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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sister in law wants my husband

168 replies

Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 00:38

It scares me. My sister in law is 54, never was married nor had children. I doubt she ever had a man I'm her bed - sad..
She always was outspoken, loud and rude. But this visit she lost it completely. She shouted at her parents (usual stuff) but ended up swearing at out DS for no obvious reason too.

The biggest issue I have is my husband feeling obliged to" look after her as she has noone else". She takes advantage. She can call him upto 10 times a day with various problems: leaking tap, broken washing machine, MIL high blood pressure (she lives with parents) etc. She can call any time of the day even 4am which drives me crazy.

Hubby understands where I m.coming from but "loves his parents and sister" and "she looks after them for him" , so cant say no..

I feel she invades our family space and takes advantage of my hubby.

Advice pls

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 03:18
Shock
OP posts:
Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 03:20

I don't know, that why I wrote on Mumsnet

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 03:21

hope so too. glad I'm not the only one who sees the problem in SIL

OP posts:
PrincessNutella · 30/12/2021 03:58

That is just nuts. And it is a problem with your husband, because he is taking those calls.

RantyAunty · 30/12/2021 04:08

I doubt it's really 15 calls a day.

Yes, your DH has gotten the easy part as he isn't the one living with them taking care of them. His sister is.

Maybe she wanted to have a life of her own but was guilted into caring for her parents. When has his sister had a chance to have a life of her own?

Instead of just offering, your DH can take charge and hire the people and send them over.

Midlifemusings · 30/12/2021 04:09

You say they asked for help putting a TV up and your DH couldn't be bothered to do that. It sounds like your SIL does 100% of the caring for her parents home and the parents and you are irritated you even have to hear from them.

You call her controlling but then you monitor your DH's phone and check his call logs - so maybe this is a jealousy thing with two controlling people.

15 calls a day is a lot but there are bigger issues underlying the calls that your DH should be dealing with. Just because his sister lives with them doesn't absolve him from being a son and also still helping out.

user1471457751 · 30/12/2021 04:19

Why did your son get involved in the TV issue - surely it would be for you/DH to say you couldn't put it up? And really, given how little your husband does for his parents could he not have stayed a little longer to put the TV up?

Jaguar77 · 30/12/2021 05:14

Your sister in law is dumped taking care of two elderly parents .I sincerely doubt it's 15 calls a day.
You put a title implying incest which is vile on your part. The whole time of these post is unspeakably cruel .maybe try some empathy for a lonely isolated woman who has been nominated as a carer by her ungreatful family

676gg · 30/12/2021 06:37

Its hard, plenty of women talk to their mum 15times a day.Is that weird. If roles were reversed and it was the brother taking care of them and the sister living away.....people would be more accepting of it

Neron · 30/12/2021 06:50

Why have you titled the thread like this? Your SIL, doesn't want your brother, she wants him to share the load of looking after their parents.

Your comment about never having a man in her bed, and also about sex forming a specific character - well it says more about how nasty and spiteful you are. Having had, or not had, sex is no concern of yours and doesn't detract from your husband needing to share responsibility. Would you like it if your SIL wrote a thread about you on you, based on your other threads?

No your son shouldn't haven't got involved, yes you most definitely should have stayed longer to put the TV up for them, no you shouldn't be checking the call log and deciding your SIL is calling her brother too much.

oopsyoudiditagain · 30/12/2021 06:54

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

YourenutsmiLord · 30/12/2021 07:04

I'm not sure what you can do - how far away do you live?
I would insist DH does not inform or involve you. Perhaps if you don't provide support for him he will consider putting in boundaries.
I doubt the parents are that old so you have yeaaaars of this to come.
Keep yourself busy with your own friends and hobbies and ignore.
You can't fix this.

girlmom21 · 30/12/2021 07:09

How old is your son? Because I'd be asking why it's ok for your son to be sworn at and abused if sons are so important to the family dynamic?

wildseas · 30/12/2021 07:30

If I was your DH and I wanted to reduce the calls I would begin calling her at a set time every day eg 10am; and proactively asking how are mum and dad, do you need me to do anything to help, how are you doing with the caring?
Then I would "miss" some of the calls later on in the day and catch up with what she wanted to ask about in the next day 10am call. Sometimes I would say something like "I'm in meetings this afternoon so I won't be free but I'll call you at 10 tomorrow" and not answer any of them.
I think it sounds like PIL need quite a bit if support and care. If thats the case I would also set up a schedual for visiting - eg every six weeks - and book a handyman to do jobs when I am there so that PIL get used to him. I would then use the same person for emergencies when I wasn't there so its not a stranger.

Didimum · 30/12/2021 07:40

DH problem not an SIL problem. It’s his failure to put better boundaries in place.

Mybalconyiscracking · 30/12/2021 07:40

I really think people should read the posts before laying into the OP. Not all daughters who look after aged parents are saints. Not all sons who marry and move away are neglectful arseholes. The OP has a right to feel aggrieved if they are receiving 1-5 phone calls per day from someone who refuses to have a tradesperson into the house to put a flatscreen TV onto the wall (not a minor task to do properly).
Having said that, the sister is obviously struggling, the DH needs to sit down with her and his parents, set some boundaries and work out the best way to support them all.

Thatsplentyjack · 30/12/2021 07:47

Why have you worded your title like that? And why have you thought so much about your sil sex life and how the fuck do you know anything about her sex life?

Your dh hardly has to do anything for his parents because he lives far away. Why could he take 20 mins to put up a TV? Sounds like he is happy to help and wants to help but you and your ds are stopping him.

Fairylights25 · 30/12/2021 07:59

It seems you and dh need a plan.

When we had this, we would not answer calls, just texts. Gradually replied days and days later with the number for a handyman. Ask dh to put his phone on silent and ignore his sister, she does seem very intense. Maybe lonely?

I would ask him to ensure during family time, the phone is on silent. He will soon know if it is an emergency as she will text and call repeatedly.

Distance yourself from the whole thing, and don't get emotionally involved. Your dh can do what he wants as long as it does not affect you, and remind him his priority is you and the children.

By the way I would never take my children anywhere that involved anyone shouting at them.

SunshineOnKeith · 30/12/2021 08:10

@Tiaptia85

because i think sex is an important part of a human life and it forms the character in a specific way. so it may explain a bit more about her.
Please do tell us exactly how having a sex life or not affects character.

How often do you and your husband have sex @Tiaptia85 ?
I'm sure you'll agree it's important to us to understand your characters in this situation.

Why did you leave such essential information out?

catpisscrazy · 30/12/2021 08:16

Poster: I suspect my partner is having an affair shall I check his phone?
Mumsnet: psycho
Poster: I check my partners phone without permission to see when and how many times my DH's sister has rung him to discuss their elderly parents.
Mumsnet: you do you, hun. Fuck his sister (not literally,op) and his feelings and his privacy.

Op, you need a restraining order and your dh needs a divorce.

gogohm · 30/12/2021 08:19

Your issue is he doesn't set boundaries, he could simply not answer his phone, he could ring once a day and that's it. I'm guessing they are demanding things of her and she's sharing the burden

girlmom21 · 30/12/2021 08:20

@catpisscrazy

Poster: I suspect my partner is having an affair shall I check his phone? Mumsnet: psycho Poster: I check my partners phone without permission to see when and how many times my DH's sister has rung him to discuss their elderly parents. Mumsnet: you do you, hun. Fuck his sister (not literally,op) and his feelings and his privacy.

Op, you need a restraining order and your dh needs a divorce.

She hasn't checked his phone. Presumably he has a ringtone that she hears when his sister calls.

Your username is pretty apt.
Are you the SIL?

slashlover · 30/12/2021 08:23

@Tiaptia85

because i think sex is an important part of a human life and it forms the character in a specific way. so it may explain a bit more about her.
Hey OP, I've never "had a man in my bed", am I sad too?
catpisscrazy · 30/12/2021 08:25

@Tiaptia85

thank you everybody. I read all the comments. with some I agree, with some - completely disagree, the others - will think about. but still thank you!

I just don't get next, if we offer help in most cases they decline it but still call hundred times a day. how does that help?

and yes, I check his phone when I feel that something is wrong. I know some will disagree but it is my family and if something makes my family unstable and unhappy, I will investigate.

@girlmom21
Yuledo · 30/12/2021 08:26

It sounds as if you’ve tried to help her but have just got to the point of it’s too much and she won’t accept any practical solutions that are offered. I see your point.

So now it’s teaching dh to still be supportive but put boundaries in place. No calls between x and x time. Etc.
Perhaps help her to get emotional support. Perhaps he needs to call her out on that and actually say “ I don’t think you are really ringing about x are you as we can easily solve that with the handyman etc. I’m happy to chat but let’s make it a couple of times a day” etc.

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