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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sister in law wants my husband

168 replies

Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 00:38

It scares me. My sister in law is 54, never was married nor had children. I doubt she ever had a man I'm her bed - sad..
She always was outspoken, loud and rude. But this visit she lost it completely. She shouted at her parents (usual stuff) but ended up swearing at out DS for no obvious reason too.

The biggest issue I have is my husband feeling obliged to" look after her as she has noone else". She takes advantage. She can call him upto 10 times a day with various problems: leaking tap, broken washing machine, MIL high blood pressure (she lives with parents) etc. She can call any time of the day even 4am which drives me crazy.

Hubby understands where I m.coming from but "loves his parents and sister" and "she looks after them for him" , so cant say no..

I feel she invades our family space and takes advantage of my hubby.

Advice pls

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 13:20

13:19dailingping

"Tiaptia85

"13:12dailingping

BluePlatt

This thread has been taken over by complete whackos. Sometimes happens especially if they get in first.

Whackos like the op?"

more like some dialing ping 😆😆

That's up for debate"

oh please, but not today 🤣🤣

OP posts:
dailingping · 30/12/2021 13:25

@Tiaptia85

13:19dailingping

"Tiaptia85

"13:12dailingping

BluePlatt

This thread has been taken over by complete whackos. Sometimes happens especially if they get in first.

Whackos like the op?"

more like some dialing ping 😆😆

That's up for debate"

oh please, but not today 🤣🤣

No I think we should be working towards helping you have more constructive outlets for your jealously than checking your dh's phone and dictating his communication with other people outside of the marriage. Has he looked at the freedom programme?
DottyHarmer · 30/12/2021 13:26

Thinking about this, I can imagine that the sil is raging that she is stuck with the ageing parents, and as the years go on her chance of escaping and getting to live her life grows ever slimmer.

I know a few people who have been left with the burden of care, and it is not just annoying and depressing, but sometimes makes them very bitter. Especially if they can see that a sibling has married, has children and goes on holidays etc whilst they are stuck in waiting for carers, dealing with parents’ random or irritating ways, having endless demands placed on them.

And to add insult to injury in swoops the “free” sibling occasionally to the great pleasure of the parents. And the visitor wonders why their single, downtrodden sibling has a cat’s bum face….

OP, the dsis may be a pain in the neck, but congratulate yourself that you are not stuck with the in-laws and offer support to her - I’m sure even a supportive or friendly “Oh, I know…” would help. Her being on side will benefit you in the long run.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/12/2021 13:28

you can't divorce a husband of 25 years with whom you have assets and children just like that

Are you being deliberately obtuse?

Nobody is saying divorce is an easy thing.

Nobody is saying it should be done on a whim.

But this issue is driving you to check his phone, have lots of marital issues, bad mouth his family and you describe it as ruining your marriage...

So it wouldn't be that you were breaking up 'just like that', it would be that you were breaking up due to an ongoing issue that's not improved for years, makes you anxious all the time, has destroyed trust between you, has spoilt your relationship with his family and is something he's unwilling or unable to change.

You want people to simultaneously be 'on your side' but also not say yes it sounds shit, I couldn't live like that, leave him?

So what do you want people to say? Join in with your misogynist slagging off of his sister and pat you on the back for being a martyr to something that you're clearly unhappy about that your husband shows no intention of changing? What good would that do you?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/12/2021 13:29

@DottyHarmer

Thinking about this, I can imagine that the sil is raging that she is stuck with the ageing parents, and as the years go on her chance of escaping and getting to live her life grows ever slimmer.

I know a few people who have been left with the burden of care, and it is not just annoying and depressing, but sometimes makes them very bitter. Especially if they can see that a sibling has married, has children and goes on holidays etc whilst they are stuck in waiting for carers, dealing with parents’ random or irritating ways, having endless demands placed on them.

And to add insult to injury in swoops the “free” sibling occasionally to the great pleasure of the parents. And the visitor wonders why their single, downtrodden sibling has a cat’s bum face….

OP, the dsis may be a pain in the neck, but congratulate yourself that you are not stuck with the in-laws and offer support to her - I’m sure even a supportive or friendly “Oh, I know…” would help. Her being on side will benefit you in the long run.

This is very sensible and thoughtful advice. OP doesn't seem to see the situation from the POV of the sibling who has always had to do more for the parents, which has left her unable to have as much of a life of her own... which OP then belittles her for on here...

Hopefully she can take this on board.

Suzanne999 · 30/12/2021 13:51

@catpisscrazy

You sound paranoid and a lil toxiiiiic.
I agree with you this is way too much. Either your SIL can’t cope and this is her way of a cry for help. Or she wants to feel in charge of everyone she can, in a way of if I keep order over everyone nothing can go wrong Or she’s just very very demanding. If it’s the first point, she can’t cope, then putting in some extra help using carer’s allowance or contacting SS might help. If it’s the other two then your husband has to put boundaries in place. Calls only between 9 and 7. Or one call at 7 pm giving a list of jobs that need doing. There’s only so many things can go wrong in a house so it can’t be a daily list. Maybe arrange some respite care for her so she gets some time off?
Suzanne999 · 30/12/2021 13:52

Aaaggghb. I’ve quoted wrong post again. SORRY. Reply ^^ meant for OP

Crystalvas · 30/12/2021 14:57

[quote catpisscrazy]@Crystalvas kiss my prolapse [/quote]
You sound childish. Grin

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/12/2021 16:03

Or childlike.

Captnip500 · 30/12/2021 16:10

I was a carer for my mum for 5 years until she passed away quite recently. And I can tell you that it is a massive undertaking that completely takes over your life. I don’t think you quite understand the sacrifice you SIL is making in taking on this role for your partner. What would you do if she decides to move out? Move in with them yourself? Put them
In a care home and pay exorbitant fees? Sure, you say she loves it, and that’s probably true and should be commended, but that doesn’t mean it’s not extremely draining and time consuming for her. I loved looking after my mum but it took over my whole life and was INCREDIBLE hard both physically and emotionally.

There’s talk of ‘setting boundaries’ with your SIL. I think there’s SOME merit in that but what would happen if your SIL also set some boundaries of her own? Say expecting the weekends off to herself, or a couple of weeks break a year? It wouldn’t exactly be unreasonable but someone else would have to step up wouldn’t they? Disability and care doesn’t run to a schedule.

I do understand that 15 calls a day is excessive (unless was during a time of extreme stress and it isn’t the norm) but you need to see your SIL’s demands as a sign she is struggling to cope with this immense job and try and put other plans in place rather than blaming her. Have some sympathy for her, it sounds like she is struggling.

I also have to say, you are coming across as pretty snide in a lot of your replies to commenters and towards your SIL (the sex life comments were completely irrelevant and seemed pretty nasty). If you are like this in your everyday life I can’t imagine it’s helpful to the situation and makes it seems like you have a poor attitude.

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2021 16:15

@Tiaptia85

because i think sex is an important part of a human life and it forms the character in a specific way. so it may explain a bit more about her.
OFGS

Are you bored?

Nanny0gg · 30/12/2021 16:16

@Tiaptia85

once again thanks everybody for your views. that was the reason I wrote the post.

I spoke with my hubby re putting boundaries with her. He will not take calls outside x and x hours and will try to reduce her calls to a couple a week unless it's an emergency.

But I do feel for her tbh. I think if she had a friend or a partner she would be much happier.

Doubt she's got time...
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/12/2021 18:21

But I do feel for her tbh

I was hoping you’d turned a corner and then you finished it with this

I think if she had a friend or a partner she would be much happier.

So if she got the sex life you’ve decided would complete her, then she’d be happier?

Nanny0gg has it.

The only holes she has got to concern herself with now are the two who are leaving her to it.

AfterEightMintyCedric · 31/12/2021 11:52

@Tiaptia85

I suggest you pack your SIL off on an enforces holiday for 4-6 weeks and take over the care of her parents yourself.

Then make a decision about how to proceed.

Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 31/12/2021 12:13

Hey guys, enough crussifying here.

Happy New Year, May it bring you all happiness and cheer. 🍾🌟

OP posts:
Monty27 · 31/12/2021 17:57

@trigo

Gold star for *@Monty27* for spotting a typo.
Well it did cause a titter 🤣 immature of me I know
bonfireheart · 01/01/2022 13:19

I think if she had a friend or a partner she would be much happier.

....Been single for 5 years, Been the most productive and happiest time of my life.

DottyHarmer · 01/01/2022 17:13

Also the day the sil finds a partner is the day OP and her Dh will have to be much more involved with the Pil….. OP should send up a prayer every day that the sil remains partnerless and friendless Hmm

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