilience of youth and all that, but also I wouldn't want to be putting myself in those meets now! Definitely have improved my boundaries and judgement a lot thanks to this thread. And this means that if/when I'm back on the apps it will be a slightly more pleasant experience I hope!

@ButterflyOfShay

I think analysing is partly a defence thing, it helps to try and see shit coming and be prepared?? For me anyway. On the defensive I guess.

I’m definitely in the over-analysing camp. I think it’s a way to try to find patterns and meaning to try to reduce the uncertainty.

I don’t think @FabulousMrFifty was saying we were doing too much of it though - he just said he must be an “emotional cretin” because he doesn’t do it. I can understand that to our non overthinking (mostly male?) brethren, some of these behaviours must be perplexing. But he didn’t say we were wrong for doing it.

@ButterflyOfShay I'd love that amount! One desk plant and I've potted some cactus cuttings and 2 out of 3 have rooted.

Men and women just generally think very differently don't they @ibelieveinmirrorballs and from my experience generally men don’t like the analysing we do! How was your sea swim today? 🙂

@ReturnOfTheBunk

*@ButterflyOfShay* I'd love that amount! One desk plant and I've potted some cactus cuttings and 2 out of 3 have rooted.

Some of them I’ve had for nearly 20 years. They really are family members 🙂

Just a quick check in to day how lovely it is to read about people being all smitten and loved up....it can happen!
And to the absolute machines smashing dry January- keep going! It's such a gift to yourself - as St Rupaul says, if you can't love yourself how the hell you gonna love somebody else 😅
Big wave to everyone, ready for an early night after a busy weekend. 😴

@ButterflyOfShay

Men and women just generally think very differently don't they *@ibelieveinmirrorballs* and from my experience generally men don’t like the analysing we do! How was your sea swim today? 🙂

Interesting conversations on here re analysing / overthinking. I think everyone knows I do this but it's entirely trauma based for me (rather than a gender thing). It does get worse when I'm approaching my monthly but I do it on some level a lot of the time.

It's definitely a protection thing for me. It helps me feel more in control of the situation I think to understand myself and my reactions, along with the other person and their reactions.

MrT doesn't overthink from what I've seen - but he doesn't mind the deeper conversations / getting to the root of issues which is helpful for me.

I would much prefer to not have had the trauma and therefore need to do the unpicking work but I feel like it's all starting to unravel and pay off! Years of therapy have helped me do it much quicker "internally" now but having stayed single so long it was probably always going to trigger new stuff to work through.

Had a very much needed day with MrT today. Pub meal and a few drinks for most of the afternoon, then back to his for the evening. Plan was to watch a film I've been wanting to see but we got distracted 😅 and ran out of time. So spent the last hour just cuddling and dozing and it was bloody lovely.

Now deciding if I watch the film by myself or wait until we get a chance to watch it 😁 I really want to see it! And I know he'd really enjoy it. I think I'm going to watch it, at this rate we won't end up watching it together for yonks. Plenty more films out there!

I love how different people are (from each other) on this thread and I love how much we can all learn from that diversity of thought. Male and female; over-analysers and gut-instincters; multi-daters and one-at-a-timers; sexters and non-sexters… etc. So many different perspectives. Sometimes, someone’s had a similar experience to me and I learn loads from how they handled their experiences; other times people have completely different experiences/perspectives and I learn loads from those too. It’s brilliant!

Something @Startingover37 said really made me think. Dating was the first time in a long time, I saw myself as more than a mother and wanted to have fun for myself again. It’s very true for me too. For years now I’ve got used to constantly having to be Mummy Me, or Professional Me, or (while I was with my ex) Perfect Wife Me (which was hard, as he had very/unrealistically high expectations and could get very angry and aggressive if his expectations weren’t met - so I was always walking on eggshells). For years I never really got to be just Me. Even now, when I meet up with friends, I’ve normally got DC with me (as I have DC 100% of the time unless I arrange babysitting) so I’m still being Mummy Me. Dating during 2021 was the first time I could just relax and be myself. And I really enjoyed that - it was so fun and nice. I think with hindsight, that’s partly why I miss(ed) Mr G so much - to an extent I’m actually just missing a part of Me.

Anyway, I think I’ve just proven my credentials for the Over-Thinkers Club 🤣

Also love that quote @ReturnOfTheBunk about “men are scared women will laugh at them; women are scared men will kill them”. I think it was on one of the other threads that one of the guys said that his perfect first date would be a walk in the woods? And while I totally agree with him in principle, there’s absolutely no way I’d go for a walk in the woods with a male stranger from the internet. The amount of background-checking that I feel the need to do on a new iron would probably seem absurd to the average guy. And it consumes time and headspace and energy. But sadly it feels necessary, just in case.

@InABetterPlaceNow yes I think I’m like you - my overthinking has certainly been exacerbated by trauma and the need to self-protect. That sounds like a lovely evening with Mr T ☺️ - so pleased for you. Watch the film!

I wasn’t planning to do Dry January, but a combination of being inspired by people on this thread and having had too much to drink over New Year and feeling a bit glum last week means I’ve actually not had a drink since last Sunday. Cheering the rest of you on! (and stuffing my face with chocolate…)

I'm a huge overthinker myself and worry that the end is nigh all the time. Mr Music constantly shows me how much he cares about me yet the slightest thing makes me panic that he's about to flee. Interestingly when I first arrived on Friday, some stuff happened and he was completely silent and flummoxed about how he was feeling, that he was falling for me massively and I watched how he was overthinking too. I guess women just have the rep that we do it a lot but actually men do it too!

[quote curmudgeonly007]@BelladiMamma
I’m not feeling curmudgeonly, in fact quite enlightened.
On a post yesterday someone was expressing that their iron needed to be more this, that and the other, it dawned on me that previously I have been that iron, Ms Business especially, she used to tell me I needed to more forward, more assertive, and that’s just not me, so was that failed relationship really my fault?

The post from @ButterflyOfShay made me contemplate as well, why would my thinking be so different, why would things never my mind? Am I really that unthinking?[/quote]
My humble opinion on this is no, absolutely not you. It's one thing to want fundamental personality changes, and another to communicate where needs are lacking (for instance a lack of texts / initiation / sexual preferences etc). And even then, you can communicate them but it's a request to find a compromise - or just accept you are mismatches in that way and unable to meet each other's needs.

No one is going to be 100% the other peoples match so it comes down to if they are match enough to make you happy or if you're always hoping the other person will eventually change into what you want them to be. The second one is silly.

Absolutely realise I'm offering you my thought processes in my overthinks way but I don't think you will mind too much as I'm entirely on your side on the above!! ❤️

This makes me think about you not wanting to overthink and faced with us lot here 😁

✅ overthinker + ✅ on the smitten bench = 🤪

Agree with @PurpleStripyScarf ref learning so much from the different perspectives on here. The general sense that in all our different ways we arrive here with our various “war wounds”… it’s never going to be straightforward to get over past trauma and “re-attach” to the next person with ease, but I think this thread and everyone’s shared experience gives hope that we can learn and adapt and get better at it.

To be fair @curmudgeonly007 that poster was sharing difficulties arising in a long-term relationship which I think is quite different to meeting someone and fairly early on expecting them to be something they’re not. Life gets in the way and it’s easy trot our connection to that other person to suddenly feel threatened and vulnerable. Talking to each other and saying how you feel is essential and I don’t think expressing what it is you think you need in a relationship equates to saying that person “should” be this, that or the other.

@ButterflyOfShay

Men and women just generally think very differently don't they *@ibelieveinmirrorballs* and from my experience generally men don’t like the analysing we do! How was your sea swim today? 🙂

Swim was amazing! There were loads of us down there (a veritable swarm of dryrobes 😝) and it was incredibly sunny and joyous. Oh and freezing - 7 degrees in the water 🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶🥶

My boundaries remain strong (see picture).

Met a nice guy on the walk today, might ping him in a week or so and see if he wants to meet for tea.

I have nineteen Tinder matches, two are speaking to me. And MrConsultant from Feeld is still chatting now and then.

@VanGoghsDog

My boundaries remain strong (see picture).

Met a nice guy on the walk today, might ping him in a week or so and see if he wants to meet for tea.

I have nineteen Tinder matches, two are speaking to me. And MrConsultant from Feeld is still chatting now and then.

Excellent reply and boundary setting!

@VanGoghsDog

My boundaries remain strong (see picture).

Met a nice guy on the walk today, might ping him in a week or so and see if he wants to meet for tea.

I have nineteen Tinder matches, two are speaking to me. And MrConsultant from Feeld is still chatting now and then.

This is when I troll them and ask them if they're a good boy and have been wearing their lederhosen that day

Sometimes that triggers massive interest from them 😂 but frankly ... fuck off

@curmudgeonly007 @FabulousMrFifty I'm genuinely a bit confused by your posts. Do you think I've singled you out or been offensive? That absolutely wasn't the intention. Also, with the relationship concerns, sometimes it helps to share a specific incident as it's hard to see in from the outside if there's been something happen which you've alluded to but haven't given the full story on. Otherwise it's hard to help or offer any advice.

Anyway I wish you well and hopefully we can all carry on sharing in our various ways!

good boundaries and that's mental @VanGoghsDog - the awful thing now that's often not even "the one weird guy in a week", a significant percentage of chats and matches can go that way?

It just seems the "norm" for someone to start getting into how you're intending to fulfil his sexual fantasies (with no preamble or buildup or consent) as you're chatting about the weather or garages - wtf?

Is there a going-to-bed-early January or am I going to have to invent it? I feel in control of my drinking but I seem incapable of going to bed before 11 and then I'm on my phone forever! I think I'm developing an addiction to TikTok. I'm sure I don't get enough sleep and I believe that's pretty unhealthy. I get up at 6.30 and rarely go to sleep before midnight or later. I wake up frequently in the night as well - this came with the menopause and often involves being hot even though my bedroom is glacial. So that probably makes it even more important to get to sleep earlier.

I think there's a large element of "I've finally got the sofa and remote control"-itis when the DC go to bed around 9/9.30 and I then want to chill out and watch something. I should probably leave the phone downstairs and read when I do go to bed. And stop watching crap TV - although I did enjoy revisiting Seinfeld's Soup Nazi episode tonight.

Right, I'm going to put my phone down and read my book. Every night in January. Night all of you - smitten benchers, overthinkers, boundary setters... 😴

@ReturnOfTheBunk

good boundaries and that's mental *@VanGoghsDog* - the awful thing now that's often not even "the one weird guy in a week", a significant percentage of chats and matches can go that way?

It just seems the "norm" for someone to start getting into how you're intending to fulfil his sexual fantasies (with no preamble or buildup or consent) as you're chatting about the weather or garages - wtf?

That was about four messages in of our first contact. The messages above I was (boringly) talking about my car lights (got them fixed today!).

He asked me "when was the last time you did something dangerous" and I said I drove my car with no headlights that day. 😂

His questions were just ridiculous and while I sort of answered the first clothing one (though it's not a binary choice!), I won't be called a "good girl" (I swallowed "lass") and it was obvious he was trying to find out how "sexy" I am. Idiotic.