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Original poster

Sister in law wants my husband

168 replies

Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 00:38

It scares me. My sister in law is 54, never was married nor had children. I doubt she ever had a man I'm her bed - sad..
She always was outspoken, loud and rude. But this visit she lost it completely. She shouted at her parents (usual stuff) but ended up swearing at out DS for no obvious reason too.

The biggest issue I have is my husband feeling obliged to" look after her as she has noone else". She takes advantage. She can call him upto 10 times a day with various problems: leaking tap, broken washing machine, MIL high blood pressure (she lives with parents) etc. She can call any time of the day even 4am which drives me crazy.

Hubby understands where I m.coming from but "loves his parents and sister" and "she looks after them for him" , so cant say no..

I feel she invades our family space and takes advantage of my hubby.

Advice pls

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 12:29

@GrandmasCat

But deep down it is true that if the SIL does have a view that certain chores are men’s chores and she has not a man in his life at this time, she may start expecting the same level of availability from her brother that she would from a living partner and that is not correct because in doing that she is consistently and regularly using whatever time his brother have to deal with the needs of his own family or affecting their plans.

Unless you live in a situation where your inlaws ring several times day, for years on end to ask for favours of complain about how you helped or not, you don’t have an idea of how bad this can be. It is literally like having another woman calling the shots on your relationship all the bloody time.
Our phone started ringing at 7 am and the last call was at 11pm, this went on every single blooming day for several years.

I am sure the OP would not be posting if they were calling for help once or twice a month.

that is exactly how I feel.

it feels like there is another woman in our marriage indeed!!

thank you soon much for your support, after reading the thread I started thinking I'm the one of the charts here 🤦🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️😆😆😆

OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 30/12/2021 12:31

@dailingping

But she had to check partner's phone to see when sil is ringing, it's not like sil is blowing up the landline, op has to use underhand methods to see when she rings.
You don’t need to check the phone, you just need to see your partner is almost never available, your family plans get changed or cancelled all the time and family life is neglected to enable him to deal with so many requests.
Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 12:34

@dailingping

But she had to check partner's phone to see when sil is ringing, it's not like sil is blowing up the landline, op has to use underhand methods to see when she rings.
just to clarify, I understand it is not the best way to deal with the situation but I didn't have other ideas at the time.

just trying to save my marriage, I didn't kill anyone so don't be that harsh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 12:36

"12:31GrandmasCat

dailingping

But she had to check partner's phone to see when sil is ringing, it's not like sil is blowing up the landline, op has to use underhand methods to see when she rings.

You don’t need to check the phone, you just need to see your partner is almost never available, your family plans get changed or cancelled all the time and family life is neglected to enable him to deal with so many requests."

Oh my God, you just described my life 😲😲😲

OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/12/2021 12:38

so don't be that harsh.

Says the person who thinks it is ok to discuss her SIL’s sex life when it is not at all relevant to the post.

That I describe as harsh.

dailingping · 30/12/2021 12:39

But if you have to check his phone to see when he speaks to his sister how is it encroaching on your family time? He is clearly speaking to her when you're not around because he knows you don't like it. So you have to find out when he speaks to her. This smacks of pure jealous than worrying about your family. You've adult children? So it's not like she's taking him away from childcare duties. This is all a bit weird and I feel a bit sorry for him.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/12/2021 12:41

that is a bit black and white

But you've told your husband for a long time that this makes you unhappy, yes?

And he hasn't changed it.

So it's not black and white to say your choices are to stay and put up with it or leave him.

Because staying and relying on him improving it hasn't worked has it? Because he is either unwilling or unable to do so.

Something you may not have considered is that the way you speak about your husband's sister, with tbh disdain and such a sneery tone (saying she's never had a man in her bed etc) isn't exactly helping your cause. That's his sister. She does a great deal to help their parents and he probably feels both guilty and grateful for her doing more than her fair share over the years. So you speaking about her the way you do probably makes him defensive of her and double down on feeling guilty, rather than making him want to pull back.

Your kneejerk reaction will be to say you haven't been sneery about her but you can't disguise the level of dislike you clearly feel for her. Your words about her are dripping with judgment and that is putting her in the position of victim to your husband.

Thats not even mentioning your wording which positions her as if she's a romantic threat / love rival which is all kinds of fucked up.

Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 12:42

@SheldonesqueTheBstard

so don't be that harsh.

Says the person who thinks it is ok to discuss her SIL’s sex life when it is not at all relevant to the post.

That I describe as harsh.

if you would have read my answers you would have seen why I wrote that line
OP posts:
SheldonesqueTheBstard · 30/12/2021 12:46

I read your posts OP.

It was still harsh and completely unnecessary.

But keep kidding yourself it was justified.

It was not.

Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 12:46

@youvegottenminuteslynn

that is a bit black and white

But you've told your husband for a long time that this makes you unhappy, yes?

And he hasn't changed it.

So it's not black and white to say your choices are to stay and put up with it or leave him.

Because staying and relying on him improving it hasn't worked has it? Because he is either unwilling or unable to do so.

Something you may not have considered is that the way you speak about your husband's sister, with tbh disdain and such a sneery tone (saying she's never had a man in her bed etc) isn't exactly helping your cause. That's his sister. She does a great deal to help their parents and he probably feels both guilty and grateful for her doing more than her fair share over the years. So you speaking about her the way you do probably makes him defensive of her and double down on feeling guilty, rather than making him want to pull back.

Your kneejerk reaction will be to say you haven't been sneery about her but you can't disguise the level of dislike you clearly feel for her. Your words about her are dripping with judgment and that is putting her in the position of victim to your husband.

Thats not even mentioning your wording which positions her as if she's a romantic threat / love rival which is all kinds of fucked up.

maybe some wording is not very correct, I take that but you can't deny the fact that she is a grown woman who understands what she is doing. that's the bottom line.

I can see you took her side and it's fine, maybe my story rings some bells for you.

at the end of the day , I got my own family and it comes first. if someone messes it up I am not going you stand aside and wait for it to go down.

OP posts:
GrandmasCat · 30/12/2021 12:49

Yes, it is natural to feel jealous when your holidays are cancelled or cut short because SIL wants the hedge cut at that precise morning, when your husband doesn’t show up to your child events as he is resetting the computer for his mum for the 57th time in the year, he leaves you with the house full of guests to go and fix a door that is making a noise when you move it or worse, when you find you are doing all the DIY in the house, cooking and parenting as your husband is always busy sorting stuff for them but with no time to help at all in his own house.

Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 12:52

@GrandmasCat

Yes, it is natural to feel jealous when your holidays are cancelled or cut short because SIL wants the hedge cut at that precise morning, when your husband doesn’t show up to your child events as he is resetting the computer for his mum for the 57th time in the year, he leaves you with the house full of guests to go and fix a door that is making a noise when you move it or worse, when you find you are doing all the DIY in the house, cooking and parenting as your husband is always busy sorting stuff for them but with no time to help at all in his own house.
I know 😒😭😭
OP posts:
dailingping · 30/12/2021 12:52

@GrandmasCat

Yes, it is natural to feel jealous when your holidays are cancelled or cut short because SIL wants the hedge cut at that precise morning, when your husband doesn’t show up to your child events as he is resetting the computer for his mum for the 57th time in the year, he leaves you with the house full of guests to go and fix a door that is making a noise when you move it or worse, when you find you are doing all the DIY in the house, cooking and parenting as your husband is always busy sorting stuff for them but with no time to help at all in his own house.
Way to make a thread all about you...
Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 12:54

12:52dailingping

you are complrtely missing the point.

hope you are a happy person

OP posts:
dailingping · 30/12/2021 12:56

@Tiaptia85

12:52dailingping

you are complrtely missing the point.

hope you are a happy person

Happier than you as I don't imagine incestuous scenarios regarding my dh and his sister...
youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/12/2021 12:59

I can see you took her side and it's fine, maybe my story rings some bells for you.

You're being really immature about this I'm afraid.

When you're an adult, life isn't about 'taking sides' it's about trying to step back from a situation and look at it objectively to come to a conclusion.

My conclusion based on what you've said, which is all we can go on, is that your husband is either unwilling or unable to change this behaviour so your choice is to either continue to stay with him being resentful and angry about it or leave him.

Not stay with him knowing it's not changing, bad mouthing his sister and checking his phone. It's all a bit teenage and it's not working, is it? Or it would have improved.

It's either a deal breaker or it's not...

And the odd 'maybe my story rings some bells for you' comment is I presume meant to imply that I am the way you view his sister? Wrong I'm afraid. I'm not especially close to my brother but think his partner is fab and speak to her more than him. And my partner's sister has become a good friend of mine. So no, no bells ringing other than my 'goodness this poster sounds like a misogynist in the way she describes another woman' bell. Which yes, has had a ring today.

YourenutsmiLord · 30/12/2021 12:59

Have you told us the DPs ages. 75 is v different from 95

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/12/2021 13:00

@GrandmasCat

Yes, it is natural to feel jealous when your holidays are cancelled or cut short because SIL wants the hedge cut at that precise morning, when your husband doesn’t show up to your child events as he is resetting the computer for his mum for the 57th time in the year, he leaves you with the house full of guests to go and fix a door that is making a noise when you move it or worse, when you find you are doing all the DIY in the house, cooking and parenting as your husband is always busy sorting stuff for them but with no time to help at all in his own house.
This means you're married to a dick, if he's not pulling his weight as a partner or parent. It's his decision to put everyone else before his wife and kids. It's a shit decision that makes him a rubbish partner and dad, but it's nobody else's fault.
BluePlatt · 30/12/2021 13:05

This thread has been taken over by complete whackos. Sometimes happens especially if they get in first.

Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 13:05

12:56dailingping

"Tiaptia85

12:52dailingping

you are complrtely missing the point.

hope you are a happy person

Happier than you as I don't imagine incestuous scenarios regarding my dh and his sister..."

but it's you who said it not me 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 13:06

@BluePlatt

This thread has been taken over by complete whackos. Sometimes happens especially if they get in first.
I know...

how can I close the thread?

OP posts:
dailingping · 30/12/2021 13:12

@BluePlatt

This thread has been taken over by complete whackos. Sometimes happens especially if they get in first.
Whackos like the op?
Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 13:13

@youvegottenminuteslynn

I can see you took her side and it's fine, maybe my story rings some bells for you.

You're being really immature about this I'm afraid.

When you're an adult, life isn't about 'taking sides' it's about trying to step back from a situation and look at it objectively to come to a conclusion.

My conclusion based on what you've said, which is all we can go on, is that your husband is either unwilling or unable to change this behaviour so your choice is to either continue to stay with him being resentful and angry about it or leave him.

Not stay with him knowing it's not changing, bad mouthing his sister and checking his phone. It's all a bit teenage and it's not working, is it? Or it would have improved.

It's either a deal breaker or it's not...

And the odd 'maybe my story rings some bells for you' comment is I presume meant to imply that I am the way you view his sister? Wrong I'm afraid. I'm not especially close to my brother but think his partner is fab and speak to her more than him. And my partner's sister has become a good friend of mine. So no, no bells ringing other than my 'goodness this poster sounds like a misogynist in the way she describes another woman' bell. Which yes, has had a ring today.

you can't divorce a husband of 25 years with whom you have assets and children just like that
OP posts:
Original poster
Tiaptia85 · 30/12/2021 13:16

"13:12dailingping

BluePlatt

This thread has been taken over by complete whackos. Sometimes happens especially if they get in first.

Whackos like the op?"

more like some dialing ping 😆😆

OP posts:
dailingping · 30/12/2021 13:19

@Tiaptia85

"13:12dailingping

BluePlatt

This thread has been taken over by complete whackos. Sometimes happens especially if they get in first.

Whackos like the op?"

more like some dialing ping 😆😆

That's up for debate