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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sister in law wants my husband

168 replies

Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 00:38

It scares me. My sister in law is 54, never was married nor had children. I doubt she ever had a man I'm her bed - sad..
She always was outspoken, loud and rude. But this visit she lost it completely. She shouted at her parents (usual stuff) but ended up swearing at out DS for no obvious reason too.

The biggest issue I have is my husband feeling obliged to" look after her as she has noone else". She takes advantage. She can call him upto 10 times a day with various problems: leaking tap, broken washing machine, MIL high blood pressure (she lives with parents) etc. She can call any time of the day even 4am which drives me crazy.

Hubby understands where I m.coming from but "loves his parents and sister" and "she looks after them for him" , so cant say no..

I feel she invades our family space and takes advantage of my hubby.

Advice pls

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 10:54

you are absolution right here!! 💖

OP posts:
DownToTheSeaAgain · 30/12/2021 10:55

She sounds difficult but then I would imagine that being the default carer would make one difficult. Perhaps your DH should be more forceful and offer to come up x2 weekends/ month to give her a break (chance to find a 'man for her bed'Confused) and when he is there he can get a proper view of how much help is actually needed on a day to day basis.

Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 10:55

I might become a bit more possessive, aging perhaps 😆😆

OP posts:
thedancingbear · 30/12/2021 10:57

The OP misogynistic opening gambit about her SIL’s (lack of) sex life is ducking horrible.

I couldn’t be bothered after that tbh

Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 11:03

hmm. I will think about that.

in reality, whatever DH does, SIL is never happy with, she makes nasty remarks even
in front of our kids, diminishes DH. all done in a joking ways but hey...

we always helped out as much as we could, all those years. in stead of going on holidays, we would go to help them out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 11:03

but you still wrote her comment 😁😆

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 11:04

*your

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 30/12/2021 11:06

@Tiaptia85

so you are saying if you would notice that smth/someone destroys your marriage you would just let it be rather than find the reason??
The only people who can destroy a marriage are the 2 people in it
Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 11:12

you are deeply mistaken.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/12/2021 11:15

FYI you're not tagging or quoting people in your replies OP so it's hard to know who each of your posts is aimed at.

Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 11:22

11:15youvegottenminuteslynn

thank you for pointing out, I "reply" but obviously it does come out the correct way.

OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 30/12/2021 11:25

Ok… same issue here, it is now working beautifully at a expense of a massive family breakdown:

  • We divorced
  • ExH remarried, but his wife put the foot down before the ILs ruined her relationship too and they have not had any contact with the inlaws for years (no contact at all)
  • once divorced, I also put my foot down and stopped contact, which they wanted because they couldn’t have access to DS through his father.
  • 10 years later we get along beautifully, do you know why? Because now they know where the boundaries are and they also know that if they don’t respect them, the door will close on their face again very quickly and will stay shut for the foreseeable. Simple as that.

As you can see from my post, our wet husband never sorted the problem himself though. He had had the same shit going on all his life that never could see how unacceptable the situation was.

dailingping · 30/12/2021 11:26

Husband needs a new woman in his bed

GrandmasCat · 30/12/2021 11:26

To tag people in your reply you just need to write @nameofposter you are replying to.

Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 11:30

@GrandmasCat

Ok… same issue here, it is now working beautifully at a expense of a massive family breakdown:
  • We divorced
  • ExH remarried, but his wife put the foot down before the ILs ruined her relationship too and they have not had any contact with the inlaws for years (no contact at all)
  • once divorced, I also put my foot down and stopped contact, which they wanted because they couldn’t have access to DS through his father.
  • 10 years later we get along beautifully, do you know why? Because now they know where the boundaries are and they also know that if they don’t respect them, the door will close on their face again very quickly and will stay shut for the foreseeable. Simple as that.

As you can see from my post, our wet husband never sorted the problem himself though. He had had the same shit going on all his life that never could see how unacceptable the situation was.

I don't like a "wet husband" expression but I think I better except the reality 😒
OP posts:
Momijin · 30/12/2021 11:32

Hey op. I have the answer. Why don't you move in with his parents and you and hubby can do all the caring and arranging of jobs?

Then that means your SIL won't need to call her brother 15x a day and will also have time to find a sex life so she can become normal and stop her designs on your husband.

Everyone wins then, right?

Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 11:40

@Momijin

Hey op. I have the answer. Why don't you move in with his parents and you and hubby can do all the caring and arranging of jobs?

Then that means your SIL won't need to call her brother 15x a day and will also have time to find a sex life so she can become normal and stop her designs on your husband.

Everyone wins then, right?

you sound a bit defensive. I am up for helping out but I'm not happy with obsessive behaviors of SIL and my hubby allowing it.
OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/12/2021 11:44

If you're so unhappy with the level of contact that you say it's ruining your marriage, then you have two choices.

Stay with your husband who is unwilling to change that level of contact, or break up with him because he is unwilling to do so.

If he wanted to change it, or felt able to, he would have done so by now. He hasn't.

So you need to decide whether you can live with it or not.

drpet49 · 30/12/2021 11:49

I don’t why the OP is getting a hard time here. SIL wasn’t forced to live with the parents. She chose the easy route in life. No friends, no social life is all the SILs doing.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/12/2021 11:50

dancingbear

The OP misogynistic opening gambit about her SIL’s (lack of) sex life is horrible.

That and the follow up

because i think sex is an important part of a human life and it forms the character in a specific way. so it may explain a bit more about her.

The SIL may not be a perfect human being but does not deserve the nasty judgemental posts regarding her sex life or lack thereof.

A person’s sex life is no-one else’s business.

A sex life does not define a person either.

Although I’m inclined to think the use of the word ‘hubby’ does.

She sounds like she is doing the majority of the care/daily grind.

The main gripe for your post is probably not so unreasonable IF she really is phoning all those times a day OP.

The way you have chosen to word it definitely is bloody unreasonable.

Give her a break.

@Momijin has the solution.

dailingping · 30/12/2021 11:56

@drpet49 because checking partner's phone, dictating when/how/what time they are talking to people, suggesting that her sister in law wants an incestuous relationship with her husband because she is single and being jealous of the close females in his family is all concerning behaviour and op sounds like the unstable force in the relationship. She needs help before she destroys her relationship or emotionally abuses her husband further.

GrandmasCat · 30/12/2021 11:58

But deep down it is true that if the SIL does have a view that certain chores are men’s chores and she has not a man in his life at this time, she may start expecting the same level of availability from her brother that she would from a living partner and that is not correct because in doing that she is consistently and regularly using whatever time his brother have to deal with the needs of his own family or affecting their plans.

Unless you live in a situation where your inlaws ring several times day, for years on end to ask for favours of complain about how you helped or not, you don’t have an idea of how bad this can be. It is literally like having another woman calling the shots on your relationship all the bloody time.
Our phone started ringing at 7 am and the last call was at 11pm, this went on every single blooming day for several years.

I am sure the OP would not be posting if they were calling for help once or twice a month.

GrandmasCat · 30/12/2021 11:59

Living in partner, not living partner, obvs.

dailingping · 30/12/2021 12:09

But she had to check partner's phone to see when sil is ringing, it's not like sil is blowing up the landline, op has to use underhand methods to see when she rings.

Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 12:26

@youvegottenminuteslynn

If you're so unhappy with the level of contact that you say it's ruining your marriage, then you have two choices.

Stay with your husband who is unwilling to change that level of contact, or break up with him because he is unwilling to do so.

If he wanted to change it, or felt able to, he would have done so by now. He hasn't.

So you need to decide whether you can live with it or not.

that is a bit black and white
OP posts: